Regret asking my mom to “help”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reality is this was totally predictable. You just lost sight of the issues in a moment of crisis.

Honestly, I would not do a darn thing to try to “fix” this. It won’t work and will only make you more angry. Pretend she isn’t there, hire more help and eagerly anticipate her being gone in 3 weeks.

Yup, you’re 100% right. It was totally predictable and I should have known better, but when I was overwhelmed and not thinking straight I made the mistake. I also thought it would be nice for the kids to have grandma around especially after the trauma of their dad being in ICU and hospital for weeks - which it is, except she won’t take them anywhere..

She just came and asked me to make her coffee.. I told her she knows how the coffee maker works and am now counting to 100

You sound awful!

She sounds burdened. Who comes to help and then expects to be waited on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reality is this was totally predictable. You just lost sight of the issues in a moment of crisis.

Honestly, I would not do a darn thing to try to “fix” this. It won’t work and will only make you more angry. Pretend she isn’t there, hire more help and eagerly anticipate her being gone in 3 weeks.

Yup, you’re 100% right. It was totally predictable and I should have known better, but when I was overwhelmed and not thinking straight I made the mistake. I also thought it would be nice for the kids to have grandma around especially after the trauma of their dad being in ICU and hospital for weeks - which it is, except she won’t take them anywhere..

She just came and asked me to make her coffee.. I told her she knows how the coffee maker works and am now counting to 100

You sound awful!

What?! How can that be what you conclude from this?

[Anonymous]

“Mom, I really appreciate the offer to help, but so far, it feels like it has been more work for me. Are there things you feel like you can do to help out? Here are a few ideas.” Maybe she thought she would be emotional support. When my mom used to visit, she would fold laundry and clean up after dinner.

[Anonymous]

The kids, did you mention their ages? If I were about 5th grade or older, I could definitely see my Mom taking me into her confidence, explaining her exaperation and asking that I be in charge of Grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Mom, I really appreciate the offer to help, but so far, it feels like it has been more work for me. Are there things you feel like you can do to help out? Here are a few ideas.” Maybe she thought she would be emotional support. When my mom used to visit, she would fold laundry and clean up after dinner.

This would be taken badly by her and she’d go martyr.. I just burst out laughing at a message I got from my aunt, my mom had told her she was here helping us out and my aunt was so happy to hear and so lucky I have a mom like that. I think for my own sanity I may just ignore her and stop asking as the PP suggested or less I blow up (the whole situation is super stressful so my usually long fuse isn’t great these days)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kids, did you mention their ages? If I were about 5th grade or older, I could definitely see my Mom taking me into her confidence, explaining her exaperation and asking that I be in charge of Grandma.

7 and 9 year old boys..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Mom, I really appreciate the offer to help, but so far, it feels like it has been more work for me. Are there things you feel like you can do to help out? Here are a few ideas.” Maybe she thought she would be emotional support. When my mom used to visit, she would fold laundry and clean up after dinner.

This. Lean into whatever strengths she has. But if things don’t improve, make some excuse up so you can send her home early. Some people think their mere presence lends assistance through sheer osmosis. Others want to help but are too intimidated/tired/passive. Still others have grand notions of helping but their viewpoint changes/they flake out. If you send her home I suspect she will take it hard but it might be worth it for your sanity. And this is a lesson for next time. If she commits to helping out next time, ask her what specific tasks she envisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reality is this was totally predictable. You just lost sight of the issues in a moment of crisis.

Honestly, I would not do a darn thing to try to “fix” this. It won’t work and will only make you more angry. Pretend she isn’t there, hire more help and eagerly anticipate her being gone in 3 weeks.

Yup, you’re 100% right. It was totally predictable and I should have known better, but when I was overwhelmed and not thinking straight I made the mistake. I also thought it would be nice for the kids to have grandma around especially after the trauma of their dad being in ICU and hospital for weeks - which it is, except she won’t take them anywhere..

She just came and asked me to make her coffee.. I told her she knows how the coffee maker works and am now counting to 100

You sound awful!

She sounds burdened. Who comes to help and then expects to be waited on?

She's not so burdened that she can't be on DCUM reporting in real time that her mother wants coffee. Cut me a break -- she ain't that burdened.

[Anonymous]

Hang in there OP! You are under a lot of stress! You are not responsible for managing your mother so drop that rope. Ignore her mentally and emotionally. You need your strength for your family! She'll be gone in 3 weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reality is this was totally predictable. You just lost sight of the issues in a moment of crisis.

