spouse eats lunch out every day; I get leftovers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think people understand what it's like to be a trailing spouse. I can't make friends. I work. Full time. I am at my computer from 7:30 in the morning until 5:30 at night. Everyone said I'd meet people when the kids started school, but that's dumb and hasn't happened - I drop them off, pick them up, and in four years, have never exchanged more than brief pleasantries with another parent. I have tried volunteering, but when you're generally solely responsible for childcare, that doesn't work out.

He knows I'm lonely. It's been like this the entire time we've been married. Not his fault. Mine. I thought I could handle the isolation (I'm an introvert!) but no one is ever really ready for something like this.

I get why he doesn't want to "socialize" with me - I have no life. Nothing to talk about. Conversation with me sucks ,as much as I try to be interesting, what kind of woman who sits at home all day have anything interesting to talk to about?

And yes, I also resent having to cook dinner every night.

Yikes. You sound like you are in a bad place. I'm really sorry. It doesn't sound like your husband is taking your needs into consideration at all- it seems like he is treating you like a Mommy Machine who does all the stuff he doesn't want to do. And then lemme guess he can sideline your feelings all day but then expect you to be DTF as soon as the kids are asleep.

You are definitely showing signs of Depression so talk to a medical professional/therapist. Couple's Counselling is probably a good idea too.

And people on the thread who are blaming her- do you really not care about how your spouse feels at all? Luckily my DH was supportive when I was in the depths of Clinny D and not like you shower of shites.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think people understand what it's like to be a trailing spouse. I can't make friends. I work. Full time. I am at my computer from 7:30 in the morning until 5:30 at night. Everyone said I'd meet people when the kids started school, but that's dumb and hasn't happened - I drop them off, pick them up, and in four years, have never exchanged more than brief pleasantries with another parent. I have tried volunteering, but when you're generally solely responsible for childcare, that doesn't work out.

He knows I'm lonely. It's been like this the entire time we've been married. Not his fault. Mine. I thought I could handle the isolation (I'm an introvert!) but no one is ever really ready for something like this.

I get why he doesn't want to "socialize" with me - I have no life. Nothing to talk about. Conversation with me sucks ,as much as I try to be interesting, what kind of woman who sits at home all day have anything interesting to talk to about?

And yes, I also resent having to cook dinner every night.

I’m the PP who said to stop cooking and also, don’t worry about not being interesting. Be *interested*. “Interesting or interested” is the rule.

A lot of people say Stay at home moms are no fun to socialize with because all they do is take care of kids. This was actually never true for me. DH always loved talking to me. In part because I’m a good conversationalist and I know how to make what I want to say interesting, but I also read articles, books when I had the bandwidth, had interesting conversations with people online, etc. (I no longer believe that online friends don’t count, I have met so many cool oriole online who have become close friends and I have spent time with them in person.)

DH and I like to talk about fitness, economics, goal-setting, people we admire, sometimes people we don’t admire, and of course our kids. Sometimes I make him listen to me about history and celebrity gossip. He makes me listen to topics too that aren’t always fascinating to me, and we both humor each other by watching videos we find funny. I’m sure you both have interests you can talk about!

You have to start believing in yourself and your value. Keep reminding yourself that you are every bit as awesome as those you’re comparing yourself too.

I have hobbies and a read a lot, but he's not interested in hearing about things that interest me. Usually I just sit there and listen to his stories from the day and pretend to be interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think people understand what it's like to be a trailing spouse. I can't make friends. I work. Full time. I am at my computer from 7:30 in the morning until 5:30 at night. Everyone said I'd meet people when the kids started school, but that's dumb and hasn't happened - I drop them off, pick them up, and in four years, have never exchanged more than brief pleasantries with another parent. I have tried volunteering, but when you're generally solely responsible for childcare, that doesn't work out.

He knows I'm lonely. It's been like this the entire time we've been married. Not his fault. Mine. I thought I could handle the isolation (I'm an introvert!) but no one is ever really ready for something like this.

