Can You Live A FulFilled Life Without Kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We decided to remain childless and not adopt after infertility. We aren't child free so much as childless.

Everything is so expensive that we had a choice of mortgaging the rest of our life for the chance of possibly adopting a child, foster care for the possibility of adopting a child, or just staying childless.

So, we are living a fulfilled life without kids because we just didn't financially have another choice. More people with infertility will probably be making the same choice in the future. Not everyone ends up with a "rainbow baby," even if they have treatment, but no one wants to hear about that. It's just easier to call people "selfish."

I wanted to have a child so badly that I didn't even wait for a partner. I was prepared to be a single mother. I spent about eight years trying. I didn't run out of money, but I just couldn't do it anymore. Does it hurt? Yes. But I can and will have a good life anyway.

Really afraid this is going to be me… I have low AMH/high FSH at 33 and just beginning the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are on the fence about having kids. We don’t have a strong desire to have them but we do worry we regret them when it’s too late to have them. We are leaning more towards not having them since we can’t undo that once we have kids. We can see ourselves with a baby and toddler but the thought of raising a kid for life and dealing with teenagers is so unappealing and not something we are sure we want to do. We are very happy and have hobbies that keep us active and busy. There is still this one slim worry that we will wake up 5 years from now and want kids and it will be too late. I know it’s better to not have and potentially regret to have and regret. I worry years from now we won’t have kids to bond over and that our marriage may become lonely. Are childless couples really happy? If you were on the fence, what did you choose and do you regret it?

I personally can't (although to be fair, I didn't really try) - but I have several friends who are quite happy with their choice not to have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We decided to remain childless and not adopt after infertility. We aren't child free so much as childless.

Everything is so expensive that we had a choice of mortgaging the rest of our life for the chance of possibly adopting a child, foster care for the possibility of adopting a child, or just staying childless.

So, we are living a fulfilled life without kids because we just didn't financially have another choice. More people with infertility will probably be making the same choice in the future. Not everyone ends up with a "rainbow baby," even if they have treatment, but no one wants to hear about that. It's just easier to call people "selfish."

I wanted to have a child so badly that I didn't even wait for a partner. I was prepared to be a single mother. I spent about eight years trying. I didn't run out of money, but I just couldn't do it anymore. Does it hurt? Yes. But I can and will have a good life anyway.

Really afraid this is going to be me… I have low AMH/high FSH at 33 and just beginning the process.

Odds are very good you will have a child, PP. Time is huge and is on your side. You can always look into donor eggs if your own are not an option.

I know this isn’t the point of the thread but I’ve dealt with infertility and don’t like to see someone worry needlessly.

[Anonymous]

I love my kids but they are very hard. I hate making all the decisions and second guessing everything. I miss my old life. I don’t have a life anymore. I feel like I am so wrapped up with my kids that I have completely forgotten who I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but don't attach yourself to your nieces and nephews and try to be the cool aunt/uncle/parent figure. You aren't raising or supporting them. It seems like these kinds of people want all the benefits/fun of kids without the sacrifice.

NP. Uh, they are not the kids’ parents so there is no need for them to make that sacrifice. It is a different kind of relationship - you don’t have to raise a kid to have a deep bond with them and every kid can benefit from a “cool aunt/uncle/friend of the family”. The more people who love and are mutually attached to my kids the better. I don’t understand your negativity, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Extremely happy childless couple here. Our house is clean, quiet, and free of plastic thingamabobs in primary colors. Our bank accounts are full. We travel extensively, dine out, host friends, sleep in, and have lots of time to talk, exercise, cook elaborate meals, read, and sit in quiet contemplation. We are also an excellent aunt and uncle to our nephew and nieces. I understand the allure of children but am very happy with my choice. It's such a personal decision.

Well, aren't you selfish.

It would be selfish to have kids that are unwanted. This kind of black-and-white thinking will narrow your world.

[Anonymous]

Of course you can have a fulfilled life without kids. I think whatever you decide make sure that you spend time investing in others beyond your spouse - friendships, nieces, nephews, etc. I think kids provide you with a forced way of building that relationship but you can definitely seek out alternative ways to do that.

[Anonymous]

I think if there was full disclosure more couples would choose to be childless. It is a life commitment and the hard parts can come out of the blue at the most in opportune times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course you can be happy without kids. Personally, I had them because I enjoy them, and because I figured the pause of my hobbies would be temporary. It's been about 10 years since my oldest was born and we are now doing those hobbies together, and I have more time for doing things on my own as well. The intense part of young children is short. I like how it gives the different decades of my life more variety, I think I would get tired of the no-kids lifestyle.

I really enjoy the community of other parents as well. It has brought a lot of friendship into my life. Maybe not forever-friends, but nice fun people who care.

Not always true. Anyone contemplating having children has to be okay with the chance that their child may require much more intensive parenting for many more years than the typical child.

[Anonymous]

I had kids as a single person because I really, really wanted to have kids. Personally, I think my life would be extremely unfulfilling if I hadn't had kids-- but that is mostly because I don't have any other close relationships in my life. I'm an only child, so I'll never be anyone's aunt. My first cousins are a generation older than me and grew up in another country. My parents are dead. I've never been married and haven't dated for many years (and don't really want to-- dating made me less happy, not more happy). And all those friends who said we'd be "urban family" or some cr*p? They all got married and had real families and didn't have time for me anymore. Friends aren't a substitute for family.

