BIL called DH’s Mom a B****

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whether a B or not or whether calling her a B or not, or who was right, wrong, justified, my breaking point would be both of them doing this in front of family and especially grandkids. No matter what the circumstances, this is not what I’d want in front of family and my children, nieces or nephews. To overlook it gives those kids the impression that it’s ok and permissible to let it happen to them in the future.

+1. I especially don’t want my daughters raised to think it’s ok for a man to call them that word without apology, no matter what the man’s excuses are.

I mean, sure, but I also don't want my daughters to think that it's okay to act like that word and expect everyone to just take it, either. Every lets MIL say rude and nasty things to everyone else -- isn't that teaching your kids that it's okay and permissible to let someone insult you all the time? The B-word isn't magic. It's not okay for someone to call them a b, but it's okay for someone to mock and insult them otherwise?

Adults, especially in the presence of children, have an obligation to model how to handle rudeness. BIL can refuse to “take it” by pointing out that MIL is being rude, calling out the behavior as unkind without name calling, by walking away. Calling someone a misogynistic term just isn’t ok. I don’t want my sons thinking they can drop that word in anger or my daughters thinking that they might deserve it.

Okay, Little Miss Perfect. You do that. Most other people are simply human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it saying the Patio is not as good as xyz's is a reason to be cussed out and be called a "Bltch". I can understand the BIL being equally rude ans saying "Well, we really don't care what you feel about it because we like it and in our own house our taste matters!!"

So I am all for BIL making an equally rude remark back to MIL and putting her in her place - but cussing and calling her names is just unforgivable. I am on team OP's DH on this one.

However, the person I would worry about it OP's SIL, because she probably has no option but to support her DH. Also, if her DH can call the MIL a bltch, then he probably is also slapping around his biwi (wife) with impunity.

Your DH should not go.

That is . . . quite a leap.

Domestic violence is pretty common in the culture.

Okay racist.

[Anonymous]

I can think of advice I would give your SIL, advice I would give your BIL, and advice I would give your MIL. And none of it would be the same as the advice I think you and your DH should get.

Which is to MYOB. They are having a fight. They will resolve it or they will stay estranged. But it sounds like your MIL is a difficult person and at the end of the day your SIL does not owe it TO HER BROTHER to have a good relationship with their mom.

If your husband wants to have a relationship with his sister, regardless of their individual relationships with their mom, then he should make decisions accordingly.

Personally, as someone with a crazy mother, I don't allow her desire to always want me to be a solider in her army to dictate the choices I make about having relationships with the multitude of relatives she has alienated. I advise your husband to do the same, or you might find yourself with only your crazy MIL to talk to at Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. I'm so damn glad my Indian in-laws are amazing and like a second set of parents to me. My family is Indian but I was born and raised here, haven't even been to India. Was worried DH's parents would fit the negative stereotype but 11 years later, all local and my life has been so much for the better with them.

OP, I understand feeling conflicted and many of these pps saying "keep to yourself" don't get it, but I'd probably do what DH felt comfortable with as far as the visit for now. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whether a B or not or whether calling her a B or not, or who was right, wrong, justified, my breaking point would be both of them doing this in front of family and especially grandkids. No matter what the circumstances, this is not what I’d want in front of family and my children, nieces or nephews. To overlook it gives those kids the impression that it’s ok and permissible to let it happen to them in the future.

+1. I especially don’t want my daughters raised to think it’s ok for a man to call them that word without apology, no matter what the man’s excuses are.

I mean, sure, but I also don't want my daughters to think that it's okay to act like that word and expect everyone to just take it, either. Every lets MIL say rude and nasty things to everyone else -- isn't that teaching your kids that it's okay and permissible to let someone insult you all the time? The B-word isn't magic. It's not okay for someone to call them a b, but it's okay for someone to mock and insult them otherwise?

Adults, especially in the presence of children, have an obligation to model how to handle rudeness. BIL can refuse to “take it” by pointing out that MIL is being rude, calling out the behavior as unkind without name calling, by walking away. Calling someone a misogynistic term just isn’t ok. I don’t want my sons thinking they can drop that word in anger or my daughters thinking that they might deserve it.

Okay, Little Miss Perfect. You do that. Most other people are simply human.

Even my youngest kids know how to say sorry and how to move on after an apology. It isn’t that hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Adults, especially in the presence of children, have an obligation to model how to handle rudeness. BIL can refuse to “take it” by pointing out that MIL is being rude, calling out the behavior as unkind without name calling, by walking away. Calling someone a misogynistic term just isn’t ok. I don’t want my sons thinking they can drop that word in anger or my daughters thinking that they might deserve it.

This would have been mature great advice had OP not already tried it MULTIPLE times!

