Can You Live A FulFilled Life Without Kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was on the fence about having kids, but sort of always assumed I would. So, we have two. I love them, and I enjoy them so much more as they get older than when we were in the throes of parenting little ones. BUT. If I could make the choice over again, I would have remained child-free. It is not true that one never regrets having them.

Plus 100

Same. It's impossible to make this decision either way and also be truly confident you won't ever have regrets. I told myself I wanted to be a parent for so long (since childhood) that I never stopped to examine if it was the right choice for me. I told myself a very narrow story about motherhood and my experience has challenged that story in ways I never imagined. My kids are absolutely the source of all the most joyful and meaningful moments of my life, but I have the life experience and hindsight to realize that I may have felt happier and more fulfilled personally if I had remained child-free. I don't think that realization devalues my kids at all.

This is so well-stated and I feel the exact same. Thank you.

Maybe because you both had expectations that were too high? It’s funny because I was never into kids, not comfortable with babies, never felt particularly ready to be a mother. But I have always known that as a life choice, I would be a mother of several kids, if possible 3. Not out of any idealization of it. But because rationally I knew I wanted a family, I knew I wanted that bond, and I could also visualize myself as an older person with a big family around.

And I had 2 kids (husband didn’t want a third so had to stop there). And it is exactly what I imagined, overwhelming, time consuming, tiresome, frustrating and stressful at times. But without a doubt the best thing that happened to me. I have a pretty intense career and I love my rewarding and meaningful job, have tons of friends and a great marriage. But for me everything pales in comparison to being a parent, at a very primal level, i can feel that it fulfilled my life and helped me get rid of deep questioning about why I am alive.Now I have a simple purpose and I know I can die in peace (when they are ready to be happy without me).

In order to find the same level of fulfillment I would have needed to find it through my work or my political / community engagement (or artistic if I was an artist). And I am not sure I would have been able to. A lot of people can find that fulfillment somewhere else and all the power to them. I am not saying everyone needs to be a parent. But for me it was 100% clear.

I really love that perspective. (I am 48, no kids by choice, don't regret that decision. I never say never - I think it looks wonderful having a relationship with adult kids and with grandkids. But the non-stop-ness of raising children just seemed like torture to me. And I like kids! I just don't like not having time to myself.)

[Anonymous]

In my small circle of close college friends, 3 of us are old moms (first kids between 38-41 and two of us had micro preemies). Parenting isn't easy but my daughter is the absolute joy of my life. All of us who had kids are really happy we did. Our other friend is happily child free, loves her time with her niece but has never wanted kids of her own. The people I know who really have struggled with not having kids are those who had a long period of infertility that closed the door for them, I think it's harder if you don't feel like it was a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have kids and a large part of me regrets it. That is worse.

Some of my closest friends are child-free couples and they live great, fulfilled, complete lives. Many have kids in their life tangentially which is enough for them — ie being aunts and uncles, occasionally seeing their friends’ kids, etc.

Why do you regret it?

Because I did not fully understand or appreciate the fact that 95 out of 100 days with kids are a complete slog that you're just trying to make it through. No family member, person I knew, or tv show growing up explained the sheer amount of work kids would be and how thankless it is. I was the oldest sibling and the the oldest cousin in my family, so I was the first to get married and have kids -- did not have much experience with kids prior to having my own or getting to see the hard/dark parts. It's portrayed as "hard, BUT super rewarding" but honestly, what are the rewards? I see few about 10 years in. I do love my kids and feel moments of joy with them, but I also think I could have found those feelings in other ways as a child-free person too.

For additional context, I have had a disengaged partner who did 0.1% of parenting for many years, a child with mild ADHD who didn't sleep through the night for his first four years of life, and live 1,500 miles from the closest family, which has certainly made it all more difficult.

But the point is, as a PP so eloquently put, I had such a narrow understanding of what parenting would be that I didn't even consider the above complexities were possible or likely.

[Anonymous]

I think people are happier without kids. I don't know if that continues into old age, but I can tell you that the 30/40 year olds with kids are much less happy than the ones I know without them.

[Anonymous]

I have two kids and just got over a stomach bug while nursing a 2 month old barfing in between and taking care of my 3 year old. Now I am worried the kids will get it.

So that’s parenting for you. I can guarantee you you are and will be happier than me.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely.

I love my child but my DH and I both agreed we could've gone either way (childfree or parenthood) and been happy. If I'd known the pandemic was comign I never would have had a kid.

