Step children and family rules

[Anonymous]

Did anyone ask the stepkids' mom if she'd allow them to travel overseas? This might be a moot issue if that is something she does not allow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are completely wrong.

While it's wonderful you treat them as your own daughters and feel a strong connection, you can't expect that from your parents.
As long as they're polite/nice with them, just let it go, you can't force them to love them.

I'd let them take your daughters to Paris and do something else with your husband's daughters. They are not owed anything by your parents, don't be jealous about the whole situation or you'll be unhappy for years ...

OP here,
Unfortunately, dh agrees also. I can't make my parents love them and treat the kids equally

Exactly. And I bet the girls, all of them, understand that. The more you make it an issue, the more of an issue it will become.

Legit question: Do you make your stepdaughters' mother take your daughters with her on trips? Do you make your stepdaughters' mother's parents take your girls with them on trips?

I think you need to back off. The important people for treating the girls equally are you and your husband. For everyone else, your goal should be that all the girls are treated with kindness and acceptance. I think on your current path that you're creating a problem that doesn't exist and the problem you're creating has the potential to blow your daughters' relationship apart.

I totally agree and I really don't understand why there's an expectation that OP's parents would want to be grandparents in this situation. It would be one thing if the stepkids didn't have other family/no mother through death or abandonment. But that's not the case at all. I would understand an objection to a trip if OP's plan for spring break was to all be together, but not to grandparents taking their grandkids on a trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah that’s pretty terrible. I have a 15 year old DSS and am very lucky that my parents treat him totally equally (down to putting the same amount in his 529 as for their biological grandkids).

I would hold firm.

OP here,

My parents are wealthy and they have money set up for college for my kids only. I am only child and they do spoil my kids rotten but I just will love all kids to be included on a holiday trip. It's weird to separate them. My husband parents are really nice and fair with all kids. Ex-wife parents live in a different state. I want all my kids to have nice vacation, money for college and normal childhood experiences. My parents are 65 and 68 years old, excellent health and retired.

The difference between your parents and your husband’s parents is that biologically all the children are your husband’s. If the step children have biological maternal grandparents, then they already have two sets of grandparents. Your children also have two sets. I would not expect your parents to provide college money and vacations for your step children who already have their own grandparents.

And if OP had adopted kids, they wouldn’t be “biologically related either,” so in your world, they would deserve to be treated as second class citizens. Nice.

We adopted and I have step kids. They have different sets of families, understand it and some intermix and some don't. OP is greedy. This is what she wants. If she wants this, she should get another job to pay for it instead of expecting her parents to financially support four kids. There is a big difference between two kids and four. With two kids, they need one hotel room, one rental car, etc.

Your husband's parents are grandparents to all these kids.

Your husband's kids have two parents and two sets of grandparents. You are overstepping.

These kids need you to back off and let them have a week of spring break that is centered around their Dad. You go do your thing or each of you take a kid and let them have alone time with their Dad. That is far more valuable than a trip to Europe they will barely remember.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are completely wrong.

While it's wonderful you treat them as your own daughters and feel a strong connection, you can't expect that from your parents.
As long as they're polite/nice with them, just let it go, you can't force them to love them.

I'd let them take your daughters to Paris and do something else with your husband's daughters. They are not owed anything by your parents, don't be jealous about the whole situation or you'll be unhappy for years ...

OP here,
Unfortunately, dh agrees also. I can't make my parents love them and treat the kids equally

Exactly. And I bet the girls, all of them, understand that. The more you make it an issue, the more of an issue it will become.

Legit question: Do you make your stepdaughters' mother take your daughters with her on trips? Do you make your stepdaughters' mother's parents take your girls with them on trips?

I think you need to back off. The important people for treating the girls equally are you and your husband. For everyone else, your goal should be that all the girls are treated with kindness and acceptance. I think on your current path that you're creating a problem that doesn't exist and the problem you're creating has the potential to blow your daughters' relationship apart.

I totally agree and I really don't understand why there's an expectation that OP's parents would want to be grandparents in this situation. It would be one thing if the stepkids didn't have other family/no mother through death or abandonment. But that's not the case at all. I would understand an objection to a trip if OP's plan for spring break was to all be together, but not to grandparents taking their grandkids on a trip.

Its one thing for the grandparents to get them a few holiday presents or a birthday present but she is expecting her parents to pay for college, trips, activities and that's not reasonable. That is the parents responsibility and a bonus if the grandparents help. But, since grandparents are paying for her kids, she can step up and pay for the step kids. Problem solved.

Even if all four were equal grandkids, it makes sense to take two and two, not four. Four is a lot of kids. OP should at least offer to pay for the tickets, hotel room and extra expenses for two extra kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, this sounds like an affair situation.

OP here,

Dh and I were childhood friends. Dh brother set us on a blind date after his divorce. My parents are old school and just cautious in general. My step kids are sweet kids and it just upsets me to the end how indifferent my parents act towards them.

They are step-grandkids, not grandkids. It does sound like you moved very quickly. You are very demanding of your parents. You have four kids and you need to support them and stop demanding others do it. There is no way to treat all these kids equally as they have two different sets of parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, this sounds like an affair situation.

