spouse eats lunch out every day; I get leftovers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure what the problem is. It’s clear he does work lunches with colleagues and is happy with that. You could do the same, meet a friend, or enjoy leftovers. Go out to eat together on weekends.

This. My DH used to complain about this back when I worked in person, but eating lunch out has always been part of my workday routine since I started making enough money to justify it. If it was a budgeting/money thing I would have been happy to stop, but I could afford it without it impacting our joint savings/budget in any way, and I liked it. I wasn't always going to restaurants, often it was just a salad from Chopt or a burrito bowl or something, but going out for food and then eating somewhere other than my office was part of how I maintained good mental health at work.

He had to get over it. Now we both work from home a couple days a week and mostly eat at home (not leftovers but simple meals at home) and he's started treating himself to lunch out on his in-office days once or twice a week. He could also not if he preferred. But I'm not going to deny myself something I look forward to and enjoy, and can afford, just because he wants to deny himself. It makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you mad about the money?

Are you mad he has friends and you don’t because you trail?

Are you mad he won’t include you?

Are you mad he doesn’t want to spend time with you after work?

If you can narrow down the actual issue, it might be easier to find a solution.

1. I'm incredibly lonely.
2. Once in a while, I would like to eat meals that someone else cooked and/or are fresh.

You should definitely raise these issues. Don’t complain about his eating with colleagues, which is not the issue. The issue is that you have moved for him and he doesn’t make time for you.

+1

And don’t complain! Just describe how you’re feeling and tell him what you’re like from him.

+1 yeah I agree with this. I hope he is acknowledging how hard this is for you. Him not eating with coworkers won't actually help, though. There's got to be other ways you can figure this out. Also, just sorry - moving is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure what the problem is. It’s clear he does work lunches with colleagues and is happy with that. You could do the same, meet a friend, or enjoy leftovers. Go out to eat together on weekends.

This. My DH used to complain about this back when I worked in person, but eating lunch out has always been part of my workday routine since I started making enough money to justify it. If it was a budgeting/money thing I would have been happy to stop, but I could afford it without it impacting our joint savings/budget in any way, and I liked it. I wasn't always going to restaurants, often it was just a salad from Chopt or a burrito bowl or something, but going out for food and then eating somewhere other than my office was part of how I maintained good mental health at work.

He had to get over it. Now we both work from home a couple days a week and mostly eat at home (not leftovers but simple meals at home) and he's started treating himself to lunch out on his in-office days once or twice a week. He could also not if he preferred. But I'm not going to deny myself something I look forward to and enjoy, and can afford, just because he wants to deny himself. It makes no sense.

What do you do with your left overs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you mad about the money?

Are you mad he has friends and you don’t because you trail?

Are you mad he won’t include you?

Are you mad he doesn’t want to spend time with you after work?

If you can narrow down the actual issue, it might be easier to find a solution.

1. I'm incredibly lonely.
2. Once in a while, I would like to eat meals that someone else cooked and/or are fresh.

Neither of these things is for your DH to fix, particularly #2. #1 cannot be his problem during the day.

Well it doesn’t have to be his problem but he could be part of the solution. I can see how OP might feel hurt by this because he is literally choosing his coworkers over her if he’s always saying he can’t have lunch with her because he is making plans with them. I’m sure he isn’t intending to be hurtful and it’s OP’s job to manage her emotions, but I get where she’s coming from. So if they just schedule a lunch together in advance, she can be less lonely during the day and it won’t be interfering with his plans with coworkers.

[Anonymous]

If your DH is the only person you socialize with that’s putting a lot on him too. You really need to figure out a way to meet other people to spend time with. Do you have kids? A dog? A faith group? A gym? All of these are ways to get out and meet people. I think you’ll be less focused on what your DH is doing or not doing if you are out doing stuff you enjoy too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

1. I'm incredibly lonely.
2. Once in a while, I would like to eat meals that someone else cooked and/or are fresh.

You work from home. Every meal you eat should be fresh. What's stopping you from cooking a nice meal for yourself at home? Are you really so completely incompetent in the kitchen that you can only eat leftovers?

