How do you help a friend who in denial that her twins are totally ASD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The responses to this query seem a bit unhinged. This woman is absolutely my friend and I've spent enough time with her and her children to be confident about "my diagnosis." We've been friends for almost a year and I regularly see her for playdates and to get out of the house. I never mentioned anything to her until she brought it up TO ME after the preschool teacher mentioned it; in the back of my mind I always knew it would come up and when the teacher mentioned it I was surprised by her complete denial.

I'm sorry, but the other adults around a child DO have a duty to them, to a certain extent. I'm not going to mention it to her unless she brings it up first but I was a little surprised when this other preschool apparently had no issue with them and their obvious developmental disorder. I just got the vibe that the school wanted their money and would flag the issue later, after the check cleared.

You’re being really really unkind about these children and that’s driving the comments. You refer to them as “humping” playground equipment and as having an “obvious developmental disorder” and just generally sound incredibly full of dislike and distaste for these poor kids. It’s disturbing. Look, they’re 4. They’ll go to kindergarten in a year and the teacher will have to bring it up if necessary. Kids with developmental disorders that impair their development to the point they can’t function are placed in special education. So, why don’t you just leave it? It’s a slow hard path for some people. They’re not missing out on much. If they are autistic, there’s no cure. So calm down.

ASD kids who hump do it as a stim. It's important to deal with that behavior since that's something pedos notice and can target the child because of it. I don't think it's offensive to point that out.

I know no asd kids who hump as a stim. And I know many.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The responses to this query seem a bit unhinged. This woman is absolutely my friend and I've spent enough time with her and her children to be confident about "my diagnosis." We've been friends for almost a year and I regularly see her for playdates and to get out of the house. I never mentioned anything to her until she brought it up TO ME after the preschool teacher mentioned it; in the back of my mind I always knew it would come up and when the teacher mentioned it I was surprised by her complete denial.

I'm sorry, but the other adults around a child DO have a duty to them, to a certain extent. I'm not going to mention it to her unless she brings it up first but I was a little surprised when this other preschool apparently had no issue with them and their obvious developmental disorder. I just got the vibe that the school wanted their money and would flag the issue later, after the check cleared.

You’re being really really unkind about these children and that’s driving the comments. You refer to them as “humping” playground equipment and as having an “obvious developmental disorder” and just generally sound incredibly full of dislike and distaste for these poor kids. It’s disturbing. Look, they’re 4. They’ll go to kindergarten in a year and the teacher will have to bring it up if necessary. Kids with developmental disorders that impair their development to the point they can’t function are placed in special education. So, why don’t you just leave it? It’s a slow hard path for some people. They’re not missing out on much. If they are autistic, there’s no cure. So calm down.

ASD kids who hump do it as a stim. It's important to deal with that behavior since that's something pedos notice and can target the child because of it. I don't think it's offensive to point that out.

I know no asd kids who hump as a stim. And I know many.

Google begs to differ

[Anonymous]

OP I know people are being harsh but I think you should examine why they are having a strong response.

I am the first PP and I will reiterate that the best way to support these kids is to support your friend, their mom. And also that you should recognize that your experience with them is much more limited than hers is, or even than the preschool teacher's. There is no way for you to be confident in your diagnosis. You are guessing what you would do in the same situation, but you are NOT in that situation. It is not your problem to solve, it's hers. If you care about her, and her kids, you will respect the boundary she is setting and not raise it again, and also withhold judgment on the whole matter.

I have a child who is considered NT and is not on the ASD spectrum. But she developed selective mutism when she was 3 and for the next few years continued to have this problem off and on. She also struggled to make eye contact with people outside her family and would often refuse to play on the playground or with other kids. And I had two people who were close to me, one of whom was my mom, who were convinced my kid was autistic. Just 100% convinced. I recognized there was an issue and had discussed it with teachers and with our pediatrician. But what these two people didn't know was that at home, DD was a happy, playful, confident, engaged kid who would talk your ear off. And knowing this, I was skeptical that she had ASD. And I was right. As her mom, I fought for her to get the right services for her actual problem because I love her and will do whatever it takes to make sure she gets what she needs. And it worked and while she continues to have social anxiety (and may always), we have tools for handling it and she no longer has selective mutism. These two people who were so convinced of their diagnosis were wrong, because they didn't have all the facts and they drew conclusions that could not possibly be drawn from what they knew.

