Culture and public vs private school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is missing the point. If you send your kids to public high schools in the DMV area, they will most likely come out with about the same education level as their private school peers and will mix with kids at about the same income level. Have him check out the student parking lots of the local high schools to see what the kids drive if he doesn't believe me. They will not be slumming with the masses and be exposed to varied income levels and life POVs as he romanticizes.

HOWEVER, you are correct in what they will miss out on is "the club" that private schools offer. Yes, there is a networking advantage that hangs on throughout college and probably beyond.

You're wrong about this. Even Langley HS in McLean is not the same as Potomac school. The level of wealth at Potomac school is mind blowing. Big difference when you have a graduation class of less than 100 at Potomac versus 600+ at Langley HS. Have you seen the new shiny facility at Potomac that was opened in late 2019? Even Langley HS does not have that.

It’s not so much wealth as learning to show respect and decorum, which is just not at all expected in most public schools - even the “good” ones. I find the most respectful kids are the African American kids (esp boys) born into middle class or affluent black families. As my son told me once, “My black friends’ moms don’t allow them to get away with shit.”

Oh dear.

[Anonymous]

So let me recap...public school children don't have any manners or "decorum" and these kids don't receive french lessons or realize people have beach houses. If faced with kids who have these things, they will feel confused and out of place and unsure how to handle themselves and immediately reveal themselves as "not in the club".

Is there a way through having money to make sure a child in public school somehow figures the above things out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is baffling. I am married to someone who went to all private schools plus boarding school for high school. I went to college at an Ivy where the private school kids co-mingled with the public school kids. This is just not a real thing in actual life that there is some code that the public school kids don't know. Unless you're talking about Crazy Rich Asian level of wealth, I think most people are just going about their lives and not thinking about this crap. Weird OP.

I left out that I went to public school.

So possibly this whole time "the code" has just not been revealed to me. I'm asking my husband later today. Maybe he'll tell me.

[Anonymous]

Went to fancy private schools my whole life- never heard of this code. Anyways- it doesn’t matter OP- have your kid go to the school that honors him for who he is and where he can be happy. You are overthinking this.

[Anonymous]

Your reason for wanting to send your kid to private is really warped and sad, but I commend your honesty, I guess.

I have one kid in private and one in public. The one in public asked to switch from private after 5th grade. They are both thriving academically and socially at their respective schools. There are vast differences between the schools in terms of resources, physical facilities, diversity and quality of teachers, parent involvement, types of learning (hands on project learning vs. worksheets and apps), and many other things.

If your child is motivated and has the right support at home, I think they can succeed at any school. However, private school is great if you can afford it and it's a good fit for your family.

We are not 'upper class' by any means, and accepted financial aid at the private up until this year. I think you need to evaluate your motives and what type of person you are trying to raise - a social climber, or a well-rounded person who can think and make their own decisions.

[Anonymous]

I went to public school, send kids to private. Maybe the same one your husband attended. I don’t know or care about your codes. What are you even talking about? How to score a round of golf? Which plane sharing service to use? This is a bizarre point of view.

[Anonymous]

My siblings and I went to private schools from pre-K to postgrad (including the Ivies, paying full tuition), while my husband went to public schools all the way. I have to admit that DH is a much more well-rounded, articulate, and social person than the rest of the family, because of his personality and real life experiences (including the random jobs he had to take to support himself).

[Anonymous]

My DH went to only privates, had a nanny, housekeeper, gardener growing up, and has no professional ambition. He works a low level low stress job.

I went public, got 0$ from my parents for college, worked my ass off, have a high level medium stress job, have lived and worked in 5 countries and have travelled all over the world on my own, 40 countries and it’s not the kind of Eurorail travel 8 countries in 8 days. People consider me accomplished.

Both of us our fine. We’re doing what feels ok to us. If your kid goes private or public there are no guarantees about how they will end up. I think more depends on the family, and the individual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH went to only privates, had a nanny, housekeeper, gardener growing up, and has no professional ambition. He works a low level low stress job.

I went public, got 0$ from my parents for college, worked my ass off, have a high level medium stress job, have lived and worked in 5 countries and have travelled all over the world on my own, 40 countries and it’s not the kind of Eurorail travel 8 countries in 8 days. People consider me accomplished.

Both of us our fine. We’re doing what feels ok to us. If your kid goes private or public there are no guarantees about how they will end up. I think more depends on the family, and the individual.

So did you marry him for the family money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH went to only privates, had a nanny, housekeeper, gardener growing up, and has no professional ambition. He works a low level low stress job.

I went public, got 0$ from my parents for college, worked my ass off, have a high level medium stress job, have lived and worked in 5 countries and have travelled all over the world on my own, 40 countries and it’s not the kind of Eurorail travel 8 countries in 8 days. People consider me accomplished.

