Anyone had success with an open marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"+1, I know several people in this exact marriage who are doing well. Their marriages are about the kids, companionship, shared financial goals, maybe some shared hobbies. Even when one partner would like to be having some sex, it can work, as long as that other stuff is a much higher priority to them. Sure, you could leave the marriage and have a lot more sex. But if it would mean losing your co-parent, best friend, person who knows you better than anyone, and sacrificing your finances... it's not worth it."

I really don't understand how someone could be best friends in a marriage and be ok with their spouse having sex with other women or men. I just can't wrap my head around this. And how do you justify other people having affairs because they need sex but others just putting up with this? It makes no sense. I'm ok with you sleeping with others but not getting a new tennis partner? And why can't you be best friends and not in a marriage? Share finances? Shared hobbies? If you can have an open marriage for sex you can have open or shared anything.

Do you care who your friends have sex with? Do you get jealous? If not, then I think you can understand. I don't know why someone with no sex drive would care who their partner is sleeping with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"+1, I know several people in this exact marriage who are doing well. Their marriages are about the kids, companionship, shared financial goals, maybe some shared hobbies. Even when one partner would like to be having some sex, it can work, as long as that other stuff is a much higher priority to them. Sure, you could leave the marriage and have a lot more sex. But if it would mean losing your co-parent, best friend, person who knows you better than anyone, and sacrificing your finances... it's not worth it."

I really don't understand how someone could be best friends in a marriage and be ok with their spouse having sex with other women or men. I just can't wrap my head around this. And how do you justify other people having affairs because they need sex but others just putting up with this? It makes no sense. I'm ok with you sleeping with others but not getting a new tennis partner? And why can't you be best friends and not in a marriage? Share finances? Shared hobbies? If you can have an open marriage for sex you can have open or shared anything.

I am going on 3 years in a sexless marriage and it makes sense to me. You stop seeing your spouse as a sexual partner and more as a platonic friend and teammate raising kids together. The thought of my spouse having sex with someone else seems as strange as my friend doing it. I might even be like "good for you!" if it happened.

The primary way your friend is separated from your boyfriend or spouse is the sex. Without that, you are friends. Close friends, perhaps but just friends.

None of this makes sense to people in sexual marriages. Until you are in a sexless marriage, you have no clue how much it erodes your soul and your sense of attachment to your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"+1, I know several people in this exact marriage who are doing well. Their marriages are about the kids, companionship, shared financial goals, maybe some shared hobbies. Even when one partner would like to be having some sex, it can work, as long as that other stuff is a much higher priority to them. Sure, you could leave the marriage and have a lot more sex. But if it would mean losing your co-parent, best friend, person who knows you better than anyone, and sacrificing your finances... it's not worth it."

I really don't understand how someone could be best friends in a marriage and be ok with their spouse having sex with other women or men. I just can't wrap my head around this. And how do you justify other people having affairs because they need sex but others just putting up with this? It makes no sense. I'm ok with you sleeping with others but not getting a new tennis partner? And why can't you be best friends and not in a marriage? Share finances? Shared hobbies? If you can have an open marriage for sex you can have open or shared anything.

Do you care who your friends have sex with? Do you get jealous? If not, then I think you can understand. I don't know why someone with no sex drive would care who their partner is sleeping with.

You beat me to it.

And I don't think people in sexless marriages really care, or care that much. The people shouting EVIL CHEATERS on here all preface their story with tales of sexual passion and being blindsided by it. I have yet to see someone either sad or blindsided by a cheating spouse in a sexless marriage.

Also remember, the opposite of love is indifference. Many sexless marriages are not hostile, they are more indifferent. That's why they are still together. If the marriage were hostile and sexless, people would divorce.

[Anonymous]

This was me until I sorted out in intensive therapy that I was and always have been physically and emotionally attracted to women, but didn’t want to admit it, so attempted to have a traditional life w/DH and our kids. I was miserable. And couldn’t see myself living a hetero life for the rest of my life. Luckily, we had an incredible marriage counselor who helped us sort out all of the feelings and devise a co-parenting plan that has been wonderful for everyone. We center the kids in everything we do — still lots of family outings and we vacation together sometimes, too. But I’m now out and gay and happy. Best of luck. Been there. It’s a rough road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"+1, I know several people in this exact marriage who are doing well. Their marriages are about the kids, companionship, shared financial goals, maybe some shared hobbies. Even when one partner would like to be having some sex, it can work, as long as that other stuff is a much higher priority to them. Sure, you could leave the marriage and have a lot more sex. But if it would mean losing your co-parent, best friend, person who knows you better than anyone, and sacrificing your finances... it's not worth it."

