How do you deal with a 20 something daughter moving in with boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

Yeah but for every positive story there is a negative one folks.

I moved in with my BF (in London, not the US with far lower expectations about marriage in 20s)

We were 21 when we moved in, at 25/26 we bought a place together - both names on the mortgage and at 27/28 he moved out.

It was devastating.

[Anonymous]

she's a grown ass woman....and can make her own decisions (thankfully). Lord

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your worry?

OP: her getting tied down when she should be using these years to learn more about herself. And the possibility he strings her along if she wants to get married.

how do you know SHE won't tie HIM down when HE should be using these years to learn more about HIMself? How do you know SHE won't string HER along if HE wants to get married? Don't they both have agency over themselves?

[Anonymous]

Wait what? Both my brother and I had met our future spouses by that age. My brother might have actually already been engaged by then. What on earth is wrong with being in a serious monogamous relationship at age.... TWENTY FOUR? Like, what is the right age in your mind? Let's say she dumps him and then spends the next few years finding out more about herself, as you say. Then she is 30 and single. That's when DCUM is telling women to start freezing their eggs and treating online dating like a second job in order to land a husband before it's too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah but for every positive story there is a negative one folks.

I moved in with my BF (in London, not the US with far lower expectations about marriage in 20s)

We were 21 when we moved in, at 25/26 we bought a place together - both names on the mortgage and at 27/28 he moved out.

It was devastating.

And for every story like this, there is a woman who is still single in her 30s after breaking up with a boyfriend in her early 20s who was actually a great catch. What is your point. Breakups happen. The solution is not to never be in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah but for every positive story there is a negative one folks.

I moved in with my BF (in London, not the US with far lower expectations about marriage in 20s)

We were 21 when we moved in, at 25/26 we bought a place together - both names on the mortgage and at 27/28 he moved out.

It was devastating.

Your mistake was in buying property together, not moving in together.

[Anonymous]

I NEVER would have agreed to marry my husband before we'd lived together for at least a year. I wanted to see what I'd be signing up for! Everything from does he keep the toilet seat down to how does he manage his temper when he comes home from work in a bad mood to does he clean up the kitchen if he needs a midnight snack to will he expect me to buy all the cards and gifts for his family members.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah but for every positive story there is a negative one folks.

I moved in with my BF (in London, not the US with far lower expectations about marriage in 20s)

We were 21 when we moved in, at 25/26 we bought a place together - both names on the mortgage and at 27/28 he moved out.

It was devastating.

The same can be said about every decision made by every 20-something since the beginning of time. Some prove to be the right ones, some don't. But none of them are up to mommy to decide.

It also sounds like you had a pretty good run. Lots of marriages don't last that long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They have been dating for over two years and met in college. Nice guy from good parents. I always told her do not move in unless there is a ring and a date. Some of her friends are living with SOs and I was always happy she was living on her own rather than doing this.

They are both turning 24. OK, get they are adults but both sets of parents are somewhat uneasy. If you have been in the same situation, how did you cope?

Well your DD and the SO are in a relationship that survived the pandemic. Unless they were in different cities both were likely paying rent and now that is 50%. What do you do? Whenever they're available and assuming you are within a reasonable drive, take them out for lunch or dinner. They choose the restaurant and you pick up the bill. Worked well for us with more than 1 adult DC plus my DH and I decades ago.

If they cook and invite you over for a meal , bring what they ask you to bring. Don't get intrusive and bring appetizers or desserts etc after they have prepared or planned stuff. Don't buy stuff for their abode they don't ask for is another big tip. Since they're new to being adults and living as a couple it's important to respect those boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your worry?

OP: her getting tied down when she should be using these years to learn more about herself. And the possibility he strings her along if she wants to get married.

She could be doing that to him just as easily

Dp how often does that happen to a man?

Seriously? It happens to men and to women both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your worry?

OP: her getting tied down when she should be using these years to learn more about herself. And the possibility he strings her along if she wants to get married.

I'm surprised to hear that 20-somethings have this idealized goal of just "wanting to get married" anymore. The goal should be success, happiness, independence. If they happen to find someone and together they feel marriage is the right step for them, great. that's part of the journey. But I hope we're not still putting these stupid expectations on women anymore. I know I would never want a primary goal for my daughter to be "to get married." So old fashioned and antiquated. I have been married for 24 years with a 19 year old and 17 year old. I cannot imagine asking how I "cope" if one of them chooses to move in with a significant other after college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah but for every positive story there is a negative one folks.

I moved in with my BF (in London, not the US with far lower expectations about marriage in 20s)

We were 21 when we moved in, at 25/26 we bought a place together - both names on the mortgage and at 27/28 he moved out.

It was devastating.

Your mistake was in buying property together, not moving in together.

I mean, it wouldn't have been any less devastating if they had married at 25/26 when they bought the place.

Breakups can be really hard. There is no way to avoid that possibility except to never form a relationship with anyone. Living separately does not inoculate you against the possibility of a painful breakup. Nor does getting married before living together.

[Anonymous]

My 24-year-old DS lives with his girlfriend.

How do I cope? I invite them to dinner on Sundays and am happy when they are able to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah but for every positive story there is a negative one folks.

I moved in with my BF (in London, not the US with far lower expectations about marriage in 20s)

We were 21 when we moved in, at 25/26 we bought a place together - both names on the mortgage and at 27/28 he moved out.

It was devastating.

And for every story like this, there is a woman who is still single in her 30s after breaking up with a boyfriend in her early 20s who was actually a great catch. What is your point. Breakups happen. The solution is not to never be in a relationship.

+1. And OP likes this guy! OP what if you make her break up with him and she starts dating a Miami crypto bro or something

[Anonymous]

Every family is different. Personally, I wouldn’t be comfortable with my 20-something daughter doing this but that’s just me. And ultimately it’s not my decision anyway.

What I would do for sure is talk with her about getting an IUD.