Regret asking my mom to “help”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband was in an awful accident a few weeks back and is finally back home recovering. He needs a lot of care, kids are off school and I’m back to work.. I’ve hired help and was managing ok, but my mom kept offering to come help and when my husband got out of the hospital I agreed, thinking it would be good to have help with the kids in particular. She got tickets for a month and flew in from overseas.

The problem is she does… nothing. She’s not from here and won’t leave the house without me so can’t pick up kids, take them out, go to the grocery.. I suggested she go with the nanny a few times so she learns how things work but she sleeps in till 9 and shows no initiative. If I ask her something very specific she may do it, but none of the cooking or child care I imagined is happening. At this point I’m 1000x more stressed by her being here than I would have been because I’m honestly so annoyed.

Help? She is very sensitive and will not take it well if I say something. 3 more weeks to go and I may just suck it up and pretend she’s not here… I’m beating myself up because in retrospect I should have seen this coming, I was just so desperate for “help” and forgot this is how she’s like.

So, she cooks, cleans and gardens at home, yet you somehow suspected it might be like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband was in an awful accident a few weeks back and is finally back home recovering. He needs a lot of care, kids are off school and I’m back to work.. I’ve hired help and was managing ok, but my mom kept offering to come help and when my husband got out of the hospital I agreed, thinking it would be good to have help with the kids in particular. She got tickets for a month and flew in from overseas.

The problem is she does… nothing. She’s not from here and won’t leave the house without me so can’t pick up kids, take them out, go to the grocery.. I suggested she go with the nanny a few times so she learns how things work but she sleeps in till 9 and shows no initiative. If I ask her something very specific she may do it, but none of the cooking or child care I imagined is happening. At this point I’m 1000x more stressed by her being here than I would have been because I’m honestly so annoyed.

Help? She is very sensitive and will not take it well if I say something. 3 more weeks to go and I may just suck it up and pretend she’s not here… I’m beating myself up because in retrospect I should have seen this coming, I was just so desperate for “help” and forgot this is how she’s like.

So, she cooks, cleans and gardens at home, yet you somehow suspected it might be like this?

Yes, she’s visited before and not been helpful. And she’s narcissistic in the sense that she loves attention and to be able to tell her friends how she dropped everything to come “help”. I didn’t think it would be this bad though, given it’s not a regular visit and we’re in a crazy situation here that she insisted to come help with. So I thought somehow she’d put herself aside and actually help, I guess. I should have know better but here we are…

Today she
- got out of bed at 10
- sat on her phone until lunch
- after lunch put her plates and the rest of the food on the kitchen counter and walked back to her phone
- suggested my oldest take the dog out after dinner (which he does but this is what she wouldn’t do herself because it’s too dark out..)
- now watching TV all night

When I asked she did help me carry a chair into my husbands room and that’s it for today.

OP - now getting a second glass of wine 🍷

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband was in an awful accident a few weeks back and is finally back home recovering. He needs a lot of care, kids are off school and I’m back to work.. I’ve hired help and was managing ok, but my mom kept offering to come help and when my husband got out of the hospital I agreed, thinking it would be good to have help with the kids in particular. She got tickets for a month and flew in from overseas.

The problem is she does… nothing. She’s not from here and won’t leave the house without me so can’t pick up kids, take them out, go to the grocery.. I suggested she go with the nanny a few times so she learns how things work but she sleeps in till 9 and shows no initiative. If I ask her something very specific she may do it, but none of the cooking or child care I imagined is happening. At this point I’m 1000x more stressed by her being here than I would have been because I’m honestly so annoyed.

Help? She is very sensitive and will not take it well if I say something. 3 more weeks to go and I may just suck it up and pretend she’s not here… I’m beating myself up because in retrospect I should have seen this coming, I was just so desperate for “help” and forgot this is how she’s like.

So, she cooks, cleans and gardens at home, yet you somehow suspected it might be like this?

Yes, she’s visited before and not been helpful. And she’s narcissistic in the sense that she loves attention and to be able to tell her friends how she dropped everything to come “help”. I didn’t think it would be this bad though, given it’s not a regular visit and we’re in a crazy situation here that she insisted to come help with. So I thought somehow she’d put herself aside and actually help, I guess. I should have know better but here we are…

Today she
- got out of bed at 10
- sat on her phone until lunch
- after lunch put her plates and the rest of the food on the kitchen counter and walked back to her phone
- suggested my oldest take the dog out after dinner (which he does but this is what she wouldn’t do herself because it’s too dark out..)
- now watching TV all night

When I asked she did help me carry a chair into my husbands room and that’s it for today.

OP - now getting a second glass of wine 🍷

Just send her home. Now. This is ridiculous. The leaving of the plates on the counter would make me go nuclear. Who is she expecting will take care of her dishes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband was in an awful accident a few weeks back and is finally back home recovering. He needs a lot of care, kids are off school and I’m back to work.. I’ve hired help and was managing ok, but my mom kept offering to come help and when my husband got out of the hospital I agreed, thinking it would be good to have help with the kids in particular. She got tickets for a month and flew in from overseas.