Anonymous wrote: OP here. Many of you suggested we deal with MIL differently. How so? How do you provide consequences to a grown woman? Remove access to our family completely? Refuse to visit her and FIL? Cut them out of our lives?

I married into the family 10 years ago and have tried my own strategies (talking to her directly and calmly when she does something offensive, ignoring her, getting upset with her - none of which have worked.) I’m convinced there are mental undiagnosed issues.

Genuinely curious.

BIL didn’t leave after pointing out that MIL was being rude, he chose to use a curse word at his mother in front of the kids.

And the kids will be fine. If they are in school at all they have heard it many times.

Schools have anti bullying policies, rather strict ones these days. If a male student called a female student a B in front of the class, it would absolutely be addressed by staff. It’s not about hearing a word. It’s about normalizing its use as a targeted insult.

[Anonymous]

I would be very upset with my DH if he called my 75 year old mom a b*tch even if she's being one.

I would however, agree that we will spend significantly less (or zero) time with my mom if she is intolerable. It's really on SIL to keep her toxic, critical mother apart from her DH and it's up to her DH to not lash out with hateful, misogynistic words (no matter what the provocation) -- especially at a family gathering in front of kids.

As for OP's DH-- I get that he's upset, but he needs to figure out how to move on. This happened-- it was unacceptable, but not unprovoked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whether a B or not or whether calling her a B or not, or who was right, wrong, justified, my breaking point would be both of them doing this in front of family and especially grandkids. No matter what the circumstances, this is not what I’d want in front of family and my children, nieces or nephews. To overlook it gives those kids the impression that it’s ok and permissible to let it happen to them in the future.

+1. I especially don’t want my daughters raised to think it’s ok for a man to call them that word without apology, no matter what the man’s excuses are.

I mean, sure, but I also don't want my daughters to think that it's okay to act like that word and expect everyone to just take it, either. Every lets MIL say rude and nasty things to everyone else -- isn't that teaching your kids that it's okay and permissible to let someone insult you all the time? The B-word isn't magic. It's not okay for someone to call them a b, but it's okay for someone to mock and insult them otherwise?

Adults, especially in the presence of children, have an obligation to model how to handle rudeness. BIL can refuse to “take it” by pointing out that MIL is being rude, calling out the behavior as unkind without name calling, by walking away. Calling someone a misogynistic term just isn’t ok. I don’t want my sons thinking they can drop that word in anger or my daughters thinking that they might deserve it.

Okay, Little Miss Perfect. You do that. Most other people are simply human.

Even my youngest kids know how to say sorry and how to move on after an apology. It isn’t that hard.

DP. Exactly.

I once yelled at my friend in front of her 13 year old daughter. While I was not sorry for yelling at my friend, I was sorry that her daughter had to hear that. I apolgized to her daughter.

BIL owes OP and her DH an apology for using that language in their kids' presence(he can apologize directly to the kids too).

BIL is an adult, and he is aware that his MIL pushes his buttons. He shouldn't invite her to his house along with others(children in particular) if he cannot control his temper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You admit you all indulge her pettiness and comments as if she was a child. You cannot expect others to do the same. My guess is your BIL work hard for his patio and was proud of it, only to have his MIL sniffling and degrading it. I'm sorry but that would hurt. You say he's prone to temper so no wonder he finally lashed out. Honestly, I'm sure your SIL was hurt too but she's likely been hearing her mother's negativity all her life anyway.

BIL was wrong to not control himself better regardless of his relationship to her. His outburst was crude. But she was equally wrong to instigate. Her comment was mean.
Your DH is wrong for blindly doting on a mother who demands respect but refuses to show others the same. I'm sorry, cultural or not - that's wrong. Common courtesy tells you to keep your mouth shut if you don't have something nice to say. Just because she's old doesn't give her a pass.

I'd be tempted to tell the woman that if your house isn't up to snuff, then she doesn't have to visit. I wouldn't invite her back. Meet her in a neutral location like a hotel or a park. Someone who is a rude guest doesn't get invited back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Adults, especially in the presence of children, have an obligation to model how to handle rudeness. BIL can refuse to “take it” by pointing out that MIL is being rude, calling out the behavior as unkind without name calling, by walking away. Calling someone a misogynistic term just isn’t ok. I don’t want my sons thinking they can drop that word in anger or my daughters thinking that they might deserve it.

This would have been mature great advice had OP not already tried it MULTIPLE times!

Anonymous wrote: OP here. Many of you suggested we deal with MIL differently. How so? How do you provide consequences to a grown woman? Remove access to our family completely? Refuse to visit her and FIL? Cut them out of our lives?

