How do you SAH but not get lumped in with the nanny and daycare-hating crazies?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My takeaway: SAHMs are defensive and hyper-sensitive and WOHMs are one-note shrews harping on financial independence. Poor OP even had to justify her degree to prove it wasn’t wasted.

None of us are coming out of this thread looking good, ladies.

I don’t disagree generally that these are always how these threads go, but I don’t see any WOHMs talking about financial independence in this thread. Plenty of weirdly hyper defensiveness from the SAHMs though.

That’s because you are blind to how OP’s post is fundamentally anti-SAHM. Let me give you an analogous post that reads just like OP’s post to me:

“I’m a married black mom. I live in a town with racist white people who think all black children don’t have fathers. How do I make sure the white people know I’m not one of ‘those’ single black moms?” You don’t! You reject the premise altogether.

+ 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My takeaway: SAHMs are defensive and hyper-sensitive and WOHMs are one-note shrews harping on financial independence. Poor OP even had to justify her degree to prove it wasn’t wasted.

None of us are coming out of this thread looking good, ladies.

I don’t disagree generally that these are always how these threads go, but I don’t see any WOHMs talking about financial independence in this thread. Plenty of weirdly hyper defensiveness from the SAHMs though.

That’s because you are blind to how OP’s post is fundamentally anti-SAHM. Let me give you an analogous post that reads just like OP’s post to me:

“I’m a married black mom. I live in a town with racist white people who think all black children don’t have fathers. How do I make sure the white people know I’m not one of ‘those’ single black moms?” You don’t! You reject the premise altogether.

No, PP, it’s right in the title “ the nanny and daycare hating SAHMs”. That’s clearly not all SAHMs.

But be insulted if it helps you. No one cares.

Then what does all the trust find and education stuff have to do with it?

She’s stated that it’s to stop the inevitable lectures from the WOHMs on financial independence and living off her husband. She mentions her major and prior job to nip the “wasted degree” and mommy-tracked lectures from the WOHMs, too.

Right, because she agrees with them those most SAHM’s are dependent on their husbands, and she’s trying to say “don’t worry, I’m not like them.” 99.9999% of SAHM’s do not have trust funds. Does OP think those people shouldn’t stay home?

I give up. You want to be offended so be offended. No one cares.

I’m truly not offended. I just think OP will never feel right with herself if she believes she judgments about SAHM’s. And from what I can see, she does. I’m not the one creating a whole post about dcum mommy wars and how much they bother me.

+ 1 again. You’ve nailed it IMO.

[Anonymous]

Yup, this was me. I'm working again now (child is in preschool), but I struggled with this too. And not just wanting not to get labeled as someone obsessed with women being SAHM or thinking there is something wrong with nannies or daycare (which I don't). But I struggled against the perception that because I chose to SAH for a few years, it meant that I didn't care about working (or didn't want to work) or that I was somehow in opposition to moms who work FT during those early years.

Something I had to remind myself is that I don't have to justify my choices to anyone and no one has to justify their choices to me. I don't recognize myself in the stereotypes about SAHMs, and I don't recognize my friends in the stereotypes about WOH moms. I had a child later in life and the reason I stayed home is that I'd been working for a long time (nearly two decades), was ready for a break and change of pace, and also knew this was probably the last baby I'd ever have. I wanted to really embrace that time because I knew it wouldn't last forever. I was fortunate to be able to afford to do it and I have zero regrets. It also set the table for me returning to work in a very different capacity, in a job that suits this stage of my life. I am lucky, but I also made good choices for myself based on MY circumstances instead of what others expect of me.

Like me, all SAHMs and WOHMs have their reasons for doing what they do. Some are practical, some might be based in longhand dreams or expectations about how they want their lives to work. It's not my job to decide whether they made the right choices or to try and convince them to do what I did (I know what was right for me wouldn't necessarily work for someone else). So if someone else tries to impose judgment on me, or evaluate my choices by their criteria, I have to just let it go. They don't know. It's arrogant for them to assume, but at least I know the truth. And it's my opinion that matters the most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, OP, seems you haven’t been clear on which group you would like to avoid being part of or perceived to be part of by some other group (?). Can you clarify?

As a parent who has been SAH/WFH/WOH, my advice is to stop assuming all SAHs/WFHs/WOHs are all the same and stop caring what others think of you just because you are one of the above.

OP here. Let me be clearer: I do not want anyone to think I am a nanny-hating or daycare-hating SAHM because I SAH. I also do not want to get lectured by WOHMs about not thinking of my future or depending on my husband.

You don’t need to worry because this stuff doesn’t happen in real life.

[Anonymous]

Also, it’s ok to make friends with the nannies too!

[Anonymous]

I have been a working mom and now a stay at home mom. I will most likely be going back to work next year.

I know working moms and SAHMs and everyone is just doing the best they can.

Yes, there are judgy people. I just can’t be bothered and I simply don’t care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, OP, seems you haven’t been clear on which group you would like to avoid being part of or perceived to be part of by some other group (?). Can you clarify?