[Anonymous]

When we commuted before covid my husband ate breakfast and lunch out every day while I chose more economical options. If it was a budget concern I get it, but since it’s not, who cares. If you wfh and want to eat out, go take yourself out for a lunch hour, go with a friend or a coworker, or get it to go. Why is this even an issue? Not a big deal if your husband doesn’t like committing to lunch with you at work on the regular. Go on a weekend together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

1. I'm incredibly lonely.
2. Once in a while, I would like to eat meals that someone else cooked and/or are fresh.

You work from home. Every meal you eat should be fresh. What's stopping you from cooking a nice meal for yourself at home? Are you really so completely incompetent in the kitchen that you can only eat leftovers?

That covers 'fresh' but completely ignores 'someone else cooked'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you mad about the money?

Are you mad he has friends and you don’t because you trail?

Are you mad he won’t include you?

Are you mad he doesn’t want to spend time with you after work?

If you can narrow down the actual issue, it might be easier to find a solution.

1. I'm incredibly lonely.
2. Once in a while, I would like to eat meals that someone else cooked and/or are fresh.

#2 is easy to fix. There is nothing stopping you from buying lunch. Nothing at all. Therefore, the real problem is #1. Have you looked for ways to meet people? Volunteer activities, an art or fitness class, or an affinity group/club could work. Also, you could consider an in person job or working from a co-working space to get out of your house and into a better headspace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
That covers 'fresh' but completely ignores 'someone else cooked'

Yes, and that should be ignored. There is no reason at all to expect someone else to cook for you when you work from home and are having lunch by yourself.

But hey anyone who wants to come cook lunch for me when I'm working from home tomorrow is welcome to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

1. I'm incredibly lonely.
2. Once in a while, I would like to eat meals that someone else cooked and/or are fresh.

You work from home. Every meal you eat should be fresh. What's stopping you from cooking a nice meal for yourself at home? Are you really so completely incompetent in the kitchen that you can only eat leftovers?

That covers 'fresh' but completely ignores 'someone else cooked'

So go buy food from a restaurant! Why is this so hard?

I don't get the helplessness here. Is OP not allowed to talk to strangers except when her husband is present?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

1. I'm incredibly lonely.
2. Once in a while, I would like to eat meals that someone else cooked and/or are fresh.

You work from home. Every meal you eat should be fresh. What's stopping you from cooking a nice meal for yourself at home? Are you really so completely incompetent in the kitchen that you can only eat leftovers?

That covers 'fresh' but completely ignores 'someone else cooked'

So go buy food from a restaurant! Why is this so hard?

I don't get the helplessness here. Is OP not allowed to talk to strangers except when her husband is present?!

NP. I agree that OP can do something about the situation, but her husband has a built-in social structure at the office and she doesn’t. Of course she can go out and make new friends but it’s much harder if you’re working from home. To have a group to go out to lunch with every day or even most days if the week can take years to build.

[Anonymous]

I think people are being hard on OP. She needs some socializing, some friends, a little change of scenery. Her DH is not really helping with that, probably because he gets those things at work. No one is in the wrong here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

1. I'm incredibly lonely.
2. Once in a while, I would like to eat meals that someone else cooked and/or are fresh.

You work from home. Every meal you eat should be fresh. What's stopping you from cooking a nice meal for yourself at home? Are you really so completely incompetent in the kitchen that you can only eat leftovers?

That covers 'fresh' but completely ignores 'someone else cooked'

So go buy food from a restaurant! Why is this so hard?

I don't get the helplessness here. Is OP not allowed to talk to strangers except when her husband is present?!

NP. I agree that OP can do something about the situation, but her husband has a built-in social structure at the office and she doesn’t. Of course she can go out and make new friends but it’s much harder if you’re working from home. To have a group to go out to lunch with every day or even most days if the week can take years to build.

Oh for sure, and it sounds like her husband is having a great time - and she is struggling. It would certainly be kind of him to take her out for lunch once a week - or at least out for dinner. But OP also needs to recognize that her husband can't be her whole social system. However hard it is, she has to put herself out in the world and meet some people of her own.

[Anonymous]

Unless it is a budget problem, solve the parts of this that you can solve. Eat out (by yourself or get takeout) for lunch as much as you want. Ideally, you'd have someone to go with you, but if you don't, then at least solve the meal part. And/or prepare yourself a fresh lunch if you don't want leftovers.

We eat leftovers either for lunch, or the next day for dinner - so he can have leftovers for dinner with you, and no one needs to cook.

Sorry about the lonliness and trailing spouse aspect. That is rough and will be harder (but not impossible!) to solve. You may want to consider therapy to help guide you if you are stuck.