Step children and family rules

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. And I'm not saying OP's parents should take the step-grandchildren to Paris. I'm just saying that comparing their relationship with their step-grandkids to the ex-wife's parents' relationship to the OP's kids is not a good comparison at all.

I agree. Their daughter is not parenting these children. I still don't think they have to be taken to Paris-- really, four teenagers is a lot for an older couple!-- but it's not the same.

Seeking sameness in a "blended" family is stupid and counterproductive. And they're already being treated differently because OP has tried to keep her parents from visiting when the stepkids are there.

Reasons why I kept my parents away from my step kids: when the kids were younger, dh and I hosted Christmas Eve so we can have dinner and open presents. My parents got my kids the most lavish gifts and my step kids a baby doll and pjs. I gave my parents so many chances and with the same shitty gifts every year. I stopped inviting them to dinner period. My dh is a peaceful person and wants all of us to get along. I get along with my step kids mom because we both love the kids. Dh makes time for all our kids together and individual, I take my youngest to dinner while dh takes the oldest shopping. We are very close and my parents are never happy for some reason. My step kids actually look more like me than my own kids and when I am asked how many kids do I have? Always four not two!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, this sounds like an affair situation.

OP here,

Dh and I were childhood friends. Dh brother set us on a blind date after his divorce. My parents are old school and just cautious in general. My step kids are sweet kids and it just upsets me to the end how indifferent my parents act towards them.

They are step-grandkids, not grandkids. It does sound like you moved very quickly. You are very demanding of your parents. You have four kids and you need to support them and stop demanding others do it. There is no way to treat all these kids equally as they have two different sets of parents.

OP doesn’t want to treat them equally.

Her stepkids are allowed to have a relationship with their maternal grandparents without her kids.

Her daughters are not allowed to travel with their grandparents unless their half sisters tag along.

That is not fair and it sure as hell isn’t equal. OP is using her kids as pawns to get her parents to fund her lifestyle. That is such terrible parenting, I just can’t. This is why blended families are so hard. OP is so impossibly immature, it’s hard to believe she’s old enough to have children.

It absolutely is not about the kids and is about op and her greed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. And I'm not saying OP's parents should take the step-grandchildren to Paris. I'm just saying that comparing their relationship with their step-grandkids to the ex-wife's parents' relationship to the OP's kids is not a good comparison at all.

I agree. Their daughter is not parenting these children. I still don't think they have to be taken to Paris-- really, four teenagers is a lot for an older couple!-- but it's not the same.

Seeking sameness in a "blended" family is stupid and counterproductive. And they're already being treated differently because OP has tried to keep her parents from visiting when the stepkids are there.

Reasons why I kept my parents away from my step kids: when the kids were younger, dh and I hosted Christmas Eve so we can have dinner and open presents. My parents got my kids the most lavish gifts and my step kids a baby doll and pjs. I gave my parents so many chances and with the same shitty gifts every year. I stopped inviting them to dinner period. My dh is a peaceful person and wants all of us to get along. I get along with my step kids mom because we both love the kids. Dh makes time for all our kids together and individual, I take my youngest to dinner while dh takes the oldest shopping. We are very close and my parents are never happy for some reason. My step kids actually look more like me than my own kids and when I am asked how many kids do I have? Always four not two!

You have two kids and two stepkids. These kids have a mom and you are not the mom. These kids have two sets of grandparents. Then getting pjs and a doll are very nice gifts. They also get gifts at their mom and her family. Your kids and stepkids will never get equal as they have two different sets of parents. Your kids probably get less as stepkids get from two homes. You are wrong.

And, as a stepparent, I can tell you you need to back off and stop making everything about you. These kids need time alone with their dad without your interference. They need 1-1 time and not just parented as a group as your kids probably get that when these kids are with their mom. Your kids should get to go and if it dads time, he can then do something special with them. You don’t get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given that you have children 2 years apart from the stepkids, and the stepkids were 2 and 4, when your kids were born their continued insistence to treat them differently is odd. I would continue to set the boundaries your currently have.

This. That being said, they have their own grandparents.

Now, I’m really curious. Have the stepdaughters ever gone on a trip with their maternal grandparents without your daughters?

