Anyone had success with an open marriage?

[Anonymous]

My DH and I are in a sexless marriage—by my choosing, not his. I am
Bi, but at this stage in life I have no sexual attraction to men whatsoever. I would be fine staying married and allowing DH to step out, as long as it didn’t totally hijack our life and I didn’t have to hear details. We coparent well and generally have a pretty pleasant relationship. But I cannot have sex with him again. I’d also be fine if he said he wanted a divorce because of this; it’s just the financial hit we and our kids will take if we split up in a crazy overheated real estate market in a high wealth community.

Anyone have experience with this as a solution? Especially with a DH who is fairly traditional
About monogamy stuff? For my part, I have zero interest in dating or sleeping with anyone—all I want to do is focus on my kids and job and friends. Advice welcomed!

[Anonymous]

Why ask for trouble if he hasn’t asked for it?

[Anonymous]

You are not going to get good advice from this board. You should talk to a professional -- a good one -- before you talk to your husband because something tells me you have some issues you need to work through. Talk to that therapist about a good way to approach your husband.

[Anonymous]

what does he want?

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine is in her 40s now. She's always been in open relationships since college. She's on husband #3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not going to get good advice from this board. You should talk to a professional -- a good one -- before you talk to your husband because something tells me you have some issues you need to work through. Talk to that therapist about a good way to approach your husband.

This. This board is very intolerant of ENM.

I'm in an open marriage that is currently successful but we have a sex life so not a lot of overlap with your situation.

[Anonymous]

OP, if this is a serious question, this is the wrong place to ask. I don't think the DCUM platform has many posters that will support this. I think you should look elsewhere for advice.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't sound like you want an open marriage -- you just want to tell your husband he can sleep with whoever he wants so long as he's discreet and non-disruptive. So, just tell him.

[Anonymous]

It's not clear to me whether you have told your DH what you have told us here -- that you feel zero attraction to him and that will never change. I assume he knows you're bi, right? Have you told him clearly that e sexless marriage is a choice you are making (one you are making for both of you, to be honest) so he's aware that it's not simply a matter of, you're off sex while the kids are young etc.? in other words, is he living with any hope that eventually you'll resume sex with him? I figure he knows all this and you've discussed it, but it's hard to tell for sure from the post.

I am NOT asking you to come back here and answer these questions for US, OP. I say that because sometimes posters here ask loads of intimate questions and demand the OP come back and answer them. That can feel pretty intrusive to me. I'm just asking you to consider these for yourself.

Does he know that, as you put it here, you are fine if he wants to divorce you, and your concern would be only financial? I think that if you have not told him that you would be OK with divorce, but are worried about money, you need to do so, out of honesty and to respect the relationship you once had, and let him decide if divorce is what he needs. The financial aspects will be a hit but can be dealt with. If he wants to remain married but have affairs on the side (call it ENM or whatever), well, he needs crystal clarity about what boundaries there are, if any.

You also will need to consider what you will do and feel if he decides ENM or open marriage etc. is what he wants, but then he falls in love with someone else and wants to divorce you. Ihat will create an even bigger financial hit, possibly, if he falls for a woman who also has children.

I note you say you coparent well and you get along, but that plus permission to get sex elsewhere may not be enough for him, or may seem like enough until he wants to partner with or marry another woman. It might be an easier break for everyone, especially your kids, to divorce now and deal with the financial issues involved, rather than have your kids deal with a divorce when they're older, more aware of things, and see what appears to be dad leaving you for another woman. Just something to think about. You mention that you're fine with him "stepping out" as long as it doesn't "hijack our life" but eventually it seems that it could do just that, if he decides he needs to be with one person in a real relationship that is about more than meeting his sexual needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if this is a serious question, this is the wrong place to ask. I don't think the DCUM platform has many posters that will support this. I think you should look elsewhere for advice.

funny, there have been threads repeatedly where many posters urge people to "open up the marriage," especially if it's a DH who is saying he's not getting enough sex from his DW.

[Anonymous]

Lots of swinging in Potomac, MD!

[Anonymous]

I think my wife feels this way about me

At this point, I'd rather her tell me the marriage is open and she really, really is ok with me having sex with someone else. I would take her up on the offer.

What do you have to lose?

[Anonymous]

I'm kind of in this situation. My spouse shifted from identifying as female and bisexual to male and straight. I'm also straight so sex doesn't work between the two of us, especially since he started taking testosterone. Our marriage is officially open, but he dates a fair bit and I mostly don't, by choice. I don't like being away from my family to date other people so I'm not that interested in pursuing it. I have done it, but I really missed the family time. I'm also more traditional/religious, which makes it harder.

I think this can work, but the relationship has to be strong enough to justify doing something that's challenging. For all the weirdness of what we're doing, he and I are still each other's primary people. We don't use the term soulmates, but it's like that; there's no one I'd rather be with. We still say I love you, sleep in the same bed, cuddle, etc. It's just the sex that's not there. If we didn't have all that, if we were just cordial roommates and co-parents, I don't think it would work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if this is a serious question, this is the wrong place to ask. I don't think the DCUM platform has many posters that will support this. I think you should look elsewhere for advice.

There are a few who will support it, but they're the same tired, pathetic incels constantly raging about "hall passes" who are drawn to these threads like moths to a flame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if this is a serious question, this is the wrong place to ask. I don't think the DCUM platform has many posters that will support this. I think you should look elsewhere for advice.

Yes, but where else can OP find people who are both in an open marriage AND in a "high wealth community"??? These are her people.