How do you help a friend who in denial that her twins are totally ASD?

[Anonymous]

Just seeing this thread and didn't read it all, so forgive me if it's been said already. First of all, OP, you should really not say anything else at all. But: I am an identical twin and if you had asked other parents when my sister and I were 4, they would have said we were odd children (back then there was no ASD and autism was rarely heard of--I'm 50). I could just tell people were put off by us. I don't know if there is anything to it, but I do think twins, especially identicals, probably socialize differently than others. I can promise you, we are not on the spectrum, but I would say it wasn't until about 5th grade or so that we were really socializing with others. It can be an awkward thing. Your friend probably needs to split them up and have them play and socialize seperately.

[Anonymous]

Having known lots of twins from being part of a twin parent group this is very true.

Twin pairs (or higher order multiples) can communicate differently in the early years. You can start to see if there are individual issues more after they are separated. My DDs are friends with twins they met when they were in preschool and the other twins seemed to have no issues at all until 1st grade when they were put in different classes. One of the identical twins was then discovered to have a speech delay and teachers didn't really notice because the other twin was just talking for her sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There was a child like this at our preschool and our preschool teacher who I was very close to flat out said they mentioned it to the parents once and the parents got so pissed off they were scared to lose their job if they mentioned it again. Preschool teachers aren’t always going to do the “right thing “ because they can lose their jobs and unfortunately they’re not paid well. Years later our kids are in middle school together and the child is getting services. I guess the parents just didn’t want to see it at the time.

Your preschool teacher friend *should* lose her job. Why is she discussing this with you? Totally unprofessional and inappropriate.

This. This is incredibly unprofessional. I'm an ES teacher and some parents are in total denial. I have a student who regularly trashes the classroom and the mother thinks it is normal 5-6 yr old behavior.

[Anonymous]

I have twins and I found age 4 to be the hardest age. What I didn’t need in my life was a “friend” like OP.

[Anonymous]

OP your suggestion is somewhat similar to “you need to see a psychiatrist…” Way over a boundary. Hey, go have your odd kids evaluated!

[Anonymous]

Haven't read whole thread either but

1) I was that clueless preschool parent. Knew something was different with my DC, but when teachers flagged issues - with one suggesting autism - I too was "WTF!" Didn't know the least bit about ASD back then, other than it was something bad, so my mind went directly to a profile like Dustin Hoffman's Rain Man, which my kid was not.

2) Fast forward many years, yes, DC is ASD, and I've had to educate myself a lot about it.

3) Looking back, I wish my ignorant self could have accepted that feedback so that I could have gotten interventions earlier for DC. But I wasn't open to it or ready. Today, I respect those teachers who flagged those concerns. It wasn't them -- it was me.

4) Ultimately, I took DC for ASD evaluation - with the perspective that testing would rule out ASD. Except that it didn't - got official diagnosis instead.

Lesson to be learned:
Advice given to people who aren't ready to receive it just falls on deaf ears. So choose your recipient carefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read whole thread either but

1) I was that clueless preschool parent. Knew something was different with my DC, but when teachers flagged issues - with one suggesting autism - I too was "WTF!" Didn't know the least bit about ASD back then, other than it was something bad, so my mind went directly to a profile like Dustin Hoffman's Rain Man, which my kid was not.

2) Fast forward many years, yes, DC is ASD, and I've had to educate myself a lot about it.

3) Looking back, I wish my ignorant self could have accepted that feedback so that I could have gotten interventions earlier for DC. But I wasn't open to it or ready. Today, I respect those teachers who flagged those concerns. It wasn't them -- it was me.

4) Ultimately, I took DC for ASD evaluation - with the perspective that testing would rule out ASD. Except that it didn't - got official diagnosis instead.

Lesson to be learned:
Advice given to people who aren't ready to receive it just falls on deaf ears. So choose your recipient carefully.

Lol! When the preschool teacher suggested that my DS4 should be evaluated, I asked on DCUM and the overwhelming response on the general parenting forum (not SNs) was that I should listen to the preschool teacher. So glad I did!

DS was diagnosed at 4 with ASD and got an IEP. 14 now and doing great! Thank you General parenting

You are not going to get much support here, OP. She’s your friend. Do what you think best and good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There was a child like this at our preschool and our preschool teacher who I was very close to flat out said they mentioned it to the parents once and the parents got so pissed off they were scared to lose their job if they mentioned it again. Preschool teachers aren’t always going to do the “right thing “ because they can lose their jobs and unfortunately they’re not paid well. Years later our kids are in middle school together and the child is getting services. I guess the parents just didn’t want to see it at the time.

Your preschool teacher friend *should* lose her job. Why is she discussing this with you? Totally unprofessional and inappropriate.

This. This is incredibly unprofessional. I'm an ES teacher and some parents are in total denial. I have a student who regularly trashes the classroom and the mother thinks it is normal 5-6 yr old behavior.

This kid are not how you describe. The majority of preschool and ES teachers we had were pretty lousy and didn't have a clue.

As a teacher, what are you doing to help this child, since you are far better than the parents? Really, if its that easy, a good teacher can be able to fix it right?

Some things cannot be fixed, sadly. It doesn't mean the parents are in denial. Other times the parents don't have health insurance to cover the private therapies, the school system refuses to help, the teachers refuse to help and they cannot afford to private pay, so they are stuck. We had many teachers refuse to help our child, even with basic requests that they should do with any child who needs help and yet, they refused.

[Anonymous]

Pp with the 14 yr old diagnosed w/ASD at 4 again.

Even if your friend disregards your suggestion for an evaluation now, maybe your observation + feedback from teachers can help your friend seek an evaluation. I know I am super glad that my kid’s preschool teacher spoke up and that everyone on General Parenting urged me to listen to her.