Every time this issue comes up on DCUM, the questions above are raised. The OPs never answer because the answer is always that the other maternal grand parents don’t do anything. Badgering your parents to treat children who aren’t biologically theirs is wrong. If you’re going to continue down the path of forcing them to have relationships with the step kids, then you need to start getting ugly about your step childrens’ maternal grand parents and how they ignore your biological children. That’s really the only way to be completely fair to everyone.

OP here,

My step kids maternal grandparents live in a different state, dh and mine live 30 minutes away from us. Step kids visit out of state grandparents on holidays and summer break. My kids have no contact with them, because it's long distance and they have my parents locally. I am not forcing anyone on my parents. I am asking for fair treatments period. The other set of grandparents are not financially set to be pay for expensive trips and etc.

Wait. So the step kids go visit their grandparents without your bio kids?? But you won’t let your bio kids visit your parents unless their step sibs are included?? That’s not fair at all!

I disagree. It is not a good comparison. The OP's parents' step grandchildren are their son-in-law's children. Assuming they love their son-in-law, they should treat his children well, too. The ex-wife's parents wouldn't treat the OP's children the same way. Her children are their ex-son-in-law's kids. Why would they treat their ex-son-in-law's kids the same way as someone would treat their current son-in-law's kids? Also, the OP's step kids have been in her home 50% of the time for 10 years. Presumably, her parents would know these kids fairly well. The ex-wife's parents would not have any reason to know the OP's children. It's not like they are in their daughter's house ever.

Interesting.

It’s almost like you’re saying the stepkids and bio kids have different sets of grandparents and they have a different relationship with them? And that’s okay!!??!!!

That is very interesting.

No, I don't think you understand what I'm saying.

You are saying it’s ok stepkids get from mom and her parents things your kids don’t get which is not equal but you keep demanding more and more from your parents who are not the grandparents. They respect boundaries. You do not. These kids get gifts from both parents in two homes. Yours do not. Your kids get less. These kids are not your parents responsibility. They got the kids a nice gift and instead of you being grateful, you demand more. Why can’t you buy them more to make things equal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah that’s pretty terrible. I have a 15 year old DSS and am very lucky that my parents treat him totally equally (down to putting the same amount in his 529 as for their biological grandkids).

I would hold firm.

OP here,

My parents are wealthy and they have money set up for college for my kids only. I am only child and they do spoil my kids rotten but I just will love all kids to be included on a holiday trip. It's weird to separate them. My husband parents are really nice and fair with all kids. Ex-wife parents live in a different state. I want all my kids to have nice vacation, money for college and normal childhood experiences. My parents are 65 and 68 years old, excellent health and retired.

The difference between your parents and your husband’s parents is that biologically all the children are your husband’s. If the step children have biological maternal grandparents, then they already have two sets of grandparents. Your children also have two sets. I would not expect your parents to provide college money and vacations for your step children who already have their own grandparents.

And if OP had adopted kids, they wouldn’t be “biologically related either,” so in your world, they would deserve to be treated as second class citizens. Nice.

We adopted and I have step kids. They have different sets of families, understand it and some intermix and some don't. OP is greedy. This is what she wants. If she wants this, she should get another job to pay for it instead of expecting her parents to financially support four kids. There is a big difference between two kids and four. With two kids, they need one hotel room, one rental car, etc.

Your husband's parents are grandparents to all these kids.

Your husband's kids have two parents and two sets of grandparents. You are overstepping.

These kids need you to back off and let them have a week of spring break that is centered around their Dad. You go do your thing or each of you take a kid and let them have alone time with their Dad. That is far more valuable than a trip to Europe they will barely remember.

I wish OP would read this. She’s sabotaging her kid’s relationship with their grandparents AND getting in the way of her stepkids relationship with their dad. What a mess. What a huge mess. All because she wants her parents to fund her lifestyle? SMH

She is using the kids to control her parents and how much money they give. The grandparents should just say fine and back off. I have a nut job step DIL who would try to demand money to let us talk to her husband and when we did not pay up she cut off contact. If he is not man enough to have a relationship, their loss. She demanded expensive gifts for the baby and nothing we did was good enough and never a thank you. We have kids older and had stuff in like new condition and she refused it all. Years later they are divorcing after she had an affair. Good riddance.

