Regret asking my mom to “help”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reality is this was totally predictable. You just lost sight of the issues in a moment of crisis.

Honestly, I would not do a darn thing to try to “fix” this. It won’t work and will only make you more angry. Pretend she isn’t there, hire more help and eagerly anticipate her being gone in 3 weeks.

Yup, you’re 100% right. It was totally predictable and I should have known better, but when I was overwhelmed and not thinking straight I made the mistake. I also thought it would be nice for the kids to have grandma around especially after the trauma of their dad being in ICU and hospital for weeks - which it is, except she won’t take them anywhere..

She just came and asked me to make her coffee.. I told her she knows how the coffee maker works and am now counting to 100

You sound awful!

You sound ridiculous!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reality is this was totally predictable. You just lost sight of the issues in a moment of crisis.

Honestly, I would not do a darn thing to try to “fix” this. It won’t work and will only make you more angry. Pretend she isn’t there, hire more help and eagerly anticipate her being gone in 3 weeks.

Yup, you’re 100% right. It was totally predictable and I should have known better, but when I was overwhelmed and not thinking straight I made the mistake. I also thought it would be nice for the kids to have grandma around especially after the trauma of their dad being in ICU and hospital for weeks - which it is, except she won’t take them anywhere..

She just came and asked me to make her coffee.. I told her she knows how the coffee maker works and am now counting to 100

You sound awful!

She sounds burdened. Who comes to help and then expects to be waited on?

She's not so burdened that she can't be on DCUM reporting in real time that her mother wants coffee. Cut me a break -- she ain't that burdened.

Stfu troll

[Anonymous]

“Thanks for coming to help. I hope you’re feeling more accustomed to our routine now. Let’s make a plan for these next weeks so we can all pitch in and I can give more time to getting Joe back on his feet. What are you most comfortable doing? If you don’t want to drive, I can get Nanny to do that and you can pick up her house tasks. Laundry? Dinner? We can make menus to help”

[Anonymous]

Okay, satisfy our curiosities. What was she like growing up? Does she have help with cleaning and cooking at home? I sort of get being a certain age and being overwhelmed with a household. I am 60 and wouldn’t like to feel jet-lagged and responsible for a bunch of chores with unfamiliar working pieces. Maybe there are cognitive changes on top of not being a super together person?

[Anonymous]

Gosh, OP, i hope your DH recovers completely and without complications.

As far as your mom goes, I'd say that being specific is key. If it is lunch, then you say "he'd like a chicken sandwich on toast with mayo lettuce and tomato" or "a medium bowl of the leftover fried rice with a water". Put instructions on the washing machine.

Ask each of your boys to have grandma play a game with them (again, specific -- uno, candyland, whatever) and also help them with something (read a story, find something, organize something). Just involve her in every day life so she can relate to them better to make the month more fun. Heck, they can invite her outside to catch fireflies!

Can the nanny drop boys and grandma at the pool? Grandma can supervise while nanny comes back to do other things or hit the grocery.

(All of this is making me super glad I did not give in to my in laws' pleas to come "help" when DH had emergency surgery right as COVID started.)

Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Okay, satisfy our curiosities. What was she like growing up? Does she have help with cleaning and cooking at home? I sort of get being a certain age and being overwhelmed with a household. I am 60 and wouldn’t like to feel jet-lagged and responsible for a bunch of chores with unfamiliar working pieces. Maybe there are cognitive changes on top of not being a super together person?

Then I hope you wouldn't come for a month during a crisis period claiming you were going to "help."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think then ask her for a few specific things a day.

Exactly. Could she do some loads of laundry? Would she change the sheets on the kids beds? Would she vacuum the living room and then dust? Could she make some lasagna to put in the freezer? Could she start dinner (and then tell her exactly what you want and how to do it)? All of those are things that she can do in the safety of your home.

I get it, OP. I would be frustrated and frazzled, too. I think the PP is on to something, though. Hopefully if you give your mom some suggestions within her comfort area she'll be more helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think then ask her for a few specific things a day.

Exactly. Could she do some loads of laundry? Would she change the sheets on the kids beds? Would she vacuum the living room and then dust? Could she make some lasagna to put in the freezer? Could she start dinner (and then tell her exactly what you want and how to do it)? All of those are things that she can do in the safety of your home.

I get it, OP. I would be frustrated and frazzled, too. I think the PP is on to something, though. Hopefully if you give your mom some suggestions within her comfort area she'll be more helpful.

All of this, plus put it in a notebook like most of us would do for a new person, especially for a foreigner. OP seems to expect her mother to just figure everything out.
Please write out the few things you know your mother can best accomplish. Careful about criticizing how she’s doing everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Okay, satisfy our curiosities. What was she like growing up? Does she have help with cleaning and cooking at home? I sort of get being a certain age and being overwhelmed with a household. I am 60 and wouldn’t like to feel jet-lagged and responsible for a bunch of chores with unfamiliar working pieces. Maybe there are cognitive changes on top of not being a super together person?

Then stay home and send a gift card for prepared meals or massages or a fruit basket or a greeting card or cash. Don't make someone's life even more difficult in a crisis to satisfy your own need for validation or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask your mom to cook dinner. I was in a very similar situation except it lasted 10 months and in the end, I blew up at her and now we are not on speaking terms. I regret that but still get so pissed off when I remember how much harder that time was because family came to "help"

Oh gosh, 10 months, I’m so sorry! You have the patience of an angel if it took you that long to blow up. Fortunately she’s only here one month but it still feels looong! I asked her yesterday to make lunch for my husband as I had to go outside for a work meeting and she said she didn’t know what to make.. when I asked her to make dinner, she said she could do the fish but could someone else do the side dishes?! I just asked if she could join the nanny for pickup tomorrow so she got to know her way around and she said she’ll see, it may be too hot for her… I’ll keep trying but wow I’m amazed at the passiveness.