OP here,

Dh and I were childhood friends. Dh brother set us on a blind date after his divorce. My parents are old school and just cautious in general. My step kids are sweet kids and it just upsets me to the end how indifferent my parents act towards them.

They are step-grandkids, not grandkids. It does sound like you moved very quickly. You are very demanding of your parents. You have four kids and you need to support them and stop demanding others do it. There is no way to treat all these kids equally as they have two different sets of parents.

OP doesn’t want to treat them equally.

Her stepkids are allowed to have a relationship with their maternal grandparents without her kids.

Her daughters are not allowed to travel with their grandparents unless their half sisters tag along.

That is not fair and it sure as hell isn’t equal. OP is using her kids as pawns to get her parents to fund her lifestyle. That is such terrible parenting, I just can’t. This is why blended families are so hard. OP is so impossibly immature, it’s hard to believe she’s old enough to have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think his parents should have to trea them all equally when those kids have grandparents yours don’t. Let the kids go and let stepkids have some 1-1 time alone with their Dad.

Ha! Like OP would EVER let those girls have alone time with their dad. Don’t you understand they are FAMILY?

[Anonymous]

OP, the ship has sailed! They don't have a relationship with your stepkids because you have intentionally kept them apart. It sounds like you need to take responsibility for your parenting choice to do that. YOU treated the kids differently by giving your bio kids more time with your parents than your stepkids got. YOU chose for them not to build a relationship. So stop pointing the finger at your parents. You're the one who chose this and let it go on for years and years.

You need to get real. Your parents are not going to turn on a dime and suddenly be attentive grandparents to children you haven't facilitated them spending time with. And you shouldn't expect life to be easy when you marry a man and get pregnant before the ink is dry on his divorce. It's entirely reasonable that your parents would have some skepticism here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah that’s pretty terrible. I have a 15 year old DSS and am very lucky that my parents treat him totally equally (down to putting the same amount in his 529 as for their biological grandkids).

I would hold firm.

OP here,

My parents are wealthy and they have money set up for college for my kids only. I am only child and they do spoil my kids rotten but I just will love all kids to be included on a holiday trip. It's weird to separate them. My husband parents are really nice and fair with all kids. Ex-wife parents live in a different state. I want all my kids to have nice vacation, money for college and normal childhood experiences. My parents are 65 and 68 years old, excellent health and retired.

The difference between your parents and your husband’s parents is that biologically all the children are your husband’s. If the step children have biological maternal grandparents, then they already have two sets of grandparents. Your children also have two sets. I would not expect your parents to provide college money and vacations for your step children who already have their own grandparents.

And if OP had adopted kids, they wouldn’t be “biologically related either,” so in your world, they would deserve to be treated as second class citizens. Nice.

We adopted and I have step kids. They have different sets of families, understand it and some intermix and some don't. OP is greedy. This is what she wants. If she wants this, she should get another job to pay for it instead of expecting her parents to financially support four kids. There is a big difference between two kids and four. With two kids, they need one hotel room, one rental car, etc.

Your husband's parents are grandparents to all these kids.

Your husband's kids have two parents and two sets of grandparents. You are overstepping.

These kids need you to back off and let them have a week of spring break that is centered around their Dad. You go do your thing or each of you take a kid and let them have alone time with their Dad. That is far more valuable than a trip to Europe they will barely remember.

I wish OP would read this. She’s sabotaging her kid’s relationship with their grandparents AND getting in the way of her stepkids relationship with their dad. What a mess. What a huge mess. All because she wants her parents to fund her lifestyle? SMH

[Anonymous]

Well, the DCUM bullies are out in full-force today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given that you have children 2 years apart from the stepkids, and the stepkids were 2 and 4, when your kids were born their continued insistence to treat them differently is odd. I would continue to set the boundaries your currently have.

This. That being said, they have their own grandparents.

Now, I’m really curious. Have the stepdaughters ever gone on a trip with their maternal grandparents without your daughters?

Every time this issue comes up on DCUM, the questions above are raised. The OPs never answer because the answer is always that the other maternal grand parents don’t do anything. Badgering your parents to treat children who aren’t biologically theirs is wrong. If you’re going to continue down the path of forcing them to have relationships with the step kids, then you need to start getting ugly about your step childrens’ maternal grand parents and how they ignore your biological children. That’s really the only way to be completely fair to everyone.

OP here,

My step kids maternal grandparents live in a different state, dh and mine live 30 minutes away from us. Step kids visit out of state grandparents on holidays and summer break. My kids have no contact with them, because it's long distance and they have my parents locally. I am not forcing anyone on my parents. I am asking for fair treatments period. The other set of grandparents are not financially set to be pay for expensive trips and etc.

Wait. So the step kids go visit their grandparents without your bio kids?? But you won’t let your bio kids visit your parents unless their step sibs are included?? That’s not fair at all!

