Culture and public vs private school

[Anonymous]

My DC is about to hit a grade where if we go private, now is the time to think about making some moves.

My DH and I went to private our whole lives. My DH is super against sending our child to private. DH went to a big deal private here and disliked it. He is not convinced the education is worth the price, thinks our child has a better shot at college and life skills in a AP track public, and doesn’t want our child to think the world works the way DH believes private school kids around here do.

I can only admit this anonymously, I’m so embarrassed, but this the truth. I am afraid if my child doesn’t go to private school he’ll never be able to move in upper class circles with total ease. He won’t understand those sort of dog whistle references or get exposed to some things that are good to know when you’re an adult. There is a “code”. There just is. And upon reflection I can’t figure out if I learned that code, which I need him to know, from my parents or from private school. Will he miss out on that culture piece of things if we keep him in public?

[Anonymous]

I find private school kids have a sense of confidence that public school kids just don’t embody

[Anonymous]

I am a private school lifer: the only reason these private school kids have so much confidence and poise is because they have more money.

If you have more money and your kids have more activities and the ability to be involved, they will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a private school lifer: the only reason these private school kids have so much confidence and poise is because they have more money.

If you have more money and your kids have more activities and the ability to be involved, they will be fine.

Yeah that’s what I can’t separate. Will our kid have that air of self possession because we have a beach house and insist on manners and French lessons? Or bc he was in school somewhere? I’m genuinely wondering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DC is about to hit a grade where if we go private, now is the time to think about making some moves.

My DH and I went to private our whole lives. My DH is super against sending our child to private. DH went to a big deal private here and disliked it. He is not convinced the education is worth the price, thinks our child has a better shot at college and life skills in a AP track public, and doesn’t want our child to think the world works the way DH believes private school kids around here do.

I can only admit this anonymously, I’m so embarrassed, but this the truth. I am afraid if my child doesn’t go to private school he’ll never be able to move in upper class circles with total ease. He won’t understand those sort of dog whistle references or get exposed to some things that are good to know when you’re an adult. There is a “code”. There just is. And upon reflection I can’t figure out if I learned that code, which I need him to know, from my parents or from private school. Will he miss out on that culture piece of things if we keep him in public?

Why do you want him to? Do he need to ? Do you really think the code is unchanging given globalization of wealth and life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a private school lifer: the only reason these private school kids have so much confidence and poise is because they have more money.

If you have more money and your kids have more activities and the ability to be involved, they will be fine.

Yeah that’s what I can’t separate. Will our kid have that air of self possession because we have a beach house and insist on manners and French lessons? Or bc he was in school somewhere? I’m genuinely wondering.

Oh my god, OP. If you go public, my guess is you’re going to find a reason to feel disappointed in how this poor kid turns out no matter what. I’d insist on private so at least you’ll never have to wonder if that was the one missing thing in his life. Because he’s not going to turn out perfect either way.

[Anonymous]

Interesting topic. I have two boys, 15 and 12. Both DH and I went to area public schools and both of us have a Masters. My sons go to vastly different schools.

My older goes to a special needs school that is public and is fantastic. The families in this school are a huge spectrum of monetary levels. However, we can all come together because we are all going through the difficult process of raising a special needs child and all that goes with that.

My younger son goes to a private school, which he's been at since K, and has been wonderful for him as well. We picked this school because we noticed in Preschool he couldn't handle the bigger classrooms. They have smaller classes and he has excelled. Although I do like the families, for the most part, I do find the talk about needing to be a part of this club or get certain scores in order to get into certain schools, is ridiculous. We are comfortable but we are definitely not one of the more wealthy families and our vacations usually have to be places where we can drive and rent a VRBO (because of a medically fragile child).

I guess what I'm saying is that although I feel the families at the public school are more humble, I think it's because we have bonded in what we are going through.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a social climber. People can smell you a mile away. Whatever code you are speaking is probably coming off like some weird nonsense. The French lessons are cartoonish! Are you French?

--Went to big deal DC private school

[Anonymous]

Whatever this "code" is, if you and your DH acquired it in private school surely you can teach your kids about it no?
Otherwise if you don't know what you're talking about, I guess private is the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a private school lifer: the only reason these private school kids have so much confidence and poise is because they have more money.

If you have more money and your kids have more activities and the ability to be involved, they will be fine.

Yeah that’s what I can’t separate. Will our kid have that air of self possession because we have a beach house and insist on manners and French lessons? Or bc he was in school somewhere? I’m genuinely wondering.

