How do you help a friend who in denial that her twins are totally ASD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was a child like this at our preschool and our preschool teacher who I was very close to flat out said they mentioned it to the parents once and the parents got so pissed off they were scared to lose their job if they mentioned it again. Preschool teachers aren’t always going to do the “right thing “ because they can lose their jobs and unfortunately they’re not paid well. Years later our kids are in middle school together and the child is getting services. I guess the parents just didn’t want to see it at the time.

Well, part of doing the right thing in this context is acknowledging that parents are the people who make the decisions about evaluation and treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The responses to this query seem a bit unhinged. This woman is absolutely my friend and I've spent enough time with her and her children to be confident about "my diagnosis." We've been friends for almost a year and I regularly see her for playdates and to get out of the house. I never mentioned anything to her until she brought it up TO ME after the preschool teacher mentioned it; in the back of my mind I always knew it would come up and when the teacher mentioned it I was surprised by her complete denial.

I'm sorry, but the other adults around a child DO have a duty to them, to a certain extent. I'm not going to mention it to her unless she brings it up first but I was a little surprised when this other preschool apparently had no issue with them and their obvious developmental disorder. I just got the vibe that the school wanted their money and would flag the issue later, after the check cleared.

You seem really up there on your own supply. We are criticizing you because you are ridiculously self-confident, and aren't appearing to approach this at all like a real friend would. Has she confided in you about concerns other than what the teacher mentioned? Have you asked generally about how her twins are enjoying preschool and what they respond to the most? What do you actually know about your "friend's" access to resources and professionals? None of our responses have been unhinged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The responses to this query seem a bit unhinged. This woman is absolutely my friend and I've spent enough time with her and her children to be confident about "my diagnosis." We've been friends for almost a year and I regularly see her for playdates and to get out of the house. I never mentioned anything to her until she brought it up TO ME after the preschool teacher mentioned it; in the back of my mind I always knew it would come up and when the teacher mentioned it I was surprised by her complete denial.

I'm sorry, but the other adults around a child DO have a duty to them, to a certain extent. I'm not going to mention it to her unless she brings it up first but I was a little surprised when this other preschool apparently had no issue with them and their obvious developmental disorder. I just got the vibe that the school wanted their money and would flag the issue later, after the check cleared.

You’re being really really unkind about these children and that’s driving the comments. You refer to them as “humping” playground equipment and as having an “obvious developmental disorder” and just generally sound incredibly full of dislike and distaste for these poor kids. It’s disturbing. Look, they’re 4. They’ll go to kindergarten in a year and the teacher will have to bring it up if necessary. Kids with developmental disorders that impair their development to the point they can’t function are placed in special education. So, why don’t you just leave it? It’s a slow hard path for some people. They’re not missing out on much. If they are autistic, there’s no cure. So calm down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The responses to this query seem a bit unhinged. This woman is absolutely my friend and I've spent enough time with her and her children to be confident about "my diagnosis." We've been friends for almost a year and I regularly see her for playdates and to get out of the house. I never mentioned anything to her until she brought it up TO ME after the preschool teacher mentioned it; in the back of my mind I always knew it would come up and when the teacher mentioned it I was surprised by her complete denial.

I'm sorry, but the other adults around a child DO have a duty to them, to a certain extent. I'm not going to mention it to her unless she brings it up first but I was a little surprised when this other preschool apparently had no issue with them and their obvious developmental disorder. I just got the vibe that the school wanted their money and would flag the issue later, after the check cleared.

Who do you think you are, really?
A lot of doctors aren't confident about the diagnoses even when they do extensive, validated testing.
I get your concern that you think there is something going on with the children. I don't think you're bad for wanting to mention to your friend that they may need help. But you are way off base when you say you think you can diagnose kids and you sound really haughty and judgmental which makes me doubt your intensions.

[Anonymous]

Did you say you’ve been friends for a year? Truly, this isn’t something you need to continue to pursue. She will handle this in her own time frame. Just be a “ friend” that isn’t involved in diagnosing her children or pointing out what you think is neurodivergent about her children.

