spouse eats lunch out every day; I get leftovers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Asking/expecting your husband to make space to have lunch with you once a week in a new place where you DON'T have the advantage of a built-in social structure is not asking your husband to "be her whole social system."

I think he's being a jerk.

Nah, once a week is too much.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you sound miserable, but I'm not sure why making your DH miserable (which, honestly, is what it seems like you're going for) would make you feel better? If you want DH to go to lunch with you sometimes, press for that with a reasonable ask (e.g., once every 2 weeks)... don't muddy the waters with leftovers (what do those have to do with wanting to have lunch with your DH other than you want him to be miserable too)?

OP here. I am not trying to make him miserable. I just feel like I'm the one making all the sacrifices, and I hate it. I just want something to keep me hanging on, even if it's a stupid lunch out, because right now I don't have anything.

I understand what you are saying and can empathize with you. We moved for three years to London I didn't know a soul. Luckily I had time and joined a couple clubs and met some people at the kids bus stop. Eventually, I made some friends.

Please have an honest conversation with your DH and tell him how you feel. Also, it seems like he doesn't want to go out for dinner with you. Find a hobby or a group that you can do activities with. You can't be home and miserable, it's not healthy.

I’m in a similar boat. I followed DH around like a puppy because his career was so important and I was just working. His work was such that it didn’t lend itself to supporting spouses transitioning to new locations or who felt isolated due to so many moves. After a few miserable years, I figured out that if I wanted to socialize, I had to make it happen. If he didn’t want to join in, it was on me. It was easier when we had small kids because there was a built in mom group to some extent. But before kids and after elementary school, it was hard.

I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression, and the pandemic ratcheted things up to a new level. But… things are opening back up. We’re finding a new normal. It’s good that you’re getting treatment with meds and therapy. I’m pretty sure if you talked to your therapist about this, they’d help you brainstorm some ways to approach this issue and the solution wouldn’t be to drag someone down to your level (you’ve admitting you’re feeling low) but to try to climb up to a level where you can enjoy time together out of the house.

I haven’t seen your response to why you’re eating leftovers and complaining about him not eating leftovers. Is it a budget issue? It seems like if it were, you’d post it loud and clear. If he’s breaking the bank on lunches out, that’s one thing. But if you’re not saying that, the implication is that you can afford it, so the problem is that he’s out having fun and you’re home eating leftovers to avoid cooking again. You can go out for lunch or you can order delivery. Cook less for dinner so you don’t have leftovers you feel compelled to eat. Decide you’re not cooking some nights so he has to cook or you go out or go hungry. Check out Nextdoor groups or meetups in your area. Ask someone you met and would like to develop a friendship with. It’s scary, but you have to put yourself out there if you want to get out.

Also, stop saying you don’t have choices or whatever. You chose him. You chose to move. It’s hard. I’ve been there. But it’s not like you were kidnapped or taken hostage and forced to marry and move around with him. I spent years resenting my husband for making me move 3,000 miles away from the home we established for our family. But the truth was, I knew we’d have to move at least a few times after a few years, and I still chose to marry him. I didn’t realize how hard it would be, and I’m not sure I’d make the same choice again knowing what I know now, but it was my choice just like you made your choices. It’s hard. But it’s worth it when you put in the effort to make friends and find your tribe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you mad about the money?

Are you mad he has friends and you don’t because you trail?

Are you mad he won’t include you?

Are you mad he doesn’t want to spend time with you after work?

If you can narrow down the actual issue, it might be easier to find a solution.

1. I'm incredibly lonely.
2. Once in a while, I would like to eat meals that someone else cooked and/or are fresh.

If you are telling your husband both these things and he is doing nothing to respond, then you have a much, much larger issue that going out to lunch.

This. This was hard to read. Painful. If it hadn't included the trailing spouse bit, I would have thought it was me posting from the past about my now ex husband. I'm sorry OP. It's odd that people are posting instructions about ordering take out. The food is not the issue.

You ask him to get lunch and he's already got other plans and won't take you to lunch or diner? There is a bigger problem here. Test him. Ask him to meet you for lunch way in advance like say next friday before he has time to make other plans with other people.

OP I would try this and go from there. If he comes up with weird excuses to get out of it, you might want to look at next steps.


I can't imagine wanting to do what he's doing anyway! I love my team at the office but I don't want to hang out with them all day every day. No thank you!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand your problems but you should look for different solutions.

The problem here is that you have an issue of being lonely and wanting to go out to eat periodically. But your solution is to take away something that he enjoys and perhaps helps with his emotional balance, e.g. his lunch out with co-workers. I think it better that you convey to him your two points that you are lonely and that you want to go out to eat with someone you know periodically. Since you don't know anyone because you moved her because of his job, you would like to go out to eat with him periodically. He can decide whether he wants to periodically take a day and have lunch with you or if you go out to eat dinner regularly.

The point is to give him the problem and let him help figure out a solution. You don't want to suggest that he give something up unless he wants to give it up. All that does is make both of you unhappy. It's better to find a way to make both of you happy.

OP have you read this advice? It’s really good.

