BIL called DH’s Mom a B****

[Anonymous]

If he wants ay chance at a relationship with his sister going forward, he needs to get back to her and say he understands tensions are running high and you are not shutting her out and "choosing sides" but merely taking the nuclear family skiiing for the holiday. She probably won't buy it as an excuse, but it might help to know you won't be with the parents.

It would be a shame to have broken sibling bonds when the parents are gone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DH decided we are not going to go and to not address the topic until everyone in the family (including himself) has calmed down. Instead, we’ll just spend Xmas locally with his parents and other sibling.

He told his sister that we will not join them for the holidays but will see them in Spring Break as we usually go there during that time if that’s ok. Her response was “Don’t bother.”

So there’s that.

Sounds like your DH knows his family pretty well. Sometimes it is best to let tempers settle. His sister sounds very defensive, but that can be managed. Give everyone a little time and they can talk again in a few weeks. Then he starts that conversation with, “I know mom was wrong, but I still want the best relationship with her that we can have in the years she has left, and I also want to work together with you to ensure there are boundaries around her worst tendencies so they aren’t so hurtful or impactful on you or my family, etc. How can we work together to have the best possible?” Then just think through some options for how that can be done as a team to show her that he is serious about finding productive ways to address the issues.

Yep. He didn’t think discussing the issue now was going to resolve anything. If we go, it looks like we are taking sister’s side. If we don’t, then it looks like we are taking sister’s side. He discussed with his other local sister and they both are on the same page about taking a break this holiday season. We just booked a last minute ski getaway for our nuclear family of 5!

That sounds like a lot of fun. And a relaxing re-set. Have a lovely holiday!

[Anonymous]

You follow your husband's lead on this.

[Anonymous]

The ski trip sounds nice, but OP's husband absolutely is choosing sides, by deciding to spend the holidays with his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DH decided we are not going to go and to not address the topic until everyone in the family (including himself) has calmed down. Instead, we’ll just spend Xmas locally with his parents and other sibling.

He told his sister that we will not join them for the holidays but will see them in Spring Break as we usually go there during that time if that’s ok. Her response was “Don’t bother.”

So there’s that.

Sounds like your DH knows his family pretty well. Sometimes it is best to let tempers settle. His sister sounds very defensive, but that can be managed. Give everyone a little time and they can talk again in a few weeks. Then he starts that conversation with, “I know mom was wrong, but I still want the best relationship with her that we can have in the years she has left, and I also want to work together with you to ensure there are boundaries around her worst tendencies so they aren’t so hurtful or impactful on you or my family, etc. How can we work together to have the best possible?” Then just think through some options for how that can be done as a team to show her that he is serious about finding productive ways to address the issues.

Yep. He didn’t think discussing the issue now was going to resolve anything. If we go, it looks like we are taking sister’s side. If we don’t, then it looks like we are taking sister’s side. He discussed with his other local sister and they both are on the same page about taking a break this holiday season. We just booked a last minute ski getaway for our nuclear family of 5!

In my opinion it's appropriate to take the side against MIL's toxic behavior and as pp pointed out to you, OP you are now in MIL's crosshairs and your DH will do nothing about it.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused, OP.

Are you going on a ski trip or are you visiting his parents? because visiting his parents is taking sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused, OP.

Are you going on a ski trip or are you visiting his parents? because visiting his parents is taking sides.

OP here. The parents are local. We are going on a ski trip so we will be away from parents over the holiday.

[Anonymous]

I certainly wouldn't appreciate it if either of my BILs called my mom a name. But my mom avoids being called names because she doesn't walk through our homes insulting decor or work we've done. She doesn't say crappy things about the kids, anyone's weight, or basically any unwarranted commentary. Being old or from another culture is not a free pass with no repercussion.

Any disharmony in a family is a bad thing. Both parties owe the other an apology. And OP should stay out of it, while being supportive of her own husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DH decided we are not going to go and to not address the topic until everyone in the family (including himself) has calmed down. Instead, we’ll just spend Xmas locally with his parents and other sibling.

He told his sister that we will not join them for the holidays but will see them in Spring Break as we usually go there during that time if that’s ok. Her response was “Don’t bother.”

So there’s that.

Don’t blame her one bit. I wish the best for her and her DH. I wish she was the OP here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DH decided we are not going to go and to not address the topic until everyone in the family (including himself) has calmed down. Instead, we’ll just spend Xmas locally with his parents and other sibling.

He told his sister that we will not join them for the holidays but will see them in Spring Break as we usually go there during that time if that’s ok. Her response was “Don’t bother.”

So there’s that.

Sounds like your DH knows his family pretty well. Sometimes it is best to let tempers settle. His sister sounds very defensive, but that can be managed. Give everyone a little time and they can talk again in a few weeks. Then he starts that conversation with, “I know mom was wrong, but I still want the best relationship with her that we can have in the years she has left, and I also want to work together with you to ensure there are boundaries around her worst tendencies so they aren’t so hurtful or impactful on you or my family, etc. How can we work together to have the best possible?” Then just think through some options for how that can be done as a team to show her that he is serious about finding productive ways to address the issues.

This, its great that your husband recognizes that he needs space. I would reach out again and say you are going on a skiing holiday but hopefully you can catch up with them in Spring Break and clear the air and that their relationship is important to you. I doubt anyone here wants your husband to forgo a relationship with his mother, its not about that, its really about keeping a relationship with your SIL and BIL if that is what you want to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your NIL and BIL both behaved badly and your husband wants to stick his nose in and wallow in the drama?

He needs to stay out of this. Sure his BIL wasn't great but it does sound like mom pushes people until they explode. By acting like his mom was an innocent wronged party he is just making the situation worse.

The BIL made it EVERYONE's business by his behavior in front of everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My MIL can push a lot of buttons. I believe the resentment had been building up all weekend and the last comment she made might have sent him over the edge.

Still, to have him cal her such a derogatory word shocked the entire family. He definitely has anger issues.

SIL was surprised and embarrassed at the name calling but then backed up her husband and had a huge fight with her mom which lasted hours.

MIL has since apologized but BIL hasn’t.

SIL won’t bring it up with DH and DH won’t bring it up because he knows SIL will get defensive and bring up the resentment she harbors towards MIL.

What did MIL say? Because I don’t care how old you are or if you are the parent, if you say certain things you deserve to get cussed out.

+100. Being an older person (I am) is no excuse. Sounds like BIL has had enough. Good for him for shutting her down.

You don't know what is going on with MIL, so don't make blanket statements based on yourself. Yes, lots of things like dementia, kidney disease, etc. can make people less "in control" as they age. Or, the MIL was dominated during her life and the only way she can make herself heard is to use passive aggressive comments like this. Not an excuse, but an understanding.

[Anonymous]

Was he right?