AITA for thinking bride is heinous?

[Anonymous]

She'd have to find a new bridesmaid and reimburse me fully for the first dress!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Buy the second dress and then give her the first dress as a wedding gift.

This is it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to derail this thread, but I find this whole "bridesmaids paying for every thing" for American weddings very cheap and low class.

We are immigrants. When my DD got married, her BFF hosted the bridal shower at our house, but we paid for everything because we felt that the BFF did not have to spend money on top of planning everything. We also paid for the travel costs, room and meals for their bachelorette party. DD was adamant that there would be no gifts. The fact that these girls coordinated their schedules, took time off from work and came together to celebrate my DD for a weekend was already too much of an ask.

For the wedding, I paid for the dresses for the bridal party, hair, makeup, meals, room, transportation. It is ridiculous to have a bridal party and expect everyone to spring for a dress that they would normally would not buy. I think that the tradition of having a bridal party should be simplified. Let everyone wear what they want to wear or pay for their matching outfits.

I’m OP and I do understand what you mean. Your approach is probably better for modern times. I think the traditional idea was that the girls in your bridal party are supposed to be your absolute best friends and so close to you that they’re happy to foot the bill for various things. In return, you’ll foot the bill when it’s their turn so it all comes out even. I’ve never minded covering my bridesmaids costs but I’ve also never dealt with a bridezilla until now.

The expenses associated with being a bridesmaid didn't used to be so high. The idea that everyone needs professional hair and makeup, multiple pre-wedding parties that all require travel, etc., are what's new. I paid my bridal party's expenses, because it seemed obvious that the alternative was wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just want to know why there are multiple bridesmaids in a 30 person wedding.

Because brides have been sold on the idea that on "their day" they need a royal retinue (along with all the other expensive things that they make other people pay for).

[Anonymous]

It's not the money it's the principal. I would decline to be in her wedding and state the exact reason why and offer to sale my dress to the delinquent bridesmaid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would offer to drop out of the party and give the dress (the one you already bought) to the bridesmaid who didn’t order in time. That way nobody has to buy a second dress. You can sell it as a sacrifice on your part to save the rest of the party (we all know she won’t buy it and she’ll cut you off, but that was going to happen immediately after the wedding anyway). To everyone else, you look like the bigger person.

This is an amazing idea. But what if the other bridesmaid isn’t the same size? Looking at pics, we don’t have the same body type at all. More ideas for how I can get bridezilla to fire me would be very welcome.

JFC, OP. Don't be so passive aggressive. Your relationship with this person is over, whatever happens. You have already said that you expect her to drop you after the wedding. Moreover, do you really think that if you maneuver her into firing you things will be just fine afterwards?

She sounds terrible, but you, frankly, aren't much better. You sound like a pathetic, shallow, spineless shell of a person. Grow up.

NP. You, PP, are the problematic one. OP has explained her reasoning and there is zero need to hurl insults at her like in this post above.

Telling OP to grow up, when your "advice" is just to insult her, is the least grown-up thing on this thread.

OP, there are people like this one on DCUM. They exist just to tell every OP that they're wrong, no matter what the OP is actually asking. Ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to derail this thread, but I find this whole "bridesmaids paying for every thing" for American weddings very cheap and low class.

We are immigrants. When my DD got married, her BFF hosted the bridal shower at our house, but we paid for everything because we felt that the BFF did not have to spend money on top of planning everything. We also paid for the travel costs, room and meals for their bachelorette party. DD was adamant that there would be no gifts. The fact that these girls coordinated their schedules, took time off from work and came together to celebrate my DD for a weekend was already too much of an ask.

For the wedding, I paid for the dresses for the bridal party, hair, makeup, meals, room, transportation. It is ridiculous to have a bridal party and expect everyone to spring for a dress that they would normally would not buy. I think that the tradition of having a bridal party should be simplified. Let everyone wear what they want to wear or pay for their matching outfits.

I remember when I was first a bridesmaid. I was a broke college student without parental support, and only found out I was paying for my dress when we went to the checkout counter. That went on a credit card that I ended up delinquent on. Such a weird tradition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:AITA.

I’m a very reluctant maid of honor to a cousin. I tried to beg out because she has a mean streak, but she kept pressing. Wedding planning has only made her worse. The current problem is bridesmaids dresses.

