How stressed is your senior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD was stressed until she got the EA she wanted in December and now is pretty checked out from the social aspects of high school. Academically she’s still engaged (5 core APs) but she’s lost interest in anything else but babysitting to make money for college. She’s also pulling away from us. It’s concerning.

Well, duh she's pulling away and it shouldn't be concerning. It's normal, healthy late-teen development. She's gearing up to fly the nest in six months. She's mentally separating from the family unit enough to do that. Of course she's spending alone time in her room, or away from the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know very few parents or children that are uneducated about the difficulty of gaining acceptance into extremely elite schools. It is a dream, not reality and they are aware.

Then why are so many stunned and devastated each year? (as evidenced by posts to this site). Saying that if their child can't get into some elite school, the whole system is broken. That the process was "horrific."

That does not sound like grounded people who know how to interpret statistics and therefore understood all along that rejection was the most likely outcome.

I think many have an unhealthy attachment to external badges of merit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guess we should just be thankful to have gotten into UMD but not gonna lie, UVA and ED Vanderbilt rejection hurt. I get it you need a hook, but caption of 2 varsity sports, close to perfect grades 35 ACT and class President. It seemed like he lowered the bar to not apply to IVY but wow, kid is super depressed.

I am really sorry to read this. My kid is in a similar boat. I am trying very hard to stay upbeat and absorb his stress so he can be happy. Secretly, I am very worried for him.

I know some exceptionally strong students that are thriving at UMD. It is a very good option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know very few parents or children that are uneducated about the difficulty of gaining acceptance into extremely elite schools. It is a dream, not reality and they are aware.

Then why are so many stunned and devastated each year? (as evidenced by posts to this site). Saying that if their child can't get into some elite school, the whole system is broken. That the process was "horrific."

That does not sound like grounded people who know how to interpret statistics and therefore understood all along that rejection was the most likely outcome.

I think many have an unhealthy attachment to external badges of merit.

Maybe the few that are stunned are posting on here but most will decide on a final option and move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the lore of the classes of 2021 and 2022 spread, it is going to be increasingly difficult for kids to be motivated in high school for some brass ring of T20 college as a reward. Seeing all these high stats, strong EC kids "settling" for "lessor" schools is very hard.

Good. Maybe a reset in how we think about college is in order. Maybe we, are parents, need to stop pushing our kids to take 14 APs, get a 34/1500+/ participate in so many ECs and believe that aT20 college is the only answer. It’s a race to nowhere. My 2020 kid is now having to make decisions about summers and study await her an eye towards grad school. It never stops.

I had a 2020 kid at TJ and have a 2022 kid. And the pandemic has made me realize how batsh*t crazy academics and college admissions are in this area. It was such a relief in spring of 2020 to be forced to stop. And then restart at a slower pace. It made me realize how crazy our pace of life was and how exhausted we were. I’ve also seen my friends in other parts of the country have kids get into the same range of colleges as my kids with 1/2 the APs, 100 points less on the SATs and many fewer ECs.

The system is broken. A more sane system, like Canada or Europe would be healthier.

For actual top kids, it isn't the parents pushing. There are some kids where they want the challenge and thrive with it.

Some students absolutely push themselves into the crazy and not the parents. I have more than one and the one that made it into the most competitive college, did it on his own. Sibling are not the same. It's all fine.

Sure. I have a type A overachiever. But, it’s my job as a parent to recognize that has the potential to become unhealthy and lead to mental health issues. And to encourage my kid to have balance. To reassure her that life doesn’t end if it’s not an Ivy or if Bs happen. To encourage sleep and exercise and healthy habits. To help them learn how to draw boundaries. To be the person who says no— you aren’t sleeping enough, you are short tempered and frazzled, you can’t add another activity. Not paying for it or otherwise supporting it. To praise healthy habits. To show excitement for “safety” schools.

It’s not fine when parents pressure pressure kids. It’s not fine when the kids pressure themselves to the point of carrying enormous levels of stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the lore of the classes of 2021 and 2022 spread, it is going to be increasingly difficult for kids to be motivated in high school for some brass ring of T20 college as a reward. Seeing all these high stats, strong EC kids "settling" for "lessor" schools is very hard.

Good. Maybe a reset in how we think about college is in order. Maybe we, are parents, need to stop pushing our kids to take 14 APs, get a 34/1500+/ participate in so many ECs and believe that aT20 college is the only answer. It’s a race to nowhere. My 2020 kid is now having to make decisions about summers and study await her an eye towards grad school. It never stops.

