Regret asking my mom to “help”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think then ask her for a few specific things a day.

Exactly. Could she do some loads of laundry? Would she change the sheets on the kids beds? Would she vacuum the living room and then dust? Could she make some lasagna to put in the freezer? Could she start dinner (and then tell her exactly what you want and how to do it)? All of those are things that she can do in the safety of your home.

I get it, OP. I would be frustrated and frazzled, too. I think the PP is on to something, though. Hopefully if you give your mom some suggestions within her comfort area she'll be more helpful.

All of this, plus put it in a notebook like most of us would do for a new person, especially for a foreigner. OP seems to expect her mother to just figure everything out.
Please write out the few things you know your mother can best accomplish. Careful about criticizing how she’s doing everything.

OP?

[Anonymous]

My mom drives me nuts too but she does laundry and makes lunches and dinner and takes the kids out. I really shouldn’t complain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think then ask her for a few specific things a day.

Exactly. Could she do some loads of laundry? Would she change the sheets on the kids beds? Would she vacuum the living room and then dust? Could she make some lasagna to put in the freezer? Could she start dinner (and then tell her exactly what you want and how to do it)? All of those are things that she can do in the safety of your home.

I get it, OP. I would be frustrated and frazzled, too. I think the PP is on to something, though. Hopefully if you give your mom some suggestions within her comfort area she'll be more helpful.

All of this, plus put it in a notebook like most of us would do for a new person, especially for a foreigner. OP seems to expect her mother to just figure everything out.
Please write out the few things you know your mother can best accomplish. Careful about criticizing how she’s doing everything.

OP?

I haven’t done a list for her. In retrospect perhaps I should have, though I feel I’ve been very specific in what I’ve asked - cook dinner, make lunch, take out the dog, take kids to the park etc. and explained how things work, suggested she joins the nanny to the park etc, but she doesn’t want to do any of it. I think there is a mix of skills, comfort level and willingness - she has the skills, but willingness is lacking and a list won’t help that. I think the PP who said she thought helping was her mere presence around me was right because there is no other help being offered at all.

Our nanny approached me today and asked if I wanted her to add some household work to her schedule. She’s lovely and I think sees what’s been happening. I think we will take her up on it and add the necessary hours and pay for her to do this until we have head above water. I’ll try a very simple list for my mom too, specifically cooking dinner next week. If not we’ll just deal and let her be for the 3 remaining weeks, hoping she’ll at least stop asking me to do things for her…

(Oh and this morning she

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your mom is super capable, but she is uncomfortable in a different surrounding and has her limits. I would also be unhappy taking the kids out to the park in 80-90 degree weather in the middle of the day when the sun is out. It is super hot and I get rashes from sun exposure. I would also be uncomfortable taking the dog out at night in an unfamiliar surrounding. Making lunch or dinner without clear instructions about what the family likes to eat, where the ingredients and pots and pans are, and how to prepare the food to the family’s taste is also stressful. I know I’m assuming that you are not giving her direction, but I would definitely give her more direction. If there are cultural barriers, then the hand holding increases. My mom is only comfortable making food she can make, otherwise she won’t attempt it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your mom is super capable, but she is uncomfortable in a different surrounding and has her limits. I would also be unhappy taking the kids out to the park in 80-90 degree weather in the middle of the day when the sun is out. It is super hot and I get rashes from sun exposure. I would also be uncomfortable taking the dog out at night in an unfamiliar surrounding. Making lunch or dinner without clear instructions about what the family likes to eat, where the ingredients and pots and pans are, and how to prepare the food to the family’s taste is also stressful. I know I’m assuming that you are not giving her direction, but I would definitely give her more direction. If there are cultural barriers, then the hand holding increases. My mom is only comfortable making food she can make, otherwise she won’t attempt it.

But if you’re uncomfortable with all that would you have offered to come help? If so, why? And if your daughter’s family is in a crisis and you want to help, will you only do what doesn’t make you “uncomfortable”?

I think getting help elsewhere is OP’s best option as mom has proven herself unwilling or incapable or both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The reality is this was totally predictable. You just lost sight of the issues in a moment of crisis.

Honestly, I would not do a darn thing to try to “fix” this. It won’t work and will only make you more angry. Pretend she isn’t there, hire more help and eagerly anticipate her being gone in 3 weeks.