You are hurting your kids by teaching them to control people through money and they will do the same to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar dynamic in my family of origin. "My" grandparents' rejection certainly hurt me but it was my parents' acceptance of their behavior that really cut me to my core. Teens are still vulnerable and need as much love and support that you can provide. Do what's best for your children even if that may not be what's best for your parents.

This. I'm with you OP and I love how protective you are of your stepkids.It's inappropriate of your parents to do that. In my family my mother plays favorites with her biological grandchildren and it's disgusting and we keep our kids shielded from it.

[Anonymous]

Life is unfair and inequitable. When there are second marriages and step children and half siblings, the inequities will be present within the family.

Your step children have two sets of grandparents.
Your children have two sets of grandparents.

They share one set. They do not share the other set.

All four girls are extremely lucky to have two sets of grandparents who are active in their lives. That is a blessing many children do not have.

I think it is fair for you and your DH to treat all your children the same in your house. I do not think it is fair for you to expect the unshared set of grandparents to treat all four girls the same. If you and DH were to divorce, you are unlikely to stay as close to them and you certainly would not have any custody rights. You are an important adult in their life, but you are not their mother.

You are extremely lucky to have so much help from your parents for your two children. That is rare, even on DCUM.

Navigating combined families can be difficult. Sometimes it is good to get outside independent advice to help you navigate the things that arise and to help you reframe your perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Thank you everyone! I am glad some of you believe that my parents are playing favorites with the kids. A little background on my family.

My parents respect my husband but they didn't not approve that we got married and had kids back to back, dh and I are working to support our kids, we don't need my parents money, never ask or received cash, my parents set up college found for my kids only, and they are planning to leave their estate to my kids on their 25 birthday. My step kids mom is a kind person and we all get along. My dh and I are saving college money for my stepkids, we pay for activities and just normal things kids need. My parents are paying for college, piano lessons,mini summer vacations and summer camp. I am a fair with my parents, they spend time with their grandkids but it seem so unfair to my step kids. It's not the same opportunity and my 12 year finally said something.

I didn't make my daughter choose between her sisters or her grandparents.
She's smart and she knows everything is not divided equally.

Sorry but you’re crazy if you think your parents owe your step kids college tuition money or part of their estate.

Of course it’s not the same opportunity. Millions of kids have less opportunity than yours, and millions have more. If your step kids dad wanted them to have a bigger inheritance, he should have either married a woman with richer parents or taken a career that would allow him to leave a big inheritance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. And I'm not saying OP's parents should take the step-grandchildren to Paris. I'm just saying that comparing their relationship with their step-grandkids to the ex-wife's parents' relationship to the OP's kids is not a good comparison at all.

I agree. Their daughter is not parenting these children. I still don't think they have to be taken to Paris-- really, four teenagers is a lot for an older couple!-- but it's not the same.

Seeking sameness in a "blended" family is stupid and counterproductive. And they're already being treated differently because OP has tried to keep her parents from visiting when the stepkids are there.

Reasons why I kept my parents away from my step kids: when the kids were younger, dh and I hosted Christmas Eve so we can have dinner and open presents. My parents got my kids the most lavish gifts and my step kids a baby doll and pjs. I gave my parents so many chances and with the same shitty gifts every year. I stopped inviting them to dinner period. My dh is a peaceful person and wants all of us to get along. I get along with my step kids mom because we both love the kids. Dh makes time for all our kids together and individual, I take my youngest to dinner while dh takes the oldest shopping. We are very close and my parents are never happy for some reason. My step kids actually look more like me than my own kids and when I am asked how many kids do I have? Always four not two!

Okay. Sounds like good reasons. But the time to take a stand about equality was BACK THEN. It's baffling that you think you can tolerate inequality and keep people apart from each other for years and years and then all of a sudden your parents will want to take your stepkids on an expensive trip. You spent years teaching them that a distant relationship was what you wanted. They're not going to do a U-turn all of a sudden! You need to work on accepting them as they are and not deprive your daughters of this trip because you're being completely unrealistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That crazy, they've known one of these girls since she was 2! She doesn't remember her life before them! How heartless. Regardless, you should let the girls take the trip and take them somewhere else, like the beach. Maybe something older girls will enjoy more, like New York. I'm sorry.

