Discrepancy between you want vs what you can get

[Anonymous]

You could be a few of my friends. We spent our 20s in DC. Of my crew of girls, we were all good looking/ logos enough looking in our 20s. The trend was people who were not in a serious relationship or married by 30 never married and we are now 40. The non married ones are all like you, advanced degrees, good jobs, etc. I can say confidentially they all make over 200k if you include their bonuses. Generally they demanded perfectionism in 20 something guys - not interested in ppl who didn’t have an advanced degree, if a lawyer was in govt not big law he didn’t last, etc. I’ve observed in their 30s they also became super inflexible with things as they all created great single girl groups, bought lovely condos, traveled whenever they wanted, went to work out classes, kept up appearances with spa trips etc. and couldn’t imagine compromising “down” with the people they found in their 30s.

[Anonymous]

OP, ignore the people who are acting like wanting a successful man for a partner is some kind of character flaw. Actual successful men don’t think that and not offended that a woman cares about their bottom line any more than pretty woman are offended that men gravitate towards them for that reason.

I do think you if you’re not meeting those kind of men you have to take select from what is available to you and find a way to make that work (if you don’t want to be single). Maybe it does mean that you will have to find a way to make a bit more money so that if you meet a guy who isn’t making as much as you’d like, your salary can offset the difference. Or maybe you have one kid instead of multiples, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple of girlfriends and I have been having some honest discussions about this. We are still single into our late 30s and have good DC type jobs. (Non profits/think tanks). We are well educated and relatively successful and we each had a certain ideas about our future husbands. We wanted a go-getter professionally successful types but those guys never seemed particularly interested in us. I can say objectively that although bright and hardworking, neither of us is particularly conventionally attractive. Those guys seem to date and marry the pretty unassuming skinny type of girls.

So here we are in a dilemma. Marry someone we do not think is "worthy" of us or stay single, as the guys we want never wanted us anyway.

WWYD?

Why are you so shallow and superficial? Those are unattractive qualities.

[Anonymous]

I honestly don't understand why Princeton mom was attacked so harshly because OP's situation is the exact result of waiting around for an ideal mate to fall from the sky.

The pool only shrinks as one gets older.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound immature and lacking confidence. Do you see a therapist? You should probably see one to work on your issues.
I can understand wanting a SFH but you want one in chevy chase, MD. What is wrong with Silver Spring, MD?
You don’t just want decent public schools you want private schools.
An OBX vacation is actually pretty pricey. Most people by the time they are in their late thirties understand that life is more complex, nuanced and unpredictable than you make it out to be. Material wealth has its limitations. Life is passing you by while you fixate on the ephemeral trappings of prestige

[Anonymous]

I guess if you want those things, you need to approach it like a full time job, although your window may be closed.

You think Kate Middleton and family didn’t treat getting Wills like a full time job? That she just “happened” to be in his sights?

You want it, you have to have laser focus. Weed out the chaff, be unapologetic about it, and quit your whining. You think these guys have the time to go to second rate venues to check out the think tank ladies?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I am a doctor and so are a lot of my female friends. I have many gorgeous, intelligent, well-educated, high-earning friends with serious careers who were all looking to marry in their mid to late thirties. Just so you know these women were not average looking. They were brilliant, knockouts and all-around amazing people. Here is who they married:
1. divorced veterinarian with divorced parents and 6 year old son, joint custody in inland FL (not Miami/Palm Beach), where she had to move. He stays home with their twins and works part time while she makes like $400-500K.
2. DO (not MD) trauma surgeon and Trump / Republican voter with a VERY sedate personality, who helps not at all with their 3 kids, very irritating mother in law who lives minutes away
3. Plastic surgeon who serially cheated during the first 5-7 years of marriage while they were having multiple miscarriages trying for a second baby that they did not achieve; they moved to a medium town in a western state for his job thereby severely limiting her career
4. freelance screenwriter who is intermittently employed
5. real estate developer who cheated on her (she got paged in the OR WHILE OPERATING by the guy's AP's DH); she then hastily remarried someone else and they have several kids now.
6. Very good looking nice guy who has been long term unemployed and is a SAHD.

All of these women made it work and are still married with children.

You have to be realistic.

Realistic is an understatement.

You can disparage it all you want. They are UMC, married and have familles and gorgeous houses and are happy with their lives.