She picked a rare color from a store that was shipping several months out and demanded we all pay $75 extra for rush. I did. Total came to just under $300. As it turned out, one of the bridesmaids ignored all of her texts and calls, and didn’t get around to ordering the dress until recently. Even with rush shipping, her dress won’t arrive in time. My cousin’s fix was to tell the rest of us to buy new dresses from a new store that ships quickly.

How she went about it was…well, she group texted us instructions for the new dresses and then told us to call her “if there’s a problem.” That was it. She didn’t say anything about the dresses we had already bought. I called her to ask if she planned for us to wear both dresses (i.e., change outfits halfway through). She bit my head off, saying she couldn’t deal with questions, I just need to follow instructions and asking if I was that hard up for money. Her reaction was so mean and over the top that I held back as she spoke. I wanted to hear everything she had to say. We hung up with me calmly saying “I guess I’ll buy the second dress???” She said “Good” and hasn’t called me since.

Turns out the first store she chose offers only exchanges and they’ll keep half the cost of the dress. I kinda don’t want to be in the wedding anymore. I just feel bruised and insulted. If I had had to ask bridesmaids to get new dresses, I’d be so apologetic. I’d at least offer to cover the difference. Naturally, if she had offered to pay, I’d have turned down the money immediately. It’s not the ask or the money. It’s the how. Feelings matter.

Any advice on how to move forward here? Should I get over it? Maybe I should try to get her to fire me as MOH? I’d like us to keep in touch as family and see each other maybe annually. Zero pressure to attend her wedding because hardly anyone likes her. That makes me feel a little bad for her though.

If I decided to stay as her MOH, I would wear the first dress. But, then, I might test positive for Covid the day before the wedding and need to quarantine for ten days.

When I got married I did not have attendants dress alike. I had a closet full of hideous pastel bridesmaid dresses and I was not going to do this to my friends so I told them the color, royal blue, and gave them each $100 to put toward price of dress and wanted them to get a dress they could wear again. Shoes were black patent. My only request was that the dresses be in similar style. It worked out very well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Resign. I can't believe this is a question. Have a backbone.

Normally, I have an iron backbone but because I know she’s going to make the stakes “MOH and do everything I say OR back to estrangment” I’ve been trying to be patient with her. The kind of person who uses estrangement to control relationships probably isn’t worth having around TBF. I think I’m putting too much emphasis on her being family.

You definitely are do you even like her? She sounds like a horrible person.

I‘m a lot older than she is and I think I still have a soft spot for the kid she was. We spent a lot of time together as kids. I don’t like very much of the adult she’s become, but she had me going for a while there with talk about how she’s been in therapy and wants us to have a new, different, healthy relationship. She hasn’t been able to hold the act together and the old/real her is slipping out more and more.

OP, new poster here. I get it. I think you were trying to do your best, tried to keep her expectations for you low and controlled, and then you got sucked in, and put so much stock in the family relationship you got mired in her mess. It happens but it's not irreversible.

I read your various update posts. Don't wait for her to "fire" you! Bow out ASAP so she can find another MOH. "I noticed you mentioned in the group text 'when' the bachelorette party would be. Remember, I said clearly that I won't be planning one, so unless you know for sure that one of the bridesmaids is planning one, there is NO party in progress. I need you to understand that, so there is no confusion. In fact, I am going to ask Dress-less Bridesmaid if she would like to take the dress I've already purchased and have it altered to fit her, so your wedding party will match, and I am going to bow out as maid of honor. I hope you'll still want me to attend as a guest, but if not, I understand. I don't have a second dress in my budget for this, and as I told you months ago, I don't have time or bandwidth to plan a bachelorette party, and both seem to be extremely important to you. I hope the bridesmaids can meet the expectations and that the wedding goes well. (If she gets upset, you add When you first talked to me about this, you said you were working on having a new, different, healthy relationship. I would embrace that, but the wedding demands being made do not indicate a healthy relationship. So I'm stepping back. I really do wish you well." (Because you do, right? It's sad that she's being so awful but let's hope she chills out after this oh so intense wedding mania.)

OP, do you have to see her throughout the year? If not, I would not sweat her anger. But as an early PP noted, maybe give your folks a clear heads-up so they can be aware, if cousin's parents hear nasty things about you from cousin. If she trash talks you to other family members, is that an issue for you? Just saying that you should be ready to hear that she's badmouthing you for a long time to come.