So again: support your friend. Let her figure this out. You do not know the whole story based on observing the children a few hours a week in a public setting as a non-family member. You only know what the teacher said via what your friend told you, which means you don't actually know what the teacher said at all, and definitely don't know what the teacher thinks. You need to understand the limitations of your position. You can't diagnose these kids because you aren't their parents or their doctor or their teacher and you simply do not know enough about the situation to understand what is going on.

[Anonymous]

its hard to know with younger children. sometimes they really more or less grow out of it.

[Anonymous]

The fact of the matter is that if these kids have autism it will come out at some point. Yes the earlier the intervention the better but it doesnt seem like that will happen in this case. Parents can kick the can down the road as much as they want it doesnt change the truth of the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The responses to this query seem a bit unhinged. This woman is absolutely my friend and I've spent enough time with her and her children to be confident about "my diagnosis." We've been friends for almost a year and I regularly see her for playdates and to get out of the house. I never mentioned anything to her until she brought it up TO ME after the preschool teacher mentioned it; in the back of my mind I always knew it would come up and when the teacher mentioned it I was surprised by her complete denial.

I'm sorry, but the other adults around a child DO have a duty to them, to a certain extent. I'm not going to mention it to her unless she brings it up first but I was a little surprised when this other preschool apparently had no issue with them and their obvious developmental disorder. I just got the vibe that the school wanted their money and would flag the issue later, after the check cleared.

OP, you are so far over a boundary that it’s hard to comprehend your lack of understanding. MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, it took us forever to get an ASD diagnosis, and I really wish our kids' teachers would have brought this up. We had suspicions but were always dismissed by our ped, and our DS is very adept at masking, so it was hard to know because he is our first, and we didn't know that much about HFA and how it presents. I'm still actually very angry at the teachers at our fantastic preschool who SHOULD have brought this up. We didn't get a diagnosis until 4th grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The responses to this query seem a bit unhinged. This woman is absolutely my friend and I've spent enough time with her and her children to be confident about "my diagnosis." We've been friends for almost a year and I regularly see her for playdates and to get out of the house. I never mentioned anything to her until she brought it up TO ME after the preschool teacher mentioned it; in the back of my mind I always knew it would come up and when the teacher mentioned it I was surprised by her complete denial.

I'm sorry, but the other adults around a child DO have a duty to them, to a certain extent. I'm not going to mention it to her unless she brings it up first but I was a little surprised when this other preschool apparently had no issue with them and their obvious developmental disorder. I just got the vibe that the school wanted their money and would flag the issue later, after the check cleared.

OP, you are so far over a boundary that it’s hard to comprehend your lack of understanding. MYOB.

I never said I thought the kids had ASD and I never brought it up; whether I was unclear in my original post or you're deliberately misunderstanding me to assume the absolute worst (which is typical on this forum) the truth is I only suggested that an evaluation might be beneficial as a second opinion. In what world is that being "so far over a boundary?" The only lack of understanding here is yours, where you attribute malicious qualities to my post by virtue of my questioning, to an anonymous forum, her denial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it took us forever to get an ASD diagnosis, and I really wish our kids' teachers would have brought this up. We had suspicions but were always dismissed by our ped, and our DS is very adept at masking, so it was hard to know because he is our first, and we didn't know that much about HFA and how it presents. I'm still actually very angry at the teachers at our fantastic preschool who SHOULD have brought this up. We didn't get a diagnosis until 4th grade.

What were their symptoms?

[Anonymous]

Just listen and be her friend. It is easier for many to dismiss and be in denial until a school teacher brings it up. Daycare and preschool teachers might do milestone checks and suggest bringing things up at a check up, but tend to avoid anything that sounds like a diagnoses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I know people are being harsh but I think you should examine why they are having a strong response.

I am the first PP and I will reiterate that the best way to support these kids is to support your friend, their mom. And also that you should recognize that your experience with them is much more limited than hers is, or even than the preschool teacher's. There is no way for you to be confident in your diagnosis. You are guessing what you would do in the same situation, but you are NOT in that situation. It is not your problem to solve, it's hers. If you care about her, and her kids, you will respect the boundary she is setting and not raise it again, and also withhold judgment on the whole matter.

I have a child who is considered NT and is not on the ASD spectrum. But she developed selective mutism when she was 3 and for the next few years continued to have this problem off and on. She also struggled to make eye contact with people outside her family and would often refuse to play on the playground or with other kids. And I had two people who were close to me, one of whom was my mom, who were convinced my kid was autistic. Just 100% convinced. I recognized there was an issue and had discussed it with teachers and with our pediatrician. But what these two people didn't know was that at home, DD was a happy, playful, confident, engaged kid who would talk your ear off. And knowing this, I was skeptical that she had ASD. And I was right. As her mom, I fought for her to get the right services for her actual problem because I love her and will do whatever it takes to make sure she gets what she needs. And it worked and while she continues to have social anxiety (and may always), we have tools for handling it and she no longer has selective mutism. These two people who were so convinced of their diagnosis were wrong, because they didn't have all the facts and they drew conclusions that could not possibly be drawn from what they knew.