Yup, you’re 100% right. It was totally predictable and I should have known better, but when I was overwhelmed and not thinking straight I made the mistake. I also thought it would be nice for the kids to have grandma around especially after the trauma of their dad being in ICU and hospital for weeks - which it is, except she won’t take them anywhere..

She just came and asked me to make her coffee.. I told her she knows how the coffee maker works and am now counting to 100

You sound awful!

You sound ridiculous!

Being angry and passive aggressive towards someone for refusing to do what you expect them to do while also refusing to clue them in on what you'd like them to do because you have decided it will make them upset is the definition of awful.

I understand why her mother is reluctant to do anything because because op will likely be upset.


And someone who wants to pawn their own mother off on the nanny just isn't kind.

Your reading comprehension is shockingly poor. Reread OP’s posts, then try again.

[Anonymous]

I don’t mean to be cruel - but why don’t you say mom I love you but you’re not helping you’re stressing me out. So you’re going home. I’m glad you got to come for a week but I can’t take care of an additional person for 3 more weeks. Then send her ass home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband was in an awful accident a few weeks back and is finally back home recovering. He needs a lot of care, kids are off school and I’m back to work.. I’ve hired help and was managing ok, but my mom kept offering to come help and when my husband got out of the hospital I agreed, thinking it would be good to have help with the kids in particular. She got tickets for a month and flew in from overseas.

The problem is she does… nothing. She’s not from here and won’t leave the house without me so can’t pick up kids, take them out, go to the grocery.. I suggested she go with the nanny a few times so she learns how things work but she sleeps in till 9 and shows no initiative. If I ask her something very specific she may do it, but none of the cooking or child care I imagined is happening. At this point I’m 1000x more stressed by her being here than I would have been because I’m honestly so annoyed.

Help? She is very sensitive and will not take it well if I say something. 3 more weeks to go and I may just suck it up and pretend she’s not here… I’m beating myself up because in retrospect I should have seen this coming, I was just so desperate for “help” and forgot this is how she’s like.

I was going to suggest you just ignore her. Or if she can do something specific like vacuum, fold towels, clean out a drawer, make a list of a task or two a day. Consider it a lesson learned.

[Anonymous]

In the interests of keeping peace and not creating an estrangement for you to cope with on top of a very filled plate, I recommend that you ‘ignore’ her for the three weeks and then send her off home. She isn’t going to help.

The stories shared about helping mothers and mothers in law are exhibit A of classic narcissist behavior. Asking an overburdened exhausted working mom of two with an injured husband requiring home care to make one coffee if so selfish it’s hard to grasp. Falling asleep with a new mom’s baby on your chest after getting buzzed on wine is a step even beyond that. I’m sorry these are your moms, ladies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t mean to be cruel - but why don’t you say mom I love you but you’re not helping you’re stressing me out. So you’re going home. I’m glad you got to come for a week but I can’t take care of an additional person for 3 more weeks. Then send her ass home.

This is the answer! Even if it costs money on the flight. Throw some money at this problem. Your mom will be disappointed but you will feel SO MUCH better.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, it’s insane that your priority here is to avoid upsetting her. So she will take the criticism poorly? So what?! She sounds like a nightmare and having her opt out of your lives seems like a pro to me.

[Anonymous]

DH’s brother’s family (2 adults, 11 and 9 year old) came to visit from a foreign country for 2 weeks. They weren’t coming to help, just to visit, but l can relate to the just tough it out mentality. The family’s routine was to get up around 7 which also worked for us. But the mom wouldn’t come downstairs until after 10 because she was on vacation / sleeping in. The thing is she insisted that her husband and kids wait to eat breakfast with her - they had to “eat as a family”. So the poor kids were up for 3 hours without being allowed to have breakfast or go out. In the 2 weeks she didn’t learn anything - like where to get a cup for water. Her husband did his best to compensate, but l hated that she treated us like servants.

I told DH never again, 4 days is the max l will ever allow her to stay in my house again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband was in an awful accident a few weeks back and is finally back home recovering. He needs a lot of care, kids are off school and I’m back to work.. I’ve hired help and was managing ok, but my mom kept offering to come help and when my husband got out of the hospital I agreed, thinking it would be good to have help with the kids in particular. She got tickets for a month and flew in from overseas.

