How do you help a friend who in denial that her twins are totally ASD?

[Anonymous]

My friend is a mom of two 4-year-old twin girls who, while verbal, are totally on the spectrum. The girls are pretty high functioning all things considered, but I've never seen them play, they don't look at you in the eye, don't really answer questions directly, and hump playground equipment instead of, you know, playing and have pretty bad meltdowns when it comes to transitions. Problem is, my friend is in complete and total denial. Their preschool teacher brought it up to her by mentioning the lack of imaginative play and eye contact, and my friend just completely shut it down. My son had the same teacher last year so I know she means well and her observations are on point; I was actually surprised it took her this long to flag the twins as needing further evaluation.

I urged her to consider an evaluation as just data, look at it neutrally as something that can only help her kids, but it just wasn't getting through to her, whatsoever. She insists her girls do make eye contact and engage in imaginative play (they don't). Whenever I see the girls for a playdate (my son plays with her older daughter) they're totally in their own world; at playgrounds they just wander around, never really playing with the equipment or other children. So, her response has been to find another preschool. Surprisingly, the preschool they toured at didn't seem to take issue with them and claimed they were ready for pre-K, to which my friend took to mean that the previous teacher was just so totally wrong and biased.

Have any of you found a preschool that's just content to take your money and then when they've got you suggest an evaluation? I can't imagine any educator seeing these girls and seeing them as NT, at the very least they seem SPD but more realistically it just screams autism (to me).

I've realized that I'm just going to have to drop it as my suggestions have gone ignored, but at the end of the day I do feel a duty to these children. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

You can support the kids by not pestering their mom about this and trusting they will find their way to treatment. The idea of having 4 yr old twins who are already displaying ASD sounds pretty overwhelming to me and, honestly -- she deserves to have a little denial. It doesn't sound like the kids are currently suffering, and if they really are ASD this is a situation that will become untenable pretty soon. It's still considered early intervention if they are diagnosed at 6, for instance. If things are continuing in this direction it will not take long before their parents realize they need help with them and seek it out.

Also, you need to check yourself in general. How much time do you spend with this family? If your observations are just based on minimal interaction at school and the occasional playground play date, I think it's entirely possible you are wrong. Four year olds often display behavior that seems like ASD but in context is just being 4, and with twins this is particularly true. I think you are overreaching with this diagnosis and need to ask yourself why.

[Anonymous]

You do not have a duty to these children. You only have a duty to your own children. Yes, you need to drop it. Stay in your lane, you know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can support the kids by not pestering their mom about this and trusting they will find their way to treatment. The idea of having 4 yr old twins who are already displaying ASD sounds pretty overwhelming to me and, honestly -- she deserves to have a little denial. It doesn't sound like the kids are currently suffering, and if they really are ASD this is a situation that will become untenable pretty soon. It's still considered early intervention if they are diagnosed at 6, for instance. If things are continuing in this direction it will not take long before their parents realize they need help with them and seek it out.

Also, you need to check yourself in general. How much time do you spend with this family? If your observations are just based on minimal interaction at school and the occasional playground play date, I think it's entirely possible you are wrong. Four year olds often display behavior that seems like ASD but in context is just being 4, and with twins this is particularly true. I think you are overreaching with this diagnosis and need to ask yourself why.

I came here to say this. Maybe extend the mom some grace because they aren't your kids and you haven't been faced with having to grapple with this. MY DS is autistic (although high functioning) and though he wouldn't engage in imaginative play with strangers, he regularly did it at home. So, it could be completely true that they do engage in these behaviors in different surroundings.

Also, you can be ASD and also prepared to go to preschool. Those things aren't mutually exclusive. If they demonstrate behaviors that require that they be a self-contained classroom; they may fully able to mainstream. That's something that the parents should ultimately decide. Either way, if you are really a friend: support her. She needs the support, not the judgment.

[Anonymous]

OP, how do you do it? I’m intensely curious how you manage to move about in the world able to diagnose children without a medical license or training. What is it like to be so amazingly right about things you know nothing about?

