Culture and public vs private school

[Anonymous]

My kids went to public school in Fairfax County. I would say more than half of their public school friends had parents with beach houses or other vacation homes. The yearbook usually has multi-page photo essays about individual students' extremely $$$ summer vacations and engaging in their expensive hobbies outside of school. Not sure how many had French lessons and the requisite manners though.

[Anonymous]

I went to a public and then a big three. I sort of understand what you mean in terms of code. However, I think the experience of and ability to interact with people from different socioeconomic backgrounds is more valuable. Not sure if you get that much at, say, Whitman, but you might at many other public schools.

Best mix may be public middle and private high school.

iMO the main benefit to a private school education is writing skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DC is about to hit a grade where if we go private, now is the time to think about making some moves.

My DH and I went to private our whole lives. My DH is super against sending our child to private. DH went to a big deal private here and disliked it. He is not convinced the education is worth the price, thinks our child has a better shot at college and life skills in a AP track public, and doesn’t want our child to think the world works the way DH believes private school kids around here do.

I can only admit this anonymously, I’m so embarrassed, but this the truth. I am afraid if my child doesn’t go to private school he’ll never be able to move in upper class circles with total ease. He won’t understand those sort of dog whistle references or get exposed to some things that are good to know when you’re an adult. There is a “code”. There just is. And upon reflection I can’t figure out if I learned that code, which I need him to know, from my parents or from private school. Will he miss out on that culture piece of things if we keep him in public?

70 percent of families lose their wealth in the second generation and 90% lose it in the generation after that. You can look it up. It's an established fact. So chances are your children or your grandchildren will no longer be wealthy in their lifetime. It's nice of you to think about the culture your child is raised in and "the code," but it'll be more useful for him to learn life skills and the world as it really is. It might even make him more likely to retain his wealth over his lifetime.

Maybe the lesson here is to raise a decent, happy and productive human being. Neither private or public school is going to guarantee that. You on the other hand, as his parent, have a decent chance at making that happen.

[Anonymous]

It’s hard to believe people still think the way OP does. Better make sure your kid knows they’re better than everyone else? The “code,” really? Humans’ worth is not based on their socio-economic class.

[Anonymous]

I went to prep school.

The code is 78462. Good, now everybody has it.

[Anonymous]

Compromise. Good public school, expensive NE sleep away summer camp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a private school lifer: the only reason these private school kids have so much confidence and poise is because they have more money.

If you have more money and your kids have more activities and the ability to be involved, they will be fine.

Yeah that’s what I can’t separate. Will our kid have that air of self possession because we have a beach house and insist on manners and French lessons? Or bc he was in school somewhere? I’m genuinely wondering.

French lessons??????

This is satire, right?

Right?! Like the upper class sit around speaking French all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DC is about to hit a grade where if we go private, now is the time to think about making some moves.

My DH and I went to private our whole lives. My DH is super against sending our child to private. DH went to a big deal private here and disliked it. He is not convinced the education is worth the price, thinks our child has a better shot at college and life skills in a AP track public, and doesn’t want our child to think the world works the way DH believes private school kids around here do.

I can only admit this anonymously, I’m so embarrassed, but this the truth. I am afraid if my child doesn’t go to private school he’ll never be able to move in upper class circles with total ease. He won’t understand those sort of dog whistle references or get exposed to some things that are good to know when you’re an adult. There is a “code”. There just is. And upon reflection I can’t figure out if I learned that code, which I need him to know, from my parents or from private school. Will he miss out on that culture piece of things if we keep him in public?

LOL. I work in a private school. Wanna know what’s been the hot topic among the kids this week? “Pushing P”, which is a phrase that comes from a song with lyrics like “I just f***ed a cup of water” and “Portuguese on her knees my banana”.

[Anonymous]

The code comes from having been raised in a house and community where people are the types who can get into and afford those private high schools. Your kid is already "in" the club where they teach the code because you and your spouse are their parents. These are the kids for whom going to Harvard instead of Michigan doesn't change their life trajectory, like you read about in the studies on how college impacts future life chances.

For everyone who doesn't understand the concept of the code, go watch Six Degrees of Separation with Will Smith.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The code comes from having been raised in a house and community where people are the types who can get into and afford those private high schools. Your kid is already "in" the club where they teach the code because you and your spouse are their parents. These are the kids for whom going to Harvard instead of Michigan doesn't change their life trajectory, like you read about in the studies on how college impacts future life chances.

For everyone who doesn't understand the concept of the code, go watch Six Degrees of Separation with Will Smith.

This. My middle class hard working parents would have been better off joining our local country club and sending me to the honors program at the local public school (rather than private) in order to introduce me into wealthier society in our area.

Many of the wealthier students I did know in private school ended up making a mess of their lives with drug addictions and / or sexual assault convictions later in life (when they were finally charged.)

It did teach me that there is definitely an unspoken code and my family did not have enough money to participate or for me to be taught the code. Attending private school also taught me how many wealthy people are hypocrites.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went to prep school.

The code is 78462. Good, now everybody has it.

LOL.

[Anonymous]

It's about family connections not codes. Inner circles not meeting the right people. You will never gain entry into that crust, as you must be born and raised in it. No amount of French, Polo clubs, vacations, nor play dates set up with those folks you want to be apart of will ever get you there. Also, you and your husband must have influence and some kind of power ( Ballet chair, City planner, DAR chair, etc.). I think you are not comfortable in the shoes you are in and your DH knows that and will not feed into your I securities and wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's about family connections not codes. Inner circles not meeting the right people. You will never gain entry into that crust, as you must be born and raised in it. No amount of French, Polo clubs, vacations, nor play dates set up with those folks you want to be apart of will ever get you there. Also, you and your husband must have influence and some kind of power ( Ballet chair, City planner, DAR chair, etc.). I think you are not comfortable in the shoes you are in and your DH knows that and will not feed into your I securities and wants.

Wealthy people want things from other people for things that they neither have nor can not achieve, like talents, just like the rest of us mortal people. If you are an elite athlete and a talented musician, you will find no shortage of friends, especially girls who want to date you in school. That's what happened to my younger brother at an expensive private school. He got accepted into the circle because he had the talents, worth a lot more than money. He ended up marrying one of the "trust fund" girls from the same school, and her family has a networth of over 500 millions. My brother attended the private school on 100% Financial Aid and invited himself into that circle, LOL....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's about family connections not codes. Inner circles not meeting the right people. You will never gain entry into that crust, as you must be born and raised in it. No amount of French, Polo clubs, vacations, nor play dates set up with those folks you want to be apart of will ever get you there. Also, you and your husband must have influence and some kind of power ( Ballet chair, City planner, DAR chair, etc.). I think you are not comfortable in the shoes you are in and your DH knows that and will not feed into your I securities and wants.

DAR? So women still participate in this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a private school lifer: the only reason these private school kids have so much confidence and poise is because they have more money.

If you have more money and your kids have more activities and the ability to be involved, they will be fine.

Yeah that’s what I can’t separate. Will our kid have that air of self possession because we have a beach house and insist on manners and French lessons? Or bc he was in school somewhere? I’m genuinely wondering.

Oh my god, OP. If you go public, my guess is you’re going to find a reason to feel disappointed in how this poor kid turns out no matter what. I’d insist on private so at least you’ll never have to wonder if that was the one missing thing in his life. Because he’s not going to turn out perfect either way.

Yes. You need to send to private. If the code is obtained in private school, you will have made a terrible mistake and denied your child the code.