I get why he doesn't want to "socialize" with me - I have no life. Nothing to talk about. Conversation with me sucks ,as much as I try to be interesting, what kind of woman who sits at home all day have anything interesting to talk to about?

And yes, I also resent having to cook dinner every night.

Yikes. You sound like you are in a bad place. I'm really sorry. It doesn't sound like your husband is taking your needs into consideration at all- it seems like he is treating you like a Mommy Machine who does all the stuff he doesn't want to do. And then lemme guess he can sideline your feelings all day but then expect you to be DTF as soon as the kids are asleep.

You are definitely showing signs of Depression so talk to a medical professional/therapist. Couple's Counselling is probably a good idea too.

And people on the thread who are blaming her- do you really not care about how your spouse feels at all? Luckily my DH was supportive when I was in the depths of Clinny D and not like you shower of shites.

I have given some suggestions to OP and I might have come across like I think what her spouse is doing is okay. I don’t think it is. He sounds completely indifferent to her feelings and needs. And surprise: being married to somebody who is indifferent to your feelings and needs can cause depression.

But there is a chance he is a good guy who doesn’t realize he is acting indifferent and when he does, he will help figure out a way to make things better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you don't want to cook dinner every night (you said you want to eat food that somebody else makes), tell your DH that it isn't working for you and, going forward, you will cook 3-4 nights a week and the other nights he either cooks or takes you out. There is no reason - none, zero - you should be doing all the cooking when you both work.

Sure there is - I don't have a commute and can start dinner on time.

Are you really still currently treating your anxiety/depression? Therapy and meds? If you’ve slacked off, you need to reach out to your team and schedule a therapy session to make a plan to be less lonely, and maybe to see if this dosage is right for your needs at the current time.

You’re being contrary, negative, defeatist, and you’re making lots of excuses why you can’t change. If that’s the real you, okay, but if that’s not who you are, start taking care of yourself so you can feel better. No one else can do it for you. You sound like you’re in a really bad place and it would be a shame if you start pushing people further away.

No, I think this is just how I am. I admit I let people run all over me so I don't bother them and get in their way, so it's very difficult to find a solution to things that works for ME, because it usually means it doesn't work for the other person. Therapy hasn't helped with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think people understand what it's like to be a trailing spouse. I can't make friends. I work. Full time. I am at my computer from 7:30 in the morning until 5:30 at night. Everyone said I'd meet people when the kids started school, but that's dumb and hasn't happened - I drop them off, pick them up, and in four years, have never exchanged more than brief pleasantries with another parent. I have tried volunteering, but when you're generally solely responsible for childcare, that doesn't work out.

He knows I'm lonely. It's been like this the entire time we've been married. Not his fault. Mine. I thought I could handle the isolation (I'm an introvert!) but no one is ever really ready for something like this.

I get why he doesn't want to "socialize" with me - I have no life. Nothing to talk about. Conversation with me sucks ,as much as I try to be interesting, what kind of woman who sits at home all day have anything interesting to talk to about?

And yes, I also resent having to cook dinner every night.

I was in a similar situation.
It IS hard to make friends or volunteer when you are solely responsible for childcare. My husband works unpredictable hours as well (medicine), so it’s hard to even schedule babysitting. He might be home and want to play with the kids, or the babysitter might feel awkward being alone with a man she doesn’t know. People you just met aren’t usually thrilled to hang out with a bunch of kids in tow. I used to have fantasies that my husband died, and I was free to move back near my friends and family.

I cut back to very part time work for a while with the intention of finding a community, and I found some of one. What ultimately ended up happening was that the kids got old enough to stay on their own for a little while so I could leave the house, my husband got a little burned out on work and started working a little less while I started working a little more, and after a few years casual acquaintances turned into friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think people understand what it's like to be a trailing spouse. I can't make friends. I work. Full time. I am at my computer from 7:30 in the morning until 5:30 at night. Everyone said I'd meet people when the kids started school, but that's dumb and hasn't happened - I drop them off, pick them up, and in four years, have never exchanged more than brief pleasantries with another parent. I have tried volunteering, but when you're generally solely responsible for childcare, that doesn't work out.