To those saying to ask her what she had in mind when she came to help, it makes a lot of sense but knowing her she’d be very offended and go into martyr mode and I don’t think I can handle that on top of everything else!

Someone else like who??? The overwhelmed mom? The sick dad? The kids???? Seriously... gtfoohwtbs

[Anonymous]

Wow. Tough situation.
Would she bake cookies or cupcakes with the kids?
Can she sit and play board games with them? Or watch them at the playground?
That might free up your nanny to do some errands for you?
Does she speak fluent English? You may need to push her to go out a few times before she feels comfortable.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks so much everyone, just reading (most of ) the responses make me feel better. Venting can indeed be therapeutic!

To the person who asked what she was like growing up - she did pretty much everything in the house, no help and she still doesn’t have help.
At home she does everything, she’s a great cook, gardens etc but when she comes to visit us it’s like all of it is out the window and she can’t even operate a coffee machine (the same one she has at home!). I get that things are unfamiliar to her etc but given the situation we’re in I had assumed that when she offered to help it was sincere and would also mean her being willing to step outside her comfort zone a bit? What frustrates me is that she doesn’t even seem to want to try. In an effort to be more specific I asked her if she could take out the dog while I had a late night phone call, but it was “too dark”. What?!

A funny thing is that when we spoke before she arrived, I mentioned to her how overwhelmed (in a positive way) I was by all the friends helping out when the accident happened. I especially appreciated those that just did things - picked up kids from school, organized play dates, just made it happen etc. I didn’t have any ulterior motive telling her this and her response was - yes that’s how to be helpful, do very specific things. I’ll come help you. So I naively thought this would all work out well.

I just spoke to my husband about this. We have two options - be more specific with lists, figure out tasks she can do etc or just work around it as if she isn’t here and get more help from outside. My husband thinks we should just expect and ask nothing from her and work around it. I tend to agree, mostly because I fear that even with lists and specificity she won’t step up and she won’t help, and that will aggravate me more than not even asking her. This is a huge lesson learned for me! I’m glad I didn’t ask her to stay all summer..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reality is this was totally predictable. You just lost sight of the issues in a moment of crisis.

Honestly, I would not do a darn thing to try to “fix” this. It won’t work and will only make you more angry. Pretend she isn’t there, hire more help and eagerly anticipate her being gone in 3 weeks.

Yup, you’re 100% right. It was totally predictable and I should have known better, but when I was overwhelmed and not thinking straight I made the mistake. I also thought it would be nice for the kids to have grandma around especially after the trauma of their dad being in ICU and hospital for weeks - which it is, except she won’t take them anywhere..

She just came and asked me to make her coffee.. I told her she knows how the coffee maker works and am now counting to 100

You sound awful!

You sound ridiculous!

Being angry and passive aggressive towards someone for refusing to do what you expect them to do while also refusing to clue them in on what you'd like them to do because you have decided it will make them upset is the definition of awful.

I understand why her mother is reluctant to do anything because because op will likely be upset.


And someone who wants to pawn their own mother off on the nanny just isn't kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reality is this was totally predictable. You just lost sight of the issues in a moment of crisis.

Honestly, I would not do a darn thing to try to “fix” this. It won’t work and will only make you more angry. Pretend she isn’t there, hire more help and eagerly anticipate her being gone in 3 weeks.

Yup, you’re 100% right. It was totally predictable and I should have known better, but when I was overwhelmed and not thinking straight I made the mistake. I also thought it would be nice for the kids to have grandma around especially after the trauma of their dad being in ICU and hospital for weeks - which it is, except she won’t take them anywhere..

She just came and asked me to make her coffee.. I told her she knows how the coffee maker works and am now counting to 100

You sound awful!

You sound ridiculous!

Being angry and passive aggressive towards someone for refusing to do what you expect them to do while also refusing to clue them in on what you'd like them to do because you have decided it will make them upset is the definition of awful.

I understand why her mother is reluctant to do anything because because op will likely be upset.


And someone who wants to pawn their own mother off on the nanny just isn't kind.

Can you read? Refusing to clue her in? Every time OP asks something specific the mother says no.

Go to bed, troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reality is this was totally predictable. You just lost sight of the issues in a moment of crisis.

Honestly, I would not do a darn thing to try to “fix” this. It won’t work and will only make you more angry. Pretend she isn’t there, hire more help and eagerly anticipate her being gone in 3 weeks.

Yup, you’re 100% right. It was totally predictable and I should have known better, but when I was overwhelmed and not thinking straight I made the mistake. I also thought it would be nice for the kids to have grandma around especially after the trauma of their dad being in ICU and hospital for weeks - which it is, except she won’t take them anywhere..

She just came and asked me to make her coffee.. I told her she knows how the coffee maker works and am now counting to 100

You sound awful!

You sound ridiculous!

Being angry and passive aggressive towards someone for refusing to do what you expect them to do while also refusing to clue them in on what you'd like them to do because you have decided it will make them upset is the definition of awful.

I understand why her mother is reluctant to do anything because because op will likely be upset.


And someone who wants to pawn their own mother off on the nanny just isn't kind.

If I was the mom in this situation, I’d hope that I would be more responsive and if I wasn’t clear I would start every day asking “how can I help you today?”