So again: support your friend. Let her figure this out. You do not know the whole story based on observing the children a few hours a week in a public setting as a non-family member. You only know what the teacher said via what your friend told you, which means you don't actually know what the teacher said at all, and definitely don't know what the teacher thinks. You need to understand the limitations of your position. You can't diagnose these kids because you aren't their parents or their doctor or their teacher and you simply do not know enough about the situation to understand what is going on.

Listen to this advice. My child is very different around us than others at times at that age and we'd have people like OP comment and it was very frustrating. We were addressing the concerns but didn't feel the need to share. Even so, sometimes there is no need to do anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The responses to this query seem a bit unhinged. This woman is absolutely my friend and I've spent enough time with her and her children to be confident about "my diagnosis." We've been friends for almost a year and I regularly see her for playdates and to get out of the house. I never mentioned anything to her until she brought it up TO ME after the preschool teacher mentioned it; in the back of my mind I always knew it would come up and when the teacher mentioned it I was surprised by her complete denial.

I'm sorry, but the other adults around a child DO have a duty to them, to a certain extent. I'm not going to mention it to her unless she brings it up first but I was a little surprised when this other preschool apparently had no issue with them and their obvious developmental disorder. I just got the vibe that the school wanted their money and would flag the issue later, after the check cleared.

OP, you are so far over a boundary that it’s hard to comprehend your lack of understanding. MYOB.

I never said I thought the kids had ASD and I never brought it up; whether I was unclear in my original post or you're deliberately misunderstanding me to assume the absolute worst (which is typical on this forum) the truth is I only suggested that an evaluation might be beneficial as a second opinion. In what world is that being "so far over a boundary?" The only lack of understanding here is yours, where you attribute malicious qualities to my post by virtue of my questioning, to an anonymous forum, her denial.

OP read your own post. Do your kids have SN and you are projecting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The responses to this query seem a bit unhinged. This woman is absolutely my friend and I've spent enough time with her and her children to be confident about "my diagnosis." We've been friends for almost a year and I regularly see her for playdates and to get out of the house. I never mentioned anything to her until she brought it up TO ME after the preschool teacher mentioned it; in the back of my mind I always knew it would come up and when the teacher mentioned it I was surprised by her complete denial.

I'm sorry, but the other adults around a child DO have a duty to them, to a certain extent. I'm not going to mention it to her unless she brings it up first but I was a little surprised when this other preschool apparently had no issue with them and their obvious developmental disorder. I just got the vibe that the school wanted their money and would flag the issue later, after the check cleared.

OP, you are so far over a boundary that it’s hard to comprehend your lack of understanding. MYOB.

I never said I thought the kids had ASD and I never brought it up; whether I was unclear in my original post or you're deliberately misunderstanding me to assume the absolute worst (which is typical on this forum) the truth is I only suggested that an evaluation might be beneficial as a second opinion. In what world is that being "so far over a boundary?" The only lack of understanding here is yours, where you attribute malicious qualities to my post by virtue of my questioning, to an anonymous forum, her denial.

NP: I don't think you're malicious, I just think you are deeply misguided. Even skilled evaluators often have trouble teasing apart what is going on with kids, and unless you are one of those evaluators and you are stealthily administering a neuropsych eval, you have no basis for being certain. It's fine for you to have a hunch. It's fine for you to share. your thoughts in response to a concern the other parent raised, but you should with the awareness that you know .001 of the situation. Some people don't share when their kid gets a diagnosis and they seek interventions because they don't want to deal with judgement and advice from those with a Ph.D. from google university.

[Anonymous]

This seems like more of an eccentric twin thing than an autism spectrum thing.

Honestly OP, you are out of your lane, and thought I suppose you mean well you are not informed, you opinion is not wanted, and knowing this woman "for a year" is negligible.

[Anonymous]

So a child can show all the textbook "symptoms" of autism but no one can notice it or talk about it without being "out of their lane" because the adults in the room are too triggered. Got it. The only people who know .001% of the situation are the people commenting here. These kids are textbook but even credentialed professionals should just shut up about it and mind their own business. Makes sense.