How do you help a friend who in denial that her twins are totally ASD?

[Anonymous]

It's not your business.

Kindergarten will provide THEIR FAMILY more evidence on their development. They may behave like completely different kids next year ... or not. But it's not your place to "help."

[Anonymous]

Why are you being such a busybody, OP? What’s lacking in your life that you feel the need to meddle in others?

[Anonymous]

OP, I don’t hear you expressing any compassion towards these children, or their mother. I think that’s why you’ve gotten negative responses. You don’t seem well-intentioned, regardless of whether your suspicions are correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, you aren't a friend and leave them alone. Don't go diagnosing other people's kids. Reality is if they are high functioning, not much can be done, if they don't need ST or OT. You suggested an evaluation, she declined. She may also have them in services and just isn't telling you as she doesn't want your input.

+100

You're wrong about this. High functioning ASD kids actually show the most long term gains with ABA. But you're probably one of those people who think ABA is "offensive."

"Those people" who find aba offensive are autistic people who have been damaged by it.

Also, please remember to post your research when making claims.

- different poster

[Anonymous]

I sympathize OP. I have a kid on the spectrum, and I think my brother’s son may be too. He won’t even consider the possibility, even when our sister who is a pediatrician tried (gently) to suggest he be evaluated. There’s no public pre-k where they live so he won’t start school until 5. I assume the school will bring it up if something is going on, but I’m so sad my nephew will miss the opportunity for early intervention.

[Anonymous]

I think a major issue is the marketing around intervention. So much is made of the fact that autism cannot be ‘cured’ and - more lately - that you should not try to ‘cure’ it that it is hugely disincentivizing for anyone to get their kid evaluated bc evaluating a kid for asd to most people is just confirming something you can then do nothing about. So it makes sense they don’t want to. I see most people who want an eval just want an explanation for why parenting is so hard or why their child is upset or struggling. Or to get a school system to do xyz. So if you’re a person with means and feel like - even if it is asd what would I even do - it’s not that tempting to get eval. The shame is that we as a society haven’t done a better job of demonstrating a therapy for asd that actually really helps and would encourage parents to get eval. As it is the messaging is like - quick go get an evaluation! Ok your kid has asd - there not a lot you can do about that. Maybe speech? Aba makes you mean and ot is kind of bs. But yay for confirming your worst fears. I don’t mean to stoke division with this post but it is sort of true

[Anonymous]

And by person with means I mean you don’t have the incentive to force a public school to do an iep bc you’re in private

[Anonymous]

And for those who say an asd dx helps you understand your child better that’s also not true. Asd is now so broad (inflexible! Preferences! Kind of a little bit weird!) that it is a bit meaningless for many parents and just leaves you with more questions than answers. I’ll get off my soapbox now but I just wish someone would figure out the ‘and then what?’ For asd that matched the diagnostic fervor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, you aren't a friend and leave them alone. Don't go diagnosing other people's kids. Reality is if they are high functioning, not much can be done, if they don't need ST or OT. You suggested an evaluation, she declined. She may also have them in services and just isn't telling you as she doesn't want your input.

+100

You're wrong about this. High functioning ASD kids actually show the most long term gains with ABA. But you're probably one of those people who think ABA is "offensive."

"Those people" who find aba offensive are autistic people who have been damaged by it.

Also, please remember to post your research when making claims.

- different poster

+1, we tried it. It did no harm but it was not exactly what my child needed. The therapist was lovely and my child loved when she came. ABA in a high functioning child really doesn't make sense. It is for low-moderate functioning people who do need that push or to be forced to learn new skills and yes, can it seem abusive but when you are talking about severe ASD there are not a lot of good options out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And for those who say an asd dx helps you understand your child better that’s also not true. Asd is now so broad (inflexible! Preferences! Kind of a little bit weird!) that it is a bit meaningless for many parents and just leaves you with more questions than answers. I’ll get off my soapbox now but I just wish someone would figure out the ‘and then what?’ For asd that matched the diagnostic fervor

I think your post is crazy. It is good to have a diagnosis and helpful wrt accommodations and learning styles. My kid is on spectrum, and yes, with a different flavor than a lot of other kids on spectrum and the evaluation we had done taught us a lot about our kid and ways to work on the issues. It was not just about the diagnosis. It really was the beginning path to helping my kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And for those who say an asd dx helps you understand your child better that’s also not true. Asd is now so broad (inflexible! Preferences! Kind of a little bit weird!) that it is a bit meaningless for many parents and just leaves you with more questions than answers. I’ll get off my soapbox now but I just wish someone would figure out the ‘and then what?’ For asd that matched the diagnostic fervor

