Culture and public vs private school

[Anonymous]

I think your husband is right. Your kid will get the lay of that land from you two, and if the thread on “how to know if someone grew up rich”, the code seems to be nice teeth and being comfortable with the help.

[Anonymous]

He “won’t understand those sort of dog whistle references…”

You want to send your kid to private school so he’ll be able to join in when they’re subtly mocking outsiders?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a private school lifer: the only reason these private school kids have so much confidence and poise is because they have more money.

If you have more money and your kids have more activities and the ability to be involved, they will be fine.

Yeah that’s what I can’t separate. Will our kid have that air of self possession because we have a beach house and insist on manners and French lessons? Or bc he was in school somewhere? I’m genuinely wondering.

French lessons??????

This is satire, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DC is about to hit a grade where if we go private, now is the time to think about making some moves.

My DH and I went to private our whole lives. My DH is super against sending our child to private. DH went to a big deal private here and disliked it. He is not convinced the education is worth the price, thinks our child has a better shot at college and life skills in a AP track public, and doesn’t want our child to think the world works the way DH believes private school kids around here do.

I can only admit this anonymously, I’m so embarrassed, but this the truth. I am afraid if my child doesn’t go to private school he’ll never be able to move in upper class circles with total ease. He won’t understand those sort of dog whistle references or get exposed to some things that are good to know when you’re an adult. There is a “code”. There just is. And upon reflection I can’t figure out if I learned that code, which I need him to know, from my parents or from private school. Will he miss out on that culture piece of things if we keep him in public?

I'm not criticizing this way of thinking. Your kid will probably do better in life than mine. But I moved mine out of private because of this. He's a white boy who will be a minority in this country as he ages, and he needs to be able to get along with a bunch of different kinds of people of all socioeconomic levels. He still possesses the manners he was raised with, but can now effortlessly move among different circles of friends (and now coworkers). I have found, after the switch to a middle-of-the-road (economically) public high school, that my son is kinder. He's not as arrogant. Which is awesome right now. Only time will tell what he's like in 20 years.

Yes this is true the country demographics are changing. However, I do think the upper class with the most wealth will still be mostly white in our children’s lifetime. So of that is the circle you want your kid to be in a join, they need to be comfortable with that demographic. OP I think it depends on your child. Be honest with yourself about their potential. If they are a brilliant child and have a realistic chance of getting into a top school and the potential for a high paying career, I would stick with private. Those will be his “people.” If he runs more average and will likely end up upper middle class career, then I think a good public will serve him better for what he life and career will look like.

[Anonymous]

You say you need him to know the upper class “code”. If it’s really a need and not just a want, ya l guess private school is also a need. Interesting that you and DH are not on the same page about this.

Having grown up LMC this is just really interesting to me. If even you are worried about opportunity scarcity what hope do the 99% have? I think you need to get over yourself a bit.

I think there is value in having some challenges, being a bit scrappy, knowing you’re expected to make your own way financially but also finding a career that is not just about making money. Do you value that? I have a STEM career and the work l do impacts thousands of people daily. But l would have loved to study English Lit, that’s my real passion. I’m at peace with my STEM career and reading as a hobby, but it hasn’t been easy to get here.

You are soooo fortunate to have the choice. Really try to understand why DH prefers public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DC is about to hit a grade where if we go private, now is the time to think about making some moves.

My DH and I went to private our whole lives. My DH is super against sending our child to private. DH went to a big deal private here and disliked it. He is not convinced the education is worth the price, thinks our child has a better shot at college and life skills in a AP track public, and doesn’t want our child to think the world works the way DH believes private school kids around here do.

I can only admit this anonymously, I’m so embarrassed, but this the truth. I am afraid if my child doesn’t go to private school he’ll never be able to move in upper class circles with total ease. He won’t understand those sort of dog whistle references or get exposed to some things that are good to know when you’re an adult. There is a “code”. There just is. And upon reflection I can’t figure out if I learned that code, which I need him to know, from my parents or from private school. Will he miss out on that culture piece of things if we keep him in public?

That "code" you are talking about relates to old money circles. Having a private education, beach house (is that some new measure? If so, I speak the code, yay!!! ) and taking French will not put you any closer to being "in" with those circles. Your either born into it or not, know the ways subtle ways of the truly wealthy or not, and it sounds like you do not; otherwise, a private education would not even be a question. So, if you are not old money, you are new money, maybe a couple of generations wealthy, and any kid like that can get what they need from public or private to go to UVA, marry well and take over the family's few million bucks in that case. It sounds like your husband either doesn't particularly care for your child to associate with douchey new wealth types, hung up on themselves and their newfound money and one-upmanship games, or maybe he'd rather have junior be one of the richest kids at school rather than one of the lesser rich ones. No way to tell for sure, but frankly, you sound more than a little snobby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DC is about to hit a grade where if we go private, now is the time to think about making some moves.

My DH and I went to private our whole lives. My DH is super against sending our child to private. DH went to a big deal private here and disliked it. He is not convinced the education is worth the price, thinks our child has a better shot at college and life skills in a AP track public, and doesn’t want our child to think the world works the way DH believes private school kids around here do.

