Can You Live A FulFilled Life Without Kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Extremely happy childless couple here. Our house is clean, quiet, and free of plastic thingamabobs in primary colors. Our bank accounts are full. We travel extensively, dine out, host friends, sleep in, and have lots of time to talk, exercise, cook elaborate meals, read, and sit in quiet contemplation. We are also an excellent aunt and uncle to our nephew and nieces. I understand the allure of children but am very happy with my choice. It's such a personal decision.

Well, aren't you selfish.

I mean, having kids is selfish too. You are not doing them or the world a favor, you’re doing it for yourself and your own enjoyment/desire for a family.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am totally NOT a kid person. I still dislike other kids and can barely tolerate play dates and playground interactions. But I adore my kids and adore being their mother. Somehow their (occasional) tantrums and other parenting hardships just don’t seem that bad to me. I seem to have an instinct for knowing just how to reach them, how to soothe, how to move past the unpleasant moments.

But another person’s screaming kid, even my own nieces and nephews? Nope. Go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am totally NOT a kid person. I still dislike other kids and can barely tolerate play dates and playground interactions. But I adore my kids and adore being their mother. Somehow their (occasional) tantrums and other parenting hardships just don’t seem that bad to me. I seem to have an instinct for knowing just how to reach them, how to soothe, how to move past the unpleasant moments.

But another person’s screaming kid, even my own nieces and nephews? Nope. Go away.

All that said - deciding to remain kid free is totally fine and it sounds like you are well rounded individuals, your life will be great either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Extremely happy childless couple here. Our house is clean, quiet, and free of plastic thingamabobs in primary colors. Our bank accounts are full. We travel extensively, dine out, host friends, sleep in, and have lots of time to talk, exercise, cook elaborate meals, read, and sit in quiet contemplation. We are also an excellent aunt and uncle to our nephew and nieces. I understand the allure of children but am very happy with my choice. It's such a personal decision.

Well, aren't you selfish.

I mean, having kids is selfish too. You are not doing them or the world a favor, you’re doing it for yourself and your own enjoyment/desire for a family.

NP. That’s true to an extent. But actually nurturing and raising them means paying attention to someone different than yourself who has a lot of needs and feelings, and is quite literally dependent on you for an extended period. So although it may start with a narcissistic tendency it quickly becomes something that has nothing to do with what you want per se. Some women do use it as a substitute for figuring out their life but as soon as the kid is about 8 that stops working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have great careers, financially stable, our marriage is solid, etc. All of the things you want and hope for you have a child. That being said, we just can’t really decide. There are times when we see friends having kids or play with nieces and nephews and are like “ we want one” but then the moment is over when the baby starts screaming or the toddler throws a tantrum. It’s turns to “ I want one” to relief I don’t have to do it.

We love our lifestyle. We travel and enjoy hobbies. We love sleeping in and being able to go to lunch on a whim or go to dinner without needing to worry about schedules or kids. We have babysat many times for family and have been exhausted and so glad for a quiet house after they leave. We love them and love spending them with them but neither of us can deal with the loud yelling and constant need for attention that kids require.

We both feeling like us not having a strong desire means we shouldn’t have kids, but there is a small part that worries we might change our minds down the road. I’m 35 and don’t have a bunch of time if we want kids. We are leaning towards not having kids and I just wanted to get some perspective from couples who love having a child free life.

Do you have a dog? I think you should get one and see if it's worth it.

DH and I have a cat and the idea of even a dog to have to take care of seems too much work for us.

Plus 100 to getting a cat! Actually get two cats. Super fun. And enjoy living life for yourself.

And I say this as a person with kids who was on the fence. Love my kids but I don’t think parenting is particularly fulfilling. I think you can build a fulfilling life whether or not you have kids, and your life can empty with either choice you make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Extremely happy childless couple here. Our house is clean, quiet, and free of plastic thingamabobs in primary colors. Our bank accounts are full. We travel extensively, dine out, host friends, sleep in, and have lots of time to talk, exercise, cook elaborate meals, read, and sit in quiet contemplation. We are also an excellent aunt and uncle to our nephew and nieces. I understand the allure of children but am very happy with my choice. It's such a personal decision.

Well, aren't you selfish.

I mean, having kids is selfish too. You are not doing them or the world a favor, you’re doing it for yourself and your own enjoyment/desire for a family.

NP. That’s true to an extent. But actually nurturing and raising them means paying attention to someone different than yourself who has a lot of needs and feelings, and is quite literally dependent on you for an extended period. So although it may start with a narcissistic tendency it quickly becomes something that has nothing to do with what you want per se. Some women do use it as a substitute for figuring out their life but as soon as the kid is about 8 that stops working.

Amen.

