How do you help a friend who in denial that her twins are totally ASD?

[Anonymous]

The OP could be right. No expert here but everything I’ve read says early intervention is key. If the mom isn’t ready though to get an assessment not much you can do but be there for her.

Are the playgrounds you’re at full of kids? Maybe the girls would do better at a backyard play date, worth a try.

I was curious about the “humping” and ya per the google that can be ASD and GI issues. A friend who is an ES teacher freaked out on my son when he was straddling a monkey bar, he wasn’t dry humping it just sitting on it and l thought her reaction was weird like he was doing something freaky. At least l saw no humping going on. So anyhow …weird sidebar….DCUM style.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP could be right. No expert here but everything I’ve read says early intervention is key. If the mom isn’t ready though to get an assessment not much you can do but be there for her.

Are the playgrounds you’re at full of kids? Maybe the girls would do better at a backyard play date, worth a try.

I was curious about the “humping” and ya per the google that can be ASD and GI issues. A friend who is an ES teacher freaked out on my son when he was straddling a monkey bar, he wasn’t dry humping it just sitting on it and l thought her reaction was weird like he was doing something freaky. At least l saw no humping going on. So anyhow …weird sidebar….DCUM style.

[Anonymous]

Autism denial is a thing. Choosing to delay therapy helps no one.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you could monetize this, OP. Follow people around on the playground, present a diagnosis, and then tell them they owe you $100.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seems like more of an eccentric twin thing than an autism spectrum thing.

Honestly OP, you are out of your lane, and thought I suppose you mean well you are not informed, you opinion is not wanted, and knowing this woman "for a year" is negligible.

See, the thing is, my opinion IS wanted. It was asked for, repeatedly, actually. And to reiterate: I never told my friend that I thought her kids were autistic. Nor did I bring it up without being asked. I simply told her that it SOUNDED LIKE the teacher was suggesting she thought the girls were on the spectrum based on the comments she made. The teacher suggested they be evaluated and I, upon being asked, told MY FRIEND it would be a useful exercise in getting more info if in fact the teacher doesn't know what the f she's talking about. Therapy and an evaluation can only help a child, IN MY OPINION. Prior to this convo with the teacher, I had always thought the girls were ASD and was actually surprised they were admitted into the school in the first place. And no, I never said any of this to her. But after talking with her it's become apparent to me how utterly in denial she is and it's truly to the detriment of her kids. But I get it, we can't face what we're not ready to see.

So yeah, continue on with the belief that I'm a piece of shit busybody non-friend who offers unsolicited diagnoses that I'm unqualified to give because I dared to ask a question on an ANONYMOUS FORUM.

And for the record, we don't even live in the DMV area, so the idea that I'm divulging protected info and compromising their privacy is off-base.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you could monetize this, OP. Follow people around on the playground, present a diagnosis, and then tell them they owe you $100.

$100? What back alley Dollar Tree therapist are you seeing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So a child can show all the textbook "symptoms" of autism but no one can notice it or talk about it without being "out of their lane" because the adults in the room are too triggered. Got it. The only people who know .001% of the situation are the people commenting here. These kids are textbook but even credentialed professionals should just shut up about it and mind their own business. Makes sense.

You noticed, you said something. The preschool teacher noticed and said something. No one on this thread is saying that was wrong. What exactly do you think should happen next? We don't live in a country where a school or a medical provider can force evaluation or treatment without the parent's consent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems like more of an eccentric twin thing than an autism spectrum thing.

Honestly OP, you are out of your lane, and thought I suppose you mean well you are not informed, you opinion is not wanted, and knowing this woman "for a year" is negligible.

See, the thing is, my opinion IS wanted. It was asked for, repeatedly, actually. And to reiterate: I never told my friend that I thought her kids were autistic. Nor did I bring it up without being asked. I simply told her that it SOUNDED LIKE the teacher was suggesting she thought the girls were on the spectrum based on the comments she made. The teacher suggested they be evaluated and I, upon being asked, told MY FRIEND it would be a useful exercise in getting more info if in fact the teacher doesn't know what the f she's talking about. Therapy and an evaluation can only help a child, IN MY OPINION. Prior to this convo with the teacher, I had always thought the girls were ASD and was actually surprised they were admitted into the school in the first place. And no, I never said any of this to her. But after talking with her it's become apparent to me how utterly in denial she is and it's truly to the detriment of her kids. But I get it, we can't face what we're not ready to see.

So yeah, continue on with the belief that I'm a piece of shit busybody non-friend who offers unsolicited diagnoses that I'm unqualified to give because I dared to ask a question on an ANONYMOUS FORUM.

And for the record, we don't even live in the DMV area, so the idea that I'm divulging protected info and compromising their privacy is off-base.

