Can You Live A FulFilled Life Without Kids?

[Anonymous]

I think being childless when you are young is the way to go, but not after 35. My advice, have at least one!

We were very happily childfree when we were younger, but after our late 30's, we needed something more than pets and travel. Having kids added more fun and love into our family. We got to do all kinds of new stuff with kids. Kids are expensive and a lot of work, but as you get older you will appreciate the blessing of being a parent - and a grand!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Extremely happy childless couple here. Our house is clean, quiet, and free of plastic thingamabobs in primary colors. Our bank accounts are full. We travel extensively, dine out, host friends, sleep in, and have lots of time to talk, exercise, cook elaborate meals, read, and sit in quiet contemplation. We are also an excellent aunt and uncle to our nephew and nieces. I understand the allure of children but am very happy with my choice. It's such a personal decision.

Well, aren't you selfish.

I mean, having kids is selfish too. You are not doing them or the world a favor, you’re doing it for yourself and your own enjoyment/desire for a family.

NP. That’s true to an extent. But actually nurturing and raising them means paying attention to someone different than yourself who has a lot of needs and feelings, and is quite literally dependent on you for an extended period. So although it may start with a narcissistic tendency it quickly becomes something that has nothing to do with what you want per se. Some women do use it as a substitute for figuring out their life but as soon as the kid is about 8 that stops working.

NP. There are FAR more ways to pay attention to those in need than to have children of your own. That’s a rather silly argument in favor of having children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but don't attach yourself to your nieces and nephews and try to be the cool aunt/uncle/parent figure. You aren't raising or supporting them. It seems like these kinds of people want all the benefits/fun of kids without the sacrifice.

WTF? The more people that love your kids the better. Parents should want loving family support for their kids. My DCs have several favorite aunts/uncles. They have been so kind to our kids. We love them for that!

[Anonymous]

If you are on the fence about having a kid, go on and do it. Have a child.* It will open up a whole new level of love and commitment in your life. It will likely make you a better person.

*if you can afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was on the fence about having kids, but sort of always assumed I would. So, we have two. I love them, and I enjoy them so much more as they get older than when we were in the throes of parenting little ones. BUT. If I could make the choice over again, I would have remained child-free. It is not true that one never regrets having them.

Plus 100

[Anonymous]

If course you can have a fulfilling life with or without kids.

If you’re in the fence and “can’t imagine” it then don’t.

What you really should have done is gotten therapy for WHY you “can’t imagine” it. Bad childhood? Bad parent(s)? Anxiety? Hate responsibilities? Don’t trust partners? Stressed out by mass media and the end of the planet?

The people I know have strong and specific reasons for not wanting children. At least to themselves. Do you?

[Anonymous]

I will probably be flamed for this but here goes. I think if you have reached a certain age maybe 38, maybe 40 and you don’t have kids you probably have made a decision to be child free. It’s a great life.
Conversely I think a lot of couples in their 20s and 30s had kids not by accident but by not really understanding what a huge commitment, expensive and exhausting it really is. She got pregnant and that was the decision.
I have two children and I love them dearly but they did take over my life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was on the fence about having kids, but sort of always assumed I would. So, we have two. I love them, and I enjoy them so much more as they get older than when we were in the throes of parenting little ones. BUT. If I could make the choice over again, I would have remained child-free. It is not true that one never regrets having them.

Plus 100

Same. It's impossible to make this decision either way and also be truly confident you won't ever have regrets. I told myself I wanted to be a parent for so long (since childhood) that I never stopped to examine if it was the right choice for me. I told myself a very narrow story about motherhood and my experience has challenged that story in ways I never imagined. My kids are absolutely the source of all the most joyful and meaningful moments of my life, but I have the life experience and hindsight to realize that I may have felt happier and more fulfilled personally if I had remained child-free. I don't think that realization devalues my kids at all.

[Anonymous]

I have kids and a large part of me regrets it. That is worse.

Some of my closest friends are child-free couples and they live great, fulfilled, complete lives. Many have kids in their life tangentially which is enough for them — ie being aunts and uncles, occasionally seeing their friends’ kids, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was on the fence about having kids, but sort of always assumed I would. So, we have two. I love them, and I enjoy them so much more as they get older than when we were in the throes of parenting little ones. BUT. If I could make the choice over again, I would have remained child-free. It is not true that one never regrets having them.

Plus 100

Same. It's impossible to make this decision either way and also be truly confident you won't ever have regrets. I told myself I wanted to be a parent for so long (since childhood) that I never stopped to examine if it was the right choice for me. I told myself a very narrow story about motherhood and my experience has challenged that story in ways I never imagined. My kids are absolutely the source of all the most joyful and meaningful moments of my life, but I have the life experience and hindsight to realize that I may have felt happier and more fulfilled personally if I had remained child-free. I don't think that realization devalues my kids at all.