Also in my own shoes if I were close to cousin's parents I would suck up a lot more than if I were not close to them. Is that a factor for you? I would not necessarily let that make me stay--no one should tolerate her behavior. But it would influence me at least to give a clear heads-up to my parents and to hers if we were close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest to the bride and the other bridesmaids in the group chat that we all keep our original dresses and the one without a dress can buy one that coordinates with your dresses. The one with the different dress can be called MOH. Say upfront that it is a matter of cost. I am sure the other bridesmaids are thinking the same thing. Do it quickly before anyone else buys the new dress. In a group chat, I would think the bride is less likely to bully all of you at once lest she is left with no bridal party at all.

I’m going to go with a combo of what you and PP have suggested. I’m giving my dress to the bridesmaid who didn’t buy hers and humbly stepping down from the wedding party to make everything easier on everyone. I think you all have come up with the most gracious approach that doesn’t require a confrontation. Thank you!!

I'm not sure if there is a term for ultra pathetic, OP, but if there is, your picture should be next to it in the dictionary.

I’m sure my cousin would agree with you. People like you and her aren’t for me. Confrontation and aggression stress me TF out.

I am so with you, OP. I do not have the room in my brain to deal with people like your cousin or the PP. Life is hard enough without volunteering to spend time with a-holes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AITA.

I’m a very reluctant maid of honor to a cousin. I tried to beg out because she has a mean streak, but she kept pressing. Wedding planning has only made her worse. The current problem is bridesmaids dresses.

She picked a rare color from a store that was shipping several months out and demanded we all pay $75 extra for rush. I did. Total came to just under $300. As it turned out, one of the bridesmaids ignored all of her texts and calls, and didn’t get around to ordering the dress until recently. Even with rush shipping, her dress won’t arrive in time. My cousin’s fix was to tell the rest of us to buy new dresses from a new store that ships quickly.

How she went about it was…well, she group texted us instructions for the new dresses and then told us to call her “if there’s a problem.” That was it. She didn’t say anything about the dresses we had already bought. I called her to ask if she planned for us to wear both dresses (i.e., change outfits halfway through). She bit my head off, saying she couldn’t deal with questions, I just need to follow instructions and asking if I was that hard up for money. Her reaction was so mean and over the top that I held back as she spoke. I wanted to hear everything she had to say. We hung up with me calmly saying “I guess I’ll buy the second dress???” She said “Good” and hasn’t called me since.

Turns out the first store she chose offers only exchanges and they’ll keep half the cost of the dress. I kinda don’t want to be in the wedding anymore. I just feel bruised and insulted. If I had had to ask bridesmaids to get new dresses, I’d be so apologetic. I’d at least offer to cover the difference. Naturally, if she had offered to pay, I’d have turned down the money immediately. It’s not the ask or the money. It’s the how. Feelings matter.

Any advice on how to move forward here? Should I get over it? Maybe I should try to get her to fire me as MOH? I’d like us to keep in touch as family and see each other maybe annually. Zero pressure to attend her wedding because hardly anyone likes her. That makes me feel a little bad for her though.

If I decided to stay as her MOH, I would wear the first dress. But, then, I might test positive for Covid the day before the wedding and need to quarantine for ten days.

When I got married I did not have attendants dress alike. I had a closet full of hideous pastel bridesmaid dresses and I was not going to do this to my friends so I told them the color, royal blue, and gave them each $100 to put toward price of dress and wanted them to get a dress they could wear again. Shoes were black patent. My only request was that the dresses be in similar style. It worked out very well.

Good for you! Bet your friends love you for being so sensible, PP! I only had one attendant, my maid of honor, and I told her to pick any dress she wanted as long as it was any shade of purple or lavender, and to make it something she would use a lot afterward. She picked a simple and lovely purple linen knee-length dress she could wear for work. I did not see it until we were getting dressed at the church an hour before the wedding. SO much less stress than dictating a specific dress for a whole cadre of attendants!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you both are the A-hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can afford both dresses suck it up and roll with it. I’d be irritated too but you already committed and she has lots going on. She’s the AH you’re the bigger person

Eff being the “bigger person.” No one deserves to be treated that way. Sometimes you gotta draw the line.
Back out OP. Let her clean up the mess she created.

