Culture and public vs private school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The code isn't private school but money. It just appears and is reinforced more often at private schools for obvious reasons. But the same code is found at fancy suburban high schools in places like Greenwich and Bronxville while plenty of private school grads languish in obscurity and mediocrity.

People overthink this and social engineering too much. Going to public school doesn't make you nicer. Going to a more diverse school doesn't make you more tolerant. The vast majority of people will grow into an innately comfortable network of likeminded peers based on personalities and interests and expectations so they will end up in homogenous environments one way or another.

I disagree. Going to school with classmates who live in subsidized housing, or can’t afford to eat out, or who get free lunch every day, or who don’t have passports, can’t afford summer internships, or who have a parent in jail… these are differences that won’t been seen and accepted as “normal” in private schools.

You disagree with what? Not clear.

If you are saying that going to a rarefied environment where you never encounter the less privileged is part of the code, then you're wrong. The code is having money and the confidence stemming from it, not lack of exposure to poverty.

I know people who went to elite private schools. I know people who went to small town public schools and diverse urban schools. There is no inherent superiority to any one of these types of schools. Individual personalities go far more than the school setting in determining your outlook on life. Some of the most incredibly sympathetic and charitable people I know are private school graduates while some of the most self absorbed and selfish people with no sympathy for other people's plights are public school graduates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The code isn't private school but money. It just appears and is reinforced more often at private schools for obvious reasons. But the same code is found at fancy suburban high schools in places like Greenwich and Bronxville while plenty of private school grads languish in obscurity and mediocrity.

People overthink this and social engineering too much. Going to public school doesn't make you nicer. Going to a more diverse school doesn't make you more tolerant. The vast majority of people will grow into an innately comfortable network of likeminded peers based on personalities and interests and expectations so they will end up in homogenous environments one way or another.

I disagree. Going to school with classmates who live in subsidized housing, or can’t afford to eat out, or who get free lunch every day, or who don’t have passports, can’t afford summer internships, or who have a parent in jail… these are differences that won’t been seen and accepted as “normal” in private schools.

So you agree with the PP that its about money. Because all of those are “normal” for folks without money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The code isn't private school but money. It just appears and is reinforced more often at private schools for obvious reasons. But the same code is found at fancy suburban high schools in places like Greenwich and Bronxville while plenty of private school grads languish in obscurity and mediocrity.

People overthink this and social engineering too much. Going to public school doesn't make you nicer. Going to a more diverse school doesn't make you more tolerant. The vast majority of people will grow into an innately comfortable network of likeminded peers based on personalities and interests and expectations so they will end up in homogenous environments one way or another.

I disagree. Going to school with classmates who live in subsidized housing, or can’t afford to eat out, or who get free lunch every day, or who don’t have passports, can’t afford summer internships, or who have a parent in jail… these are differences that won’t been seen and accepted as “normal” in private schools.

NP. But your child will definitely notice these differences. They likely won’t be close friends with these kids since their worlds are so different, but they will work with them on projects, eat lunch with them, and know they exist in the world in a real way. They will also see that their wealth is NOT the norm.

And if you are concerned with peer influence, there are rich kids with terrible parents and poor kids with terrible parents. Rich kids with terrible parents are usually the spoiled kids that are super entitled yet very average in everything they do. They are the low ambition, family money kids who will burn through money as an adult and are not at all interesting. Public school will have less of this, and more poor kids with terrible parents. But your child is able to see the differences clearly and will see the right from wrong. They will be more motivated to do well in school, be more ambitious, and have a better grasp on reality. They will likely be closest with other wealthy public school families- who generally do not have the same proportional entitlement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The code isn't private school but money. It just appears and is reinforced more often at private schools for obvious reasons. But the same code is found at fancy suburban high schools in places like Greenwich and Bronxville while plenty of private school grads languish in obscurity and mediocrity.

People overthink this and social engineering too much. Going to public school doesn't make you nicer. Going to a more diverse school doesn't make you more tolerant. The vast majority of people will grow into an innately comfortable network of likeminded peers based on personalities and interests and expectations so they will end up in homogenous environments one way or another.

I disagree. Going to school with classmates who live in subsidized housing, or can’t afford to eat out, or who get free lunch every day, or who don’t have passports, can’t afford summer internships, or who have a parent in jail… these are differences that won’t been seen and accepted as “normal” in private schools.

It is important that kids know kids who are in lower SES so we break the cycle of thinking people are poor due to moral failure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The code isn't private school but money. It just appears and is reinforced more often at private schools for obvious reasons. But the same code is found at fancy suburban high schools in places like Greenwich and Bronxville while plenty of private school grads languish in obscurity and mediocrity.