Oh my god, OP. If you go public, my guess is you’re going to find a reason to feel disappointed in how this poor kid turns out no matter what. I’d insist on private so at least you’ll never have to wonder if that was the one missing thing in his life. Because he’s not going to turn out perfect either way.

Yes. You need to send to private. If the code is obtained in private school, you will have made a terrible mistake and denied your child the code.

[Anonymous]

Don’t be embarrassed

Please tell me more about this code.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DC is about to hit a grade where if we go private, now is the time to think about making some moves.

My DH and I went to private our whole lives. My DH is super against sending our child to private. DH went to a big deal private here and disliked it. He is not convinced the education is worth the price, thinks our child has a better shot at college and life skills in a AP track public, and doesn’t want our child to think the world works the way DH believes private school kids around here do.

I can only admit this anonymously, I’m so embarrassed, but this the truth. I am afraid if my child doesn’t go to private school he’ll never be able to move in upper class circles with total ease. He won’t understand those sort of dog whistle references or get exposed to some things that are good to know when you’re an adult. There is a “code”. There just is. And upon reflection I can’t figure out if I learned that code, which I need him to know, from my parents or from private school. Will he miss out on that culture piece of things if we keep him in public?

The way the world works is that your child has way way way above average odds that all will be ok regardless of public vs private HS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DC is about to hit a grade where if we go private, now is the time to think about making some moves.

My DH and I went to private our whole lives. My DH is super against sending our child to private. DH went to a big deal private here and disliked it. He is not convinced the education is worth the price, thinks our child has a better shot at college and life skills in a AP track public, and doesn’t want our child to think the world works the way DH believes private school kids around here do.

I can only admit this anonymously, I’m so embarrassed, but this the truth. I am afraid if my child doesn’t go to private school he’ll never be able to move in upper class circles with total ease. He won’t understand those sort of dog whistle references or get exposed to some things that are good to know when you’re an adult. There is a “code”. There just is. And upon reflection I can’t figure out if I learned that code, which I need him to know, from my parents or from private school. Will he miss out on that culture piece of things if we keep him in public?

the reality is it has more to do with money and personalality than anything. And many a public school individual has enough money and experience to understand the dog whistle you refer. Some of these public school individuals consciously choose not to engage with the persons who continually traffic in such references because they understand it for what it is; classism and elitist. They understand that these individuals are not morally or frankly socially superior but in fact fragile egos desperately trying to appear relevant and hold on to something.

The bigger reality is this is not about education for you. You know your DC is not going to receive a vastly superior education at private, Especially not one the confers some hugely different and worthwhile information needs for a successful life. Like if your kid doesn’t study Beowulf they’ll be fine. This is about status for you. The other reality is that kids here move between public and private at all levels, ES,MS, HS. What you are trying to do is escape the competition increase that occurs the higer kids get in school. You’re also trying to get rid of some perceived sense of being lower on the class ladder because your kid attends public rather than private.

Problem is, your husband was a private school lifer so he sees your true motivation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DC is about to hit a grade where if we go private, now is the time to think about making some moves.

My DH and I went to private our whole lives. My DH is super against sending our child to private. DH went to a big deal private here and disliked it. He is not convinced the education is worth the price, thinks our child has a better shot at college and life skills in a AP track public, and doesn’t want our child to think the world works the way DH believes private school kids around here do.

I can only admit this anonymously, I’m so embarrassed, but this the truth. I am afraid if my child doesn’t go to private school he’ll never be able to move in upper class circles with total ease. He won’t understand those sort of dog whistle references or get exposed to some things that are good to know when you’re an adult. There is a “code”. There just is. And upon reflection I can’t figure out if I learned that code, which I need him to know, from my parents or from private school. Will he miss out on that culture piece of things if we keep him in public?

I'm not criticizing this way of thinking. Your kid will probably do better in life than mine. But I moved mine out of private because of this. He's a white boy who will be a minority in this country as he ages, and he needs to be able to get along with a bunch of different kinds of people of all socioeconomic levels. He still possesses the manners he was raised with, but can now effortlessly move among different circles of friends (and now coworkers). I have found, after the switch to a middle-of-the-road (economically) public high school, that my son is kinder. He's not as arrogant. Which is awesome right now. Only time will tell what he's like in 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, in this area, I've seen just as much snobbishness and money-flaunting among the W school communities as I have at my kids' private school.