I really don't understand how someone could be best friends in a marriage and be ok with their spouse having sex with other women or men. I just can't wrap my head around this. And how do you justify other people having affairs because they need sex but others just putting up with this? It makes no sense. I'm ok with you sleeping with others but not getting a new tennis partner? And why can't you be best friends and not in a marriage? Share finances? Shared hobbies? If you can have an open marriage for sex you can have open or shared anything.

I am going on 3 years in a sexless marriage and it makes sense to me. You stop seeing your spouse as a sexual partner and more as a platonic friend and teammate raising kids together. The thought of my spouse having sex with someone else seems as strange as my friend doing it. I might even be like "good for you!" if it happened.

The primary way your friend is separated from your boyfriend or spouse is the sex. Without that, you are friends. Close friends, perhaps but just friends.

None of this makes sense to people in sexual marriages. Until you are in a sexless marriage, you have no clue how much it erodes your soul and your sense of attachment to your spouse.

So then what is the need for the paper? And sexless is different than someone in a relationship with someone else. I mean why can't you just be divorced and best friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was me until I sorted out in intensive therapy that I was and always have been physically and emotionally attracted to women, but didn’t want to admit it, so attempted to have a traditional life w/DH and our kids. I was miserable. And couldn’t see myself living a hetero life for the rest of my life. Luckily, we had an incredible marriage counselor who helped us sort out all of the feelings and devise a co-parenting plan that has been wonderful for everyone. We center the kids in everything we do — still lots of family outings and we vacation together sometimes, too. But I’m now out and gay and happy. Best of luck. Been there. It’s a rough road.

But would you prefer to be divorced or in an open marriage? Why would an open marriage be more desirable to either of you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was me until I sorted out in intensive therapy that I was and always have been physically and emotionally attracted to women, but didn’t want to admit it, so attempted to have a traditional life w/DH and our kids. I was miserable. And couldn’t see myself living a hetero life for the rest of my life. Luckily, we had an incredible marriage counselor who helped us sort out all of the feelings and devise a co-parenting plan that has been wonderful for everyone. We center the kids in everything we do — still lots of family outings and we vacation together sometimes, too. But I’m now out and gay and happy. Best of luck. Been there. It’s a rough road.

But would you prefer to be divorced or in an open marriage? Why would an open marriage be more desirable to either of you?

NP - but two parents in the same house. Better for the kids, better for finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was me until I sorted out in intensive therapy that I was and always have been physically and emotionally attracted to women, but didn’t want to admit it, so attempted to have a traditional life w/DH and our kids. I was miserable. And couldn’t see myself living a hetero life for the rest of my life. Luckily, we had an incredible marriage counselor who helped us sort out all of the feelings and devise a co-parenting plan that has been wonderful for everyone. We center the kids in everything we do — still lots of family outings and we vacation together sometimes, too. But I’m now out and gay and happy. Best of luck. Been there. It’s a rough road.

But would you prefer to be divorced or in an open marriage? Why would an open marriage be more desirable to either of you?

We are divorced. My point was that I started where OP is — trying to figure out ways to maintain my current life w/out blowing it up too much. But it took a lot of personal work to get to the point that I accepted who I am. It wasn’t until then that it was clear a divorce was necessary (for us) and that an alternative arrangement wouldn’t work/wasn’t the answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"+1, I know several people in this exact marriage who are doing well. Their marriages are about the kids, companionship, shared financial goals, maybe some shared hobbies. Even when one partner would like to be having some sex, it can work, as long as that other stuff is a much higher priority to them. Sure, you could leave the marriage and have a lot more sex. But if it would mean losing your co-parent, best friend, person who knows you better than anyone, and sacrificing your finances... it's not worth it."

I really don't understand how someone could be best friends in a marriage and be ok with their spouse having sex with other women or men. I just can't wrap my head around this. And how do you justify other people having affairs because they need sex but others just putting up with this? It makes no sense. I'm ok with you sleeping with others but not getting a new tennis partner? And why can't you be best friends and not in a marriage? Share finances? Shared hobbies? If you can have an open marriage for sex you can have open or shared anything.

I am going on 3 years in a sexless marriage and it makes sense to me. You stop seeing your spouse as a sexual partner and more as a platonic friend and teammate raising kids together. The thought of my spouse having sex with someone else seems as strange as my friend doing it. I might even be like "good for you!" if it happened.

The primary way your friend is separated from your boyfriend or spouse is the sex. Without that, you are friends. Close friends, perhaps but just friends.

None of this makes sense to people in sexual marriages. Until you are in a sexless marriage, you have no clue how much it erodes your soul and your sense of attachment to your spouse.

So then what is the need for the paper? And sexless is different than someone in a relationship with someone else. I mean why can't you just be divorced and best friends?

Kids are 12 and 15. I'd rather be in the house with them. If in a few years or a few weeks the cost benefit feels otherwise, I can always leave. I assume this is what drives empty nest divorces.