I've always thought that if I DID have some other relationships, I wouldn't have felt such a strong need to have kids. So I definitely think it's possible for other people to have fulfilling lives without kids-- if they have other important connections in their lives. But for me, personally? The thought of getting older, by myself, with no one in the world to care about me-- it just sounded super depressing. Like I would be one of those people who's found dead YEARS after they died, and no one noticed they were gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course you can be happy without kids. Personally, I had them because I enjoy them, and because I figured the pause of my hobbies would be temporary. It's been about 10 years since my oldest was born and we are now doing those hobbies together, and I have more time for doing things on my own as well. The intense part of young children is short. I like how it gives the different decades of my life more variety, I think I would get tired of the no-kids lifestyle.

I really enjoy the community of other parents as well. It has brought a lot of friendship into my life. Maybe not forever-friends, but nice fun people who care.

Not always true. Anyone contemplating having children has to be okay with the chance that their child may require much more intensive parenting for many more years than the typical child.

+1. Yeah not at all. My kids have no special needs or LDs (that we know of) or health issues but but they are both really intense kids still at ages 7 and 5. I’ve seen friends and family members whose kids seem to have gotten easier as they get older—age out of baby waking up in the night and toddler tantrums but my kids have decidedly NOT gotten easier w age. In fact they’ve gotten harder as they navigate school and social lives and activities.

This is largely personality dependent and I’m sure parenting would also remain very intense if your kid does have any special needs, learning disorders, or health issues (all of which are pretty common).

I love my kids. Always wanted kids and glad I have them, couldn’t imagine life without them, etc. But don’t go into parenting thinking “it’ll just be a few years of really intense babies/toddlers and then it’ll get easier.” My life was easier when my kids were babies than it is now!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course you can be happy without kids. Personally, I had them because I enjoy them, and because I figured the pause of my hobbies would be temporary. It's been about 10 years since my oldest was born and we are now doing those hobbies together, and I have more time for doing things on my own as well. The intense part of young children is short. I like how it gives the different decades of my life more variety, I think I would get tired of the no-kids lifestyle.

I really enjoy the community of other parents as well. It has brought a lot of friendship into my life. Maybe not forever-friends, but nice fun people who care.

Not always true. Anyone contemplating having children has to be okay with the chance that their child may require much more intensive parenting for many more years than the typical child.

+1. Yeah not at all. My kids have no special needs or LDs (that we know of) or health issues but but they are both really intense kids still at ages 7 and 5. I’ve seen friends and family members whose kids seem to have gotten easier as they get older—age out of baby waking up in the night and toddler tantrums but my kids have decidedly NOT gotten easier w age. In fact they’ve gotten harder as they navigate school and social lives and activities.

This is largely personality dependent and I’m sure parenting would also remain very intense if your kid does have any special needs, learning disorders, or health issues (all of which are pretty common).

I love my kids. Always wanted kids and glad I have them, couldn’t imagine life without them, etc. But don’t go into parenting thinking “it’ll just be a few years of really intense babies/toddlers and then it’ll get easier.” My life was easier when my kids were babies than it is now!

Oh and having previously been a middle and high school teacher (and from remembering how I was as a teenager), have no doubt parenting tweens, teens, young adults through the middle school-college years will be the hardest part yet!

[Anonymous]

I have 2 kids. My kids are hands down, the best part of my life, and also the best thing I am at (I'm a much better parent than a wife or colleague or sibling or child or friend) but I'm perpetually exhausted. Mine are healthy and not on the spectrum, but have really intense personalities. People say in your old age, you may regret not having kids, but I don't think that's actually true for all. There are many grandparents/seniors who are estranged from their kids which to me is an indication of that relationship not going as planned.

Also, I happen to have some friends/relatives who are child-free and they are doing some pretty amazing things with their lives which would be impossible for me to even strive for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We decided to remain childless and not adopt after infertility. We aren't child free so much as childless.

Everything is so expensive that we had a choice of mortgaging the rest of our life for the chance of possibly adopting a child, foster care for the possibility of adopting a child, or just staying childless.

So, we are living a fulfilled life without kids because we just didn't financially have another choice. More people with infertility will probably be making the same choice in the future. Not everyone ends up with a "rainbow baby," even if they have treatment, but no one wants to hear about that. It's just easier to call people "selfish."

I wanted to have a child so badly that I didn't even wait for a partner. I was prepared to be a single mother. I spent about eight years trying. I didn't run out of money, but I just couldn't do it anymore. Does it hurt? Yes. But I can and will have a good life anyway.

Really afraid this is going to be me… I have low AMH/high FSH at 33 and just beginning the process.

Odds are very good you will have a child, PP. Time is huge and is on your side. You can always look into donor eggs if your own are not an option.

I know this isn’t the point of the thread but I’ve dealt with infertility and don’t like to see someone worry needlessly.

It's also important to understand that "you can always have a baby if you try hard and long enough" is untrue and unhelpful. I started at 32, did six rounds of IVF, had multiple frozen PGS tested embryos and even used a surrogate. It might have worked with donor eggs and a surrogate, but after a few hundred grand and spending nearly a decade of my life on it, I'd had enough.

If I'd known that there actually are a lot of people who try and try and try but fail, I might have stopped sooner. But those people are silenced and I actually thought I was the only one.

[Anonymous]

I have two aunts who are childless (one divorced, one happily married). They both seem to have extremely fulfilling and enjoyable lives. My sister is absolutely not interested in having kids and I expect she to will be very happy with them. I have always wanted kids and my two are the joy of my life but they’re also super exhausting. I wouldn’t want to go into parenting unless I was wildly enthusiastic about it.