[Anonymous]

Do they interact with each other?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The responses to this query seem a bit unhinged. This woman is absolutely my friend and I've spent enough time with her and her children to be confident about "my diagnosis." We've been friends for almost a year and I regularly see her for playdates and to get out of the house. I never mentioned anything to her until she brought it up TO ME after the preschool teacher mentioned it; in the back of my mind I always knew it would come up and when the teacher mentioned it I was surprised by her complete denial.

I'm sorry, but the other adults around a child DO have a duty to them, to a certain extent. I'm not going to mention it to her unless she brings it up first but I was a little surprised when this other preschool apparently had no issue with them and their obvious developmental disorder. I just got the vibe that the school wanted their money and would flag the issue later, after the check cleared.

You seem really up there on your own supply. We are criticizing you because you are ridiculously self-confident, and aren't appearing to approach this at all like a real friend would. Has she confided in you about concerns other than what the teacher mentioned? Have you asked generally about how her twins are enjoying preschool and what they respond to the most? What do you actually know about your "friend's" access to resources and professionals? None of our responses have been unhinged.

Yes, we had a conversation on the phone for almost 2 hours about it. I never said shit, just said that if it were my son I would want to pursue an evaluation just to get data and then decide how to proceed, to see it as a sort of "Second opinion" from the preschool teacher.

But whatever, interpret me however you'd like, it's ultimately irrelevant to the question since the big answer here has been "shut up and do nothing." So, noted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do they interact with each other?

That’s actually a really interesting question. My siblings are twins and had their own language until they were about five. I am significantly older so remember the time When none of us could understand what one of them said for their first five years, while the other could translate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The responses to this query seem a bit unhinged. This woman is absolutely my friend and I've spent enough time with her and her children to be confident about "my diagnosis." We've been friends for almost a year and I regularly see her for playdates and to get out of the house. I never mentioned anything to her until she brought it up TO ME after the preschool teacher mentioned it; in the back of my mind I always knew it would come up and when the teacher mentioned it I was surprised by her complete denial.

I'm sorry, but the other adults around a child DO have a duty to them, to a certain extent. I'm not going to mention it to her unless she brings it up first but I was a little surprised when this other preschool apparently had no issue with them and their obvious developmental disorder. I just got the vibe that the school wanted their money and would flag the issue later, after the check cleared.

You’re being really really unkind about these children and that’s driving the comments. You refer to them as “humping” playground equipment and as having an “obvious developmental disorder” and just generally sound incredibly full of dislike and distaste for these poor kids. It’s disturbing. Look, they’re 4. They’ll go to kindergarten in a year and the teacher will have to bring it up if necessary. Kids with developmental disorders that impair their development to the point they can’t function are placed in special education. So, why don’t you just leave it? It’s a slow hard path for some people. They’re not missing out on much. If they are autistic, there’s no cure. So calm down.

If there's no cure then why do some kids "recover" and go on to become indistinguishable to their NT peers? You're clearly of the camp that nothing can be done, which is just factually wrong. Do you think ABA is useless? Everyone here is so defensive and projecting their own shit here it's sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do they interact with each other?

Sort of? Not in a typical play sense, though. The only real interaction I've noticed has been fighting. They're usually off in separate areas of the playground wandering around in their own world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was a child like this at our preschool and our preschool teacher who I was very close to flat out said they mentioned it to the parents once and the parents got so pissed off they were scared to lose their job if they mentioned it again. Preschool teachers aren’t always going to do the “right thing “ because they can lose their jobs and unfortunately they’re not paid well. Years later our kids are in middle school together and the child is getting services. I guess the parents just didn’t want to see it at the time.

Your preschool teacher friend *should* lose her job. Why is she discussing this with you? Totally unprofessional and inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The responses to this query seem a bit unhinged. This woman is absolutely my friend and I've spent enough time with her and her children to be confident about "my diagnosis." We've been friends for almost a year and I regularly see her for playdates and to get out of the house. I never mentioned anything to her until she brought it up TO ME after the preschool teacher mentioned it; in the back of my mind I always knew it would come up and when the teacher mentioned it I was surprised by her complete denial.

I'm sorry, but the other adults around a child DO have a duty to them, to a certain extent. I'm not going to mention it to her unless she brings it up first but I was a little surprised when this other preschool apparently had no issue with them and their obvious developmental disorder. I just got the vibe that the school wanted their money and would flag the issue later, after the check cleared.