The problem is she does… nothing. She’s not from here and won’t leave the house without me so can’t pick up kids, take them out, go to the grocery.. I suggested she go with the nanny a few times so she learns how things work but she sleeps in till 9 and shows no initiative. If I ask her something very specific she may do it, but none of the cooking or child care I imagined is happening. At this point I’m 1000x more stressed by her being here than I would have been because I’m honestly so annoyed.

Help? She is very sensitive and will not take it well if I say something. 3 more weeks to go and I may just suck it up and pretend she’s not here… I’m beating myself up because in retrospect I should have seen this coming, I was just so desperate for “help” and forgot this is how she’s like.

How old are you? You know your mother and you certainly should have known her habits. You should have told her what you needed and wanted from her help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband was in an awful accident a few weeks back and is finally back home recovering. He needs a lot of care, kids are off school and I’m back to work.. I’ve hired help and was managing ok, but my mom kept offering to come help and when my husband got out of the hospital I agreed, thinking it would be good to have help with the kids in particular. She got tickets for a month and flew in from overseas.

The problem is she does… nothing. She’s not from here and won’t leave the house without me so can’t pick up kids, take them out, go to the grocery.. I suggested she go with the nanny a few times so she learns how things work but she sleeps in till 9 and shows no initiative. If I ask her something very specific she may do it, but none of the cooking or child care I imagined is happening. At this point I’m 1000x more stressed by her being here than I would have been because I’m honestly so annoyed.

Help? She is very sensitive and will not take it well if I say something. 3 more weeks to go and I may just suck it up and pretend she’s not here… I’m beating myself up because in retrospect I should have seen this coming, I was just so desperate for “help” and forgot this is how she’s like.

How old are you? You know your mother and you certainly should have known her habits. You should have told her what you needed and wanted from her help.

Sounds to me that mom is more than capable in her own home and voiced intention to take initiative and help out. I get that she feels a little bit out of her comfort zone in a new home and isn’t sure where to focus her efforts but OP is giving her specific instructions and she appears to be too intimidated to help out at all. I don’t think a OP could’ve predicted this kind of extreme reaction and I don’t think it’s her fault at all.

I actually do feel for the mom because I’m sure she must know on some level that she is not being helpful and that makes her feel bad but the focus right now really should be on moving past that and seeking out ways to be of assistance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband was in an awful accident a few weeks back and is finally back home recovering. He needs a lot of care, kids are off school and I’m back to work.. I’ve hired help and was managing ok, but my mom kept offering to come help and when my husband got out of the hospital I agreed, thinking it would be good to have help with the kids in particular. She got tickets for a month and flew in from overseas.

The problem is she does… nothing. She’s not from here and won’t leave the house without me so can’t pick up kids, take them out, go to the grocery.. I suggested she go with the nanny a few times so she learns how things work but she sleeps in till 9 and shows no initiative. If I ask her something very specific she may do it, but none of the cooking or child care I imagined is happening. At this point I’m 1000x more stressed by her being here than I would have been because I’m honestly so annoyed.

Help? She is very sensitive and will not take it well if I say something. 3 more weeks to go and I may just suck it up and pretend she’s not here… I’m beating myself up because in retrospect I should have seen this coming, I was just so desperate for “help” and forgot this is how she’s like.

How old are you? You know your mother and you certainly should have known her habits. You should have told her what you needed and wanted from her help.

Sounds to me that mom is more than capable in her own home and voiced intention to take initiative and help out. I get that she feels a little bit out of her comfort zone in a new home and isn’t sure where to focus her efforts but OP is giving her specific instructions and she appears to be too intimidated to help out at all. I don’t think a OP could’ve predicted this kind of extreme reaction and I don’t think it’s her fault at all.

I actually do feel for the mom because I’m sure she must know on some level that she is not being helpful and that makes her feel bad but the focus right now really should be on moving past that and seeking out ways to be of assistance.

OP here - thank you! I don’t get why people post questions like “how old are you?” And “why didn’t you know better?” As I mentioned before, I was desperate for help and in a situation of crisis grasped the offer without thinking through properly what she’s like. Yes, in retrospect I absolutely would have said no (she kept offering!) but I also didn’t think it would be this bad - not willing to go out of the house etc. she’s being more selfish than I’d imagined and not making any effort to step out of her comfort zone.

At first I also felt bad she flew this far just to sit around the house, but I’m way beyond that now and it’s her own choice. I’ll manage by ignoring, having zero expectations and up the wine intake I asked her if she could bake with the kids this weekend, let’s see if that will happen..