[Anonymous]

I think I was *happier* before kids in that I was more well rested, I had more leisure time and freedom, I could make amazing fun plans without a care in the world. I think I am more *fulfilled* after having kids because it has given my life an entire new meaning and purpose that I didn't really comprehend until I became a parent. To a non parent I know that sounds cheesy and I would have rolled my eyes too, before becoming a parent myself.

I think that since having children is such a strong biological , innate drive for humans (it's literally how our species survives), it would be hard to say you've experienced all life has to offer without experiencing this very basic human drive. It would be like never having sex your whole life, or never leaving your hometown your whole life. Yes, you could be incredibly happy and feel like your life was well lived, and that's all that really matters. But it's because you had no sense of what else was out there that you'd never seen or felt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I was *happier* before kids in that I was more well rested, I had more leisure time and freedom, I could make amazing fun plans without a care in the world. I think I am more *fulfilled* after having kids because it has given my life an entire new meaning and purpose that I didn't really comprehend until I became a parent. To a non parent I know that sounds cheesy and I would have rolled my eyes too, before becoming a parent myself.

I think that since having children is such a strong biological , innate drive for humans (it's literally how our species survives), it would be hard to say you've experienced all life has to offer without experiencing this very basic human drive. It would be like never having sex your whole life, or never leaving your hometown your whole life. Yes, you could be incredibly happy and feel like your life was well lived, and that's all that really matters. But it's because you had no sense of what else was out there that you'd never seen or felt.

I disagree with this (and I have a kid).

There are people who go their whole lives without having sex or leaving their hometowns. But in abstaining from those things, they may experience something I never could. It's not what I would choose, but I'm not going to say that experience is "less than" because I really can't know. There are monks and nuns who abstain from sex to serve their religion, and I imagine they experience all kinds of things that I can't imagine and could be extremely fulfilling. A person who lived their entire life in one small town would have a depth of knowledge and experience about that place that I will never have about any place. Imagine living somewhere long enough to watch all the children become adults and grow old themselves. That would be something.

The truth is that every choice implies loss. In having kids, I lost the opportunity to experience a different kind of life. I'm happy with my choice but that doesn't mean my life is "more" this way. It's just different. I can never know what the alternative would have looked like, just like if OP chooses not to have kids, she will have to live with never knowing what her life with children might have been. There's no escaping that consequence of your choices, even when your choice is to NOT do something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I was *happier* before kids in that I was more well rested, I had more leisure time and freedom, I could make amazing fun plans without a care in the world. I think I am more *fulfilled* after having kids because it has given my life an entire new meaning and purpose that I didn't really comprehend until I became a parent. To a non parent I know that sounds cheesy and I would have rolled my eyes too, before becoming a parent myself.

I think that since having children is such a strong biological , innate drive for humans (it's literally how our species survives), it would be hard to say you've experienced all life has to offer without experiencing this very basic human drive. It would be like never having sex your whole life, or never leaving your hometown your whole life. Yes, you could be incredibly happy and feel like your life was well lived, and that's all that really matters. But it's because you had no sense of what else was out there that you'd never seen or felt.

I disagree with this (and I have a kid).

There are people who go their whole lives without having sex or leaving their hometowns. But in abstaining from those things, they may experience something I never could. It's not what I would choose, but I'm not going to say that experience is "less than" because I really can't know. There are monks and nuns who abstain from sex to serve their religion, and I imagine they experience all kinds of things that I can't imagine and could be extremely fulfilling. A person who lived their entire life in one small town would have a depth of knowledge and experience about that place that I will never have about any place. Imagine living somewhere long enough to watch all the children become adults and grow old themselves. That would be something.

The truth is that every choice implies loss. In having kids, I lost the opportunity to experience a different kind of life. I'm happy with my choice but that doesn't mean my life is "more" this way. It's just different. I can never know what the alternative would have looked like, just like if OP chooses not to have kids, she will have to live with never knowing what her life with children might have been. There's no escaping that consequence of your choices, even when your choice is to NOT do something.

That's fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I was *happier* before kids in that I was more well rested, I had more leisure time and freedom, I could make amazing fun plans without a care in the world. I think I am more *fulfilled* after having kids because it has given my life an entire new meaning and purpose that I didn't really comprehend until I became a parent. To a non parent I know that sounds cheesy and I would have rolled my eyes too, before becoming a parent myself.

I think that since having children is such a strong biological , innate drive for humans (it's literally how our species survives), it would be hard to say you've experienced all life has to offer without experiencing this very basic human drive. It would be like never having sex your whole life, or never leaving your hometown your whole life. Yes, you could be incredibly happy and feel like your life was well lived, and that's all that really matters. But it's because you had no sense of what else was out there that you'd never seen or felt.

I disagree with this (and I have a kid).

There are people who go their whole lives without having sex or leaving their hometowns. But in abstaining from those things, they may experience something I never could. It's not what I would choose, but I'm not going to say that experience is "less than" because I really can't know. There are monks and nuns who abstain from sex to serve their religion, and I imagine they experience all kinds of things that I can't imagine and could be extremely fulfilling. A person who lived their entire life in one small town would have a depth of knowledge and experience about that place that I will never have about any place. Imagine living somewhere long enough to watch all the children become adults and grow old themselves. That would be something.

