How do you deal with a 20 something daughter moving in with boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

You don't. They are in their 20s and are adults. It's on them.

[Anonymous]

Grandma, prepare for daughter and grand baby moving in with you in 2 years or so, after the freeloader has drunk the free milk and didn’t leave a forwarding address.

[Anonymous]

I see nothing to worry about here. Be happy for them I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grandma, prepare for daughter and grand baby moving in with you in 2 years or so, after the freeloader has drunk the free milk and didn’t leave a forwarding address.

oh good lord

[Anonymous]

I see nothing wrong with it, however I see a lot wrong with parental attempts at interference into the lives of adult children. I moved in with my now-husband shortly after we started dating, as many on this thread have reflected.

Given the current state of the economy and fuel prices, it could start making a lot more financial sense for many couples in the near future. It is much more cost-efficient to live together than to maintain separate households and drive to see each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is an adult capable of making her own choices. What she's doing seems extremely pragmatic to me. If they are living in the same city, they'd be spending nights together regardless, so why pay rent on two places? Beyond that, as PPs have said, it's essential to know if you can live with someone before you get "a ring and a date." Be happy for them. Be proud of raising a responsible kid. You even said you actually like this guy! I don't get what the problem is.

Moving in won't ensure that, or even, statistically speaking, improve the chances of not getting divorced.

But parents butting into their children's decisions does the most to undermine future happiness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grandma, prepare for daughter and grand baby moving in with you in 2 years or so, after the freeloader has drunk the free milk and didn’t leave a forwarding address.

What a sexist clueless comment. What makes you think daughter isn't one "drinking the free milk."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grandma, prepare for daughter and grand baby moving in with you in 2 years or so, after the freeloader has drunk the free milk and didn’t leave a forwarding address.

What a sexist clueless comment. What makes you think daughter isn't one "drinking the free milk."

Lol that isn’t milk.

[Anonymous]

My mom freaked out when I moved in with my boyfriend when I had just turned 21. I had no intention on getting engaged and she told me I couldn’t live with him before marriage. I did anyway and she made a big deal about hiding it from the relatives. It was easier then since this was the days before cell phones, the internet and we weren’t in the same town.

It’s 26 years later and we are married with kids. Even if we had broken up, it would have been okay. We were having sex before we lived together and he was a much more responsible roommates than the ones before that in college. We were young but adults.

[Anonymous]

Moved in with my boyfriend at 21 after 1.5 years of dating, been together another 14 years, married for 8, and have 3 kids. We’re doing well and I don’t regret it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The one thing my mother told me was to use caution when living with boyfriends. It's so easy to move in and MUCH harder to move OUT. Inertia can carry you for a long time in a bad relationship. Needing to pull up and move can keep people in the wrong relationship for a long time.

So if she's reasonably sure this relationship will around for a good long while, and he is too, then I don't think it's a problem. Or if she's willing to pack it up and move it out when she realizes it's not the right fit, fine.

But this is just counsel if she asks. If she doesn't, I'd do your best to be supportive and stay in her confidence. She'll need that if things don't work out.

The business concept of "sunk costs" applies to relationships as well.
And that is why it is easy to move in but much harder to move out. It is hard to walk away from the investment of time and hope. Some us will keep dumping more resources into keeping a bad ship afloat.
OP, the only thing you can do is support her and be there to facilitate if and when she decides it is a bad investment.

I had a talk with my younger sister after she and live-in boyfriend of 8 years broke up. She said her live-in history shouldn't matter to any prospective boyfriend. I asked her if (tables are turned) SHE wanted to date someone who similarly had a failed 8 year live-in relationship. She became very defensive and said her live-in situation was "different"....blah blah.
A live-n past can seem like baggage to others (like a divorce).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP: her getting tied down when she should be using these years to learn more about herself. And the possibility he strings her along if she wants to get married.

This is what happened to me. I would say my naivete had more to do with my poor upbringing. It wasn't until we finally married and had kids that I realized how much there were no shared goals, no mutuality. Stupid me, it wasn't until the kids came along that I realized his priorities would never align with mine.

OP, since you are on here posting your worries, I think your daughter had a careful upbringing and is not as naive.

For all the success live-in stories out there, there are unsuccessful ones too. On average, long-term live-in actually results in more divorces than the norm. It is thought that the intrinsic lack of commitment that characterizes long live-in relationships carries into the marriage.
One party may expect the marriage to cement the live-in dynamic.
The other party may expect the marriage to change the live-in dynamic.
And there lies the irreconcilable differences.

[Anonymous]

At 24, I'd be fine with it but I'd want a ring on the finger or marriage in the next two years. My sister did several long term (5-10 year relationships) that never ended in marriage with the men stringing her on, so that is my big concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 24, I'd be fine with it but I'd want a ring on the finger or marriage in the next two years. My sister did several long term (5-10 year relationships) that never ended in marriage with the men stringing her on, so that is my big concern.

She’s already worried about them moving in together and now you want to take it a step further?! Slow Down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grandma, prepare for daughter and grand baby moving in with you in 2 years or so, after the freeloader has drunk the free milk and didn’t leave a forwarding address.

+1. Living together is so tacky and low class. No honorable and responsible "man" does this, it's man-children mooching without putting a ring on it.