He knows I'm lonely. It's been like this the entire time we've been married. Not his fault. Mine. I thought I could handle the isolation (I'm an introvert!) but no one is ever really ready for something like this.

I get why he doesn't want to "socialize" with me - I have no life. Nothing to talk about. Conversation with me sucks ,as much as I try to be interesting, what kind of woman who sits at home all day have anything interesting to talk to about?

And yes, I also resent having to cook dinner every night.

Try establishing a remote work lunch club. Check with HR and if okay post it somewhere that others will see. Once a month invite all people who live in your area and work at the same place even if they don't do the same job. Pick a restaurant you want to try. Hopefully others will show up and you can vote who picks the next restaurant to try. Even if no one shows up you tried and you get to enjoy a lunch out with yourself.

I would have done this a long time ago if I was local to my coworkers, but I am not (they are 99% in DC).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you don't want to cook dinner every night (you said you want to eat food that somebody else makes), tell your DH that it isn't working for you and, going forward, you will cook 3-4 nights a week and the other nights he either cooks or takes you out. There is no reason - none, zero - you should be doing all the cooking when you both work.

Sure there is - I don't have a commute and can start dinner on time.

Are you really still currently treating your anxiety/depression? Therapy and meds? If you’ve slacked off, you need to reach out to your team and schedule a therapy session to make a plan to be less lonely, and maybe to see if this dosage is right for your needs at the current time.

You’re being contrary, negative, defeatist, and you’re making lots of excuses why you can’t change. If that’s the real you, okay, but if that’s not who you are, start taking care of yourself so you can feel better. No one else can do it for you. You sound like you’re in a really bad place and it would be a shame if you start pushing people further away.

No, I think this is just how I am. I admit I let people run all over me so I don't bother them and get in their way, so it's very difficult to find a solution to things that works for ME, because it usually means it doesn't work for the other person. Therapy hasn't helped with that.

I highly recommend dialectal behavioral therapy for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you don't want to cook dinner every night (you said you want to eat food that somebody else makes), tell your DH that it isn't working for you and, going forward, you will cook 3-4 nights a week and the other nights he either cooks or takes you out. There is no reason - none, zero - you should be doing all the cooking when you both work.

Sure there is - I don't have a commute and can start dinner on time.

Are you really still currently treating your anxiety/depression? Therapy and meds? If you’ve slacked off, you need to reach out to your team and schedule a therapy session to make a plan to be less lonely, and maybe to see if this dosage is right for your needs at the current time.

You’re being contrary, negative, defeatist, and you’re making lots of excuses why you can’t change. If that’s the real you, okay, but if that’s not who you are, start taking care of yourself so you can feel better. No one else can do it for you. You sound like you’re in a really bad place and it would be a shame if you start pushing people further away.

No, I think this is just how I am. I admit I let people run all over me so I don't bother them and get in their way, so it's very difficult to find a solution to things that works for ME, because it usually means it doesn't work for the other person. Therapy hasn't helped with that.

So what do you want? Do you want to pull yourself up to an enjoyable state, pull him down into unhappiness too, or keep things how they are and vent here but not change? I’m sure that sounds sarcastic but it’s a real question. It’s just that when people post, they’re usually looking for solutions, but sometimes it’s more about venting than changing. It’ll help people know how to respond if we know your goals.

[Anonymous]

That sounds like my spouse. He likes to go out for lunch with his co-workers (not in sales, paying out of pocket). I am a SAHM. Many times he gets back the leftovers.