I know it’s really frustrating because you already tried to come up with a solution and were rebuffed. But thats not the end. Collaborate. Be solution-oriented.

+2 yes, great advice.

Did you guys miss the part where she said he never wanted to go out to dinner? It was in the OP. That would bother me. Reading between the lines, he wants her to cook dinner every night.

If he’s saying he doesn’t want to go out again because he’s going out for lunch, that’s very rigid. I would be annoyed if my spouse was running around the office looking for people to eat with but then “had plans “ when I asked him to do something with me. Sounds like it’s not about lunch so much as him not wanting to do anything with her, which feels extra bad because she is so lonely. Do working on her own friendships is great but won’t fully solve the problem of wanting him to do stuff outside the house.

I'm the first PP (the one who made the suggestion). No, we did not miss that part. But the point is that OP has a problem. Her picking a solution and trying to make him adhere to it is just going to make them both unhappy. What she needs to do is tell him the problem and then let him figure out what compromise he is willing to make to solve the problem. Yes, he is happy going out to lunch with his co-workers and he doesn't like to go out once he's home from work. But that status quo is not working for her. She needs to let him know that the status quo is not working and have him help come up with a solution that solves her problem. The point is that instead of picking a solution that he doesn't like, let him figure out what compromise he is willing to make and then offer it. They'll both be happier if she does so.

And, if he isn't willing to compromise and help solve her problem, then there is a much bigger problem than just where and when to dine out. He needs to show that he cares enough to make a compromise that will help solve her problem. But he should have some say in what that compromise is.

It sounds like she has tried multiple solutions and her husband is shooting them all down. I just don’t think it’s fair to characterize this as trying to take away something he loves when she has asked for several different things already. I understand she could try saying more explicitly that she is lonely but her husband sounds really uncaring if he wants to get to choose how he eats lunch every day and then expects OP to cook dinner every night despite her saying repeatedly that she is unhappy with that

[Anonymous]

I don't think people understand what it's like to be a trailing spouse. I can't make friends. I work. Full time. I am at my computer from 7:30 in the morning until 5:30 at night. Everyone said I'd meet people when the kids started school, but that's dumb and hasn't happened - I drop them off, pick them up, and in four years, have never exchanged more than brief pleasantries with another parent. I have tried volunteering, but when you're generally solely responsible for childcare, that doesn't work out.

He knows I'm lonely. It's been like this the entire time we've been married. Not his fault. Mine. I thought I could handle the isolation (I'm an introvert!) but no one is ever really ready for something like this.

I get why he doesn't want to "socialize" with me - I have no life. Nothing to talk about. Conversation with me sucks ,as much as I try to be interesting, what kind of woman who sits at home all day have anything interesting to talk to about?

And yes, I also resent having to cook dinner every night.

[Anonymous]

OP if you don't want to cook dinner every night (you said you want to eat food that somebody else makes), tell your DH that it isn't working for you and, going forward, you will cook 3-4 nights a week and the other nights he either cooks or takes you out. There is no reason - none, zero - you should be doing all the cooking when you both work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think people understand what it's like to be a trailing spouse. I can't make friends. I work. Full time. I am at my computer from 7:30 in the morning until 5:30 at night. Everyone said I'd meet people when the kids started school, but that's dumb and hasn't happened - I drop them off, pick them up, and in four years, have never exchanged more than brief pleasantries with another parent. I have tried volunteering, but when you're generally solely responsible for childcare, that doesn't work out.

He knows I'm lonely. It's been like this the entire time we've been married. Not his fault. Mine. I thought I could handle the isolation (I'm an introvert!) but no one is ever really ready for something like this.

I get why he doesn't want to "socialize" with me - I have no life. Nothing to talk about. Conversation with me sucks ,as much as I try to be interesting, what kind of woman who sits at home all day have anything interesting to talk to about?

And yes, I also resent having to cook dinner every night.

Step #1: stop cooking. Seriously. I’m a stay at home mom and I did it, so you can too. Get freezer meals, sandwich stuff, yogurts, order in, etc. It actually didn’t turn out being more expensive for us and saved my mental health. Let go of the idea that you have to make dinner every night. Just keep food in the house, that’s enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if you don't want to cook dinner every night (you said you want to eat food that somebody else makes), tell your DH that it isn't working for you and, going forward, you will cook 3-4 nights a week and the other nights he either cooks or takes you out. There is no reason - none, zero - you should be doing all the cooking when you both work.

Sure there is - I don't have a commute and can start dinner on time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you don't want to cook dinner every night (you said you want to eat food that somebody else makes), tell your DH that it isn't working for you and, going forward, you will cook 3-4 nights a week and the other nights he either cooks or takes you out. There is no reason - none, zero - you should be doing all the cooking when you both work.

Sure there is - I don't have a commute and can start dinner on time.

If you want to keep finding counter arguments, no one can help you. It sounds like you are seriously spiralling down into major depression. You need to talk to your therapist pronto.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think people understand what it's like to be a trailing spouse. I can't make friends. I work. Full time. I am at my computer from 7:30 in the morning until 5:30 at night. Everyone said I'd meet people when the kids started school, but that's dumb and hasn't happened - I drop them off, pick them up, and in four years, have never exchanged more than brief pleasantries with another parent. I have tried volunteering, but when you're generally solely responsible for childcare, that doesn't work out.