OP don’t let these people upset you. It’s like a sport.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So a child can show all the textbook "symptoms" of autism but no one can notice it or talk about it without being "out of their lane" because the adults in the room are too triggered. Got it. The only people who know .001% of the situation are the people commenting here. These kids are textbook but even credentialed professionals should just shut up about it and mind their own business. Makes sense.

You noticed, you said something. The preschool teacher noticed and said something. No one on this thread is saying that was wrong. What exactly do you think should happen next? We don't live in a country where a school or a medical provider can force evaluation or treatment without the parent's consent.

Actually a whole lot of people on this thread are saying it's wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you could monetize this, OP. Follow people around on the playground, present a diagnosis, and then tell them they owe you $100.

$100? What back alley Dollar Tree therapist are you seeing?

I'm assuming people are only going to pay Dollar Tree prices for unsolicited and unaccredited medical advice. I could be wrong, this is the USofA.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine was in complete denial over her son's autism. It was obvious to everyone, He was flapping, the whole 9. Well she finally got the memo and got the kid the help he needed. He's now at Columbia. He's still a little weird but functional enough to be at an Ivy League university. I think it's the existing stigma and shame that prevent parents from wanting to see what's right in front of them.

[Anonymous]

Years ago before I had kids of my own, I became good friends w a woman I worked w and since I didn’t have family nearby I spent a lot of time w her family. She had a son who at the time I knew her was baby-5 years old. he was totally non verbal, threw massive tantrums, only ate 3 different foods (bananas, ice cream, yogurt), didn’t play w other kids or make eye contact with anyone, and it was obvious to me and to everyone else besides my friend that he was autistic. She was in deep denial about it. I think really she was really upset about it and couldn’t admit it to herself or anyone. It was so hard to watch him struggle and her and her husband struggle too without saying anything but I decided early on that it wasn’t my place to say anything and that if she asked me I’d give her my opinion but otherwise I just would go on as a friend without mentioning her sons issues.

I don’t know if that was the “right” thing or not. I always felt bad about it—like it was always this unspoken difficult thing between us. I’m sure she knew that I knew her son had a problem. But it was never discussed. She and her husband or their son’s teachers/childcare providers/doctors were the ones to address this. Uncomfortable as it was and as much As I wish I could help I still think It wasn’t my place to step in and share my thoughts. I think all you’ll accomplish if you push her on it is to drive her away from you.

[Anonymous]

ALL adults have a duty of care towards ALL children. Sometimes it's worth jeopardizing a friendship when a child's wellbeing is at stake. The worst that can happen is the loss of the friendship. I agree that teachers will generally not say a word until it is past time, otherwise they can lose their jobs. And to people who don't know this, early intervention is KEY to helping children with ASD, ADHD and related issues, so there is some urgency to the diagnosis and treatment.


I have spoken my mind to certain people, OP, when confronted with similar situations. It went well, because I am a research scientist who has done a lot of work on ADHD and autism, and I myself have a child with HFA/ADHD, and therefore I have some standing and I know how to talk about it. The people I spoke to are still my friends, and all but one sought care. The one who didn't has a father in terrible denial, who shouted at the psychiatrist when the mother made an appointment and who has systematically shut down any attempt to get his child help. It's sad. Now the child is "homeschooled", because all the schools they've attended "did not support" the child, according to the parents. This illustrates that after saying your piece clearly, you're done. You can't keep insisting. We still socialize with this family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

ALL adults have a duty of care towards ALL children. Sometimes it's worth jeopardizing a friendship when a child's wellbeing is at stake. The worst that can happen is the loss of the friendship. I agree that teachers will generally not say a word until it is past time, otherwise they can lose their jobs. And to people who don't know this, early intervention is KEY to helping children with ASD, ADHD and related issues, so there is some urgency to the diagnosis and treatment.


I have spoken my mind to certain people, OP, when confronted with similar situations. It went well, because I am a research scientist who has done a lot of work on ADHD and autism, and I myself have a child with HFA/ADHD, and therefore I have some standing and I know how to talk about it. The people I spoke to are still my friends, and all but one sought care. The one who didn't has a father in terrible denial, who shouted at the psychiatrist when the mother made an appointment and who has systematically shut down any attempt to get his child help. It's sad. Now the child is "homeschooled", because all the schools they've attended "did not support" the child, according to the parents. This illustrates that after saying your piece clearly, you're done. You can't keep insisting. We still socialize with this family.

Just out of curiosity, what do you recommend as early intervention for ADHD?

[Anonymous]

OP, I think these responses are a bit intense. I wish people had felt more comfortable asking me about my ASD son when he was smaller, pre-diagnosis (or now!). But I agree that you HAVE done your duty towards these children. You suggested an evaluation, explained it will just be a data point, etc., and that… is all you can do right now, until the next time she brings it up. Just continue to be her friend and invite her and her children out. If you want her to open up more, observe the wonderful, beautiful qualities and characteristics about her twins. show her that you love and care for them… those are the friends parents of special needs kids turn to when we are ready to start therapy.