This is so well-stated and I feel the exact same. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was on the fence about having kids, but sort of always assumed I would. So, we have two. I love them, and I enjoy them so much more as they get older than when we were in the throes of parenting little ones. BUT. If I could make the choice over again, I would have remained child-free. It is not true that one never regrets having them.

Plus 100

Same. It's impossible to make this decision either way and also be truly confident you won't ever have regrets. I told myself I wanted to be a parent for so long (since childhood) that I never stopped to examine if it was the right choice for me. I told myself a very narrow story about motherhood and my experience has challenged that story in ways I never imagined. My kids are absolutely the source of all the most joyful and meaningful moments of my life, but I have the life experience and hindsight to realize that I may have felt happier and more fulfilled personally if I had remained child-free. I don't think that realization devalues my kids at all.

This is so well-stated and I feel the exact same. Thank you.

Maybe because you both had expectations that were too high? It’s funny because I was never into kids, not comfortable with babies, never felt particularly ready to be a mother. But I have always known that as a life choice, I would be a mother of several kids, if possible 3. Not out of any idealization of it. But because rationally I knew I wanted a family, I knew I wanted that bond, and I could also visualize myself as an older person with a big family around.

And I had 2 kids (husband didn’t want a third so had to stop there). And it is exactly what I imagined, overwhelming, time consuming, tiresome, frustrating and stressful at times. But without a doubt the best thing that happened to me. I have a pretty intense career and I love my rewarding and meaningful job, have tons of friends and a great marriage. But for me everything pales in comparison to being a parent, at a very primal level, i can feel that it fulfilled my life and helped me get rid of deep questioning about why I am alive.Now I have a simple purpose and I know I can die in peace (when they are ready to be happy without me).

In order to find the same level of fulfillment I would have needed to find it through my work or my political / community engagement (or artistic if I was an artist). And I am not sure I would have been able to. A lot of people can find that fulfillment somewhere else and all the power to them. I am not saying everyone needs to be a parent. But for me it was 100% clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. You can't. At least not after age 70

Yawn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was on the fence about having kids, but sort of always assumed I would. So, we have two. I love them, and I enjoy them so much more as they get older than when we were in the throes of parenting little ones. BUT. If I could make the choice over again, I would have remained child-free. It is not true that one never regrets having them.

Plus 100

Same. It's impossible to make this decision either way and also be truly confident you won't ever have regrets. I told myself I wanted to be a parent for so long (since childhood) that I never stopped to examine if it was the right choice for me. I told myself a very narrow story about motherhood and my experience has challenged that story in ways I never imagined. My kids are absolutely the source of all the most joyful and meaningful moments of my life, but I have the life experience and hindsight to realize that I may have felt happier and more fulfilled personally if I had remained child-free. I don't think that realization devalues my kids at all.

This is so well-stated and I feel the exact same. Thank you.

Maybe because you both had expectations that were too high? It’s funny because I was never into kids, not comfortable with babies, never felt particularly ready to be a mother. But I have always known that as a life choice, I would be a mother of several kids, if possible 3. Not out of any idealization of it. But because rationally I knew I wanted a family, I knew I wanted that bond, and I could also visualize myself as an older person with a big family around.

And I had 2 kids (husband didn’t want a third so had to stop there). And it is exactly what I imagined, overwhelming, time consuming, tiresome, frustrating and stressful at times. But without a doubt the best thing that happened to me. I have a pretty intense career and I love my rewarding and meaningful job, have tons of friends and a great marriage. But for me everything pales in comparison to being a parent, at a very primal level, i can feel that it fulfilled my life and helped me get rid of deep questioning about why I am alive.Now I have a simple purpose and I know I can die in peace (when they are ready to be happy without me).

In order to find the same level of fulfillment I would have needed to find it through my work or my political / community engagement (or artistic if I was an artist). And I am not sure I would have been able to. A lot of people can find that fulfillment somewhere else and all the power to them. I am not saying everyone needs to be a parent. But for me it was 100% clear.

And to add one thing, I don’t think just having a comfortable life of pleasure and fun would have been enough. I would have ended on a Greenpeace boat somewhere or a journalist in a war zone, or fostering kids … But not a well paid 9-5 boring job, enjoying my Sunday brunch and taking cruises to the Caribbean. To me that would have been a sure way to mid life crisis or full blown depression (not judging anyone to be clear, just knowing what would have worked for me)

[Anonymous]

^second PP here, I don’t think my expectations were “high” so much as no one I knew properly articulated just how much work and how little reward (to me, in hindsight). The way individuals and society portrayed being a parent was nothing like the realities. I think if I had really known the realities I wouldn’t have had kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Extremely happy childless couple here. Our house is clean, quiet, and free of plastic thingamabobs in primary colors. Our bank accounts are full. We travel extensively, dine out, host friends, sleep in, and have lots of time to talk, exercise, cook elaborate meals, read, and sit in quiet contemplation. We are also an excellent aunt and uncle to our nephew and nieces. I understand the allure of children but am very happy with my choice. It's such a personal decision.

Well, aren't you selfish.

They’re not selfish at all. You’re ridiculous.