And you got knocked up by a guy who had a one and 3 year old. Gross

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah that’s pretty terrible. I have a 15 year old DSS and am very lucky that my parents treat him totally equally (down to putting the same amount in his 529 as for their biological grandkids).

I would hold firm.

OP here,

My parents are wealthy and they have money set up for college for my kids only. I am only child and they do spoil my kids rotten but I just will love all kids to be included on a holiday trip. It's weird to separate them. My husband parents are really nice and fair with all kids. Ex-wife parents live in a different state. I want all my kids to have nice vacation, money for college and normal childhood experiences. My parents are 65 and 68 years old, excellent health and retired.

That sounds nice and all, but I’m thinking of my two children and how hard it is to find common things that they both like for a week for mine in elementary and mine in high school. You are asking a lot of the grandparents to take 4 kids to Paris.

OP here,

The trip to Paris is just one example, tickets to concert, and other high end activities they always exclude my step kids. My dh and I have try to be nice and not set boundaries with my parents, but this trip was just the end of it.
I will allowed my 10 year old daughter to go with my parents and my dh and I will plan a different vacation for the three kids. My 12 year old refused completely. She wants to vacation with her sisters.

Her half sisters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah that’s pretty terrible. I have a 15 year old DSS and am very lucky that my parents treat him totally equally (down to putting the same amount in his 529 as for their biological grandkids).

I would hold firm.

OP here,

My parents are wealthy and they have money set up for college for my kids only. I am only child and they do spoil my kids rotten but I just will love all kids to be included on a holiday trip. It's weird to separate them. My husband parents are really nice and fair with all kids. Ex-wife parents live in a different state. I want all my kids to have nice vacation, money for college and normal childhood experiences. My parents are 65 and 68 years old, excellent health and retired.

That sounds nice and all, but I’m thinking of my two children and how hard it is to find common things that they both like for a week for mine in elementary and mine in high school. You are asking a lot of the grandparents to take 4 kids to Paris.

OP here,

The trip to Paris is just one example, tickets to concert, and other high end activities they always exclude my step kids. My dh and I have try to be nice and not set boundaries with my parents, but this trip was just the end of it.
I will allowed my 10 year old daughter to go with my parents and my dh and I will plan a different vacation for the three kids. My 12 year old refused completely. She wants to vacation with her sisters.

Her half sisters.

They are her half sisters but not your parents grandkids. How do you deal with the inequality that your stepkids have two homes and two sets of things and get stuff from moms relatives that they don’t get. You are greedy and teaching your kids really bad behavior.

Offer to pay the plane tickets, extra room, food and activities and go with them to help with four kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That crazy, they've known one of these girls since she was 2! She doesn't remember her life before them! How heartless. Regardless, you should let the girls take the trip and take them somewhere else, like the beach. Maybe something older girls will enjoy more, like New York. I'm sorry.

And you got knocked up by a guy who had a one and 3 year old. Gross

They were probably an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar dynamic in my family of origin. "My" grandparents' rejection certainly hurt me but it was my parents' acceptance of their behavior that really cut me to my core. Teens are still vulnerable and need as much love and support that you can provide. Do what's best for your children even if that may not be what's best for your parents.

This. I'm with you OP and I love how protective you are of your stepkids.It's inappropriate of your parents to do that. In my family my mother plays favorites with her biological grandchildren and it's disgusting and we keep our kids shielded from it.

My mom does this but not the same situation. Our response is not to take money or stuff but op takes a ton of money and demands more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That crazy, they've known one of these girls since she was 2! She doesn't remember her life before them! How heartless. Regardless, you should let the girls take the trip and take them somewhere else, like the beach. Maybe something older girls will enjoy more, like New York. I'm sorry.

And you got knocked up by a guy who had a one and 3 year old. Gross

They were probably an affair.

^ Yup. Explains OPs attempts to have a fairy tale family. Trying to minimize the guilt.