BIL called DH’s Mom a B****

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple of months ago, we were visiting DH’s sister’s house when my MIL made an insensitive comment and as a result, her husband got very upset and called my MIL a b**** in front of everyone (including grandchildren). DH harbors a lot of resentment towards him as a result of that incident. He cannot get over it. When it happened, we were all shocked as we come from a strict immigrant culture where parents are always respected.

DH is livid and wants to decline their invitation to have us come to their state to celebrate the holidays. Should I counsel him to look past his BIL’s behavior to keep the peace?

Did MIL do something that was in character of a b****? If yes, tell DH that she was a b**** and to let it go. If no, take BIL aside and let him know that an apology could go a long way in smoothing the waters.

[Anonymous]

BIL is not classy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple of months ago, we were visiting DH’s sister’s house when my MIL made an insensitive comment and as a result, her husband got very upset and called my MIL a b**** in front of everyone (including grandchildren). DH harbors a lot of resentment towards him as a result of that incident. He cannot get over it. When it happened, we were all shocked as we come from a strict immigrant culture where parents are always respected.

DH is livid and wants to decline their invitation to have us come to their state to celebrate the holidays. Should I counsel him to look past his BIL’s behavior to keep the peace?

No. DH can behave the way he want to behave with his mom and BIL. You stay out of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may be that MIL is starting to lose her marbles. 80 is quite old. Even if she was always somewhat like this, if she's getting worse, that may be an early sign of dementia or even high blood pressure. Plus, older people don't handle stress well, and even simple things, like a family dinner, can be quite stressful for a person that old. Keep in mind that older people can be really, really good at hiding it when things start to go south. It can be very subtle.

So, my first concern would be for OP's husband and his sister to have a calm conversation about whether their mother is starting to lose it a bit. Maybe it's time to speak with her doctor.

Then, as I would tell our grandchildren, it's never ok to name call. BIL is an adult. He is capable of executive function control. He should not have exploded that way. It was wrong and he needs to hear that from OP's DH. That said, I don't think he should be held hostage to an apology either.

Rather, the concern should be for the future. Since MIL is only likely to get worse as she ages further, I think it is fair for OP's DH to sit down with his sister and BIL and express his concern about how MIL will be treated as she ages. It may help for the family to come together and come to a shared understanding about how to cope and help each other.

It might also be helpful to see if OP can find some culturally-relevant materials on how to help aging parents. The local center on aging or perhaps a local non-profit may be able to offer support.

Thank you for this calm and collected perspective. Yes, I will coach my husband to approach it this way. I think the conversation needs to shift to what we are going to do about it as opposed to who is at fault.

Of course the only perspective you like is the one where MIL is 80 and losing her marbles despite the fact that you say she has been like this her whole life. You will coach your husband to sit down and shame BIL by talking about how he wants his mother treated in future.

What a shame none of you have been able to talk to her and sit her down and talk about her behaviour and how it affects other people. I am not sure why your husband needs to get involved in other people's drama's.

People say your BIL shouldn't have said this one thing. Called her a name. You still will not answer if your BIL has done this before. I am thinking not. This sounds like a once off. I get that its offensive but so is ongoing rude behaviour by your MIL. Why is her behaviour ok but BIL is not allowed one misstep. You can forgive your MIL over and over but not your BIL. You say you previously got upset with your MIL but BIL is not allowed to have a moment of being upset. I would think you would have some empathy with him and show him some support and in doing so simply explain you don't want that language around your children. If anything keep it at that, I am sure he would understand that and apologise for that.

I would rather teach my children and tell them, that if they are continually rude as your MIL is, people get upset and angry like what happened with BIL. That there are consequences for being insulting to people. Its a lesson to say that your BIL made a mistake himself in calling names but sometimes people are stressed and if its out of character then this when you support family.

This is why there are so many people on these forums with family upsets because people get told its ok to treat family like cr*p. They are family so they will put up with it. The real lesson is that you teach your kids to treat family with respect and that BIL's outburst is what happens when there is no respect. A teaching moment that you should be able to stand up for yourself and there are good ways and not so good ways to do this. Your kids see how your MIL is and you are teaching them to accept abuse. To be silent about it. You yourself say she has mental health issues and are now teaching your kids to accept any abuse she throws their way. Hopefully they don't continue with that belief in adulthood.

