What is with DCUM women and "mental loads?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:90 percent of women on my block are SAHMs. My neighbor for instance has one kid at home, an executive husband and she does clean her own house and manage house and makes dinner for three every night. Except weekends.

Her husband works in an office and eats breakfast and lunch there.

So an extra chicken cutlet at dinner time and sex on his birthday is what he gets for sharing his 600k a year salary with her.

She can deal with mental load

Exhibit A for why women are underappreciated. This woman cleans, manages a house, parents, cooks and she should be grateful for it!

Sounds like all this man has to do is go to work. I'd rather be the man in this situation. And yes, I also make a good salary.

A LOT of people do the bolded tasks but do not get to enjoy the lifestyle afforded by a 600K individual salary. So while her work is not unimportant, without her husband's income, her standard of living would likely drop significantly. Ergo, she *absolutely* should be grateful to her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

I do all of this and have a paid job. It's not hard. Why do women seem to struggle with it?

-- Single Dad.

If this isn’t hard for you, you are either superdad or crummy at your job and at parenting.

Do you always think in such binary terms?

I'm no "superdad" but I am a good, if imperfect one.

I'm a top performer at work in a senior executive role.

My kids are older teens now and I've taught them to take on more responsibility for themselves. They make their own doctors and dental appointments now, for example and even go alone unless I am required to be there because they are minors. They know the birthdays of their family members. They also know when bills are due (contribute to their phone and car insurance expenses) and each kid prepares one family meal per week (DD1 has Tuesdays and DD2 does Thursdays).

I guided DD1 on college applications, but served more as a consultant and adviser -- she did it all herself.

DD2 initiated her driving behind the wheel tests.

If they need permission slips or early dismissals, they talk to me and we get it done.

Again, some of this is tedious, but it's not really HARD, let alone mentally taxing.

Well duh, because your kids are old enough that they could take up the slack. If they were in elementary school, your life would be very different. Why on earth would you weigh in on this when the women complaining aren’t talking about high school kids? Guess what? Parenting will be even easier for you when your kids are in their 40s, but it will still be challenging for parents of toddlers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:90 percent of women on my block are SAHMs. My neighbor for instance has one kid at home, an executive husband and she does clean her own house and manage house and makes dinner for three every night. Except weekends.

Her husband works in an office and eats breakfast and lunch there.

So an extra chicken cutlet at dinner time and sex on his birthday is what he gets for sharing his 600k a year salary with her.

She can deal with mental load

Exhibit A for why women are underappreciated. This woman cleans, manages a house, parents, cooks and she should be grateful for it!

Sounds like all this man has to do is go to work. I'd rather be the man in this situation. And yes, I also make a good salary.

A LOT of people do the bolded tasks but do not get to enjoy the lifestyle afforded by a 600K individual salary. So while her work is not unimportant, without her husband's income, her standard of living would likely drop significantly. Ergo, she *absolutely* should be grateful to her husband.

Did you hear the point when it went whooshing over your head?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand that this is a real thing based on a societal expectation carried over from a time when most women didn’t work outside the home. What I don’t understand is why women like those on DCUM allow this to persist. You recognize it’s happening and yet you keep doing it? Why?

Because I have to.

My husband agreed he would be responsible for all medical appointments. My 9 yr old has been 3 times in her whole life and now needs one baby tooth capped and another pulled.

It’s either take things back that are supposed to be on his plate, or divorce. And I actually do love him so that’s not a good solution.

Your 9 DD has been to the dentist 3 times in their life? WTAF? DH here who found and handle all dental appts, but DW is aware of them (on a shared calendar) and sees the postcard from Dentist.

Soooo…maybe now you can see why some women are complaining?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is still a gigantic disparity in the gender death gap.

Women can cry about mental loads all they want. Men clearly deal more internally with stress and don't cry about it. That's why they die earlier and die more often from almost every disease out there.

They also are more reluctant to go to the doctor, which makes a difference in their health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:90 percent of women on my block are SAHMs. My neighbor for instance has one kid at home, an executive husband and she does clean her own house and manage house and makes dinner for three every night. Except weekends.

