spouse eats lunch out every day; I get leftovers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a household budget?
Each of you get a certain amount to spend each month, no questions, his lunches can come from that.
Another solution might be to join him for a lunch date occasionally.

+1
We do this. I WFH (post pandemic) and he's in the office. He literally eats his 'allowance' every month and I spend mine on hobbies and the occasional lunch or coffee. It works for us! I even get spa days out of this arrangement and can buy clothes or whatever more easily. I don't really like eating out all that much anyway because I enjoy managing all my nutrients and calories, which is hard when you eat out.

[Anonymous]

Are you mad about the money?

Are you mad he has friends and you don’t because you trail?

Are you mad he won’t include you?

Are you mad he doesn’t want to spend time with you after work?

If you can narrow down the actual issue, it might be easier to find a solution.

[Anonymous]

I would be hurt that DH could NEVER find a day to have lunch with me. I would tell him it is really important to me and suggest 1 day a month.

The second issue...order lunch for yourself whenever you like (assuming there is no budget issue)/ You might be underwhelmed. I enjoy leftovers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you mad about the money?

Are you mad he has friends and you don’t because you trail?

Are you mad he won’t include you?

Are you mad he doesn’t want to spend time with you after work?

If you can narrow down the actual issue, it might be easier to find a solution.

1. I'm incredibly lonely.
2. Once in a while, I would like to eat meals that someone else cooked and/or are fresh.

[Anonymous]

Plan a lunch date with him before he makes his own plans.

[Anonymous]

He doesn't want to sit in his office and eat lunch. I get it. I work at home and don't want to sit in my office and eat lunch either.

OP, you can go out to lunch alone (I do this all the time). Maybe you'll meet a friend out at lunch. Or eat leftovers. Or get delivery or do whatever.

[Anonymous]

Join some groups and make some friends and go out to eat, or toss the leftovers and go out to eat by yourself! If you move around a lot, you must have developed strategies for making friends in other cities. Aren’t there military wives groups?

The not ever going out to eat with you would be very frustrating. I would explain that you would like to try some of these places and he can either book you down for lunch on a set day that he doesn’t already have plans (even if it means looking 2-3 weeks out) or he also has to eat out for dinner once every week or so. Not ever going out to eat with your spouse if that’s something you want is problematic regardless of who eats what for lunch.

We have the same lunch dynamic in our marriage, I am a SAHM and am always stuck with the leftovers and DH really doesn’t like bringing food into work. He doesn’t often go to sit down restaurants every day (maybe twice a week) but even running out to a deli for a freshly made sandwich that he can eat in peace is better than the leftovers or kid food I end up with. And he has lots of friends at work, and in the buildings nearby, that he meets up with. Our compromise is that I end up going out with friends for dinner much more often. He socializes at lunch while I am with the kids and then I can socialize at dinners.

In the meantime, start ordering takeout for lunch and make smaller portions for dinner so you don’t have leftovers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you mad about the money?

Are you mad he has friends and you don’t because you trail?

Are you mad he won’t include you?

Are you mad he doesn’t want to spend time with you after work?

If you can narrow down the actual issue, it might be easier to find a solution.

1. I'm incredibly lonely.
2. Once in a while, I would like to eat meals that someone else cooked and/or are fresh.

If you are telling your husband both these things and he is doing nothing to respond, then you have a much, much larger issue that going out to lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you mad about the money?

Are you mad he has friends and you don’t because you trail?

Are you mad he won’t include you?

Are you mad he doesn’t want to spend time with you after work?

If you can narrow down the actual issue, it might be easier to find a solution.

1. I'm incredibly lonely.
2. Once in a while, I would like to eat meals that someone else cooked and/or are fresh.

You should definitely raise these issues. Don’t complain about his eating with colleagues, which is not the issue. The issue is that you have moved for him and he doesn’t make time for you.

[Anonymous]

take yourself out to lunch, serve the leftovers for dinner, cook dinner less often, win win

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you mad about the money?

Are you mad he has friends and you don’t because you trail?

Are you mad he won’t include you?

Are you mad he doesn’t want to spend time with you after work?

If you can narrow down the actual issue, it might be easier to find a solution.

1. I'm incredibly lonely.
2. Once in a while, I would like to eat meals that someone else cooked and/or are fresh.

You should definitely raise these issues. Don’t complain about his eating with colleagues, which is not the issue. The issue is that you have moved for him and he doesn’t make time for you.

+1

And don’t complain! Just describe how you’re feeling and tell him what you’re like from him.

[Anonymous]

The main issue is you moved “for him” and now you feel you’re getting the short end of the stick and he doesn’t even want to hang out with you. Resentment over his lunch is just a symptom of these other issues.

You need to have a heart to heart with yourself and figure out what’s going to make you happy. If you don’t know and can’t be happy in your own life, then there’s no way lunch with him will fix it. There’s always going to be something he will do that will trigger this feeling that he’s not meeting your needs. The real issue is that your needs aren’t met. Go from there.

[Anonymous]

Just cook less if you don't want to eat leftovers, or if he's bringing home leftovers from his lunch, just serve them to DH for dinner. You can't rely on one person for all your socialization, OP. If you want to go to lunch with a friend, go join a couple groups, volunteer, and make friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you mad about the money?

Are you mad he has friends and you don’t because you trail?

Are you mad he won’t include you?

Are you mad he doesn’t want to spend time with you after work?

If you can narrow down the actual issue, it might be easier to find a solution.

1. I'm incredibly lonely.
2. Once in a while, I would like to eat meals that someone else cooked and/or are fresh.

Neither of these things is for your DH to fix, particularly #2. #1 cannot be his problem during the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have any local friends (again, trailing spouse who works at home).

It's not a cost of doing business for him. People DO brown bag. He just goes around the office and finds the ones who haven't that day or decide going out is a better option than what he brought. I know because I've run into some of them at events (military) and they joke about it.

He likes lunch with coworkers - this is only a problem because you don't have people to eat with too. You obviously need to put some effort into making friends. The solution can't be that your husband isn't able to have a social life until you've built a social life, is it?

Moving is hard. It sounds like this is a move you didn't want to make - and you may be trying to punish your husband by denying him some of the pleasures he enjoys. But this won't end well. You need to develop your own network here. Also your husband needs to be more accommodating about going out for dinner.