This.
I'd peace out. You are not an ATM for her wedding. And you certainly should not be yelled at or insulted. Eff that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would offer to drop out of the party and give the dress (the one you already bought) to the bridesmaid who didn’t order in time. That way nobody has to buy a second dress. You can sell it as a sacrifice on your part to save the rest of the party (we all know she won’t buy it and she’ll cut you off, but that was going to happen immediately after the wedding anyway). To everyone else, you look like the bigger person.

This is an amazing idea. But what if the other bridesmaid isn’t the same size? Looking at pics, we don’t have the same body type at all. More ideas for how I can get bridezilla to fire me would be very welcome.

JFC, OP. Don't be so passive aggressive. Your relationship with this person is over, whatever happens. You have already said that you expect her to drop you after the wedding. Moreover, do you really think that if you maneuver her into firing you things will be just fine afterwards?

She sounds terrible, but you, frankly, aren't much better. You sound like a pathetic, shallow, spineless shell of a person. Grow up.

NP. You, PP, are the problematic one. OP has explained her reasoning and there is zero need to hurl insults at her like in this post above.

Telling OP to grow up, when your "advice" is just to insult her, is the least grown-up thing on this thread.

OP, there are people like this one on DCUM. They exist just to tell every OP that they're wrong, no matter what the OP is actually asking. Ignore.

Thank you, PP. Fortunately dealing with my cousin has prepared me for people like the other PP. Some people just walk around wound tight and seeking to pour rage all over others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Resign. I can't believe this is a question. Have a backbone.

Normally, I have an iron backbone but because I know she’s going to make the stakes “MOH and do everything I say OR back to estrangment” I’ve been trying to be patient with her. The kind of person who uses estrangement to control relationships probably isn’t worth having around TBF. I think I’m putting too much emphasis on her being family.

You definitely are do you even like her? She sounds like a horrible person.

I‘m a lot older than she is and I think I still have a soft spot for the kid she was. We spent a lot of time together as kids. I don’t like very much of the adult she’s become, but she had me going for a while there with talk about how she’s been in therapy and wants us to have a new, different, healthy relationship. She hasn’t been able to hold the act together and the old/real her is slipping out more and more.

OP, new poster here. I get it. I think you were trying to do your best, tried to keep her expectations for you low and controlled, and then you got sucked in, and put so much stock in the family relationship you got mired in her mess. It happens but it's not irreversible.

I read your various update posts. Don't wait for her to "fire" you! Bow out ASAP so she can find another MOH. "I noticed you mentioned in the group text 'when' the bachelorette party would be. Remember, I said clearly that I won't be planning one, so unless you know for sure that one of the bridesmaids is planning one, there is NO party in progress. I need you to understand that, so there is no confusion. In fact, I am going to ask Dress-less Bridesmaid if she would like to take the dress I've already purchased and have it altered to fit her, so your wedding party will match, and I am going to bow out as maid of honor. I hope you'll still want me to attend as a guest, but if not, I understand. I don't have a second dress in my budget for this, and as I told you months ago, I don't have time or bandwidth to plan a bachelorette party, and both seem to be extremely important to you. I hope the bridesmaids can meet the expectations and that the wedding goes well. (If she gets upset, you add When you first talked to me about this, you said you were working on having a new, different, healthy relationship. I would embrace that, but the wedding demands being made do not indicate a healthy relationship. So I'm stepping back. I really do wish you well." (Because you do, right? It's sad that she's being so awful but let's hope she chills out after this oh so intense wedding mania.)

OP, do you have to see her throughout the year? If not, I would not sweat her anger. But as an early PP noted, maybe give your folks a clear heads-up so they can be aware, if cousin's parents hear nasty things about you from cousin. If she trash talks you to other family members, is that an issue for you? Just saying that you should be ready to hear that she's badmouthing you for a long time to come.

Also in my own shoes if I were close to cousin's parents I would suck up a lot more than if I were not close to them. Is that a factor for you? I would not necessarily let that make me stay--no one should tolerate her behavior. But it would influence me at least to give a clear heads-up to my parents and to hers if we were close.

Thank you, PP. I never need to see her because we have literally no one in common. She doesn’t talk to a single soul in our family and we have no friends or acquaintances in common. I hope it doesn’t come to full estrangement, but ball’s in her court on that. I can’t maintain a relationship by myself.