People overthink this and social engineering too much. Going to public school doesn't make you nicer. Going to a more diverse school doesn't make you more tolerant. The vast majority of people will grow into an innately comfortable network of likeminded peers based on personalities and interests and expectations so they will end up in homogenous environments one way or another.

I disagree. Going to school with classmates who live in subsidized housing, or can’t afford to eat out, or who get free lunch every day, or who don’t have passports, can’t afford summer internships, or who have a parent in jail… these are differences that won’t been seen and accepted as “normal” in private schools.

It is important that kids know kids who are in lower SES so we break the cycle of thinking people are poor due to moral failure.

Well I’m not sure that is what they will gain…

There are a LOT of lower SES kids that are disproportionately more problematic; breaking school materials/property, starting fights, disregard for rules, cursing at teachings. Of course not all, but your child will definitely see the low SES being a huge headache for the school and learning. Call it moral failure, call it poor parenting, call it not ever being taught better, call it whatever, but it will be seen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The code isn't private school but money. It just appears and is reinforced more often at private schools for obvious reasons. But the same code is found at fancy suburban high schools in places like Greenwich and Bronxville while plenty of private school grads languish in obscurity and mediocrity.

People overthink this and social engineering too much. Going to public school doesn't make you nicer. Going to a more diverse school doesn't make you more tolerant. The vast majority of people will grow into an innately comfortable network of likeminded peers based on personalities and interests and expectations so they will end up in homogenous environments one way or another.

I disagree. Going to school with classmates who live in subsidized housing, or can’t afford to eat out, or who get free lunch every day, or who don’t have passports, can’t afford summer internships, or who have a parent in jail… these are differences that won’t been seen and accepted as “normal” in private schools.

It is important that kids know kids who are in lower SES so we break the cycle of thinking people are poor due to moral failure.

Well I’m not sure that is what they will gain…

There are a LOT of lower SES kids that are disproportionately more problematic; breaking school materials/property, starting fights, disregard for rules, cursing at teachings. Of course not all, but your child will definitely see the low SES being a huge headache for the school and learning. Call it moral failure, call it poor parenting, call it not ever being taught better, call it whatever, but it will be seen

Well the things they learned from rich entitle brats wasn’t much better. My kid’s experience with “poor” kids in public school has been overall positive. The “poor” kids were far nicer than the wealthy private school kids by a long shot. It was a far more positive environment… where as the wealthy private had OTT relational aggression. The way the kids spoke of the few minority children horrified my kid and me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The code isn't private school but money. It just appears and is reinforced more often at private schools for obvious reasons. But the same code is found at fancy suburban high schools in places like Greenwich and Bronxville while plenty of private school grads languish in obscurity and mediocrity.

People overthink this and social engineering too much. Going to public school doesn't make you nicer. Going to a more diverse school doesn't make you more tolerant. The vast majority of people will grow into an innately comfortable network of likeminded peers based on personalities and interests and expectations so they will end up in homogenous environments one way or another.

I disagree. Going to school with classmates who live in subsidized housing, or can’t afford to eat out, or who get free lunch every day, or who don’t have passports, can’t afford summer internships, or who have a parent in jail… these are differences that won’t been seen and accepted as “normal” in private schools.

Not disagreeing with you. I would rather my child be around the worst of the “poor” kids than the worst of the rich kids. OPs kids will not have poor kid problems and will know those are not his peers. But being around the worst of the rich entitled kids things get blurry as he may see them as his peers and pick up those behaviors and attitudes. In my experience, the wealthy kids at public schools are less likely to be entitled brats and generally have parents that align with how I am raising my kids.


It is important that kids know kids who are in lower SES so we break the cycle of thinking people are poor due to moral failure.

Well I’m not sure that is what they will gain…

There are a LOT of lower SES kids that are disproportionately more problematic; breaking school materials/property, starting fights, disregard for rules, cursing at teachings. Of course not all, but your child will definitely see the low SES being a huge headache for the school and learning. Call it moral failure, call it poor parenting, call it not ever being taught better, call it whatever, but it will be seen

Well the things they learned from rich entitle brats wasn’t much better. My kid’s experience with “poor” kids in public school has been overall positive. The “poor” kids were far nicer than the wealthy private school kids by a long shot. It was a far more positive environment… where as the wealthy private had OTT relational aggression. The way the kids spoke of the few minority children horrified my kid and me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The code isn't private school but money. It just appears and is reinforced more often at private schools for obvious reasons. But the same code is found at fancy suburban high schools in places like Greenwich and Bronxville while plenty of private school grads languish in obscurity and mediocrity.