You’re being really really unkind about these children and that’s driving the comments. You refer to them as “humping” playground equipment and as having an “obvious developmental disorder” and just generally sound incredibly full of dislike and distaste for these poor kids. It’s disturbing. Look, they’re 4. They’ll go to kindergarten in a year and the teacher will have to bring it up if necessary. Kids with developmental disorders that impair their development to the point they can’t function are placed in special education. So, why don’t you just leave it? It’s a slow hard path for some people. They’re not missing out on much. If they are autistic, there’s no cure. So calm down.

If there's no cure then why do some kids "recover" and go on to become indistinguishable to their NT peers? You're clearly of the camp that nothing can be done, which is just factually wrong. Do you think ABA is useless? Everyone here is so defensive and projecting their own shit here it's sad.

Whoa you are a nutter. First of all, that almost never happens. Sorry. Not to cure the kinds of deficits you’re talking about. Some kids don’t get diagnosed until much later because their differences are subtle. ABA helps sometimes, but it’s no cure. You’re just full of crap and extremely confident about it, which is a really bad combination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The responses to this query seem a bit unhinged. This woman is absolutely my friend and I've spent enough time with her and her children to be confident about "my diagnosis." We've been friends for almost a year and I regularly see her for playdates and to get out of the house. I never mentioned anything to her until she brought it up TO ME after the preschool teacher mentioned it; in the back of my mind I always knew it would come up and when the teacher mentioned it I was surprised by her complete denial.

I'm sorry, but the other adults around a child DO have a duty to them, to a certain extent. I'm not going to mention it to her unless she brings it up first but I was a little surprised when this other preschool apparently had no issue with them and their obvious developmental disorder. I just got the vibe that the school wanted their money and would flag the issue later, after the check cleared.

You seem really up there on your own supply. We are criticizing you because you are ridiculously self-confident, and aren't appearing to approach this at all like a real friend would. Has she confided in you about concerns other than what the teacher mentioned? Have you asked generally about how her twins are enjoying preschool and what they respond to the most? What do you actually know about your "friend's" access to resources and professionals? None of our responses have been unhinged.

Yes, we had a conversation on the phone for almost 2 hours about it. I never said shit, just said that if it were my son I would want to pursue an evaluation just to get data and then decide how to proceed, to see it as a sort of "Second opinion" from the preschool teacher.

You had a long conversation and she decided to not follow your advice, so what else do you think you can or should do? She (and other parent) will make their own choices in their own time. If you are a true friend, be open to listening to her when she wants to talk. That's all. Don't be a judgmental tool though if she does change tack and takes up your suggestions later.

But whatever, interpret me however you'd like, it's ultimately irrelevant to the question since the big answer here has been "shut up and do nothing." So, noted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The responses to this query seem a bit unhinged. This woman is absolutely my friend and I've spent enough time with her and her children to be confident about "my diagnosis." We've been friends for almost a year and I regularly see her for playdates and to get out of the house. I never mentioned anything to her until she brought it up TO ME after the preschool teacher mentioned it; in the back of my mind I always knew it would come up and when the teacher mentioned it I was surprised by her complete denial.

I'm sorry, but the other adults around a child DO have a duty to them, to a certain extent. I'm not going to mention it to her unless she brings it up first but I was a little surprised when this other preschool apparently had no issue with them and their obvious developmental disorder. I just got the vibe that the school wanted their money and would flag the issue later, after the check cleared.

You’re being really really unkind about these children and that’s driving the comments. You refer to them as “humping” playground equipment and as having an “obvious developmental disorder” and just generally sound incredibly full of dislike and distaste for these poor kids. It’s disturbing. Look, they’re 4. They’ll go to kindergarten in a year and the teacher will have to bring it up if necessary. Kids with developmental disorders that impair their development to the point they can’t function are placed in special education. So, why don’t you just leave it? It’s a slow hard path for some people. They’re not missing out on much. If they are autistic, there’s no cure. So calm down.

ASD kids who hump do it as a stim. It's important to deal with that behavior since that's something pedos notice and can target the child because of it. I don't think it's offensive to point that out.

[Anonymous]

FYI — I just flagged this post with Jeff, as I think OP disclosed way too much identifying information about someone else’s kids. I hope he takes down this thread.

Signed,
An ASD mom who posts frequently