He knows I'm lonely. It's been like this the entire time we've been married. Not his fault. Mine. I thought I could handle the isolation (I'm an introvert!) but no one is ever really ready for something like this.

I get why he doesn't want to "socialize" with me - I have no life. Nothing to talk about. Conversation with me sucks ,as much as I try to be interesting, what kind of woman who sits at home all day have anything interesting to talk to about?

And yes, I also resent having to cook dinner every night.

I’m the PP who said to stop cooking and also, don’t worry about not being interesting. Be *interested*. “Interesting or interested” is the rule.

A lot of people say Stay at home moms are no fun to socialize with because all they do is take care of kids. This was actually never true for me. DH always loved talking to me. In part because I’m a good conversationalist and I know how to make what I want to say interesting, but I also read articles, books when I had the bandwidth, had interesting conversations with people online, etc. (I no longer believe that online friends don’t count, I have met so many cool oriole online who have become close friends and I have spent time with them in person.)

DH and I like to talk about fitness, economics, goal-setting, people we admire, sometimes people we don’t admire, and of course our kids. Sometimes I make him listen to me about history and celebrity gossip. He makes me listen to topics too that aren’t always fascinating to me, and we both humor each other by watching videos we find funny. I’m sure you both have interests you can talk about!

You have to start believing in yourself and your value. Keep reminding yourself that you are every bit as awesome as those you’re comparing yourself too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you don't want to cook dinner every night (you said you want to eat food that somebody else makes), tell your DH that it isn't working for you and, going forward, you will cook 3-4 nights a week and the other nights he either cooks or takes you out. There is no reason - none, zero - you should be doing all the cooking when you both work.

Sure there is - I don't have a commute and can start dinner on time.

Have you told your husband that you're miserable and the food has become the focus of your misery, and that you think it might help if he picks up takeout a couple of nights a week on his way home? Or if you meet him out at a restaurant before he comes home once or twice a week?

This isn't an impossible situation!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you don't want to cook dinner every night (you said you want to eat food that somebody else makes), tell your DH that it isn't working for you and, going forward, you will cook 3-4 nights a week and the other nights he either cooks or takes you out. There is no reason - none, zero - you should be doing all the cooking when you both work.

Sure there is - I don't have a commute and can start dinner on time.

Are you really still currently treating your anxiety/depression? Therapy and meds? If you’ve slacked off, you need to reach out to your team and schedule a therapy session to make a plan to be less lonely, and maybe to see if this dosage is right for your needs at the current time.

You’re being contrary, negative, defeatist, and you’re making lots of excuses why you can’t change. If that’s the real you, okay, but if that’s not who you are, start taking care of yourself so you can feel better. No one else can do it for you. You sound like you’re in a really bad place and it would be a shame if you start pushing people further away.

[Anonymous]

Order food for your lunch. Have it delivered. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think people understand what it's like to be a trailing spouse. I can't make friends. I work. Full time. I am at my computer from 7:30 in the morning until 5:30 at night. Everyone said I'd meet people when the kids started school, but that's dumb and hasn't happened - I drop them off, pick them up, and in four years, have never exchanged more than brief pleasantries with another parent. I have tried volunteering, but when you're generally solely responsible for childcare, that doesn't work out.

He knows I'm lonely. It's been like this the entire time we've been married. Not his fault. Mine. I thought I could handle the isolation (I'm an introvert!) but no one is ever really ready for something like this.

I get why he doesn't want to "socialize" with me - I have no life. Nothing to talk about. Conversation with me sucks ,as much as I try to be interesting, what kind of woman who sits at home all day have anything interesting to talk to about?

And yes, I also resent having to cook dinner every night.

Try establishing a remote work lunch club. Check with HR and if okay post it somewhere that others will see. Once a month invite all people who live in your area and work at the same place even if they don't do the same job. Pick a restaurant you want to try. Hopefully others will show up and you can vote who picks the next restaurant to try. Even if no one shows up you tried and you get to enjoy a lunch out with yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think people understand what it's like to be a trailing spouse. I can't make friends. I work. Full time. I am at my computer from 7:30 in the morning until 5:30 at night. Everyone said I'd meet people when the kids started school, but that's dumb and hasn't happened - I drop them off, pick them up, and in four years, have never exchanged more than brief pleasantries with another parent. I have tried volunteering, but when you're generally solely responsible for childcare, that doesn't work out.

He knows I'm lonely. It's been like this the entire time we've been married. Not his fault. Mine. I thought I could handle the isolation (I'm an introvert!) but no one is ever really ready for something like this.

I get why he doesn't want to "socialize" with me - I have no life. Nothing to talk about. Conversation with me sucks ,as much as I try to be interesting, what kind of woman who sits at home all day have anything interesting to talk to about?

And yes, I also resent having to cook dinner every night.

Time for an evening book club.