Regret asking my mom to “help”
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Anonymous
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My husband was in an awful accident a few weeks back and is finally back home recovering. He needs a lot of care, kids are off school and I’m back to work.. I’ve hired help and was managing ok, but my mom kept offering to come help and when my husband got out of the hospital I agreed, thinking it would be good to have help with the kids in particular. She got tickets for a month and flew in from overseas.
The problem is she does… nothing. She’s not from here and won’t leave the house without me so can’t pick up kids, take them out, go to the grocery.. I suggested she go with the nanny a few times so she learns how things work but she sleeps in till 9 and shows no initiative. If I ask her something very specific she may do it, but none of the cooking or child care I imagined is happening. At this point I’m 1000x more stressed by her being here than I would have been because I’m honestly so annoyed. Help? She is very sensitive and will not take it well if I say something. 3 more weeks to go and I may just suck it up and pretend she’s not here… I’m beating myself up because in retrospect I should have seen this coming, I was just so desperate for “help” and forgot this is how she’s like. |
Anonymous
| I think then ask her for a few specific things a day. |
Anonymous
| Ask her how she envisions herself helping and see what she says. Keep in mind she’s got jet lag and is probably used to a slower, calmer pace of life and may be using this first week to get used to everything. |
Anonymous
| Ask your mom to cook dinner. I was in a very similar situation except it lasted 10 months and in the end, I blew up at her and now we are not on speaking terms. I regret that but still get so pissed off when I remember how much harder that time was because family came to "help" |
Anonymous
| I would also task her to make dinner every night, assuming she likes to cook? Instacart the groceries so neither of you have to shop together. If you have an older kid or teen who can help her put the food into the app so you don't have to, even better. I have MiL who also loves to "help"/sit around and it drives me bananas. Her signature move is to show up after everything is done and offer her help. Like food is all cooked, table is set, kids are ready, she walks in and magnanimously asks "is there anything I can do?" |
Anonymous
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Definitely ask her how she envisioned being a help. Listen patiently. She may just respond with a non-specific “I just wanted to help.”
Make a list of things you need help with. Show her the list and ask which ones she would like to take. |
Anonymous
+1. Once you’re out of the raising kids years it’s hard to remember just how demanding that lifestyle is. She may not remember all the things that need to get done in a daily basis. |
Anonymous
| I mean, use your words. Why is this hard? |
Anonymous
Oh gosh, 10 months, I’m so sorry! You have the patience of an angel if it took you that long to blow up. Fortunately she’s only here one month but it still feels looong! I asked her yesterday to make lunch for my husband as I had to go outside for a work meeting and she said she didn’t know what to make.. when I asked her to make dinner, she said she could do the fish but could someone else do the side dishes?! I just asked if she could join the nanny for pickup tomorrow so she got to know her way around and she said she’ll see, it may be too hot for her… I’ll keep trying but wow I’m amazed at the passiveness. To those saying to ask her what she had in mind when she came to help, it makes a lot of sense but knowing her she’d be very offended and go into martyr mode and I don’t think I can handle that on top of everything else! |
Anonymous
Because the words don’t help..? |
Anonymous
OP—you’re going to have to take a lot of deep breaths and put your resentment aside. You: I need you to make lunch for Bob. Mom: I don’t know what to make. You: I’m confident you will figure it out. I’m getting on my call now. Bob is waiting upstairs. (Then walk away) You: A big help would be for you to make dinner. Mom: I can make the fish. Can someone make the sides? You: Actually no. I’m sure you will figure out the sides and they’ll be delicious. I’ve got to go take care of Bob. Call me when dinner is ready. (Then walk away.) Give the direction. Tell her you have confidence in her. Walk away and be unavailable. |
Anonymous
| Can you assign her to laundry? Is there anything she knows how to cook? |
Anonymous
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The reality is this was totally predictable. You just lost sight of the issues in a moment of crisis.
Honestly, I would not do a darn thing to try to “fix” this. It won’t work and will only make you more angry. Pretend she isn’t there, hire more help and eagerly anticipate her being gone in 3 weeks. |
Anonymous
Yup, you’re 100% right. It was totally predictable and I should have known better, but when I was overwhelmed and not thinking straight I made the mistake. I also thought it would be nice for the kids to have grandma around especially after the trauma of their dad being in ICU and hospital for weeks - which it is, except she won’t take them anywhere.. She just came and asked me to make her coffee.. I told her she knows how the coffee maker works and am now counting to 100 
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Anonymous
You sound awful! |