Anyone had success with an open marriage?

[Anonymous]

Good friend tried this. Her husband dated younger women (who probably saw him as a sugar daddy to some degree), and they saw what he had a wanted it for themselves. Eventually he left for a younger woman who wanted marriage and her own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good friend tried this. Her husband dated younger women (who probably saw him as a sugar daddy to some degree), and they saw what he had a wanted it for themselves. Eventually he left for a younger woman who wanted marriage and her own kids.

As a guy, I'll never understand the "second family" types. I get wanting some new relationship energy, so to speak. But who wants to go through babies/toddlers/etc. a second time? I would rather sleep with a 40+ woman with no interest in a second family than a 30 year old woman who wants one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good friend tried this. Her husband dated younger women (who probably saw him as a sugar daddy to some degree), and they saw what he had a wanted it for themselves. Eventually he left for a younger woman who wanted marriage and her own kids.

As a guy, I'll never understand the "second family" types. I get wanting some new relationship energy, so to speak. But who wants to go through babies/toddlers/etc. a second time? I would rather sleep with a 40+ woman with no interest in a second family than a 30 year old woman who wants one.

They fear death. Impregnating young women and having more kids is a smoke screen for them. Look at Alec Baldwin---what is he like on his 7th kid with Hilaria now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good friend tried this. Her husband dated younger women (who probably saw him as a sugar daddy to some degree), and they saw what he had a wanted it for themselves. Eventually he left for a younger woman who wanted marriage and her own kids.

As a guy, I'll never understand the "second family" types. I get wanting some new relationship energy, so to speak. But who wants to go through babies/toddlers/etc. a second time? I would rather sleep with a 40+ woman with no interest in a second family than a 30 year old woman who wants one.

Your personal preferences are noted. It's not that uncommon among wealthy men in their 40s and 50s who seem to have their head on straight, so it must not be that bad to start all over with a young, pretty wife and try parenting again once you have a lot more time and money to possibly do it better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be better for him to divorce you as his prospective partners are going to be very wary and skeptical of his claims that his marriage is open. Better to be divorced if he hopes to get his genitals wet again some day.

half the dmv is in an open/enm relationship...even us wary folks have gotten used to it...

Not true. You wish it were true (despite your "wary" comment) but it's not.

So tired of people on DCUM opining as if they had magical, intimate knowledge about what "half the DMV" is doing in their bedrooms. You have no way to know. And coming back to claim you know X couples who are in open relationships doesn't count. Your personal experience is not a universal experience. And people lie about things like this, to seem trendy.

I think if they say it enough, they think it will mean it's true. I'm sure if you hang out at swinger's clubs and open websites, you get the impression that everyone is doing it. Not happening in the majority of households.

OPM have some of the highest divorce rates. IT is often a last ditch effort to try and prevent divorce. Someone always eventually gets feelings for someone outside of the marriage and then it's toast.

It's a skanky, trash way of life. The kids are going to be messed up. Any kid middle school or older will definitely be aware of what is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I offered this to my DH i know he wouldn't take it. He wouldn't hook up with someone for sex. He would need to be in a relationship or on a path to a longer term relationship (not a FWB relationship) before he would consider being intimate with someone.

Don't assume all men would jump at this chance.

Don’t assume he can’t change. You eould be surprised at what men are capable of?

I understand that and know everyone is different. I also know that my DH will not just "settle" for the physical act of sex. He needs an understanding, communication, intensity level, trust level that builds and is nurtured over time.

He sounds like me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband might decide all of his open relationships will take place in Thailand. It's easy to have sex with lots of different women there.

What? He is going to abandon his children and move to Thailand to have sex more easily?

No, he'll just go there for vacation 2-3 times a year.

[Anonymous]

Since you are rejecting sex with him, I assume he is already going elsewhere to meet his normal male needs for sex. That’s what all men in sexless marriages do. Make life easier on both of you and give him an official hall pass, so he can stop sneaking around and pretending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since you are rejecting sex with him, I assume he is already going elsewhere to meet his normal male needs for sex. That’s what all men in sexless marriages do. Make life easier on both of you and give him an official hall pass, so he can stop sneaking around and pretending.

I’m in a sexless marriage. I look at porn. I can’t even fathom how to find an affair partner if I wanted one.

[Anonymous]

If you are bi are you also looking to date or have a relationship outside your marriage? I wonder if you both were able to be intimate with others it might clarify your bond? It maybe find someone you both can date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if this is a serious question, this is the wrong place to ask. I don't think the DCUM platform has many posters that will support this. I think you should look elsewhere for advice.

