How do you deal with a 20 something daughter moving in with boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

DH and I lived together for a year at 21 and 22 and a full year before we got married. He even moved abroad to be with me for those early years; dropping out of his US college and finishing in Scotland where I was going to school. We’ve been very happily married for over 20 years.

[Anonymous]

I'd be supportive and happy for them. There's nothing better than being young and in love. I have two kids, ages 22 and 17 if that matters.

[Anonymous]

I'm in my mid-40s, and my dad freaked out and stopped speaking to me when I moved in with my boyfriend at age 26. He thought my cohabitation (in a city 500 miles from where he lived!) reflected poorly on him and the values with which he raised me.

Well, it's almost 20 years later and my now-husband and I are very happy. We got married a couple years after moving in together. My relationship with my dad is surface-level, at best.

[Anonymous]

I moved in with my boyfriend. We knew each other for a few months and got engaged. I decided to wait a year before marriage to make sure he wasn’t crazy.

We have been married happily more than 25 years. You never know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They have been dating for over two years and met in college. Nice guy from good parents. I always told her do not move in unless there is a ring and a date. Some of her friends are living with SOs and I was always happy she was living on her own rather than doing this.

They are both turning 24. OK, get they are adults but both sets of parents are somewhat uneasy. If you have been in the same situation, how did you cope?

Tell her she needs to break up with him or you will cut her off financially and emotionally. Then, tell her she has to remain single until she turns 29 before marrying a man from a good family with high earning potential. Then, tell her no kids until her career is established. Then, tell her she needs to get pregnant the minute she turns 32 so she can have two children exactly 2.5 years apart before she turns 35.

Just kidding! Back off bc she is an adult and you can't micromanage her anymore. Reflect on how great it is that she is in a good relationship with a nice man and trust her to live her life.

You had me going…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I NEVER would have agreed to marry my husband before we'd lived together for at least a year. I wanted to see what I'd be signing up for! Everything from does he keep the toilet seat down to how does he manage his temper when he comes home from work in a bad mood to does he clean up the kitchen if he needs a midnight snack to will he expect me to buy all the cards and gifts for his family members.

And I would never, and didn’t, move in without a ring.

Doesn’t matter. It’s up to the adults in the question to make that decision, not the adults’ parents. She is 24 - her call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every family is different. Personally, I wouldn’t be comfortable with my 20-something daughter doing this but that’s just me. And ultimately it’s not my decision anyway.

What I would do for sure is talk with her about getting an IUD.

I would have been mortified if my parents had ever discussed birth control with me at age 24 (!), and I hated having an IUD so much that I got it taken out. Way too many side effects. OP mind your business! Your child is grown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The one thing my mother told me was to use caution when living with boyfriends. It's so easy to move in and MUCH harder to move OUT. Inertia can carry you for a long time in a bad relationship. Needing to pull up and move can keep people in the wrong relationship for a long time.

So if she's reasonably sure this relationship will around for a good long while, and he is too, then I don't think it's a problem. Or if she's willing to pack it up and move it out when she realizes it's not the right fit, fine.

But this is just counsel if she asks. If she doesn't, I'd do your best to be supportive and stay in her confidence. She'll need that if things don't work out.

+1 Also, if you live in the same area, make sure she knows she always has a home with you if she needs it. That inertia/hard to move out thing is real. One of my good friends was stuck in that college boyfriend relationship far longer than she wanted to because she felt stuck. We became friends when we lived in the same apartment complex and she ended up living on my sofa for a month while she figured out a new apartment. Knowing she had an easy place to go to absolutely helped her finally make the move.

I would make this clear regardless of if it’s the same area. Make sure your adult children know that your home is a safe place to land if needed, whether 35 and escaping an abusive relationship, or 24 and deciding not to stay in a cohabiting situation, etc etc.

[Anonymous]

Encourage stringent birth control and tell her you’re ready to help her find a place of her own f needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah but for every positive story there is a negative one folks.

I moved in with my BF (in London, not the US with far lower expectations about marriage in 20s)

We were 21 when we moved in, at 25/26 we bought a place together - both names on the mortgage and at 27/28 he moved out.

It was devastating.

Your mistake was in buying property together, not moving in together.

That wasn't a mistake. I got the whole place and when I sold it for 2 x its original price, I got all that cash too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah but for every positive story there is a negative one folks.

I moved in with my BF (in London, not the US with far lower expectations about marriage in 20s)

We were 21 when we moved in, at 25/26 we bought a place together - both names on the mortgage and at 27/28 he moved out.

It was devastating.

And for every story like this, there is a woman who is still single in her 30s after breaking up with a boyfriend in her early 20s who was actually a great catch. What is your point. Breakups happen. The solution is not to never be in a relationship.

living with another person is vastly different from just being in a relationship with them, no matter how long. How old are you 12? Are you lacking any actual practical knowledge about life?

[Anonymous]

Not reading all the answers, but this was a Dr. Laura Call of the Day podcast 2 days ago. The daughter is heartbroken she spend 4 years with the guy who dumped her and she was having to move out.

How Can I Help My Daughter?
Play • 6 min

Debbie's grown daughter is brokenhearted since being dumped by her boyfriend, and Debbie would like to know how to ease her pain. - Dr. Laura: "The best parents can do is help their children learn from their mistakes."

[Anonymous]

This is anecdotal like many stories here, but my H and I moved in together at age 22/20 when I graduated from college. We lived in rented places for six years before getting married and buying a house in the same year. This Fall we will have been together 30 years. I do think living together in a rental situation at a younger age is better, because then the situation is more flexible if it doesn't work out. But then people get married and have kids in their early 20s and figure it out so there's not much a parent can say.

[Anonymous]

My anecdote. Fwiw. My bf (now husband) and I moved in together when we were 23 and 26. My dad, who hadn’t been a huge part of raising me, proceeded to tell me what a terrible idea it was and how my bf was using me, and how we should wait til we got married, or it wouldn’t be special. I still haven’t forgotten all those judgmental things my dad said to me that day. 20 years later, My DH and I are happily married, and my dad and I are no longer close.

So I’d keep my mouth shut and let them live their lives.

[Anonymous]

She is an adult capable of making her own choices. What she's doing seems extremely pragmatic to me. If they are living in the same city, they'd be spending nights together regardless, so why pay rent on two places? Beyond that, as PPs have said, it's essential to know if you can live with someone before you get "a ring and a date." Be happy for them. Be proud of raising a responsible kid. You even said you actually like this guy! I don't get what the problem is.