[Anonymous]

There was a child like this at our preschool and our preschool teacher who I was very close to flat out said they mentioned it to the parents once and the parents got so pissed off they were scared to lose their job if they mentioned it again. Preschool teachers aren’t always going to do the “right thing “ because they can lose their jobs and unfortunately they’re not paid well. Years later our kids are in middle school together and the child is getting services. I guess the parents just didn’t want to see it at the time.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, you aren't a friend and leave them alone. Don't go diagnosing other people's kids. Reality is if they are high functioning, not much can be done, if they don't need ST or OT. You suggested an evaluation, she declined. She may also have them in services and just isn't telling you as she doesn't want your input.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do not have a duty to these children. You only have a duty to your own children. Yes, you need to drop it. Stay in your lane, you know?

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, you aren't a friend and leave them alone. Don't go diagnosing other people's kids. Reality is if they are high functioning, not much can be done, if they don't need ST or OT. You suggested an evaluation, she declined. She may also have them in services and just isn't telling you as she doesn't want your input.

+100

[Anonymous]

Mind your own business. You sound like deep down you don’t like your friend, and you have some need for her to admit there’s something “wrong” with her kids.

[Anonymous]

Let’s be clear: You’re not friends with this woman. She is the mother of a child your son plays with. Your kids have gone to the same preschool. You may exchange pleasantries during the play date, but you’re not her friend. You’re using this ad a cover to sit and judge her. If you say you’re friends and only care about the children, you think that lets you off the hook for your judgment of this woman.

It doesn’t. Work on being an actual friend. Support her. Trust that she knows her kids best. Isn’t that what you want people to do for you?

[Anonymous]

I get where you are coming from, OP. I have been in a similar situation with someone I really care about and it is so hard. Child is incredibly bright and verbal and reads and writes far above grade level but makes no eye contact and can't have a back and forth conversation. But my friend doesn't see it at all. In a way she encourages and appreciates some of the ASD features (his total self-absorption and willingness to play alone for hours) because their life is stressful in other ways and accepts others because she doesn't realize/forgets that his meltdowns are no longer age appropriate. Teachers have tried but so far they bring up issues (inflexibility or difficulty transitioning or impulsivity) but not a big picture so my dear friend truly doesn't see it. I disagree with others that high functioning kids don't need OT or ST... I very much doubt it. I know this child for sure could use therapy and I think it would be so so much better to start when he's young. I am a huge believer in different kinds of interventions and therapy and feel that they have can make a huge difference.

ALl that said, what can we do as friends?? I listen, ask questions, support. I love the child and try so hard to engage with him. The info is there for the parents to see but I don't think they are ready yet.

[Anonymous]

The responses to this query seem a bit unhinged. This woman is absolutely my friend and I've spent enough time with her and her children to be confident about "my diagnosis." We've been friends for almost a year and I regularly see her for playdates and to get out of the house. I never mentioned anything to her until she brought it up TO ME after the preschool teacher mentioned it; in the back of my mind I always knew it would come up and when the teacher mentioned it I was surprised by her complete denial.

I'm sorry, but the other adults around a child DO have a duty to them, to a certain extent. I'm not going to mention it to her unless she brings it up first but I was a little surprised when this other preschool apparently had no issue with them and their obvious developmental disorder. I just got the vibe that the school wanted their money and would flag the issue later, after the check cleared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, you aren't a friend and leave them alone. Don't go diagnosing other people's kids. Reality is if they are high functioning, not much can be done, if they don't need ST or OT. You suggested an evaluation, she declined. She may also have them in services and just isn't telling you as she doesn't want your input.

+100

You're wrong about this. High functioning ASD kids actually show the most long term gains with ABA. But you're probably one of those people who think ABA is "offensive."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mind your own business. You sound like deep down you don’t like your friend, and you have some need for her to admit there’s something “wrong” with her kids.

+1 You sound horrible OP. You have no idea what is actually going on with those children and what your friend has or has not done to get them evaluated.