[Anonymous]

I think you are just lucky to have the option. I am 40 and have never met my person. I am not interested in raising a child alone so in all likelihood will never have children. I have a nice life, but I feel really sad about what I may have missed out on or at the least the ability to make the choice.

[Anonymous]

Can you? It's "wants to." The childless by choice are all about I-want-want-want.

[Anonymous]

NP. It really depends what you value.

Good strong connections with family and friends are the most important things in my life. I also really value my challenging career where l think hard, problem solve and help people every day. Yes l like to travel, sleep in, read adult books and movies. Being a parent is a long game and you sign up knowing you can’t possibly know how tiring and brutal it will be for the first couple of years. But they pass and then it’s soooo worth it. My 9 year old kid is my favorite person in the whole world. Life is full of risk and luck. Either choice is a risk.

[Anonymous]

I couldn't have had a fulfilled life without kids, but I don't think I speak for anyone other than myself. What a weird question.

I have many female friends without children (or partners), life long friends since early teens in some cases. Most of them seem pretty fulfilled and I'm sure if they'd wanted to have children they'd have gone about that, in whatever form.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are on the fence about having kids. We don’t have a strong desire to have them but we do worry we regret them when it’s too late to have them. We are leaning more towards not having them since we can’t undo that once we have kids. We can see ourselves with a baby and toddler but the thought of raising a kid for life and dealing with teenagers is so unappealing and not something we are sure we want to do. We are very happy and have hobbies that keep us active and busy. There is still this one slim worry that we will wake up 5 years from now and want kids and it will be too late. I know it’s better to not have and potentially regret to have and regret. I worry years from now we won’t have kids to bond over and that our marriage may become lonely. Are childless couples really happy? If you were on the fence, what did you choose and do you regret it?

Absolutely can unless you keep comparing yourselves to people with children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In our early 30s, we just got bored with DINK life. Novelty eventually wears off - we'd already seen so many amazing things. Travel stopped 'wow'ing us and brunch, farmers markets, and michelin restaurants stopped being delightful.

We compromised by deciding to have a single child. We get all the wonder and joy and novelty of parenthood but less of the burdens. No regrets - we love our little family of three and feel so much more hope and investment in the future.

i could have written this! this was our story. we love our family of 3 as well!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Extremely happy childless couple here. Our house is clean, quiet, and free of plastic thingamabobs in primary colors. Our bank accounts are full. We travel extensively, dine out, host friends, sleep in, and have lots of time to talk, exercise, cook elaborate meals, read, and sit in quiet contemplation. We are also an excellent aunt and uncle to our nephew and nieces. I understand the allure of children but am very happy with my choice. It's such a personal decision.

Well, aren't you selfish.

This rates pretty low on the selfishness scale, if at all.

As a mother of two under 5, I got jealous reading that post! I would love to have a month of that, and then have my kids delivered back safe and sound

It’s not selfish but that sounds like an incredibly shallow life to me.

Child free people volunteer to more social causes than parents do…they are also often caretakers of extended family members. Stop judging them as shallow. There are more ways to give back to society than procreation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are just lucky to have the option. I am 40 and have never met my person. I am not interested in raising a child alone so in all likelihood will never have children. I have a nice life, but I feel really sad about what I may have missed out on or at the least the ability to make the choice.

I would rather be you than marry someone who pulled a bait and switch after marriage about kids. The agreement was no kids. I knew I would not find it “rewarding”—to much work and too much sacrifice of what I wanted to do in life. I am now divorced with kids and feel like my life was hijacked. Not everyone who married “meet their person” or finds happiness. I was miserable the entire time.

If you really want kids, you can have one on your own or adopt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are just lucky to have the option. I am 40 and have never met my person. I am not interested in raising a child alone so in all likelihood will never have children. I have a nice life, but I feel really sad about what I may have missed out on or at the least the ability to make the choice.

Why do you not want to raise a child alone?

I was you. I never found my person. In my 30s, I saw the world and was professionally successful. By my 40s, I felt like I was repeating myself, and that there was something missing. In mid 40s, I hit the jackpot and adopted a newborn. DC was in a desperate situation. Now, DC is a few months away from being an adult. I admit that sometimes I look at DC and say to myself, “Wow, I did it!” I totally re-invented myself in Chapter 2 as DC’s mom, and, because of the professionally successful part, i have been able to give DC a pretty great childhood. I can’t imagine how my life would have turned out without DC. If you want to do it, do it. It can happen to you the way it happened to me.