People overthink this and social engineering too much. Going to public school doesn't make you nicer. Going to a more diverse school doesn't make you more tolerant. The vast majority of people will grow into an innately comfortable network of likeminded peers based on personalities and interests and expectations so they will end up in homogenous environments one way or another.

I disagree. Going to school with classmates who live in subsidized housing, or can’t afford to eat out, or who get free lunch every day, or who don’t have passports, can’t afford summer internships, or who have a parent in jail… these are differences that won’t been seen and accepted as “normal” in private schools.

It is important that kids know kids who are in lower SES so we break the cycle of thinking people are poor due to moral failure.

Well I’m not sure that is what they will gain…

There are a LOT of lower SES kids that are disproportionately more problematic; breaking school materials/property, starting fights, disregard for rules, cursing at teachings. Of course not all, but your child will definitely see the low SES being a huge headache for the school and learning. Call it moral failure, call it poor parenting, call it not ever being taught better, call it whatever, but it will be seen

You should stop referring to this a only a lower SES problem, because their are a number of HIGH SES kids who cause headaches for teachers and schools, not to mention their parents. Please believe that all High SES kids are not walking around with halos.

[Anonymous]

Having money and going to a private school and even belonging to the local country club does not give you the code. The code is old money who operate a layer above regular rich people. They have connections with only the most elite, upper echelons of society and political power types to get what they want. They almost always go to private, but they could go to public and still have the code. They are the types in the documentary "Born Rich," which shows what happens when these pampered, sheltered kids with the code go to college. Their family makes them stay in the dorm, and they get to be friends with the "regular kids" (kids also with money but not with the code), but then they go back home to their circle of accepted peers and marry within that circle. It's like they view college as a few years of seeing how the other half lives, but generally there are no lasting friendships, and no ordinary person, no matter how much money they have, make it to the real inner circle or ever get to achieve "the code."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The code isn't private school but money. It just appears and is reinforced more often at private schools for obvious reasons. But the same code is found at fancy suburban high schools in places like Greenwich and Bronxville while plenty of private school grads languish in obscurity and mediocrity.

People overthink this and social engineering too much. Going to public school doesn't make you nicer. Going to a more diverse school doesn't make you more tolerant. The vast majority of people will grow into an innately comfortable network of likeminded peers based on personalities and interests and expectations so they will end up in homogenous environments one way or another.

I disagree. Going to school with classmates who live in subsidized housing, or can’t afford to eat out, or who get free lunch every day, or who don’t have passports, can’t afford summer internships, or who have a parent in jail… these are differences that won’t been seen and accepted as “normal” in private schools.

If you send your kid to a top public in a wealthy area like Whitman or Churchill, you won't have these problems. And it's very likely that kids at these top publics know the "code" too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The code isn't private school but money. It just appears and is reinforced more often at private schools for obvious reasons. But the same code is found at fancy suburban high schools in places like Greenwich and Bronxville while plenty of private school grads languish in obscurity and mediocrity.

People overthink this and social engineering too much. Going to public school doesn't make you nicer. Going to a more diverse school doesn't make you more tolerant. The vast majority of people will grow into an innately comfortable network of likeminded peers based on personalities and interests and expectations so they will end up in homogenous environments one way or another.

I disagree. Going to school with classmates who live in subsidized housing, or can’t afford to eat out, or who get free lunch every day, or who don’t have passports, can’t afford summer internships, or who have a parent in jail… these are differences that won’t been seen and accepted as “normal” in private schools.

My kids went k-8 to public school with high FARMs rate and had plenty of friends from all SES levels, even though our own neighborhood is wealthy. They played on the same sports teams and invited them to bday parties, and met with them at the local parks. Some really great kids.

My youngest is in 8th grade now and it’s night and day with these a few of these same kids and we are pulling back on our kid hanging out with them. These kids as teens now have almost no supervision. Their direction for the future is not there. They are seeking a lot of risk taking behavior.

I can’t wait until my kid joins older sibling at private high school next year to break from this peer group. The private isn’t a big 3 and there are kids from different SES levels, the difference the parents that choose to put their kids in this school and the kids themselves are highly focused on academics, athletics and have a focus and drive for the future which is lacking in a good portion of some of the kids from public in the subsidized housing. People are watching out for these kids in they’re homes, at their school and among their friends. Drugs, weapons, violence, truancy, etc are a real problem at the public high school.

So at a young age it wasn’t bad, but as the kids got older and the schools got bigger and they didn’t have a single teacher stepping in and watching them, they begin hanging out with bad influences. And, yes, kids from wealthy backgrounds can also be a bad influence, etc., etc.. but the parents generally know one another and there is a bigger set of eyes and safety net.