I had a 2020 kid at TJ and have a 2022 kid. And the pandemic has made me realize how batsh*t crazy academics and college admissions are in this area. It was such a relief in spring of 2020 to be forced to stop. And then restart at a slower pace. It made me realize how crazy our pace of life was and how exhausted we were. I’ve also seen my friends in other parts of the country have kids get into the same range of colleges as my kids with 1/2 the APs, 100 points less on the SATs and many fewer ECs.

The system is broken. A more sane system, like Canada or Europe would be healthier.

For actual top kids, it isn't the parents pushing. There are some kids where they want the challenge and thrive with it.

Some students absolutely push themselves into the crazy and not the parents. I have more than one and the one that made it into the most competitive college, did it on his own. Sibling are not the same. It's all fine.

If you are sitting back and letting your kid push themselves into crazy, that’s crappy parenting. And I say this as the parent of a TJ kid.

[Anonymous]

My child’s teacher said she has never seen a class of seniors so stressed out. She said they are under a lot of pressure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the lore of the classes of 2021 and 2022 spread, it is going to be increasingly difficult for kids to be motivated in high school for some brass ring of T20 college as a reward. Seeing all these high stats, strong EC kids "settling" for "lessor" schools is very hard.

Good. Maybe a reset in how we think about college is in order. Maybe we, are parents, need to stop pushing our kids to take 14 APs, get a 34/1500+/ participate in so many ECs and believe that aT20 college is the only answer. It’s a race to nowhere. My 2020 kid is now having to make decisions about summers and study await her an eye towards grad school. It never stops.

I had a 2020 kid at TJ and have a 2022 kid. And the pandemic has made me realize how batsh*t crazy academics and college admissions are in this area. It was such a relief in spring of 2020 to be forced to stop. And then restart at a slower pace. It made me realize how crazy our pace of life was and how exhausted we were. I’ve also seen my friends in other parts of the country have kids get into the same range of colleges as my kids with 1/2 the APs, 100 points less on the SATs and many fewer ECs.

The system is broken. A more sane system, like Canada or Europe would be healthier.

For actual top kids, it isn't the parents pushing. There are some kids where they want the challenge and thrive with it.

Some students absolutely push themselves into the crazy and not the parents. I have more than one and the one that made it into the most competitive college, did it on his own. Sibling are not the same. It's all fine.

If you are sitting back and letting your kid push themselves into crazy, that’s crappy parenting. And I say this as the parent of a TJ kid.

Crazy is an exaggeration. If a kid is running fast and far and is thriving that is ok. I am not saying I could do it...I go to bed. I am not saying the siblings are interested.....they are not. Does no one have a kid that wears them out with everything they want to do and seems fine doing it? What is wrong with letting kids that that do their thing?

[Anonymous]

Just want to chime in and say that there's also a lot of stress at the other end of the GPA & SAT spectrum. As things have become more competitive at the 2nd level of top schools, this pushes the kids who used to be shoo-ins there to the 3rd level, displacing those kids into the 4th level, and so on. It is actually difficult to find a school where a URM kid with less than an 1100 and a GPA lower than a 3.0 UW can get in without worrying that they may get rejected. I was joking/not joking that I'd be willing to pay several of the SLACs for the honor of handing over $75K+ a year to them for the next 4 years. He finally managed to get into one without doing anything illegal, LOL! But damn! He had to work the hell out of "demonstrated interest," his essays, and interviews to make that happen. I was reaching out to friends who had gone to these schools, profs I knew there, anyone who could give us some insight on what he could highlight to become the kid they accepted despite the hit the school's scores would take on those stupid USNWR ratings.

And then there's the issue of whether you can afford the school if they do let you in. In our case, we have the money saved to pay for the really solid and good fit SLAC that admitted him and that he likes. Knowing that we had a big fat 529 to cover the costs wherever he could find a spot was the only reason I was able to sleep for the past few months. I don't know how I would have handled it if the school also had to be super affordable. Those tend to be places in the south or in rural areas where he wouldn't fit in and wouldn't be safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The high pressure comes from kids and 'internally' because of what they perceive adult values around them to be. The pressure may not be direct, but it is there. So stop kidding yourselves.

