Mom speaking to child in another language during playdate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Our school community has lots of bilingual (and trilingual) families. It would never occur to me that speaking to eachother in their native tongue would be considered rude or a faux pas.

Well, now you know!

+1. In front of other people who don't speak the language actively excluding them? Yes, rude. Do people come from places with no manners? Wasn't there a thread about how rude it is to turn a back on someone recently and how in most cultures that is rude? This is the same thing.

Parents practicing OPOL are excluding the other parent all the time and somehow survive unscathed. It’s fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Our school community has lots of bilingual (and trilingual) families. It would never occur to me that speaking to eachother in their native tongue would be considered rude or a faux pas.

Well, now you know!

+1. In front of other people who don't speak the language actively excluding them? Yes, rude. Do people come from places with no manners? Wasn't there a thread about how rude it is to turn a back on someone recently and how in most cultures that is rude? This is the same thing.

Parents practicing OPOL are excluding the other parent all the time and somehow survive unscathed. It’s fine.

You sure about that? There's never been a single divorce in such families?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s necessarily rude (I can imagine a situation where it is, but it would have to be extreme). But it is exclusive and does inhibit socializing on the play date. Not just between the kids but also between the parents, as well as between the kids and the other child’s parent. It creates divisions so the environment is less communal and social. I can understand OP feeling a little put off by it.

I think it’s interesting that many responses on the thread point out the value of doing this in order to encourage bilingual speech in kids, without acknowledging that there is a social cost. Personally, I would weigh those against each other equally— I value my child learning another language, but I also value connections with other families and wanting my child to feel she belongs not just to our family but to a broader community.

I know a family who only spoke a non-English language to their kids until they entered preschool, which as totally traumatic. Being a non-English speaker in school is terribly stressful. One of their kids was practically mute in school for years afterward. Literally did not speak, although he could. We lost track of them in high school so not sure what happened after that.

Oh please this is complete BS- if they were truly mute that long, then it was due to some other reasons. I have worked with hundreds of kids coming into school not knowing English and literally none of them were really mute and all of them communicating perfectly fine after 6 months - to a year at the most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Our school community has lots of bilingual (and trilingual) families. It would never occur to me that speaking to eachother in their native tongue would be considered rude or a faux pas.

Well, now you know!

+1. In front of other people who don't speak the language actively excluding them? Yes, rude. Do people come from places with no manners? Wasn't there a thread about how rude it is to turn a back on someone recently and how in most cultures that is rude? This is the same thing.

Parents practicing OPOL are excluding the other parent all the time and somehow survive unscathed. It’s fine.

You sure about that? There's never been a single divorce in such families?

You don’t know why they divorce and it’s just as common in monolingual families.

I don’t understand 70% of conversation between my DH and my children, and it doesn’t bother me one bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do this all the time and did with my three kids. I don’t speak to my children extensively during play dates except to offer a quick direction or two.

Yes exactly...

It is extremely hard to raise a bilingual child in the US. If a parent makes exceptions and speaks to the child in the majority language when they are in public, then this has a very disruptive effect on the relationship and kids will most likely start responding to the parent not in the target language. Everybody has different goals for their children's bilingualism and that is perfectly fine, but if you want your child to have a high level of fluency, you can't just switch to the community language every time you leave the house or are in public. Also, it subconsciously teaches the kids that your language is not as important or is something to be embarrassed about. We do OPOL and my DH always speaks to the kids in his language and my fam is perfectly fine with it and it really is fine. DC playgrounds - DH doesnt give a crap what people think about what language hes speaking and most people want their kid to hear him speaking his language anyway. We are in a community with lots of bilingual families and the parents that switch to English in public do not have kids kids that respond to them in their language - that is the honest truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Our school community has lots of bilingual (and trilingual) families. It would never occur to me that speaking to eachother in their native tongue would be considered rude or a faux pas.

Well, now you know!

+1. In front of other people who don't speak the language actively excluding them? Yes, rude. Do people come from places with no manners? Wasn't there a thread about how rude it is to turn a back on someone recently and how in most cultures that is rude? This is the same thing.

Parents practicing OPOL are excluding the other parent all the time and somehow survive unscathed. It’s fine.

You sure about that? There's never been a single divorce in such families?

You don’t know why they divorce and it’s just as common in monolingual families.

I don’t understand 70% of conversation between my DH and my children, and it doesn’t bother me one bit.

Yes, if you feel a certain way that means everyone else feels the exact same way. Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do this all the time and did with my three kids. I don’t speak to my children extensively during play dates except to offer a quick direction or two.

Yes exactly...

It is extremely hard to raise a bilingual child in the US. If a parent makes exceptions and speaks to the child in the majority language when they are in public, then this has a very disruptive effect on the relationship and kids will most likely start responding to the parent not in the target language. Everybody has different goals for their children's bilingualism and that is perfectly fine, but if you want your child to have a high level of fluency, you can't just switch to the community language every time you leave the house or are in public. Also, it subconsciously teaches the kids that your language is not as important or is something to be embarrassed about. We do OPOL and my DH always speaks to the kids in his language and my fam is perfectly fine with it and it really is fine. DC playgrounds - DH doesnt give a crap what people think about what language hes speaking and most people want their kid to hear him speaking his language anyway. We are in a community with lots of bilingual families and the parents that switch to English in public do not have kids kids that respond to them in their language - that is the honest truth.

