BIL called DH’s Mom a B****

[Anonymous]

From my view, MIL started it and BIL needed it. Skip 5e holiday and allow everyone to calm down. For the record, an apology doesn’t always make up for a rude comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whether a B or not or whether calling her a B or not, or who was right, wrong, justified, my breaking point would be both of them doing this in front of family and especially grandkids. No matter what the circumstances, this is not what I’d want in front of family and my children, nieces or nephews. To overlook it gives those kids the impression that it’s ok and permissible to let it happen to them in the future.

+1. I especially don’t want my daughters raised to think it’s ok for a man to call them that word without apology, no matter what the man’s excuses are.

[Anonymous]

Does MIL constantly criticize and insult SIL? My guess is yes, since SIL defended her husband. The only thing he needs to apologize for is the expletive — should be clear he is NOT sorry for expressing his anger at MIL’s rudeness.

[Anonymous]

So your NIL and BIL both behaved badly and your husband wants to stick his nose in and wallow in the drama?

He needs to stay out of this. Sure his BIL wasn't great but it does sound like mom pushes people until they explode. By acting like his mom was an innocent wronged party he is just making the situation worse.

[Anonymous]

Well, MIL is 80 y/o, so you should ask your husband what kind of relationship he wants to have with his sister and BIL when she eventually passes. If he declines to visit, he will have chosen MIL’s side, and that might forever change the relationship with his sister and BIL.

FWIW, it sounds like your MIL was being incredibly rude. A lot of people would have snapped in that situation, especially if the comments were constant.

[Anonymous]

Team BIL. The choice of word was unfortunate, but I am sure she has been treating him poorly since they got married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen this happen umpteen times in my South Asian family. We are raised to be deferential to our parents, in-laws and such. The older generation often plays the elder card to behave obnoxiously and then anyone who stands up against their nonsense immediately becomes the villain. Your MIL had it coming, OP.

+1. Does your husband even acknowledge the lifetime of your MIL’s crummy behavior? And what are his thoughts on how you all should deal with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it saying the Patio is not as good as xyz's is a reason to be cussed out and be called a "Bltch". I can understand the BIL being equally rude ans saying "Well, we really don't care what you feel about it because we like it and in our own house our taste matters!!"

So I am all for BIL making an equally rude remark back to MIL and putting her in her place - but cussing and calling her names is just unforgivable. I am on team OP's DH on this one.

However, the person I would worry about it OP's SIL, because she probably has no option but to support her DH. Also, if her DH can call the MIL a bltch, then he probably is also slapping around his biwi (wife) with impunity.

Your DH should not go.

That is . . . quite a leap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A couple of months ago, we were visiting DH’s sister’s house when my MIL made an insensitive comment and as a result, her husband got very upset and called my MIL a b**** in front of everyone (including grandchildren). DH harbors a lot of resentment towards him as a result of that incident. He cannot get over it. When it happened, we were all shocked as we come from a strict immigrant culture where parents are always respected.

DH is livid and wants to decline their invitation to have us come to their state to celebrate the holidays. Should I counsel him to look past his BIL’s behavior to keep the peace?

Nope. In general, I think you should stay out of it. Specifically, I think your husband should tell your BIL that name calling was not all right and he owes his mother-in-law an apology.

MIL was behaving badly and finally the straw broke the camel’s back. Maybe she’ll watch herself next time.

OP here. No she won’t. She’s 80 years old. She is unable to change her impulses. Believe me, we’ve all tried but at this point, most of us treat her like she is a 5 year old child.

I have tried to stay out of it but my DH Was gutchecking himself with me and I don’t know what the right answer is.

So she acts like this all the time? Team BIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is actually between the BIL and the MIL. Nobody else needs to take sides.

If the DH doesn't go then he is getting in the middle of other people's adult relationships, which usually makes things worse.

I guess DH doesn't have to go, this will only create more bad blood and eventually lead to relationships falling apart or being strained. DH should let the people involved sort out their differences.