I married into the family 10 years ago and have tried my own strategies (talking to her directly and calmly when she does something offensive, ignoring her, getting upset with her - none of which have worked.) I’m convinced there are mental undiagnosed issues.

Genuinely curious.

BIL didn’t leave after pointing out that MIL was being rude, he chose to use a curse word at his mother in front of the kids.

And the kids will be fine. If they are in school at all they have heard it many times.

Schools have anti bullying policies, rather strict ones these days. If a male student called a female student a B in front of the class, it would absolutely be addressed by staff. It’s not about hearing a word. It’s about normalizing its use as a targeted insult.

Gender shouldn't even remotely factor into it. It's like we're going backwards wrt gender equality by raising a generation that thinks men shouldn't xyz but it's different for women. Good grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are from the same culture. When my own mother questioned why we were having another child and that maybe it's not too late to have an abortion just as we broke the news about my pregnancy, my DH kicked her out of the house. And no, I didn't stop him. Because that is not the reaction anyone should have. And before anyone says anything: no, we are not struggling financially, no, we are not dependent on her, in fact it's the opposite, and no, you certainly don't say that in front of another child who is all excited because he's getting a sibling.

Wow! Some people are out of their minds. Your mother takes the cake!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whether a B or not or whether calling her a B or not, or who was right, wrong, justified, my breaking point would be both of them doing this in front of family and especially grandkids. No matter what the circumstances, this is not what I’d want in front of family and my children, nieces or nephews. To overlook it gives those kids the impression that it’s ok and permissible to let it happen to them in the future.

+1. I especially don’t want my daughters raised to think it’s ok for a man to call them that word without apology, no matter what the man’s excuses are.

I mean, sure, but I also don't want my daughters to think that it's okay to act like that word and expect everyone to just take it, either. Every lets MIL say rude and nasty things to everyone else -- isn't that teaching your kids that it's okay and permissible to let someone insult you all the time? The B-word isn't magic. It's not okay for someone to call them a b, but it's okay for someone to mock and insult them otherwise?

Adults, especially in the presence of children, have an obligation to model how to handle rudeness. BIL can refuse to “take it” by pointing out that MIL is being rude, calling out the behavior as unkind without name calling, by walking away. Calling someone a misogynistic term just isn’t ok. I don’t want my sons thinking they can drop that word in anger or my daughters thinking that they might deserve it.

Okay, Little Miss Perfect. You do that. Most other people are simply human.

Even my youngest kids know how to say sorry and how to move on after an apology. It isn’t that hard.

Good for you, here’s your cookie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple of months ago, we were visiting DH’s sister’s house when my MIL made an insensitive comment and as a result, her husband got very upset and called my MIL a b**** in front of everyone (including grandchildren). DH harbors a lot of resentment towards him as a result of that incident. He cannot get over it. When it happened, we were all shocked as we come from a strict immigrant culture where parents are always respected.

DH is livid and wants to decline their invitation to have us come to their state to celebrate the holidays. Should I counsel him to look past his BIL’s behavior to keep the peace?

Yikes. Saying that word out loud to someone crosses a line and certainly saying it in the home infront of others really does.

He should have said “that was a rude and hurtful comment Ma.” And then been silent. If she apologized good, if she dug her hole deeper she is indeed rude. Doesn’t matter if it’s coming from a cultural or age or ignorance or Austin’s, rude is rude and they should know.

I really hope the BiL has apologized by now. It’s really the only way forward. Once he apologizes the grandma can promise to not be rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did the MIL say? Can't comment until we know what the MIL said.

Also, what culture is BIL from? Is he raised here? Is he the same immigrant culture as yours? FOB? 2nd Gen? What?

OP here. MIL told them that she didn’t like the way they had done their patio and that it didn’t look good as someone else’s. BIL is from the same culture (Pakistani.)

That’s not bad. If your family can’t say your patio or haircut or painting job isn’t as good as before or XYZ, who can!?!!

But if she’s doing like 5 comments like that a day, she needs to reign it in. But BiL needs to detach and go crazy. Yelling is for emergencies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can think of advice I would give your SIL, advice I would give your BIL, and advice I would give your MIL. And none of it would be the same as the advice I think you and your DH should get.

Which is to MYOB. They are having a fight. They will resolve it or they will stay estranged. But it sounds like your MIL is a difficult person and at the end of the day your SIL does not owe it TO HER BROTHER to have a good relationship with their mom.

If your husband wants to have a relationship with his sister, regardless of their individual relationships with their mom, then he should make decisions accordingly.

Personally, as someone with a crazy mother, I don't allow her desire to always want me to be a solider in her army to dictate the choices I make about having relationships with the multitude of relatives she has alienated. I advise your husband to do the same, or you might find yourself with only your crazy MIL to talk to at Christmas.

This is very reasonable.