I suspected nothing plus I had no experience with ASD so when the teacher suggested an evaluation, I was very surprised and taken aback. Nevertheless, I am super happy that he got an IEP when he was 4: DS got pragmatic speech, OT, social skills, etc all at school. Now, he attends a top mainstream private and does great without any supports/accommodations/meds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think these responses are a bit intense. I wish people had felt more comfortable asking me about my ASD son when he was smaller, pre-diagnosis (or now!). But I agree that you HAVE done your duty towards these children. You suggested an evaluation, explained it will just be a data point, etc., and that… is all you can do right now, until the next time she brings it up. Just continue to be her friend and invite her and her children out. If you want her to open up more, observe the wonderful, beautiful qualities and characteristics about her twins. show her that you love and care for them… those are the friends parents of special needs kids turn to when we are ready to start therapy.

OP: I think this is the best post. I agree that you only answered when asked and suggesting a professional evaluation was spot-on. Be there as much as possible and be ready to support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The responses to this query seem a bit unhinged. This woman is absolutely my friend and I've spent enough time with her and her children to be confident about "my diagnosis." We've been friends for almost a year and I regularly see her for playdates and to get out of the house. I never mentioned anything to her until she brought it up TO ME after the preschool teacher mentioned it; in the back of my mind I always knew it would come up and when the teacher mentioned it I was surprised by her complete denial.

I'm sorry, but the other adults around a child DO have a duty to them, to a certain extent. I'm not going to mention it to her unless she brings it up first but I was a little surprised when this other preschool apparently had no issue with them and their obvious developmental disorder. I just got the vibe that the school wanted their money and would flag the issue later, after the check cleared.

I don't think preschools weed kids out for ASD or anything else, do they? Of course, parents and preschool teachers can discuss their concerns, but it's weird to me that you think the preschool should what? - deny them entrance because you think they're on the spectrum?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The responses to this query seem a bit unhinged. This woman is absolutely my friend and I've spent enough time with her and her children to be confident about "my diagnosis." We've been friends for almost a year and I regularly see her for playdates and to get out of the house. I never mentioned anything to her until she brought it up TO ME after the preschool teacher mentioned it; in the back of my mind I always knew it would come up and when the teacher mentioned it I was surprised by her complete denial.

I'm sorry, but the other adults around a child DO have a duty to them, to a certain extent. I'm not going to mention it to her unless she brings it up first but I was a little surprised when this other preschool apparently had no issue with them and their obvious developmental disorder. I just got the vibe that the school wanted their money and would flag the issue later, after the check cleared.

I don't think preschools weed kids out for ASD or anything else, do they? Of course, parents and preschool teachers can discuss their concerns, but it's weird to me that you think the preschool should what? - deny them entrance because you think they're on the spectrum?

It could also be age. At 3 yrs old, parallel play is normal. At 4, kids should be playing together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The responses to this query seem a bit unhinged. This woman is absolutely my friend and I've spent enough time with her and her children to be confident about "my diagnosis." We've been friends for almost a year and I regularly see her for playdates and to get out of the house. I never mentioned anything to her until she brought it up TO ME after the preschool teacher mentioned it; in the back of my mind I always knew it would come up and when the teacher mentioned it I was surprised by her complete denial.

I'm sorry, but the other adults around a child DO have a duty to them, to a certain extent. I'm not going to mention it to her unless she brings it up first but I was a little surprised when this other preschool apparently had no issue with them and their obvious developmental disorder. I just got the vibe that the school wanted their money and would flag the issue later, after the check cleared.

I don't think preschools weed kids out for ASD or anything else, do they? Of course, parents and preschool teachers can discuss their concerns, but it's weird to me that you think the preschool should what? - deny them entrance because you think they're on the spectrum?

What is so off about that? Plenty of selective preschools reject kids for all sorts of reasons, and developmental delays are just one of them. If the OP's school is selective it's entirely reasonable they would have passed on special needs twins.

[Anonymous]

I’m the mother of a 3 year old with special needs.

People LOVE to point out to me that he’s impulsive, inattentive, behind in speech, etc.

I LITERALLY hear about it nearly twice a week.

Let me let you in on a little secret-there is no cure for any of this. You think an evaluation and therapy are going to “fix” this? These girls are who they are and even with ALL the interventions, they will still be like this. Maybe with intervention you could move the needle 5-10%.

I get so angry…. You realize therapy was almost entirely online during the pandemic anyway?

I’m doing all the things, we have a developmental pediatrician, my son is already medicated at AGE 3, we get daily therapy. It’s made ZERO and I literally mean ZERO difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The responses to this query seem a bit unhinged. This woman is absolutely my friend and I've spent enough time with her and her children to be confident about "my diagnosis." We've been friends for almost a year and I regularly see her for playdates and to get out of the house. I never mentioned anything to her until she brought it up TO ME after the preschool teacher mentioned it; in the back of my mind I always knew it would come up and when the teacher mentioned it I was surprised by her complete denial.

I'm sorry, but the other adults around a child DO have a duty to them, to a certain extent. I'm not going to mention it to her unless she brings it up first but I was a little surprised when this other preschool apparently had no issue with them and their obvious developmental disorder. I just got the vibe that the school wanted their money and would flag the issue later, after the check cleared.

I don't think preschools weed kids out for ASD or anything else, do they? Of course, parents and preschool teachers can discuss their concerns, but it's weird to me that you think the preschool should what? - deny them entrance because you think they're on the spectrum?

It could also be age. At 3 yrs old, parallel play is normal. At 4, kids should be playing together.

It depends on the child.