The only thing they have in common, is that although they are all affluent and successful now, none of them grew up very UMC. They all worked hard in public schools then private colleges (Princeton, Georgetown, Cornell, Swarthmore, etc) and were bred to be workhorses not show ponies. Guess who became successful as adults.

Your view of life in tremendously narrow and naive and bitter, and really - no wonder you will never be happy.

You seem not to like hearing the truth.

Your truth? No, I don't subscribe to it. I think many adults, and probably you, think there are only a handful of ways to be "successful" - and they all involve more money than most people you even know. So, settle down and stay in your lane.

I don't really know what you're hung bout here but it isn't the topic of this thread. The point is OP is aiming for a certain lifestyle without a) being able to attain similar benchmarks herself and b) not understanding the compromises people make when they marry, and how even those compromises can leave you better off than holding out for a ready-made impossible ideal. She is still in "Someday my prince will come" mode. It's much more common for women who were born well-off to expect others to fulfill that for them. Meanwhile thes women I described, all of whom had A LOT more to offer than OP, made it work with the tools at hand because they were industrious and unentitled.

It sounds like we may agree that OP is shallow and not marriage worthy, but your reaching for assumptions about me is very, very, very, very far off.

Uh, I made no assumptions about you. This post like this thread were not about you. I don't think about you. What a weird response.

You tend to over react. You said I was off topic. I was absolutely not.

Whatever you say. Please leave me alone.

Get help.

And still you desperately need the last word. Are you 12?

(not the PP)

Hey wifey, you know the other poster had the last word, right?

[Anonymous]

Why are people so harsh with OP? I have the exact lifestyle she says she wants plus I sahm. It’s really nice. I get why she wants it. It’s comfort, security, stability, entertainment. Idk why she shouldn’t have it either. The main problem is that real estate is so expensive. We bought in 05 and I thought it was expensive back then! Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Are you looking for romantic partners or business partners?

OP here. After putting myself through college and graduate school and acquiring a fulfilling and interesting policy job, I really do not want to marry some average joe making 100k a year so we can squeeze into a 500k townhouse in Vienna and take yearly vacations to OBX.

I want a SHF in Chevy Chase, private school for my kids and international vacations.

Why NOT me? Only because I am not blonde and skinny?

Its depressing.

You can make yourself blonde and skinny. Shrug. Seriously though. You can.

Color your hair. Lose weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Are you looking for romantic partners or business partners?

OP here. After putting myself through college and graduate school and acquiring a fulfilling and interesting policy job, I really do not want to marry some average joe making 100k a year so we can squeeze into a 500k townhouse in Vienna and take yearly vacations to OBX.

I want a SHF in Chevy Chase, private school for my kids and international vacations.

Why NOT me? Only because I am not blonde and skinny?

Its depressing.

Male here. With a SHF in Chevy Chase. Private school for my kids. You sound dull and materialistic. What do you bring to the table?

x10000000

Woman here. Exactly my thought. NP. I see so many of these shallow women where I live, I would feel bad for them, if they weren't so ......pathetic.

OP, why would someone want to marry you just because you NEED to have an S class before a certain birthday - are those life goals? Listen to yourself. GEESUS, people, get a grip. I knew a group that would go to Dewey every summer, rent a group house, and all they would talk about is marrying a man like that. Marriage is a business transaction to them, like the oldest profession in the world. I read this all the time on these boards, and see it IRL, it makes women look bad.

Oh please. Every single one of these smug married women posting above about how their lives are just like this, wanted exactly these things and found it. OP and her friends are just saying the quiet part out loud. If you don't believe me try taking one of these snotty affluent married women and have them change places with OP (sounds like a great premise for a movie). You will immediately see them completely lose their sh*t.

Wait what? Take a 40 year old woman who has been married for twenty years and put her DH through school, switch places with OP who acts like she is looking at a menu for lunch, for a life partner? How does that even make sense? How does OP pretend to know whose money it is, or what it took for the couple to get where they are?

No matter who OP is, or who OP marries some day (or not - because her attitude sucks), OP will be up against something - the abusive IL's, the DH's drinking/rage/whatever habits - there is always something, and OP may think it sounds "easy" - but if OP can't handle this part - how on earth is she going to handle the rest?

NO I mean all these women saying how shallow and materialistic OP is would die if you took away the lives that OP says he wants for herself. They are not any better than she is, though they think they are.