I agree with this. Most people here will act appalled but I can guarantee there ar least 1/4 of the same posters are doing shady things behind closed doors.


But I do know a few people who are in open relationships. They are still together. Not my cup of tea, but the key is to have honest communication with each other and it can work. No going behind the others back.

[Anonymous]

Op, you should head over to Reddit for people with actual experience in this area. Such as r/polyamory or r/swingers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if this is a serious question, this is the wrong place to ask. I don't think the DCUM platform has many posters that will support this. I think you should look elsewhere for advice.

I agree with this. Most people here will act appalled but I can guarantee there ar least 1/4 of the same posters are doing shady things behind closed doors.


But I do know a few people who are in open relationships. They are still together. Not my cup of tea, but the key is to have honest communication with each other and it can work. No going behind the others back.

Everyone keeps saying this but there have actually only been a few posts "appalled" at the idea.

I would be surprised if anyone over the age of 40 doesn't know at least one couple in an open marriage at this point. But as someone who has known several open marriages, the failure rate is pretty high. I know people will say "but but 50% of all marriages fail." Yes, statistically. Not among people I know, who are mostly college educated, married after age 30, and financially stable. I only know a handful of divorces. And I'm late 40s, so I'm through the "starter marriage" divorces (<5 years, no kids), and the "kids killed us" divorces (2 or more kids, intimacy died plus conflict over money/parenting ramped up). I know there's at least one more round of "empty nest" divorces that I haven't gotten to yet, but it's still pretty remarkable how many marriages I know that seem to be cruising pretty well through middle age.

Among the open marriages I know, only one has survived. They have kids and seem really solid. I also think one of them might have a personality disorder. The other open marriages I know either closed back up after a few years, or ended. In two of the cases where it ended, one of the partners wound up with a person they met while dating in their open marriage.

I don't know, not an amazing advertisement. I get why it makes sense in theory, but I think in execution, very few marriages (or people) are built for it.

Anyway, not appalled at all -- I think it's worth giving it a shot if divorce is the alternative. But OP is asking about "success" in open marriages and I think that's hard to find honestly. Unless success means "discovering we want to be with other people" or "getting a break from monogamy before recommitting". But I don't see a ton of long term open marriages with kids that are stable and loving and go the distance, which is what I think OP wants. I think that's a unicorn.

[Anonymous]

^^^ The “low success rate” of an open marriage is actually waaay higher than their status quo of sexless (which has a 100% failure rate).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if this is a serious question, this is the wrong place to ask. I don't think the DCUM platform has many posters that will support this. I think you should look elsewhere for advice.

I agree with this. Most people here will act appalled but I can guarantee there ar least 1/4 of the same posters are doing shady things behind closed doors.


But I do know a few people who are in open relationships. They are still together. Not my cup of tea, but the key is to have honest communication with each other and it can work. No going behind the others back.

Everyone keeps saying this but there have actually only been a few posts "appalled" at the idea.

I would be surprised if anyone over the age of 40 doesn't know at least one couple in an open marriage at this point. But as someone who has known several open marriages, the failure rate is pretty high. I know people will say "but but 50% of all marriages fail." Yes, statistically. Not among people I know, who are mostly college educated, married after age 30, and financially stable. I only know a handful of divorces. And I'm late 40s, so I'm through the "starter marriage" divorces (<5 years, no kids), and the "kids killed us" divorces (2 or more kids, intimacy died plus conflict over money/parenting ramped up). I know there's at least one more round of "empty nest" divorces that I haven't gotten to yet, but it's still pretty remarkable how many marriages I know that seem to be cruising pretty well through middle age.

Among the open marriages I know, only one has survived. They have kids and seem really solid. I also think one of them might have a personality disorder. The other open marriages I know either closed back up after a few years, or ended. In two of the cases where it ended, one of the partners wound up with a person they met while dating in their open marriage.

I don't know, not an amazing advertisement. I get why it makes sense in theory, but I think in execution, very few marriages (or people) are built for it.

Anyway, not appalled at all -- I think it's worth giving it a shot if divorce is the alternative. But OP is asking about "success" in open marriages and I think that's hard to find honestly. Unless success means "discovering we want to be with other people" or "getting a break from monogamy before recommitting". But I don't see a ton of long term open marriages with kids that are stable and loving and go the distance, which is what I think OP wants. I think that's a unicorn.

I could have written exactly what you did. Same view point.

And yet, of the couples I know that are still together, which is most of them, many have infidelity, some known and often not. While it's not ethical, it seems like sneaking around somehow has a higher success rate at keeping the marriage together Perhaps don't ask don't tell would work for OP