I disagree. It is not a good comparison. The OP's parents' step grandchildren are their son-in-law's children. Assuming they love their son-in-law, they should treat his children well, too. The ex-wife's parents wouldn't treat the OP's children the same way. Her children are their ex-son-in-law's kids. Why would they treat their ex-son-in-law's kids the same way as someone would treat their current son-in-law's kids? Also, the OP's step kids have been in her home 50% of the time for 10 years. Presumably, her parents would know these kids fairly well. The ex-wife's parents would not have any reason to know the OP's children. It's not like they are in their daughter's house ever.

[Anonymous]

PP here. And I'm not saying OP's parents should take the step-grandchildren to Paris. I'm just saying that comparing their relationship with their step-grandkids to the ex-wife's parents' relationship to the OP's kids is not a good comparison at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. And I'm not saying OP's parents should take the step-grandchildren to Paris. I'm just saying that comparing their relationship with their step-grandkids to the ex-wife's parents' relationship to the OP's kids is not a good comparison at all.

I agree. Their daughter is not parenting these children. I still don't think they have to be taken to Paris-- really, four teenagers is a lot for an older couple!-- but it's not the same.

Seeking sameness in a "blended" family is stupid and counterproductive. And they're already being treated differently because OP has tried to keep her parents from visiting when the stepkids are there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given that you have children 2 years apart from the stepkids, and the stepkids were 2 and 4, when your kids were born their continued insistence to treat them differently is odd. I would continue to set the boundaries your currently have.

This. That being said, they have their own grandparents.

Now, I’m really curious. Have the stepdaughters ever gone on a trip with their maternal grandparents without your daughters?

Every time this issue comes up on DCUM, the questions above are raised. The OPs never answer because the answer is always that the other maternal grand parents don’t do anything. Badgering your parents to treat children who aren’t biologically theirs is wrong. If you’re going to continue down the path of forcing them to have relationships with the step kids, then you need to start getting ugly about your step childrens’ maternal grand parents and how they ignore your biological children. That’s really the only way to be completely fair to everyone.

OP here,

My step kids maternal grandparents live in a different state, dh and mine live 30 minutes away from us. Step kids visit out of state grandparents on holidays and summer break. My kids have no contact with them, because it's long distance and they have my parents locally. I am not forcing anyone on my parents. I am asking for fair treatments period. The other set of grandparents are not financially set to be pay for expensive trips and etc.

Wait. So the step kids go visit their grandparents without your bio kids?? But you won’t let your bio kids visit your parents unless their step sibs are included?? That’s not fair at all!

I disagree. It is not a good comparison. The OP's parents' step grandchildren are their son-in-law's children. Assuming they love their son-in-law, they should treat his children well, too. The ex-wife's parents wouldn't treat the OP's children the same way. Her children are their ex-son-in-law's kids. Why would they treat their ex-son-in-law's kids the same way as someone would treat their current son-in-law's kids? Also, the OP's step kids have been in her home 50% of the time for 10 years. Presumably, her parents would know these kids fairly well. The ex-wife's parents would not have any reason to know the OP's children. It's not like they are in their daughter's house ever.

Interesting.

It’s almost like you’re saying the stepkids and bio kids have different sets of grandparents and they have a different relationship with them? And that’s okay!!??!!!

That is very interesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given that you have children 2 years apart from the stepkids, and the stepkids were 2 and 4, when your kids were born their continued insistence to treat them differently is odd. I would continue to set the boundaries your currently have.

This. That being said, they have their own grandparents.

Now, I’m really curious. Have the stepdaughters ever gone on a trip with their maternal grandparents without your daughters?

Every time this issue comes up on DCUM, the questions above are raised. The OPs never answer because the answer is always that the other maternal grand parents don’t do anything. Badgering your parents to treat children who aren’t biologically theirs is wrong. If you’re going to continue down the path of forcing them to have relationships with the step kids, then you need to start getting ugly about your step childrens’ maternal grand parents and how they ignore your biological children. That’s really the only way to be completely fair to everyone.

OP here,

My step kids maternal grandparents live in a different state, dh and mine live 30 minutes away from us. Step kids visit out of state grandparents on holidays and summer break. My kids have no contact with them, because it's long distance and they have my parents locally. I am not forcing anyone on my parents. I am asking for fair treatments period. The other set of grandparents are not financially set to be pay for expensive trips and etc.

Wait. So the step kids go visit their grandparents without your bio kids?? But you won’t let your bio kids visit your parents unless their step sibs are included?? That’s not fair at all!

I disagree. It is not a good comparison. The OP's parents' step grandchildren are their son-in-law's children. Assuming they love their son-in-law, they should treat his children well, too. The ex-wife's parents wouldn't treat the OP's children the same way. Her children are their ex-son-in-law's kids. Why would they treat their ex-son-in-law's kids the same way as someone would treat their current son-in-law's kids? Also, the OP's step kids have been in her home 50% of the time for 10 years. Presumably, her parents would know these kids fairly well. The ex-wife's parents would not have any reason to know the OP's children. It's not like they are in their daughter's house ever.

Interesting.

It’s almost like you’re saying the stepkids and bio kids have different sets of grandparents and they have a different relationship with them? And that’s okay!!??!!!

That is very interesting.

No, I don't think you understand what I'm saying.