Of course underneath all this, is that you really want to teach your kids, to accept any behaviour of yours. As their parent you really want to teach them to defer to you, to put up with any bad behaviour on your part, to stay silent, to say nothing, to respect you even when you are not respecting them. Because ultimately your MIL is not showing one ounce of respect for any of you but just because she is older you feel you have to take this. And the cycle continues.

But you go ahead and feel that you need to have the conversation about her being older and losing her marbles. Whilst your husband has never stood up for you, you will also never stand up for your SIL, BIL or your children. If all of you turned around and told her to stop and that her behaviour was offensive, if none of you accepted it, perhaps she may have gotten help for herself and gone on meds. Something tells me she probably could have toned herself down a little, she just didn't need to because you all give her a green light to continue on.

You either have serious reading comprehension challenges or magazine racks full of issues (or both). This isn't some black and white issue where the choices are either vengeance or complicity. That's extremely immature thinking.

FYI - Encouraging the family to calmly discuss - presumably positive and more appropriate - ways they can work together to handle MIL's rudeness is not condoning it, excusing it, or overlooking. Rather, what was suggested is that the family help each other and that they come to a shared understanding of a healthier and not abusive way of managing grandma. If grandma is getting to be too much for someone, for example, then maybe they have a pre-existing agreement with the others to "tag out." The target of the rudeness can simply signal they need support and the others know to come in and redirect while the target gets a few moments to find their happy again. Or, maybe through their family discussion they notice that grandma is especially rude after 4pm, when she's tired, so they all agree to only see her for brunch and leave by 1pm. I can think of a lot of tactics that would place some much-needed boundaries around grandma's bad attitude that don't require flogging grandma in the town square, as some of you seem to want to do.

And look, I agree that it would have been ideal if this behavior had been addressed when grandma was a much younger person. But, I can assure you that at 80 it will only get worse. So, what's a compassionate person who also wants to have good boundaries to do? It sure isn't the crazy talk on this thread.

OP, I hope you and your family are able to find a good solution.

💯 this! Finally, a voice of reason.

[Anonymous]

I'm Team BIL. MIL sounds smug and insufferable. She's using her position as matriarch to be rude and insult her family. She got of easy with what she was called. BIL should have told her to C U Next Tuesday.

[Anonymous]

If op wants to have a family meeting, good luck to her. Hopefully everyone will be on board and it goes well.

I previously posted that I didn't think this was the way to go but that's just my take. Op can do what she feels is best and hopefully it does go smoothly for her, that would be the best outcome for all of them.

[Anonymous]

Op here. DH decided we are not going to go and to not address the topic until everyone in the family (including himself) has calmed down. Instead, we’ll just spend Xmas locally with his parents and other sibling.

He told his sister that we will not join them for the holidays but will see them in Spring Break as we usually go there during that time if that’s ok. Her response was “Don’t bother.”

So there’s that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DH decided we are not going to go and to not address the topic until everyone in the family (including himself) has calmed down. Instead, we’ll just spend Xmas locally with his parents and other sibling.

He told his sister that we will not join them for the holidays but will see them in Spring Break as we usually go there during that time if that’s ok. Her response was “Don’t bother.”

So there’s that.

Your DH sounds as mature as his mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DH decided we are not going to go and to not address the topic until everyone in the family (including himself) has calmed down. Instead, we’ll just spend Xmas locally with his parents and other sibling.

He told his sister that we will not join them for the holidays but will see them in Spring Break as we usually go there during that time if that’s ok. Her response was “Don’t bother.”

So there’s that.

That’s so disheartening on all sides (especially her response) but you need to let your husband decide what his limitations are with his own side of the family. There are family dynamics at play here that surely predate your arrival on the scene.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DH decided we are not going to go and to not address the topic until everyone in the family (including himself) has calmed down. Instead, we’ll just spend Xmas locally with his parents and other sibling.

He told his sister that we will not join them for the holidays but will see them in Spring Break as we usually go there during that time if that’s ok. Her response was “Don’t bother.”

So there’s that.

So he is going to reward the persistent attacker with his company and put the one who snapped once in a time out for the holidays. He picked sides. Won't be able to repair that relationship now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DH decided we are not going to go and to not address the topic until everyone in the family (including himself) has calmed down. Instead, we’ll just spend Xmas locally with his parents and other sibling.

