How do you deal with a 20 something daughter moving in with boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your worry?

OP: her getting tied down when she should be using these years to learn more about herself. And the possibility he strings her along if she wants to get married.

She could be doing that to him just as easily

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your worry?

OP: her getting tied down when she should be using these years to learn more about herself. And the possibility he strings her along if she wants to get married.

She could be doing that to him just as easily

Dp how often does that happen to a man?

[Anonymous]

I moved in with my boyfriend at 21, got married at 23 and had my first child at 25, in grad school.

Happiness is not guaranteed whatever your child does with their love life. It depends on how the people in question treat each other, how they mature and how stress interferes in their lives. My husband and I have suffered through job losses, a child with special needs, chronic disease, etc... it's all about how you react to stress and how resilient you can be as a team.

[Anonymous]

OP, young people often consider this "the next step". It doesn't mean they won't marry. Have in your mind to give it several years before you raise it, again, as a concern.

And don't be talking about it to others. You probably really shouldn't "know" what his parents think. Don't go looking for opinions or talking about this young couple's business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your worry?

OP: her getting tied down when she should be using these years to learn more about herself. And the possibility he strings her along if she wants to get married.

She could be doing that to him just as easily

Dp how often does that happen to a man?

Who knows? But we got to stop assuming women are always victims and men always have ulterior evil motives.

[Anonymous]

MYOB. She's an adult. 24 years old. There's nothing for you to deal with or cope with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your worry?

OP: her getting tied down when she should be using these years to learn more about herself. And the possibility he strings her along if she wants to get married.

But you just contradicted your self. The original post said don’t move in without a ring. This follow up says you want her to avoid being tied down and want her to find herself. Which is it? It doesn’t matter—they are adults and presumably paying their own bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They have been dating for over two years and met in college. Nice guy from good parents. I always told her do not move in unless there is a ring and a date. Some of her friends are living with SOs and I was always happy she was living on her own rather than doing this.

They are both turning 24. OK, get they are adults but both sets of parents are somewhat uneasy. If you have been in the same situation, how did you cope?

Tell her she needs to break up with him or you will cut her off financially and emotionally. Then, tell her she has to remain single until she turns 29 before marrying a man from a good family with high earning potential. Then, tell her no kids until her career is established. Then, tell her she needs to get pregnant the minute she turns 32 so she can have two children exactly 2.5 years apart before she turns 35.

Just kidding! Back off bc she is an adult and you can't micromanage her anymore. Reflect on how great it is that she is in a good relationship with a nice man and trust her to live her life.

[Anonymous]

I moved in with my college boyfriend a week after graduating from college. We've been married 25 years.

[Anonymous]

Living together is a great way to test compatibility. Instead of trying to control her, keep communication lines open, be respectful of her choices, and if she trusts you, she may open up more about her relationship. There are so many middle aged couples on this board complaining about unequal division of labor in the home and the toll on their marriage while millennials and GenZ have happier and healthier relationships - probably because they lived with their SO prior to a commitment and don’t live by these old adages like having a ring before moving-in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You realize that you have done your job and that you have done your best to instill her with good decision making skills. It may not be the choice you would make, but she is an adult and it’s not up to her to make you feel or allay your unease.

You could alleviate some of your concerns about the benefits of marriage by encouraging her to to get a cohabitation agreement, to encourage relationship counselling as a means to a healthy relationship, and accept that she is not you and will make different decisions than you have made.

+1

~fellow parent of a 20-something co-habitor

[Anonymous]

I have four grown daughters. Three are married. All three moved in with their boyfriends in their early to mid 20s before marrying them. There was nothing to "cope" with. They were adults and what they do is their business. You really need to loosen the apron strings.

[Anonymous]

OP, is this some religious thing? Or wondering what people will think? Either way, please look at the responses here that overwhelmingly suggest you MYOB. The two people in question are adults and seemingly self supporting.

There is nothing to "cope with" here.

[Anonymous]

Um I was engaged at 24 (and no I'm not religious, just found my soulmate young). You need to butt out, Mom. Young adults are adults nonetheless.

[Anonymous]

Seriously? I am 60 and moved in with my then boyfriend (now husband) at 24. It was fine in the 80s and is certainly fine now.

It's not up to the male to make the decision about marriage. Maybe your DD won't want to get married and she is stringing him along. But it's something they should be discussing together, not her sitting meekly waiting for a proposal.