Anyone had success with an open marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people in the dating pool don't want anything to do with you open married people. You're only good for FWB or other kinks, nothing serious, casual sex, rebound sex etc. It will also become completely one sided when the woman has her choice of guys and the man can't get a date. But go ahead and do it, report back.

This is very true. Even for married-but-cheating folks, they shy away from an affair with someone in an open marriage in favor of someone who is also cheating. They want someone with as much to lose and, even when they say, not looking to change your life or mine, they at least like to think that AP is a possibility for a new relationship that will help them exit their marriage. Having an affair with a person where their spouse knows about it is a bit too much for a lot of people. I've been that partner who was good as a FWB, kinky partner, rebound partner until she took her BF back, all of it. About half were single women but all were fairly short-lived and on her terms. If you're a man in an open marriage, you are better off lying about it and saying you are cheating. I didn't and still did well, but it would have been easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ The “low success rate” of an open marriage is actually waaay higher than their status quo of sexless (which has a 100% failure rate).

You keep saying that. But it isn’t true. You have no stats. No anecdotal evidence either. And it makes no sense based on the number of folks actually IN sexless marriages. Even one in this thread!!

Clearly just making sh!t up. Also, the number of people in open marriages compared to marriages in general is tiny. If you could poll those who would talk to you, it would still be statistically insignificant. It's public record when people divorce and the numbers are easy to obtain. No one knows what happens to people in open marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was but it was open for me at my wife's insistence. I really don't want to go into the details but it worked remarkably well but only because of her and her love for me. I doubt I could have handled if the situation was reversed.

Past tense? What happened?

I'll let you speculate but we were married till the end.

Wow, that’s heavy. Hope you’re doing ok.

Thank you. I appreciate the kind words. Fk cancer.

You couldn't just wait?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people in the dating pool don't want anything to do with you open married people. You're only good for FWB or other kinks, nothing serious, casual sex, rebound sex etc. It will also become completely one sided when the woman has her choice of guys and the man can't get a date. But go ahead and do it, report back.

This is very true. Even for married-but-cheating folks, they shy away from an affair with someone in an open marriage in favor of someone who is also cheating. They want someone with as much to lose and, even when they say, not looking to change your life or mine, they at least like to think that AP is a possibility for a new relationship that will help them exit their marriage. Having an affair with a person where their spouse knows about it is a bit too much for a lot of people. I've been that partner who was good as a FWB, kinky partner, rebound partner until she took her BF back, all of it. About half were single women but all were fairly short-lived and on her terms. If you're a man in an open marriage, you are better off lying about it and saying you are cheating. I didn't and still did well, but it would have been easier.

I'm a woman in an open marriage, and if I'm only good for "other kinks" and nothing serious, perfect. Completely ideal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people in the dating pool don't want anything to do with you open married people. You're only good for FWB or other kinks, nothing serious, casual sex, rebound sex etc. It will also become completely one sided when the woman has her choice of guys and the man can't get a date. But go ahead and do it, report back.

This is very true. Even for married-but-cheating folks, they shy away from an affair with someone in an open marriage in favor of someone who is also cheating. They want someone with as much to lose and, even when they say, not looking to change your life or mine, they at least like to think that AP is a possibility for a new relationship that will help them exit their marriage. Having an affair with a person where their spouse knows about it is a bit too much for a lot of people. I've been that partner who was good as a FWB, kinky partner, rebound partner until she took her BF back, all of it. About half were single women but all were fairly short-lived and on her terms. If you're a man in an open marriage, you are better off lying about it and saying you are cheating. I didn't and still did well, but it would have been easier.

I'm a woman in an open marriage, and if I'm only good for "other kinks" and nothing serious, perfect. Completely ideal.

Yeah, it worked for me. I was fine with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if this is a serious question, this is the wrong place to ask. I don't think the DCUM platform has many posters that will support this. I think you should look elsewhere for advice.

There are a few who will support it, but they're the same tired, pathetic incels constantly raging about "hall passes" who are drawn to these threads like moths to a flame.

This. It’s just the one “declare the marriage open” dude who is tediously present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people in the dating pool don't want anything to do with you open married people. You're only good for FWB or other kinks, nothing serious, casual sex, rebound sex etc. It will also become completely one sided when the woman has her choice of guys and the man can't get a date. But go ahead and do it, report back.