This is how these families work though, one person walks around being endlessly rude and then the one time someone calls them out and is rude back everyone jumps on to shut them down. Dh needs to come to his mothers rescue rather than acknowledging that she is rude herself and not a victim. Its so typical.

Yes name calling isn't productive but if you've ever been around someone who constantly pushes your buttons, sometimes you are just done with it.

+1
MIL is a b----. She "needles" people by insulting them constantly, and when BIL finally snaps because she's been at them all weekend, she's suddenly the victim.

Also, your husband should stay out of it. She's 80, but it sounds like she's been like this for years. And you all enable it and treat her like a child, and lash out at the person who finally grows a pair and calls her out. No, he shouldn't have lost her temper. Yes, it's also her fault. And your husband is willing to wreck his relationship with his sister over it?

This is spot on.

[Anonymous]

I married to a South Asian family and I’m so glad BIL let it out. He didn’t just do it for him, he did it for all of us. Thank you for your service and sacrifice brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There has to be more to the story here. Pakistani here as well and no son in law would behave that way unless seriously provoked. The patio comment must’ve been a breaking point. What else happened that day?

I see this deference to elders become super toxic in a lot of families. At some point your DH needs to realize his mother can’t treat ppl the way she does and have the same results she has with her kids. You say you treat her like she’s 5 but really you should be talking to her about her rude behavior that everyone else tolerates instead of meekly siding with her for cultural reasons and making your BIL the bad guy.

Given the severity and rarity of the situation I’m inclined to be team BIL. Our culture punishes people who set boundaries and call out bad elder behavior.

They *don't* treat her like she's five. A 5 yo, if she were constantly rude, would be spoken to, and given consequences for her actions. That's obviously not happening here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married to a South Asian family and I’m so glad BIL let it out. He didn’t just do it for him, he did it for all of us. Thank you for your service and sacrifice brother.

Ha! I totally feel this as a child of a south Asian parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may be that MIL is starting to lose her marbles. 80 is quite old. Even if she was always somewhat like this, if she's getting worse, that may be an early sign of dementia or even high blood pressure. Plus, older people don't handle stress well, and even simple things, like a family dinner, can be quite stressful for a person that old. Keep in mind that older people can be really, really good at hiding it when things start to go south. It can be very subtle.

So, my first concern would be for OP's husband and his sister to have a calm conversation about whether their mother is starting to lose it a bit. Maybe it's time to speak with her doctor.

Then, as I would tell our grandchildren, it's never ok to name call. BIL is an adult. He is capable of executive function control. He should not have exploded that way. It was wrong and he needs to hear that from OP's DH. That said, I don't think he should be held hostage to an apology either.

Rather, the concern should be for the future. Since MIL is only likely to get worse as she ages further, I think it is fair for OP's DH to sit down with his sister and BIL and express his concern about how MIL will be treated as she ages. It may help for the family to come together and come to a shared understanding about how to cope and help each other.

It might also be helpful to see if OP can find some culturally-relevant materials on how to help aging parents. The local center on aging or perhaps a local non-profit may be able to offer support.

Thank you for this calm and collected perspective. Yes, I will coach my husband to approach it this way. I think the conversation needs to shift to what we are going to do about it as opposed to who is at fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it saying the Patio is not as good as xyz's is a reason to be cussed out and be called a "Bltch". I can understand the BIL being equally rude ans saying "Well, we really don't care what you feel about it because we like it and in our own house our taste matters!!"

So I am all for BIL making an equally rude remark back to MIL and putting her in her place - but cussing and calling her names is just unforgivable. I am on team OP's DH on this one.

However, the person I would worry about it OP's SIL, because she probably has no option but to support her DH. Also, if her DH can call the MIL a bltch, then he probably is also slapping around his biwi (wife) with impunity.

Your DH should not go.

That is . . . quite a leap.

Domestic violence is pretty common in the culture.