Some parents prioritize early bilingualism at all costs. Other parents prioritize raising children with basic manners.
Everyone's got choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom frequently speaks to me in her native language, even in front of my husband and kids who don't speak that language. I think it's rude. Even if she's being a jerk to me (I would like witnesses, LOL).

So tell her that. If she doesn't stop, then don't see her anymore.

I have told her and I'm not going to stop seeing her, thanks for the extremely unhelpful advice that I didn't ask for.

[Anonymous]

Yes it’s rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do this all the time and did with my three kids. I don’t speak to my children extensively during play dates except to offer a quick direction or two.

Yes exactly...

It is extremely hard to raise a bilingual child in the US. If a parent makes exceptions and speaks to the child in the majority language when they are in public, then this has a very disruptive effect on the relationship and kids will most likely start responding to the parent not in the target language. Everybody has different goals for their children's bilingualism and that is perfectly fine, but if you want your child to have a high level of fluency, you can't just switch to the community language every time you leave the house or are in public. Also, it subconsciously teaches the kids that your language is not as important or is something to be embarrassed about. We do OPOL and my DH always speaks to the kids in his language and my fam is perfectly fine with it and it really is fine. DC playgrounds - DH doesnt give a crap what people think about what language hes speaking and most people want their kid to hear him speaking his language anyway. We are in a community with lots of bilingual families and the parents that switch to English in public do not have kids kids that respond to them in their language - that is the honest truth.

Some parents prioritize early bilingualism at all costs. Other parents prioritize raising children with basic manners.


Everyone's got choices.

No you chose self consciousness and self hate over family
Relationships and being able to communicate in heritage/native languages. All the rationalization in the world doesn’t change that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where four people are out to dinner and they all speak one language at least passably well, is it polite for two of them to carry on a conversation in a language the other two cannot understand?

I mean sure let’s dive into every conceivable situation, but yeah…as long as the other two are previously engaged in conversation. If my girlfriend and I are discussing “The Real Housewives of Potomac” and the other husband asks my husband about his new job or his recent golf outing, that’s fine. It’s not like their discussing nuclear arms deals or affairs.

My sister and I were teenagers when we moved to the U.S. and speak in our native language when it’s just us. Our husbands are American and don’t speak our native language. If the four of us went out to dinner, it would be rude for me and my sister to have a conversation in our language at the table even if the husbands were having their own conversation because part of being out socially with other people is being able to dip in and out of conversations and that’s unavailable to the people who don’t speak the language. I think that’s different than a parent turning and saying something quick to a child, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Our school community has lots of bilingual (and trilingual) families. It would never occur to me that speaking to eachother in their native tongue would be considered rude or a faux pas.

Well, now you know!

+1. In front of other people who don't speak the language actively excluding them? Yes, rude. Do people come from places with no manners? Wasn't there a thread about how rude it is to turn a back on someone recently and how in most cultures that is rude? This is the same thing.

Parents practicing OPOL are excluding the other parent all the time and somehow survive unscathed. It’s fine.

You sure about that? There's never been a single divorce in such families?

You don’t know why they divorce and it’s just as common in monolingual families.

I don’t understand 70% of conversation between my DH and my children, and it doesn’t bother me one bit.

Yes, if you feel a certain way that means everyone else feels the exact same way. Got it.

I’m just telling you a very common thing in bi and trilingual families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom frequently speaks to me in her native language, even in front of my husband and kids who don't speak that language. I think it's rude. Even if she's being a jerk to me (I would like witnesses, LOL).

So tell her that. If she doesn't stop, then don't see her anymore.

I have told her and I'm not going to stop seeing her, thanks for the extremely unhelpful advice that I didn't ask for.

Thanks for the extremely meaningless story that none of us asked for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened during a one-on-one play date yesterday and I found it rude. Convince me otherwise.

We are bilingual too so I get it. I speak to my child in our other language exclusively when we are at home, with family or in public (somewhere we are not really interacting with others). But if it is a one-on-one situation I can’t imagine speaking to my child 80% of the time in a language that the other family doesn’t understand.

If this was not a drop off play date, the child is likely quite young. These are formative years that are often the only window we have to teach our kids our language before English comes and swallows everything. Cut her some slack. No one is interested in the conversation between mothers and young children anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Our school community has lots of bilingual (and trilingual) families. It would never occur to me that speaking to eachother in their native tongue would be considered rude or a faux pas.

Well, now you know!

+1. In front of other people who don't speak the language actively excluding them? Yes, rude. Do people come from places with no manners? Wasn't there a thread about how rude it is to turn a back on someone recently and how in most cultures that is rude? This is the same thing.

Parents practicing OPOL are excluding the other parent all the time and somehow survive unscathed. It’s fine.

You sure about that? There's never been a single divorce in such families?

You don’t know why they divorce and it’s just as common in monolingual families.

I don’t understand 70% of conversation between my DH and my children, and it doesn’t bother me one bit.

Yes, if you feel a certain way that means everyone else feels the exact same way. Got it.

I’m just telling you a very common thing in bi and trilingual families.

And I'm just telling you that speaks very poorly of very common bi and trilingual families.