Culture and public vs private school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t be embarrassed

Please tell me more about this code.

no, it's secret. Only elite private school families are allowed in on the secret.

Someone posted up thread: it’s 78462. I don’t actually remember if it’s changed since I was at boarding school but I trust that PP has the current one.

[Anonymous]

I think that OP is raising a good point about the "intangible" value of a private school education. However, simply sending a child to a given school does not automatically confer these intangibles. Being socially shunned or feeling inadequate are also lessons that can come from negative experiences in private schools. Your child's happiness, level of comfort, and enthusiasm to embrace the offers that are available will matter. In other words, the intangible benefits are not in the water your child will drink at GP or Sidwell or wherever. Putting aside OP's anxieties, how does DC feel about the private schools and is this an environment in which DC would do well?

[Anonymous]

Just want to emphasize that some of us are talking about a certain tier of the private schools in the DMV. The code is at places like Georgetown Prep, Sidwell, Cathedral School, and so on. I think people call these the Big 3 but there are more than 3.

The places like Gonzaga and St. John's are not quite the same, although there are some kids at these schools that come from families with the code.

So, it isn't a question of private v public. It's about a small group of elite privates v everything else.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if anyone can post something substantial about this code, other than the fact that it is simply confidence in the kids demeanor, stemming from their wealth and sense of being inherently 'better' than kids who are a product of public school education.

[Anonymous]

Alexander Hamilton is a good example of somebody who clumsily aspired to get the code his entire life and didn't have the ability to understand when he'd actually obtained it. Burr had the code, and that was evident to Hamilton immediately upon meeting him. The Schuyler sisters' biggest draw was their family's possession of the code, which went beyond their money. Like Abigail Adams, these were very cultured and educated women who set the standard for society in the colonies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a private school lifer: the only reason these private school kids have so much confidence and poise is because they have more money.

If you have more money and your kids have more activities and the ability to be involved, they will be fine.

+1. I attended both public and private and I strongly agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Nope. Attending some random private school with the children of high income cops or plumbers won't cut it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find private school kids have a sense of confidence that public school kids just don’t embody

I think you mistake confidence for entitlement.

I think a lot of people mistake wealth for worth and intelligence.

[Anonymous]

Just like Supreme Court justice Potter Stewart said about pornography: "I know it when I see it", when you see the code, you know it.

[Anonymous]

I’m a public school grad and I agree that there’s some kind of “code” — when I went off to a prestigious college I felt very out of place without it compared to the kids from fancy privates and boarding schools. But that only lasted a year or so until I picked up the code. And on top of it, I had something public school kids get in droves — grit. Street smarts. That’s worth more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DC is about to hit a grade where if we go private, now is the time to think about making some moves.

My DH and I went to private our whole lives. My DH is super against sending our child to private. DH went to a big deal private here and disliked it. He is not convinced the education is worth the price, thinks our child has a better shot at college and life skills in a AP track public, and doesn’t want our child to think the world works the way DH believes private school kids around here do.

I can only admit this anonymously, I’m so embarrassed, but this the truth. I am afraid if my child doesn’t go to private school he’ll never be able to move in upper class circles with total ease. He won’t understand those sort of dog whistle references or get exposed to some things that are good to know when you’re an adult. There is a “code”. There just is. And upon reflection I can’t figure out if I learned that code, which I need him to know, from my parents or from private school. Will he miss out on that culture piece of things if we keep him in public?

I'm not criticizing this way of thinking. Your kid will probably do better in life than mine. But I moved mine out of private because of this. He's a white boy who will be a minority in this country as he ages, and he needs to be able to get along with a bunch of different kinds of people of all socioeconomic levels. He still possesses the manners he was raised with, but can now effortlessly move among different circles of friends (and now coworkers). I have found, after the switch to a middle-of-the-road (economically) public high school, that my son is kinder. He's not as arrogant. Which is awesome right now. Only time will tell what he's like in 20 years.

This may be it. I can teach them manners but kindness is an every day lesson. K-8 Catholic then public has been great for my kids.

[Anonymous]

The code isn't private school but money. It just appears and is reinforced more often at private schools for obvious reasons. But the same code is found at fancy suburban high schools in places like Greenwich and Bronxville while plenty of private school grads languish in obscurity and mediocrity.

People overthink this and social engineering too much. Going to public school doesn't make you nicer. Going to a more diverse school doesn't make you more tolerant. The vast majority of people will grow into an innately comfortable network of likeminded peers based on personalities and interests and expectations so they will end up in homogenous environments one way or another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a private school lifer: the only reason these private school kids have so much confidence and poise is because they have more money.

If you have more money and your kids have more activities and the ability to be involved, they will be fine.

Yeah that’s what I can’t separate. Will our kid have that air of self possession because we have a beach house and insist on manners and French lessons? Or bc he was in school somewhere? I’m genuinely wondering.

I think private school is just part of the overall package.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The code isn't private school but money. It just appears and is reinforced more often at private schools for obvious reasons. But the same code is found at fancy suburban high schools in places like Greenwich and Bronxville while plenty of private school grads languish in obscurity and mediocrity.

People overthink this and social engineering too much. Going to public school doesn't make you nicer. Going to a more diverse school doesn't make you more tolerant. The vast majority of people will grow into an innately comfortable network of likeminded peers based on personalities and interests and expectations so they will end up in homogenous environments one way or another.

I disagree. Going to school with classmates who live in subsidized housing, or can’t afford to eat out, or who get free lunch every day, or who don’t have passports, can’t afford summer internships, or who have a parent in jail… these are differences that won’t been seen and accepted as “normal” in private schools.

[Anonymous]

The “code” is expectation. Its the expectation that people will be wearing a certain brand of clothes. Its the expectation of travel to a variety of places. Its the expectation that you can order something off the menu at a restaurant. Its the expectation that you or your kid will go to a good school and succeed in life. It’s an expectation of money. When you remove money abd its trappings from the equation it looks like arrogance unless the expectation is combined with grit and humbleness.