Both of us our fine. We’re doing what feels ok to us. If your kid goes private or public there are no guarantees about how they will end up. I think more depends on the family, and the individual.

So did you marry him for the family money?

Nope. Love. The beach house and sailing didn’t hurt though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is missing the point. If you send your kids to public high schools in the DMV area, they will most likely come out with about the same education level as their private school peers and will mix with kids at about the same income level. Have him check out the student parking lots of the local high schools to see what the kids drive if he doesn't believe me. They will not be slumming with the masses and be exposed to varied income levels and life POVs as he romanticizes.

HOWEVER, you are correct in what they will miss out on is "the club" that private schools offer. Yes, there is a networking advantage that hangs on throughout college and probably beyond.

You're wrong about this. Even Langley HS in McLean is not the same as Potomac school. The level of wealth at Potomac school is mind blowing. Big difference when you have a graduation class of less than 100 at Potomac versus 600+ at Langley HS. Have you seen the new shiny facility at Potomac that was opened in late 2019? Even Langley HS does not have that.

It’s not so much wealth as learning to show respect and decorum, which is just not at all expected in most public schools - even the “good” ones. I find the most respectful kids are the African American kids (esp boys) born into middle class or affluent black families. As my son told me once, “My black friends’ moms don’t allow them to get away with shit.”

That is because manners and décorum are first and foremost taught and reinforced at home regardless of where you go to school. African American kids(especially boys) get judged first on stereotype of being black before folks actually take a chance to get to know them. Middle class and affluent African American families know this and raise their kids with the appropriate manners and decorum because they know despite wealth their kids walk into the room with at least one strike against them that they have to prove isn’t warranted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is missing the point. If you send your kids to public high schools in the DMV area, they will most likely come out with about the same education level as their private school peers and will mix with kids at about the same income level. Have him check out the student parking lots of the local high schools to see what the kids drive if he doesn't believe me. They will not be slumming with the masses and be exposed to varied income levels and life POVs as he romanticizes.

HOWEVER, you are correct in what they will miss out on is "the club" that private schools offer. Yes, there is a networking advantage that hangs on throughout college and probably beyond.

You're wrong about this. Even Langley HS in McLean is not the same as Potomac school. The level of wealth at Potomac school is mind blowing. Big difference when you have a graduation class of less than 100 at Potomac versus 600+ at Langley HS. Have you seen the new shiny facility at Potomac that was opened in late 2019? Even Langley HS does not have that.

This. One of the families who has a recent graduated had a HHI of $30 million per year. Not net worth, they made that PER YEAR. That is astounding wealth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a private school lifer: the only reason these private school kids have so much confidence and poise is because they have more money.

If you have more money and your kids have more activities and the ability to be involved, they will be fine.

Yeah that’s what I can’t separate. Will our kid have that air of self possession because we have a beach house and insist on manners and French lessons? Or bc he was in school somewhere? I’m genuinely wondering.

The country with the most French speakers in the world is the Democratic Republic of the Congo. Try a sabbatical there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DC is about to hit a grade where if we go private, now is the time to think about making some moves.

My DH and I went to private our whole lives. My DH is super against sending our child to private. DH went to a big deal private here and disliked it. He is not convinced the education is worth the price, thinks our child has a better shot at college and life skills in a AP track public, and doesn’t want our child to think the world works the way DH believes private school kids around here do.

I can only admit this anonymously, I’m so embarrassed, but this the truth. I am afraid if my child doesn’t go to private school he’ll never be able to move in upper class circles with total ease. He won’t understand those sort of dog whistle references or get exposed to some things that are good to know when you’re an adult. There is a “code”. There just is. And upon reflection I can’t figure out if I learned that code, which I need him to know, from my parents or from private school. Will he miss out on that culture piece of things if we keep him in public?

70 percent of families lose their wealth in the second generation and 90% lose it in the generation after that. You can look it up. It's an established fact. So chances are your children or your grandchildren will no longer be wealthy in their lifetime. It's nice of you to think about the culture your child is raised in and "the code," but it'll be more useful for him to learn life skills and the world as it really is. It might even make him more likely to retain his wealth over his lifetime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a private school lifer: the only reason these private school kids have so much confidence and poise is because they have more money.

If you have more money and your kids have more activities and the ability to be involved, they will be fine.

Yeah that’s what I can’t separate. Will our kid have that air of self possession because we have a beach house and insist on manners and French lessons? Or bc he was in school somewhere? I’m genuinely wondering.

The country with the most French speakers in the world is the Democratic Republic of the Congo. Try a sabbatical there.

Ah, but it doesn't count unless they all went to private schools where they were taught French, or had French tutors.

DD is thinking of taking French in Middle School. Undoubtedly, her French will be inferior to those of the private school kids, because she will be going to a public school.