This is such hogwash. You've clearly never had your child evaluated. You do not know what you are talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And for those who say an asd dx helps you understand your child better that’s also not true. Asd is now so broad (inflexible! Preferences! Kind of a little bit weird!) that it is a bit meaningless for many parents and just leaves you with more questions than answers. I’ll get off my soapbox now but I just wish someone would figure out the ‘and then what?’ For asd that matched the diagnostic fervor

This is such hogwash. You've clearly never had your child evaluated. You do not know what you are talking about.

I did have him evaluated twice and both with different dx. Neither really helped us in any way bc he doesn’t need speech, and no one can agree whether he has asd or not and even if he does it isn’t a type of asd that has any obvious therapies
It isn’t always a case of having a dx leads to problem solving. These things are more art than science. There’s still so much we don’t understand about asd. We can’t even agree about aba! It’s no wonder parents aren’t rushing to get evals

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And for those who say an asd dx helps you understand your child better that’s also not true. Asd is now so broad (inflexible! Preferences! Kind of a little bit weird!) that it is a bit meaningless for many parents and just leaves you with more questions than answers. I’ll get off my soapbox now but I just wish someone would figure out the ‘and then what?’ For asd that matched the diagnostic fervor

I think your post is crazy. It is good to have a diagnosis and helpful wrt accommodations and learning styles. My kid is on spectrum, and yes, with a different flavor than a lot of other kids on spectrum and the evaluation we had done taught us a lot about our kid and ways to work on the issues. It was not just about the diagnosis. It really was the beginning path to helping my kid.

As I mentioned if you need dx for educational reasons (Eg you are in public and need iep or kid is having difficulty learning) that is different. But ops friends school hasn’t specified learning challenges that could only be accommodated with a dx

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, you aren't a friend and leave them alone. Don't go diagnosing other people's kids. Reality is if they are high functioning, not much can be done, if they don't need ST or OT. You suggested an evaluation, she declined. She may also have them in services and just isn't telling you as she doesn't want your input.

+100

You're wrong about this. High functioning ASD kids actually show the most long term gains with ABA. But you're probably one of those people who think ABA is "offensive."

"Those people" who find aba offensive are autistic people who have been damaged by it.

Also, please remember to post your research when making claims.

- different poster

+1, we tried it. It did no harm but it was not exactly what my child needed. The therapist was lovely and my child loved when she came. ABA in a high functioning child really doesn't make sense. It is for low-moderate functioning people who do need that push or to be forced to learn new skills and yes, can it seem abusive but when you are talking about severe ASD there are not a lot of good options out there.

-1 there are different approaches to ABA, and more *formal* ABA might be better for moderate/severe, but we’ve done a ABA for our Level 1 kiddo, and it was incredible. Also, he loved his therapist. People learn a little bit, have a single experience, and dump on an incredible, helpful therapy. Don’t get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And for those who say an asd dx helps you understand your child better that’s also not true. Asd is now so broad (inflexible! Preferences! Kind of a little bit weird!) that it is a bit meaningless for many parents and just leaves you with more questions than answers. I’ll get off my soapbox now but I just wish someone would figure out the ‘and then what?’ For asd that matched the diagnostic fervor

This is such hogwash. You've clearly never had your child evaluated. You do not know what you are talking about.

+100. I sympathize with the complaint about “and then what” in the private therapy space, especially for our mildly-affected tween (who is “inflexible” and might be described as “kind of a little bit weird”), but our public school has provided OT, speech therapy, and a social skills group; has given DC special consideration when forming classes and assigning teachers; and gives DC’s teachers credit for the extra work they do with him. The diagnosis has changed how his parents, sibling, friends, and extended family relate to him, all in the direction of being more accepting and accommodating. Most important, it’s transformed DC’s own understanding of himself. He now sees himself as part of a group, rather than a one-off aberration, and that has greatly reduced his anxiety and general distress.

Also regarding “and then what,” I’m reading “Navigating Autism” right now (Grandin/Moore). It’s extremely dry and practical and I have found it quite helpful for thinking through the “and then what” question.