As a parent who has been SAH/WFH/WOH, my advice is to stop assuming all SAHs/WFHs/WOHs are all the same and stop caring what others think of you just because you are one of the above.

OP here. Let me be clearer: I do not want anyone to think I am a nanny-hating or daycare-hating SAHM because I SAH. I also do not want to get lectured by WOHMs about not thinking of my future or depending on my husband.

OP, say you’re at the playground talking to a WOHM and a SAHM. The SAHM does not have a trust fund and only has a BA in art history. What is your plan in this situation to show the WOHM you’re not “one of the crazies”?

You are totally bizarre. There is literally nothing in OPs post that could lead to a scenario like this.

Do you live in an imaginary world? Can you even read?

Can you read?????? Her post is about how she makes it clear to working moms that she’s not one of the crazy SAHM’s! Her plan right now seems to be to declare she has a trust fund and a degree in early childhood education. I’m wondering how that plays out in real life social situations given that most other SAHM’s don’t have those things.

NO, HER POST IS NOT ABOUT THAT AT ALL!!!

The trust fund and degree mentions are in place to fend off the WOHM crazies!!! How can you not see that?! It’s clear and OP stated it.

Are you the OP sock puppeting? If not, why are you making so many hysterical response posts full of exclamation points and ALL CAPS like this? Yes, it is obvious by the writing style that they are all you.

I swear this poster is a troll who starts so many threads like this. They write like a middle school child and abuse the word super.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, OP, seems you haven’t been clear on which group you would like to avoid being part of or perceived to be part of by some other group (?). Can you clarify?

As a parent who has been SAH/WFH/WOH, my advice is to stop assuming all SAHs/WFHs/WOHs are all the same and stop caring what others think of you just because you are one of the above.

OP here. Let me be clearer: I do not want anyone to think I am a nanny-hating or daycare-hating SAHM because I SAH. I also do not want to get lectured by WOHMs about not thinking of my future or depending on my husband.

You don’t need to worry because this stuff doesn’t happen in real life.

+2 I’ve stayed at home for years and have met tons of moms, and only 1 maybe 2 were anti-daycare crazies. For most women, the decision to stay at home is just a practical economic one because of the cost of day care or because their kid has some special needs that are easier to deal with if there is a SAHP.

[Anonymous]

Ignore dcum. You and your child are happy. That’s all that matters.

[Anonymous]

Would love the opportunity to be a SAHD for a few years, I say relish it while you can and stop worrying so much what other people might or might not perceive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM because I wanted to me and it made sense. I got my degree in Early Childhood Development and taught preschool so I’m actually trained for this. And I have a trust fund so I’m not dependent on my husband.

But on this forum and in real life, I don’t want to get lumped in with the crazies.

My favorite caregiver to hang out with at the park is a nanny. I see how amazing she is with her charge and my son. And obviously as a teacher, I see the benefit of group care. Neither are what I want or need at the moment.

Anyone else? I get so tired of the judgement and assumptions here (which means probably unspoken in real life).

My cousin is a nanny and has said that often moms won't interact with nannies

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM because I wanted to me and it made sense. I got my degree in Early Childhood Development and taught preschool so I’m actually trained for this. And I have a trust fund so I’m not dependent on my husband.

But on this forum and in real life, I don’t want to get lumped in with the crazies.

My favorite caregiver to hang out with at the park is a nanny. I see how amazing she is with her charge and my son. And obviously as a teacher, I see the benefit of group care. Neither are what I want or need at the moment.

Anyone else? I get so tired of the judgement and assumptions here (which means probably unspoken in real life).

My cousin is a nanny and has said that often moms won't interact with nannies

I’m a nanny and I’ve never had a problem interacting with mothers and their kids. I have a much harder time with the foreign nannies, actually. Some are just so exclusionary and downright rude.

[Anonymous]

You steer clear of the crazed moms, OP. The ones who call dropping your child off at daycare “throwing your child to the daycare wolves” and who think nannies are the real mothers. There are lots of normal SAHMs especially of young children.

But I do know what you mean. I don’t want anyone to think I’m like them either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, OP, seems you haven’t been clear on which group you would like to avoid being part of or perceived to be part of by some other group (?). Can you clarify?

As a parent who has been SAH/WFH/WOH, my advice is to stop assuming all SAHs/WFHs/WOHs are all the same and stop caring what others think of you just because you are one of the above.

OP here. Let me be clearer: I do not want anyone to think I am a nanny-hating or daycare-hating SAHM because I SAH. I also do not want to get lectured by WOHMs about not thinking of my future or depending on my husband.

You don’t need to worry because this stuff doesn’t happen in real life.

I have been a SAHM for 7 years and not one person has ever lectured me about not working.

Recently I have considered going back to work as my youngest will be starting kindergarten. After I mentioned work, two friends did express support about my going back to work but it was not a lecture.