Can You Live A FulFilled Life Without Kids?

[Anonymous]

Yes, but don't attach yourself to your nieces and nephews and try to be the cool aunt/uncle/parent figure. You aren't raising or supporting them. It seems like these kinds of people want all the benefits/fun of kids without the sacrifice.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to be that poster but: this is the wrong question.

Can you have a fulfilling life without kids? Yes.
Can you have a fulfilling life without college? Yes.
Can you have a fulfilling life without marriage? Yes.
Can you have a fulfilling life without [anything people get pressured to do to have the "right" sort of life]? Yes.

You can also do all of these things and feel unfulfilled.

I don't know the secret to happiness (I have chronic depression, lol) but I do know that there is no key thing that will make life worthwhile for you. The biggest part of fulfillment for me has been outlook and perspective. Something that helps me make decisions like this is to think of my life as though it is a biography I am reading. What are the themes, what is the character arc, how does this decision fit into this person's overarching story?

When I was on the fence about having kids in my early 30s, it sounded expensive and expected. Like something I was supposed to do but that would imprison me in a series of other choices (living in a certain sort of home, having a certain kind of job, having a certain kind of marriage). It wasn't a hard no because I could see what was good about it too, but it felt very limiting and I didn't want to limit myself in that way. By my mid-30s, it sounded like an adventure, a big and long project my partner and I could go on together, with lots of twists and turns and no clear path. So we dove in. Those were the narratives, that's how the decision was made. It was right because we made it right.

No one can tell you whether or not to have kids. You cannot crowdsource your life. My advice to you is that whether you have children or not, ask yourself what story you want to tell about yourself, and approach your life with an author's eye. Don't have kids because someone on the internet told you you'd never be fulfilled otherwise. But also don't NOT have kids because someone on the internet told you that you could be fulfilled without them. Write your own story.

[Anonymous]

^^ PP makes a good point. It’s more interesting that you have to ask. Maybe spend some time unearthing your desires and fears around this so you can understand what YOU feel and want. There isn’t much of an objectively right answer either way.

[Anonymous]

My dh + I never wanted them. But, I got pregnant by accIdent + went thru with it cause I am Catholic. We have the best kid in the world. Best mistake I ever made.

I think the answer is you never know for sure OP. We got lucky with a superstar. But some of my family ended up with terrors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but don't attach yourself to your nieces and nephews and try to be the cool aunt/uncle/parent figure. You aren't raising or supporting them. It seems like these kinds of people want all the benefits/fun of kids without the sacrifice.

You sound strange. It's always better for kids to have more people that love them rather than fewer. And the kids don't complain about the cool stuff they get or fun experiences they have with their aunt and uncle!

[Anonymous]

My best friend is child free by choice. She had an amazing life - travel, lots of hobbies, career, good friends. She always says how much she loves coming over and playing with my kids, and then going home to her clean and quiet house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know many couples that are childless by choice. They are all happy and fulfilled.

+1, and I hate that society makes people without kids feel "less than."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but don't attach yourself to your nieces and nephews and try to be the cool aunt/uncle/parent figure. You aren't raising or supporting them. It seems like these kinds of people want all the benefits/fun of kids without the sacrifice.

Sorry, but this is a really weird martyr take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Extremely happy childless couple here. Our house is clean, quiet, and free of plastic thingamabobs in primary colors. Our bank accounts are full. We travel extensively, dine out, host friends, sleep in, and have lots of time to talk, exercise, cook elaborate meals, read, and sit in quiet contemplation. We are also an excellent aunt and uncle to our nephew and nieces. I understand the allure of children but am very happy with my choice. It's such a personal decision.

Childfree couple by choice and same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but don't attach yourself to your nieces and nephews and try to be the cool aunt/uncle/parent figure. You aren't raising or supporting them. It seems like these kinds of people want all the benefits/fun of kids without the sacrifice.

What’s wrong with that?

[Anonymous]

I was on the fence about kids, but my DH wanted them, so we did. Now they are 12 and 9. There were many ups and downs, but at this particular moment in time, I'm really glad I did have them. On the other hand, I probably wouldn't have really understood what I was missing if I hadn't.

I guess if I didn't have kids, I would want to have something else "worthy" in my life, that was pushing me out of my comfort zone. It's not just about being comfortable and doing things you like. People need to be challenged to be happy, and having kids is that built-in source of challenge that brings amazing rewards.

But, again, I don't know how things will change again as they grow and leave home. Maybe when they go off to college I'll be so miserable, I wish I never had them. Or maybe it'll feel wonderful.

In general, I would say that you may be happy or unhappy regardless of your choice. Kids bring so much work/worry and change, but also joy you didn't know you could experience. But either way, your life will probably include joy/challenges, in other areas. I guess I would just say that if you're overextended now, it'll be more difficult to add kids to the mix.

Oh... And there is also the biological clock thing. Some women do wake up one day in mid-40s and experience a physical need for children. Some men too. I knew a couple like that. They ended up experiencing infertility and then an amicable divorce. I'm not mentioning this to scare you into having kids, I personally don't care either way... But it does happen.

[Anonymous]

In our early 30s, we just got bored with DINK life. Novelty eventually wears off - we'd already seen so many amazing things. Travel stopped 'wow'ing us and brunch, farmers markets, and michelin restaurants stopped being delightful.

We compromised by deciding to have a single child. We get all the wonder and joy and novelty of parenthood but less of the burdens. No regrets - we love our little family of three and feel so much more hope and investment in the future.

[Anonymous]

We were 100% all in on kids, had two (wanted three but no luck) and zero regrets.

I can totally see a different life where no kids could be zero regrets too.

There are trade offs but of course you can life a fulfilled life without kids.

[Anonymous]

I think you totally can. I have 2 and in the throes of little kid parenting. But it’s possible to lead a great life without. The challenge is really in older age. I see my parents and in-laws be completely lit up when their grandkids are around and especially the in laws who are 75+ are really working on keeping enough energy and health to spend lots of time with the kids as they are getting older. For others at the same age you have to find other outlets for love and caring especially when everything gets much harder and the world shrinks to close by activities etc.

[Anonymous]

I am childless not by choice and after making peace with that I think I have managed to craft a really great life. I also have children in my life that didn't come from my womb and we spend time and do things that together so that helps me a lot.