Honestly, I would not do a darn thing to try to “fix” this. It won’t work and will only make you more angry. Pretend she isn’t there, hire more help and eagerly anticipate her being gone in 3 weeks.

Yup, you’re 100% right. It was totally predictable and I should have known better, but when I was overwhelmed and not thinking straight I made the mistake. I also thought it would be nice for the kids to have grandma around especially after the trauma of their dad being in ICU and hospital for weeks - which it is, except she won’t take them anywhere..

She just came and asked me to make her coffee.. I told her she knows how the coffee maker works and am now counting to 100

You sound awful!

She sounds burdened. Who comes to help and then expects to be waited on?

She's not so burdened that she can't be on DCUM reporting in real time that her mother wants coffee. Cut me a break -- she ain't that burdened.

NP. When I'm overwhelmed is exactly when I am on DCUM the most. It's sort of mindless and an escape from whatever stressors I'm experiencing in real life.

This sounds like my mother, OP. She came for 3 days after my first was born, which I knew was a bad idea, and she added so much stress by 1) not helping at all and 2) adding to my workload/expecting to be waited on. I barely lasted the 3 days AND she was staying in a hotel. I feel for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hang in there OP! You are under a lot of stress! You are not responsible for managing your mother so drop that rope. Ignore her mentally and emotionally. You need your strength for your family! She'll be gone in 3 weeks.

. . . or possibly sooner, if you can somehow swing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Mom, I really appreciate the offer to help, but so far, it feels like it has been more work for me. Are there things you feel like you can do to help out? Here are a few ideas.” Maybe she thought she would be emotional support. When my mom used to visit, she would fold laundry and clean up after dinner.

This. Lean into whatever strengths she has. But if things don’t improve, make some excuse up so you can send her home early. Some people think their mere presence lends assistance through sheer osmosis. Others want to help but are too intimidated/tired/passive. Still others have grand notions of helping but their viewpoint changes/they flake out. If you send her home I suspect she will take it hard but it might be worth it for your sanity. And this is a lesson for next time. If she commits to helping out next time, ask her what specific tasks she envisions.

This cracked me up. Assistance through osmosis 😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reality is this was totally predictable. You just lost sight of the issues in a moment of crisis.

Honestly, I would not do a darn thing to try to “fix” this. It won’t work and will only make you more angry. Pretend she isn’t there, hire more help and eagerly anticipate her being gone in 3 weeks.

Yup, you’re 100% right. It was totally predictable and I should have known better, but when I was overwhelmed and not thinking straight I made the mistake. I also thought it would be nice for the kids to have grandma around especially after the trauma of their dad being in ICU and hospital for weeks - which it is, except she won’t take them anywhere..

She just came and asked me to make her coffee.. I told her she knows how the coffee maker works and am now counting to 100

You sound awful!

She sounds burdened. Who comes to help and then expects to be waited on?

She's not so burdened that she can't be on DCUM reporting in real time that her mother wants coffee. Cut me a break -- she ain't that burdened.

PP—Let us know how you handled things when your spouse came home after being in the hospital, including the ICU. Please advise us all on the appropriate response when you have two young children and a spouse that is recovering from a major accident. Tell us how you waited on your parent who claimed they flew in to “help” but hasn’t done a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reality is this was totally predictable. You just lost sight of the issues in a moment of crisis.

Honestly, I would not do a darn thing to try to “fix” this. It won’t work and will only make you more angry. Pretend she isn’t there, hire more help and eagerly anticipate her being gone in 3 weeks.

Yup, you’re 100% right. It was totally predictable and I should have known better, but when I was overwhelmed and not thinking straight I made the mistake. I also thought it would be nice for the kids to have grandma around especially after the trauma of their dad being in ICU and hospital for weeks - which it is, except she won’t take them anywhere..

She just came and asked me to make her coffee.. I told her she knows how the coffee maker works and am now counting to 100

You sound awful!

She sounds burdened. Who comes to help and then expects to be waited on?

She's not so burdened that she can't be on DCUM reporting in real time that her mother wants coffee. Cut me a break -- she ain't that burdened.

you are so right, she works full time, has two kids 7 and 9 and is the only parent in charge at this time, husband just had catastrophic accident that made him spend weeks at the ICU and in the hospital. and she is so awful because the person who came offering to help not only does nothing but expects her to make her coffee. I can't believe she is complaining /s

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you. This is totally my mom. She wants to come "help" so she can tell all her friends how much she helped out, but she literally causes more work to be done. She's completely incapable of jumping in and doing something, like laundry.
Make a list of everything that has to be done and ask her which ones she would like to do and then mark the list.
That's all I've got because I have never successfully gotten my own mom to change.