This is very true. Even for married-but-cheating folks, they shy away from an affair with someone in an open marriage in favor of someone who is also cheating. They want someone with as much to lose and, even when they say, not looking to change your life or mine, they at least like to think that AP is a possibility for a new relationship that will help them exit their marriage. Having an affair with a person where their spouse knows about it is a bit too much for a lot of people. I've been that partner who was good as a FWB, kinky partner, rebound partner until she took her BF back, all of it. About half were single women but all were fairly short-lived and on her terms. If you're a man in an open marriage, you are better off lying about it and saying you are cheating. I didn't and still did well, but it would have been easier.

I'm a woman in an open marriage, and if I'm only good for "other kinks" and nothing serious, perfect. Completely ideal.

Yeah but are you the busty renn faire wench type?

[Anonymous]

My guess is that your nice coparenting relationship would come to an end if you knew he was out with a girlfriend or that he was texting a girlfriend during family or kid events. You can’t just take his phone away from him.
He’d have the new high of a budding relationship even if it was just sexual, and then he’d come home to look for your kid’s boots that disappeared only to go to bed alone or worse,next to the woman who doesn’t want him. That won’t last very long, assuming he even came home and why would he? If you are still married, he’s got no reason to be home, not when you are. Not to mention, there aren’t a lot of people who want to f**ck a married person, or at least not ones that a healthy adult, one who is mentally healthy wants to f**ck.

Set up all the rules you want, but he doesn’t have to follow them, this isn’t third grade. You can’t exactly call the cops and tell them to go bring your husband home.
He seems like the sort of guy who wouldn’t want an open relationship anyway, traditional men don’t tend to roll that way, my husband wouldn’t. Be whatever sexual orientation you want, just don’t expect the people who associate with you to continue their association if you put them in a position they are uncomfortable with.

Finally, you wouldn’t really be fine with a divorce, you like your house and lifestyle. That would all go away if you two weren’t married, and on some level you know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t heard of an open marriage like one you’re describing work. I have heard of many working when there is open communication, boundaries, and a big effort to sustain and nurture the marriage.

I’ve never heard of a sexless marriage like OPs work.

Your point?

(But as a counterpoint to whatever you’re trying to say: I have heard of it working)

+1, I know several people in this exact marriage who are doing well. Their marriages are about the kids, companionship, shared financial goals, maybe some shared hobbies. Even when one partner would like to be having some sex, it can work, as long as that other stuff is a much higher priority to them. Sure, you could leave the marriage and have a lot more sex. But if it would mean losing your co-parent, best friend, person who knows you better than anyone, and sacrificing your finances... it's not worth it.

For some reason it is taboo in our culture to admit that sex is not your main priority in a long-term relationship. But for a lot of people it isn't. This is consider a tragedy but to me the real tragedy is someone who would break up a family and 10+ year marriage, and jeopardize their retirement and financial security (as well as that of their kids) just for sex. That's crazy to me, and I like sex. I might not be in a sexless marriage, but my sex life doesn't crack the top 5 of the reasons I value my marriage at this point. It's a nice bonus but very far from the reason I'm here.

Spoken only as a woman could. To be clear: MEN do not stay faithful in a sexless marriage. So open marriage (for a man) is literally the ONLY way to avoid divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ The “low success rate” of an open marriage is actually waaay higher than their status quo of sexless (which has a 100% failure rate).

You keep saying that. But it isn’t true. You have no stats. No anecdotal evidence either. And it makes no sense based on the number of folks actually IN sexless marriages. Even one in this thread!!

You keep saying that men stay faithful in a sexless marriage. This absolutely is not true. I know a hundred men who are having affairs and/or divorced a sexless wife. I know zero (healthy) men who are actually "sexless". Just make an account on any "dating" site or AM and very quickly you will find every husband of all of those sexless women friends of yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people in the dating pool don't want anything to do with you open married people. You're only good for FWB or other kinks, nothing serious, casual sex, rebound sex etc. It will also become completely one sided when the woman has her choice of guys and the man can't get a date. But go ahead and do it, report back.

This is very true. Even for married-but-cheating folks, they shy away from an affair with someone in an open marriage in favor of someone who is also cheating. They want someone with as much to lose and, even when they say, not looking to change your life or mine, they at least like to think that AP is a possibility for a new relationship that will help them exit their marriage. Having an affair with a person where their spouse knows about it is a bit too much for a lot of people. I've been that partner who was good as a FWB, kinky partner, rebound partner until she took her BF back, all of it. About half were single women but all were fairly short-lived and on her terms. If you're a man in an open marriage, you are better off lying about it and saying you are cheating. I didn't and still did well, but it would have been easier.