He told his sister that we will not join them for the holidays but will see them in Spring Break as we usually go there during that time if that’s ok. Her response was “Don’t bother.”

So there’s that.

Nice. Ostracize the one family member who tried to call out the dysfunction in the family and break generational patterns of emotional abuse. If your DH really needed to calm down and wasn't so blindly glomming on to his mom, the right thing to do would be to boycott both homes for a bit and actually calm down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DH decided we are not going to go and to not address the topic until everyone in the family (including himself) has calmed down. Instead, we’ll just spend Xmas locally with his parents and other sibling.

He told his sister that we will not join them for the holidays but will see them in Spring Break as we usually go there during that time if that’s ok. Her response was “Don’t bother.”

So there’s that.

Sounds like your DH knows his family pretty well. Sometimes it is best to let tempers settle. His sister sounds very defensive, but that can be managed. Give everyone a little time and they can talk again in a few weeks. Then he starts that conversation with, “I know mom was wrong, but I still want the best relationship with her that we can have in the years she has left, and I also want to work together with you to ensure there are boundaries around her worst tendencies so they aren’t so hurtful or impactful on you or my family, etc. How can we work together to have the best possible?” Then just think through some options for how that can be done as a team to show her that he is serious about finding productive ways to address the issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DH decided we are not going to go and to not address the topic until everyone in the family (including himself) has calmed down. Instead, we’ll just spend Xmas locally with his parents and other sibling.

He told his sister that we will not join them for the holidays but will see them in Spring Break as we usually go there during that time if that’s ok. Her response was “Don’t bother.”

So there’s that.

Sounds like your DH knows his family pretty well. Sometimes it is best to let tempers settle. His sister sounds very defensive, but that can be managed. Give everyone a little time and they can talk again in a few weeks. Then he starts that conversation with, “I know mom was wrong, but I still want the best relationship with her that we can have in the years she has left, and I also want to work together with you to ensure there are boundaries around her worst tendencies so they aren’t so hurtful or impactful on you or my family, etc. How can we work together to have the best possible?” Then just think through some options for how that can be done as a team to show her that he is serious about finding productive ways to address the issues.

Won’t work. The DH thinks his mom walks on water and BIL is the only one at fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DH decided we are not going to go and to not address the topic until everyone in the family (including himself) has calmed down. Instead, we’ll just spend Xmas locally with his parents and other sibling.

He told his sister that we will not join them for the holidays but will see them in Spring Break as we usually go there during that time if that’s ok. Her response was “Don’t bother.”

So there’s that.

So he is going to reward the persistent attacker with his company and put the one who snapped once in a time out for the holidays. He picked sides. Won't be able to repair that relationship now.

Exactly. Now BIL and SIL get punished for snapping over the final straw and poor MIL gets her feelings stroked. OP, you better watch out. With the black sheep out of the picture, MIL will need to ramp up the jerky behavior to a new target and your DH has just shown her that he will take her side no matter what. Unless there are other DILs to target, you are next.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DH decided we are not going to go and to not address the topic until everyone in the family (including himself) has calmed down. Instead, we’ll just spend Xmas locally with his parents and other sibling.

He told his sister that we will not join them for the holidays but will see them in Spring Break as we usually go there during that time if that’s ok. Her response was “Don’t bother.”

So there’s that.

Sounds like your DH knows his family pretty well. Sometimes it is best to let tempers settle. His sister sounds very defensive, but that can be managed. Give everyone a little time and they can talk again in a few weeks. Then he starts that conversation with, “I know mom was wrong, but I still want the best relationship with her that we can have in the years she has left, and I also want to work together with you to ensure there are boundaries around her worst tendencies so they aren’t so hurtful or impactful on you or my family, etc. How can we work together to have the best possible?” Then just think through some options for how that can be done as a team to show her that he is serious about finding productive ways to address the issues.

Yep. He didn’t think discussing the issue now was going to resolve anything. If we go, it looks like we are taking sister’s side. If we don’t, then it looks like we are taking sister’s side. He discussed with his other local sister and they both are on the same page about taking a break this holiday season. We just booked a last minute ski getaway for our nuclear family of 5!