I can only admit this anonymously, I’m so embarrassed, but this the truth. I am afraid if my child doesn’t go to private school he’ll never be able to move in upper class circles with total ease. He won’t understand those sort of dog whistle references or get exposed to some things that are good to know when you’re an adult. There is a “code”. There just is. And upon reflection I can’t figure out if I learned that code, which I need him to know, from my parents or from private school. Will he miss out on that culture piece of things if we keep him in public?

Your DH is missing the point. If you send your kids to public high schools in the DMV area, they will most likely come out with about the same education level as their private school peers and will mix with kids at about the same income level. Have him check out the student parking lots of the local high schools to see what the kids drive if he doesn't believe me. They will not be slumming with the masses and be exposed to varied income levels and life POVs as he romanticizes.

HOWEVER, you are correct in what they will miss out on is "the club" that private schools offer. Yes, there is a networking advantage that hangs on throughout college and probably beyond.

[Anonymous]

OP, I went to private school. Until I hit the working world, I would say about 80% of the people I knew went to private school, including college friends.
Now that I am in the real world, I honestly cannot tell the difference of who went to private and who went to public. Even my DH who went to a public school in a small Ohio town. There are certainly some things that separate our thinking, but that's likely more of a class/family background thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is missing the point. If you send your kids to public high schools in the DMV area, they will most likely come out with about the same education level as their private school peers and will mix with kids at about the same income level. Have him check out the student parking lots of the local high schools to see what the kids drive if he doesn't believe me. They will not be slumming with the masses and be exposed to varied income levels and life POVs as he romanticizes.

HOWEVER, you are correct in what they will miss out on is "the club" that private schools offer. Yes, there is a networking advantage that hangs on throughout college and probably beyond.

You're wrong about this. Even Langley HS in McLean is not the same as Potomac school. The level of wealth at Potomac school is mind blowing. Big difference when you have a graduation class of less than 100 at Potomac versus 600+ at Langley HS. Have you seen the new shiny facility at Potomac that was opened in late 2019? Even Langley HS does not have that.

[Anonymous]

OP you want to be in my world nope never.

We can smell your type of social climber a mile away. My kids won’t go near your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you want to be in my world nope never.

We can smell your type of social climber a mile away. My kids won’t go near your kid.

LOL, you are not in that world either, unless you or your spouse is a high-level legit mover/shaker in the political world or your net wealth is in the 8-figures and up range. No 7-figure person is in that world.

[Anonymous]

I went to a NOVA public school, but most of my friends/boyfriend in college went to private school and I married into a family where private school is the norm. I’m aware of this “code” of which you speak, but am extremely wary of the extent to which my own kids are exposed to it. Yes, private school kids tend to have more polish on the surface, but there’s often no appreciable difference in substance underneath to support their over abundance of confidence. It’s like they’ve been taught from an early age that their knowledge, opinions and experiences are worth more than others’ just because their schooling cost more. Just not terribly impressive when you get up close, unless you really care about stuff like where people vacation or who their great-great-grandfather was. (But it sounds like maybe you do.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a private school lifer: the only reason these private school kids have so much confidence and poise is because they have more money.

If you have more money and your kids have more activities and the ability to be involved, they will be fine.

Untrue. We are very middle class for DC private school people - HHI $200k, family of four. There is no question our DS learned about poise, confidence, and social etiquette from private school. That said, we both come working class / lower middle class families. I learned about social mores while at a prestigious private undergrad. OP says both she and her DH come from private, so I’m surprised they can’t impart this knowledge themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is missing the point. If you send your kids to public high schools in the DMV area, they will most likely come out with about the same education level as their private school peers and will mix with kids at about the same income level. Have him check out the student parking lots of the local high schools to see what the kids drive if he doesn't believe me. They will not be slumming with the masses and be exposed to varied income levels and life POVs as he romanticizes.

HOWEVER, you are correct in what they will miss out on is "the club" that private schools offer. Yes, there is a networking advantage that hangs on throughout college and probably beyond.

You're wrong about this. Even Langley HS in McLean is not the same as Potomac school. The level of wealth at Potomac school is mind blowing. Big difference when you have a graduation class of less than 100 at Potomac versus 600+ at Langley HS. Have you seen the new shiny facility at Potomac that was opened in late 2019? Even Langley HS does not have that.

It’s not so much wealth as learning to show respect and decorum, which is just not at all expected in most public schools - even the “good” ones. I find the most respectful kids are the African American kids (esp boys) born into middle class or affluent black families. As my son told me once, “My black friends’ moms don’t allow them to get away with shit.”

[Anonymous]

This is baffling. I am married to someone who went to all private schools plus boarding school for high school. I went to college at an Ivy where the private school kids co-mingled with the public school kids. This is just not a real thing in actual life that there is some code that the public school kids don't know. Unless you're talking about Crazy Rich Asian level of wealth, I think most people are just going about their lives and not thinking about this crap. Weird OP.