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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here. Thank you for the helpful responses.

What is my next step here- I already found Al Anon meetings near us.

Do I confront him when he gets home from him work trip that I found this and he needs to get help?

Do I tell my in laws for support (I will be seeing them in the morning tomorrow without him)

Do I tell him now while he's gone that I found it

Do I leave the bottle and wait until I notice its gone[/quote]

I'm a DP and bumping this post in hopes "been there, done that" spouses can come back and advise OP on these detailed and important points. I don't feel qualified to answer these definitively other than to say that possibly Al-Anon could be a source for answers to these questions, if you can get to a meeting, online if needed, before he comes back. But do other PPs with real advice (and not just criticism of OP, or the useless "it's an affair!" parrots) want to help OP out with these? [/quote]

I would wait until he returns. I would talk to him before his parents. But, you also need to be really clear on where you are at. Is this “please stop and I will help you” or “please move out and get sober” or something else. I don’t think OP has wrapped her head around the seriousness of this yet at all. As someone who spent four years with an addict years ago, my response would be much firmer/harsher and would definitely include moving out ASAP. But I went through four years of hell long ago to get to that point. I also seriously wonder if his parents will ever be helpful. This crap runs in families fairly often along with the enablement.[/quote]

another BTDT person - I stayed with my ex through 2 trips through rehab over 5 years but after he left for the 3rd I didnt let him move back home, and now we are divorced.  I agree with PP that you need to be clear on where you are at, and recognize the seriousness of this.  If you just go at is as ‘talking about it’ he will weasel his way out.  And you cant ‘demand’ anything - you can only give him options, like ‘either go to a 30-day inpatient program + aftercare and I will support you any way I can, or move out.’. ultimately he needs to make the decision himself.  As far as his parents, I would say only bring them in if you are pretty sure they will agree he has a problem and support him and you in rehab.  my ex-ILs made all sorts of ridiculous suggestions and rationalizations and were not helpful, until after round 3 when I put them on the phone with an addiction specialist who gave them a very painful medical lesson… but if they would have backed me up, they would have been helpful in so many ways (including while I was trying to single parent young kids who came home one day to find daddy gone away for a month)

lastly - i havent gone back to the OP to see if you have kids, but if your position is ‘rehab or move out,’ I recommend consulting a divorce lawyer who specializes in addictions while he’s gone. that was the best thing I did in this whole nightmare, bar none.  when he came back from rehab #2 we did a post-nup - it is essentially a legal agreement that enacts in the event you separate.  because he was committed to saving the marriage (as was I at the time), we were able to set terms for monitoring his sobriety when he had custody of the kids (i.e, he was willing to agree to show me his commitment and in the hopes it would never come to pass).  So after the 3rd rehab (not the last relapse, sadly) when we started divorce proceedings, he had already committed to various protective measures like not driving the kids in a car without an intoxilock and taking regular breathalyzers.  it gives me SO much comfort when they are with him.[/quote]

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