I really don't mind because he does all the cooking at home. So 50% of the time it is food he cooks, 30% is take out or delivery and 20% of the time it is premade frozen food from Costco. I like having leftovers because I could not be bothered to cook. He on the other hand loves to cook (very good food) and love to feed people.

I don't want to become his lunch date (married 35 years). I will however have lunch or brunch dates with my own friends and catch up with them. I do not mind having leftovers from his lunch because I get to try out things that I normally won't try.

In summary - Leftovers are plump chicken dumplings in the gravy train I am riding.

[Anonymous]

You are choosing to each leftovers, he is choosing to go out.

Unless he is trying to force you to eat leftovers, I don’t understand your grievance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you don't want to cook dinner every night (you said you want to eat food that somebody else makes), tell your DH that it isn't working for you and, going forward, you will cook 3-4 nights a week and the other nights he either cooks or takes you out. There is no reason - none, zero - you should be doing all the cooking when you both work.

Sure there is - I don't have a commute and can start dinner on time.

Are you really still currently treating your anxiety/depression? Therapy and meds? If you’ve slacked off, you need to reach out to your team and schedule a therapy session to make a plan to be less lonely, and maybe to see if this dosage is right for your needs at the current time.

You’re being contrary, negative, defeatist, and you’re making lots of excuses why you can’t change. If that’s the real you, okay, but if that’s not who you are, start taking care of yourself so you can feel better. No one else can do it for you. You sound like you’re in a really bad place and it would be a shame if you start pushing people further away.

No, I think this is just how I am. I admit I let people run all over me so I don't bother them and get in their way, so it's very difficult to find a solution to things that works for ME, because it usually means it doesn't work for the other person. Therapy hasn't helped with that.

So what do you want? Do you want to pull yourself up to an enjoyable state, pull him down into unhappiness too, or keep things how they are and vent here but not change? I’m sure that sounds sarcastic but it’s a real question. It’s just that when people post, they’re usually looking for solutions, but sometimes it’s more about venting than changing. It’ll help people know how to respond if we know your goals.

I want to find a way to be happy in a life that isn't what I would have chosen had I known, I suppose.

[Anonymous]

Why did you marry this guy? Were you not thinking straight? or Did you marry for money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you don't want to cook dinner every night (you said you want to eat food that somebody else makes), tell your DH that it isn't working for you and, going forward, you will cook 3-4 nights a week and the other nights he either cooks or takes you out. There is no reason - none, zero - you should be doing all the cooking when you both work.

Sure there is - I don't have a commute and can start dinner on time.

Are you really still currently treating your anxiety/depression? Therapy and meds? If you’ve slacked off, you need to reach out to your team and schedule a therapy session to make a plan to be less lonely, and maybe to see if this dosage is right for your needs at the current time.

You’re being contrary, negative, defeatist, and you’re making lots of excuses why you can’t change. If that’s the real you, okay, but if that’s not who you are, start taking care of yourself so you can feel better. No one else can do it for you. You sound like you’re in a really bad place and it would be a shame if you start pushing people further away.

No, I think this is just how I am. I admit I let people run all over me so I don't bother them and get in their way, so it's very difficult to find a solution to things that works for ME, because it usually means it doesn't work for the other person. Therapy hasn't helped with that.

So what do you want? Do you want to pull yourself up to an enjoyable state, pull him down into unhappiness too, or keep things how they are and vent here but not change? I’m sure that sounds sarcastic but it’s a real question. It’s just that when people post, they’re usually looking for solutions, but sometimes it’s more about venting than changing. It’ll help people know how to respond if we know your goals.

I want to find a way to be happy in a life that isn't what I would have chosen had I known, I suppose.

It sounds like it’s going to be hard to be happy the way things are, so you have to change things. Personally I’d start with a different job and/or a divorce.

[Anonymous]

He is dating another woman!! Please let that man cheat in peace

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry this guy? Were you not thinking straight? or Did you marry for money?

I loved him and had no idea it would be as isolating as it is.