Yeah. It's great to blow up two families/spouses/two sets of kids . That "mutual destruction' BS was started by the Ashley Madison ppl. The implosion it causes is nuclear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people in the dating pool don't want anything to do with you open married people. You're only good for FWB or other kinks, nothing serious, casual sex, rebound sex etc. It will also become completely one sided when the woman has her choice of guys and the man can't get a date. But go ahead and do it, report back.

This is very true. Even for married-but-cheating folks, they shy away from an affair with someone in an open marriage in favor of someone who is also cheating. They want someone with as much to lose and, even when they say, not looking to change your life or mine, they at least like to think that AP is a possibility for a new relationship that will help them exit their marriage. Having an affair with a person where their spouse knows about it is a bit too much for a lot of people. I've been that partner who was good as a FWB, kinky partner, rebound partner until she took her BF back, all of it. About half were single women but all were fairly short-lived and on her terms. If you're a man in an open marriage, you are better off lying about it and saying you are cheating. I didn't and still did well, but it would have been easier.

Yeah. It's great to blow up two families/spouses/two sets of kids . That "mutual destruction' BS was started by the Ashley Madison ppl. The implosion it causes is nuclear.

You don't really get it. Married people take a huge risk, obviously, of being discovered and no one wants to have it blow up on them. It's not enough to practice stealth and know how be be discreet. You have to trust that the other person, who has just as much to lose, will protect your privacy and not be careless with your information. The problem with open-marriage types is they don't have to worry about being caught by their spouse so they are less inclined to do the things that cheating married people go through to not get caught.

People in affairs tend to shy away from the open-marriage types where it's really a triangle because the spouse knows about you also. It's also weird for them to think that some guy's wife knows he is in her bed tonight. She would rather be deceiving her affair partner's spouse, the same as she is deceiving her own spouse where only the two cheaters are party to the crime. If your marriage is truly open and your shopping on AM it's best not to say so. Unless you're a woman of course. Most cheating men don't care as long as she's willing to have sex. Woman care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t heard of an open marriage like one you’re describing work. I have heard of many working when there is open communication, boundaries, and a big effort to sustain and nurture the marriage.

I’ve never heard of a sexless marriage like OPs work.

Your point?

(But as a counterpoint to whatever you’re trying to say: I have heard of it working)

+1, I know several people in this exact marriage who are doing well. Their marriages are about the kids, companionship, shared financial goals, maybe some shared hobbies. Even when one partner would like to be having some sex, it can work, as long as that other stuff is a much higher priority to them. Sure, you could leave the marriage and have a lot more sex. But if it would mean losing your co-parent, best friend, person who knows you better than anyone, and sacrificing your finances... it's not worth it.

For some reason it is taboo in our culture to admit that sex is not your main priority in a long-term relationship. But for a lot of people it isn't. This is consider a tragedy but to me the real tragedy is someone who would break up a family and 10+ year marriage, and jeopardize their retirement and financial security (as well as that of their kids) just for sex. That's crazy to me, and I like sex. I might not be in a sexless marriage, but my sex life doesn't crack the top 5 of the reasons I value my marriage at this point. It's a nice bonus but very far from the reason I'm here.

I don't get why the no-libido spouse in that situation (i.e., not based on unhappiness in the marriage) would also be against letting the higher-libido spouse have sex outside of the marriage. Seems like pure selfishness to me.

[Anonymous]

"+1, I know several people in this exact marriage who are doing well. Their marriages are about the kids, companionship, shared financial goals, maybe some shared hobbies. Even when one partner would like to be having some sex, it can work, as long as that other stuff is a much higher priority to them. Sure, you could leave the marriage and have a lot more sex. But if it would mean losing your co-parent, best friend, person who knows you better than anyone, and sacrificing your finances... it's not worth it."

I really don't understand how someone could be best friends in a marriage and be ok with their spouse having sex with other women or men. I just can't wrap my head around this. And how do you justify other people having affairs because they need sex but others just putting up with this? It makes no sense. I'm ok with you sleeping with others but not getting a new tennis partner? And why can't you be best friends and not in a marriage? Share finances? Shared hobbies? If you can have an open marriage for sex you can have open or shared anything.

[Anonymous]

Open Marriage in most cases seems like a good strategy to delay divorce but hardly one to to save a marriage over the long term. YMMV.