The problem is she does… nothing. She’s not from here and won’t leave the house without me so can’t pick up kids, take them out, go to the grocery.. I suggested she go with the nanny a few times so she learns how things work but she sleeps in till 9 and shows no initiative. If I ask her something very specific she may do it, but none of the cooking or child care I imagined is happening. At this point I’m 1000x more stressed by her being here than I would have been because I’m honestly so annoyed.

Help? She is very sensitive and will not take it well if I say something. 3 more weeks to go and I may just suck it up and pretend she’s not here… I’m beating myself up because in retrospect I should have seen this coming, I was just so desperate for “help” and forgot this is how she’s like.

So, she cooks, cleans and gardens at home, yet you somehow suspected it might be like this?

Yes, she’s visited before and not been helpful. And she’s narcissistic in the sense that she loves attention and to be able to tell her friends how she dropped everything to come “help”. I didn’t think it would be this bad though, given it’s not a regular visit and we’re in a crazy situation here that she insisted to come help with. So I thought somehow she’d put herself aside and actually help, I guess. I should have know better but here we are…

Today she
- got out of bed at 10
- sat on her phone until lunch
- after lunch put her plates and the rest of the food on the kitchen counter and walked back to her phone
- suggested my oldest take the dog out after dinner (which he does but this is what she wouldn’t do herself because it’s too dark out..)
- now watching TV all night

When I asked she did help me carry a chair into my husbands room and that’s it for today.

OP - now getting a second glass of wine 🍷

Just send her home. Now. This is ridiculous. The leaving of the plates on the counter would make me go nuclear. Who is she expecting will take care of her dishes?

+1. This a level of patheticness. I’d explode my relationship over that. And I did - I kicked my MIL out of my house for this type of reason (after she texted me from the third floor to bring her water from downstairs, even though I ws the one who was not supposed to be climbing stairs after a c section. Lots of stuff before but this was the straw that broke the camels back)

Don’t blow up. Be direct and calm. Tell her that you would love for her to visit another time but that this is a crisis and you can’t take care of her right now and she isn’t helping. She needs to go tomorrow. Then go. She will tantrum about it but that is it.

[Anonymous]

Tell her that unfortunately she can't stay the full month because you are hiring live-in help to get through this tough period. This helper will reside in her room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you have too many expectations of how your parents can help you n your house.

My mom and dad came from another country and helped with my newborns for several months. I had hired help for cleaning and also outsourced other stuff, so my parents were invaluable with supervising. If my mom asked if she could help, I handed her and dad the task of holding the baby and sitting on the couch and watching TV. My toddler was more than happy to snuggle with them and watch cartoons. Of course, having additional people meant that we were buying more groceries, cooking more, doing more laundry etc. But by and large, their presence was a moral support to DH and I, and our kids were more than happy snuggling with them and reading books or watching TV. They cannot be expected to take over the running of your household.

I would often request if my mom could fold laundry while watching TV, and she was happy to do that. Another thing she was very good at - chopping vegetables at the dining table. I would make their breakfast and coffee, and then take a big basket of washed veggies and also put the cutting board, knife etc on the dining table and say that if she wanted to help, could she cut the veggies because I plan to cook XYZ for dinner. As they became more comfortable in our home, they were pitching in a lot more. My dad would love to walk down to the nearest grocery store every day, he loved to iron all the clothes while watching war documentaries on history channel, mom loved to massage and bathe the babies. My kids are super close to my parents because what they got from them was a lot of patience and willingness to spend time with them. My parents would sit for hours in toy room with the kids while my children played. They watched their serials while my kids napped snuggled with them. I knew my kids were loved and protected. I knew that my mom and dad would keep an eye on the people who came to clean the house, I knew they would iron every last scrap of cloth in the house (my kitchen towels were also ironed!!).

Basically, the successful grandparents visits are ones where the grandparents are spending time with the kids at home, and keeping an eye on things. Our parents are not great at functioning like hired service providers. They need a lot of instructions and usually balk at doing things that they fear they will mess up. And each time they visited, I had to ease them into using all the appliances, turning on the TV, explaining them the various faucets etc of the bathrooms etc. What we take for granted is overwhelming for them.

This is a completely different situation and irrelevant here..

Oh, ok. I will try and address the concerns of everyone who hate their parents and ILs. Y'all have horrible parents and ILs. They are basically leeches who live to make your life miserable. Throw them out of your house and never ever speak to them again.

Happy?

Wow. I hope you’re 16.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel every inch of this. If there are 2 or less weeks left in her visit, I agree with the suggestion to ignore her and keep the peace. If you give 1 concrete task a day it might make you feel better - sometimes with my MIL I give her a fake/easy task to start, like set the table, because it helps build her confidence to just do things without my asking. Some things I know no grandparent here will help with - shopping, cleaning, cooking a meal. But I could ask them to make the salad or supervise the toddler’s meal.