The truth is that every choice implies loss. In having kids, I lost the opportunity to experience a different kind of life. I'm happy with my choice but that doesn't mean my life is "more" this way. It's just different. I can never know what the alternative would have looked like, just like if OP chooses not to have kids, she will have to live with never knowing what her life with children might have been. There's no escaping that consequence of your choices, even when your choice is to NOT do something.

Also have kids, and I completely agree.

I'm not Catholic, but know a nun who ran a Catholic orphanage. She raised dozens of kids, many of whom still consider her family, and I don't know how that can be anything but fulfilling.

[Anonymous]

The couples I know that said they were not having kids were very adamant about not having them. Never wanted them, could not imagine their lives with them. No wavering.
If you are on the fence I think you might end up regretting not having kids. One never regrets having them. I personally don't believe it's something you are really ready for even if planned. It's adding another person to your lives and the world and that's no small undertaking BUT don't over think it. If it were a solid NO then you wouldn't be on the fence. There is something there you need to think more on.

[Anonymous]

I was on the fence about having kids, but sort of always assumed I would. So, we have two. I love them, and I enjoy them so much more as they get older than when we were in the throes of parenting little ones. BUT. If I could make the choice over again, I would have remained child-free. It is not true that one never regrets having them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Extremely happy childless couple here. Our house is clean, quiet, and free of plastic thingamabobs in primary colors. Our bank accounts are full. We travel extensively, dine out, host friends, sleep in, and have lots of time to talk, exercise, cook elaborate meals, read, and sit in quiet contemplation. We are also an excellent aunt and uncle to our nephew and nieces. I understand the allure of children but am very happy with my choice. It's such a personal decision.

Well, aren't you selfish.

I mean, having kids is selfish too. You are not doing them or the world a favor, you’re doing it for yourself and your own enjoyment/desire for a family.

NP. That’s true to an extent. But actually nurturing and raising them means paying attention to someone different than yourself who has a lot of needs and feelings, and is quite literally dependent on you for an extended period. So although it may start with a narcissistic tendency it quickly becomes something that has nothing to do with what you want per se. Some women do use it as a substitute for figuring out their life but as soon as the kid is about 8 that stops working.

Guess you don't have a narcissistic mother

[Anonymous]

Of course you can, op. The fact that you’re phrasing this question as you are makes me think you may want a kid more then you will admit.

People always seem to talk about the negtives with kids, and I don’t understand this. It’s also possible to make homeownership and marriage sound terrible too.

Of course you’ll have hobbies and things you like if you are a healthy adult. As I told one of my kids once “We weren’t just sitting around waiting for you to appear”.
Think about it, you don’t have the kid lifestyle because you don’t have kids.. just like I don’t have a litter box because I don’t have a cat. If I ever do get a cat, I’ll get a litter box.

Kids are really no different.

I’ll agree with the poster who said you can create your own family culture with your kids. Watching someone else isn’t like having your own.

Think too about why you dread teenager. Who do you associate with that makes you this anxious. If you blame tv, remember every show needs a conflict and teens are a good source, they bring in ratings, young actresses and actors starting out can play teen roles easily.
Ask yourself how you’d feel if your husband came home and said “I regret not having kids, I’ve found a woman who can/will, I’m leaving you”. Would you think “Glad it isn’t me, have fun sucker” or “If I’d known you’d want this, I’d have moved heaven and earth to do this”.

Of course you can’t change it if you regret having kids. It’s also true that you cn’t change the past or any decision you make. I lived in a house I truly hated. I could move, but I can’t ever undo the memories or get the time back. I don’t dwell on it, I only say it to point out that “If you don’t like it, undo it” is a myth.

There is also a lot of leeway with kids. You can live in the city. You can live in the suburbs. You can live on a farm. You can dosports or not to sports. You can travel if you want. You can homeschool if you don’t want to be bound by the school schedule. You can volunteer.
You will also be impacted by the kids you have. One of ours wants to do an activity that never appealed to me. I decided yesterday we’re going to do it, her desire is catching. I have another kid in an activity that is really causing her to blossom, an activity I knew very little about until she joined.

Realize too that your 30’s will look very different from your 70’s. My parents are in their 70’s, and it’s interesting to me how much we talk about the past. We’ll hear a song and go right back to an activity we did where that song was played. My parents will see my kids or a picture of my kids and my dad will say “I remember when you did that”.
People are right, you don’t want to have kids to wipe your behind when you’re 90, but maybe you’d like someone who shares memories and experiences with you?

[Anonymous]

My childless NICU flight nurse sister seems to have a fulfilling life and in many was has done something more meaningful and impactful than I the one with kids has done