But OP has zero idea what it takes to get the life that she perceives a certain way, and aspires to. OP thinks she is a prize, like some of the posters here. LMAO.

This is crazy, it doesn’t “take” anything. It’s just luck (meaning, met the right guy). I have this exact lifestyle and I didn’t have to work for it. My spouse just makes a lot of money. And what’s better: he’s a genuinely kind, generous, patient man. With an absolutely lovely family. Our children are happy and healthy. I lucked out big time with him. I’m no prize or no deserving of happiness than the op.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think men do not really look for anything more than good looks, especially at the get-go when it comes to meeting people.

Uh women specifically.
(Sorry.)

As long as a woman is attractive, fit, a great cook/housekeeper as well as an excellent Mother, w/a great sense of humor and has her own interests in life.
Those attributes mean so much more to many guys vs. how much money they generate.

A successful lawyer, physician or entrepreneur, etc. would marry a Nanny/Teacher/Nurse as long as she was physically attractive to him.
Bonus points if she is great in bed & enjoys frequent sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could be a few of my friends. We spent our 20s in DC. Of my crew of girls, we were all good looking/ logos enough looking in our 20s. The trend was people who were not in a serious relationship or married by 30 never married and we are now 40. The non married ones are all like you, advanced degrees, good jobs, etc. I can say confidentially they all make over 200k if you include their bonuses. Generally they demanded perfectionism in 20 something guys - not interested in ppl who didn’t have an advanced degree, if a lawyer was in govt not big law he didn’t last, etc. I’ve observed in their 30s they also became super inflexible with things as they all created great single girl groups, bought lovely condos, traveled whenever they wanted, went to work out classes, kept up appearances with spa trips etc. and couldn’t imagine compromising “down” with the people they found in their 30s.

This is my exact experience too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think men do not really look for anything more than good looks, especially at the get-go when it comes to meeting people.

Uh women specifically.
(Sorry.)

As long as a woman is attractive, fit, a great cook/housekeeper as well as an excellent Mother, w/a great sense of humor and has her own interests in life.
Those attributes mean so much more to many guys vs. how much money they generate.

A successful lawyer, physician or entrepreneur, etc. would marry a Nanny/Teacher/Nurse as long as she was physically attractive to him.
Bonus points if she is great in bed & enjoys frequent sex.

This is outdated. People assortive date now. Especially lawyers and doctors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a doctor and so are a lot of my female friends. I have many gorgeous, intelligent, well-educated, high-earning friends with serious careers who were all looking to marry in their mid to late thirties. Just so you know these women were not average looking. They were brilliant, knockouts and all-around amazing people. Here is who they married:
1. divorced veterinarian with divorced parents and 6 year old son, joint custody in inland FL (not Miami/Palm Beach), where she had to move. He stays home with their twins and works part time while she makes like $400-500K.
2. DO (not MD) trauma surgeon and Trump / Republican voter with a VERY sedate personality, who helps not at all with their 3 kids, very irritating mother in law who lives minutes away
3. Plastic surgeon who serially cheated during the first 5-7 years of marriage while they were having multiple miscarriages trying for a second baby that they did not achieve; they moved to a medium town in a western state for his job thereby severely limiting her career
4. freelance screenwriter who is intermittently employed
5. real estate developer who cheated on her (she got paged in the OR WHILE OPERATING by the guy's AP's DH); she then hastily remarried someone else and they have several kids now.
6. Very good looking nice guy who has been long term unemployed and is a SAHD.

All of these women made it work and are still married with children.

You have to be realistic.

Yep. I could make a similar list. FWIW I was in a similar boat and have the life you want w a meh partner only bc my parents fund it. By the late 30s those dudes are not coming. If you don’t want kids it doesn’t matter. If you want a kid you’d better decide now if you want a partner for real and drop the crap about Chevy chase etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think men do not really look for anything more than good looks, especially at the get-go when it comes to meeting people.

Uh women specifically.
(Sorry.)

As long as a woman is attractive, fit, a great cook/housekeeper as well as an excellent Mother, w/a great sense of humor and has her own interests in life.
Those attributes mean so much more to many guys vs. how much money they generate.

A successful lawyer, physician or entrepreneur, etc. would marry a Nanny/Teacher/Nurse as long as she was physically attractive to him.
Bonus points if she is great in bed & enjoys frequent sex.

This is outdated. People assortive date now. Especially lawyers and doctors.

It’s amazing how so many people continue to ignore this.