Just to confirm, though, these visits are under normal circumstances. Given your situation, it is ridiculous that you now basically have another being to take care of. I’m sorry

[Anonymous]

This was my mom when my second kid was born. She was 61 at the time. She insisted on coming to "help"
-she sat on the couch most of the day and expected me to make her cups of tea
- She constantly told me old wives advice that contradicted what my Dr said
- She shook the baby multiple times to "make sure she was breathing" then got upset when I told her to stop
- She slept in until 10 but complained about how tired she was
- She didn't put the parking brake on my stick shift car and it rolled out of the garage- luckily the door was open and my toddler wasn't around
- She made dinner once and huffed and puffed like a toddler while doing that- and started yelling and cursing at the stove b.c the water wasn't boiling. Of course she had the setting on Medium

Yes- my therapist has said she has Narc tendencies

[Anonymous]

OP this thread is long and may have been said already. You need to give your mother a list of things she needs to do to help you, daily or weekly. It sounds like she has zero initiative and so she is the kind of person who is waiting for instructions. Give her instructions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was my mom when my second kid was born. She was 61 at the time. She insisted on coming to "help"
-she sat on the couch most of the day and expected me to make her cups of tea
- She constantly told me old wives advice that contradicted what my Dr said
- She shook the baby multiple times to "make sure she was breathing" then got upset when I told her to stop
- She slept in until 10 but complained about how tired she was
- She didn't put the parking brake on my stick shift car and it rolled out of the garage- luckily the door was open and my toddler wasn't around
- She made dinner once and huffed and puffed like a toddler while doing that- and started yelling and cursing at the stove b.c the water wasn't boiling. Of course she had the setting on Medium

Yes- my therapist has said she has Narc tendencies

I don’t doubt that many mothers have narcissistic tendencies, but i think that those born in the 50s and before may just be burnt out. They had few career options and became young housewives and mothers without much of the financial autonomy, travel, hobbies or self- care we enjoy. A lot of older women have arthritis and side effects from medication that they are dealing with- best to err on giving a little grace and lowering your expectations.

[Anonymous]

Or they just don’t actually enjoy helping. My mother offers to help in certain situations, because her friends did it for their kids or because she knows it’s socially expected. But she doesn’t like helping or “mothering” in that way, so she is dead weight when she appears.

It’s so frustrating, though, to need help and have someone offer it and come but not actually give it. For me—and man6 of us, I suspect—it’s jus5 playing out my childhood again, when I took care of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or they just don’t actually enjoy helping. My mother offers to help in certain situations, because her friends did it for their kids or because she knows it’s socially expected. But she doesn’t like helping or “mothering” in that way, so she is dead weight when she appears.

It’s so frustrating, though, to need help and have someone offer it and come but not actually give it. For me—and man6 of us, I suspect—it’s jus5 playing out my childhood again, when I took care of her.

I am sure some women should have never become mothers- especially from previous generations with three children by 23. It is no wonder they act childish and petulant and require parenting by their children. A kind of learned helplessness that is sort of a structural defiance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was my mom when my second kid was born. She was 61 at the time. She insisted on coming to "help"
-she sat on the couch most of the day and expected me to make her cups of tea
- She constantly told me old wives advice that contradicted what my Dr said
- She shook the baby multiple times to "make sure she was breathing" then got upset when I told her to stop
- She slept in until 10 but complained about how tired she was
- She didn't put the parking brake on my stick shift car and it rolled out of the garage- luckily the door was open and my toddler wasn't around
- She made dinner once and huffed and puffed like a toddler while doing that- and started yelling and cursing at the stove b.c the water wasn't boiling. Of course she had the setting on Medium

Yes- my therapist has said she has Narc tendencies

I don’t doubt that many mothers have narcissistic tendencies, but i think that those born in the 50s and before may just be burnt out. They had few career options and became young housewives and mothers without much of the financial autonomy, travel, hobbies or self- care we enjoy. A lot of older women have arthritis and side effects from medication that they are dealing with- best to err on giving a little grace and lowering your expectations.

PP here- my mom was college educated at a top notch university and had lots of career options. She was never a housewife. She's just a Narc.

[Anonymous]

Time for her to go home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband was in an awful accident a few weeks back and is finally back home recovering. He needs a lot of care, kids are off school and I’m back to work.. I’ve hired help and was managing ok, but my mom kept offering to come help and when my husband got out of the hospital I agreed, thinking it would be good to have help with the kids in particular. She got tickets for a month and flew in from overseas.

The problem is she does… nothing. She’s not from here and won’t leave the house without me so can’t pick up kids, take them out, go to the grocery.. I suggested she go with the nanny a few times so she learns how things work but she sleeps in till 9 and shows no initiative. If I ask her something very specific she may do it, but none of the cooking or child care I imagined is happening. At this point I’m 1000x more stressed by her being here than I would have been because I’m honestly so annoyed.

Help? She is very sensitive and will not take it well if I say something. 3 more weeks to go and I may just suck it up and pretend she’s not here… I’m beating myself up because in retrospect I should have seen this coming, I was just so desperate for “help” and forgot this is how she’s like.

You should have hired a male LPN or CNA. How old is your mother? You should have known this was too much for her. I cannot imagine asking an older woman to take care of someone in your husband's condition.