Not true. Pressure comes from the environment to measure up. To take as many AP’s as your peers and do travel sports and clubs etc. I know parents who pushed their kids on the advanced math track just because they think it’s important for selective colleges whether or not the kid is able to handle it. My kid was in advanced math class but I didn’t have to do anything to get him on the track.. Then I had a mom of a first grader ask me how did you get him to take Algebra in 6th grade and would it be necessary to get into an Ivy without that path? I was shocked to hear this question!
On another note, many many kids take adderal in college. This kid from Penn bragged about it to my kid (not at penn)howeveryone takes it and especially during exams where they stay up for 4 straight nights!

You’re not hearing what I’m saying. Adults ultimately control that environment to “measure up”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just want to chime in and say that there's also a lot of stress at the other end of the GPA & SAT spectrum. As things have become more competitive at the 2nd level of top schools, this pushes the kids who used to be shoo-ins there to the 3rd level, displacing those kids into the 4th level, and so on. It is actually difficult to find a school where a URM kid with less than an 1100 and a GPA lower than a 3.0 UW can get in without worrying that they may get rejected. I was joking/not joking that I'd be willing to pay several of the SLACs for the honor of handing over $75K+ a year to them for the next 4 years. He finally managed to get into one without doing anything illegal, LOL! But damn! He had to work the hell out of "demonstrated interest," his essays, and interviews to make that happen. I was reaching out to friends who had gone to these schools, profs I knew there, anyone who could give us some insight on what he could highlight to become the kid they accepted despite the hit the school's scores would take on those stupid USNWR ratings.

And then there's the issue of whether you can afford the school if they do let you in. In our case, we have the money saved to pay for the really solid and good fit SLAC that admitted him and that he likes. Knowing that we had a big fat 529 to cover the costs wherever he could find a spot was the only reason I was able to sleep for the past few months. I don't know how I would have handled it if the school also had to be super affordable. Those tend to be places in the south or in rural areas where he wouldn't fit in and wouldn't be safe.

So glad it worked out! Congratulations (to you and your son).

You raise good points.

The voices on this site are often skewed in one direction…but their experiences are not the norm, or more important than other people’s.

[Anonymous]

Kids take drugs to stay up everywhere. It doesn’t matter if it’s Ivy or Texas Tech. Why is this so surprising?

[Anonymous]

How did this start out being a thread about how seniors are doing and turn into parenting bashing and judgment? It's "crappy" or "bad" parenting that admissions have become so competitive and kids are frustrated? It's parental expectations that kids are bummed about not getting into a school they are clearly contenders for? (& being bummed about not getting in is not that same as expecting to get in -- we expected deferral, hoped for acceptance, prepared for rejection). It's parents' fault every other kid seems to have started their own tutoring nonprofit during covid and your kid is stressed that their service isn't enough? This is nuts. Can we just support one another's kids here and back off the hair-trigger judgments? I think that's a first step to reducing stress!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The high pressure comes from kids and 'internally' because of what they perceive adult values around them to be. The pressure may not be direct, but it is there. So stop kidding yourselves.

Not true. Pressure comes from the environment to measure up. To take as many AP’s as your peers and do travel sports and clubs etc. I know parents who pushed their kids on the advanced math track just because they think it’s important for selective colleges whether or not the kid is able to handle it. My kid was in advanced math class but I didn’t have to do anything to get him on the track.. Then I had a mom of a first grader ask me how did you get him to take Algebra in 6th grade and would it be necessary to get into an Ivy without that path? I was shocked to hear this question!
On another note, many many kids take adderal in college. This kid from Penn bragged about it to my kid (not at penn)howeveryone takes it and especially during exams where they stay up for 4 straight nights!

You’re not hearing what I’m saying. Adults ultimately control that environment to “measure up”

Unfortunately, what you are talking about involves adults and community norms that go far beyond values inside one's home. By high school, teens are taking their cues from the broader community, which has set exceptionally high standards for local kids. On any given day, my kid may get pummeled with questions by their dentist, neighbor, vet, you name it, on their college plans. And don't get me started on the cookie-cutter lofty expectations of many MCPS schools--namely, the W schools. Every now and then, you encounter a voice of sanity, but the overall norms are extreme, myopic, and based on faulty assumptions about what particular colleges or college degrees will yield in the future.

[Anonymous]

My senior DD has five admits, including the school she'll likely to attend. She's feeling fine!! No stress!! Waiting to hear from RDs (T20 colleges) where she'll likely not get in, but at this point, it doesn't matter.