Her husband works in an office and eats breakfast and lunch there.

So an extra chicken cutlet at dinner time and sex on his birthday is what he gets for sharing his 600k a year salary with her.

She can deal with mental load

Exhibit A for why women are underappreciated. This woman cleans, manages a house, parents, cooks and she should be grateful for it!

Sounds like all this man has to do is go to work. I'd rather be the man in this situation. And yes, I also make a good salary.

+1000. I was a SAHM until my youngest went to kindergarten. It was horrible. I love my kids but I also like time alone. Now that I make almost as much as my DH the mental load is equalizing. He really started doing more when I had a high demand/visibility position and just couldn’t anymore.

I think if it is just assumed to be mom’s responsibility, it’s infuriating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:90 percent of women on my block are SAHMs. My neighbor for instance has one kid at home, an executive husband and she does clean her own house and manage house and makes dinner for three every night. Except weekends.

Her husband works in an office and eats breakfast and lunch there.

So an extra chicken cutlet at dinner time and sex on his birthday is what he gets for sharing his 600k a year salary with her.

She can deal with mental load

Exhibit A for why women are underappreciated. This woman cleans, manages a house, parents, cooks and she should be grateful for it!

Sounds like all this man has to do is go to work. I'd rather be the man in this situation. And yes, I also make a good salary.

She’s also RAISING HIS CHILD. Don’t want a SAHM wife or even a working wife who complains about the mental load? Don’t produce a tiny helpless human being who legally requires around the clock care for years, and even once they can walk and talk and go to school, there is both a legal and social expectation of care, love, and support that will last until that person is an adult.

Only a [garbage] man would view someone doing 100% of the child rearing as I sufficiently contributing to a household because she is “only” making one extra serving of dinner (again, all the good she prepares for their child apparently benefits the husband in no way) and keeping the house clean.

I swear, you have to be a psychopath to think like this. Men who think this way should honestly not be allowed to procreate and if they do, they should just go away and pay child support because children should not be exposed to this kind of thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

I do all of this and have a paid job. It's not hard. Why do women seem to struggle with it?

-- Single Dad.

You know that this is not equivalent to single parenting -- why the red herring?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is still a gigantic disparity in the gender death gap.

Women can cry about mental loads all they want. Men clearly deal more internally with stress and don't cry about it. That's why they die earlier and die more often from almost every disease out there.

They also are more reluctant to go to the doctor, which makes a difference in their health.

Here’s what you need to do: open your eyes and look at all the Middle Ages couples. So many are a woman who stay in shape and some portly dude who breaks a sweat when he eats and thinks he’s a catch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:90 percent of women on my block are SAHMs. My neighbor for instance has one kid at home, an executive husband and she does clean her own house and manage house and makes dinner for three every night. Except weekends.

Her husband works in an office and eats breakfast and lunch there.

So an extra chicken cutlet at dinner time and sex on his birthday is what he gets for sharing his 600k a year salary with her.

She can deal with mental load

Exhibit A for why women are underappreciated. This woman cleans, manages a house, parents, cooks and she should be grateful for it!

Sounds like all this man has to do is go to work. I'd rather be the man in this situation. And yes, I also make a good salary.

+1000. I was a SAHM until my youngest went to kindergarten. It was horrible. I love my kids but I also like time alone. Now that I make almost as much as my DH the mental load is equalizing. He really started doing more when I had a high demand/visibility position and just couldn’t anymore.

I think if it is just assumed to be mom’s responsibility, it’s infuriating.

This is why I pretty much refuse to go back to work full-time. My kids are in school, and when my husband makes noises about me going back, I ask him what additional tasks he will do if I do. He replies that he will order our groceries online.

He has no idea on any given week if he will have to leave for work early or stay at work late (attorney) or go meet a client or have some other fire to put out. He’s helpful enough when he’s here but doesn’t give it a second though when he calls to say he will be late. The only way I don’t lose my mind at the inequity is the fact that I don’t also work full time. (I am a sub.) If I did work full time I think I would just be angry at him all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:90 percent of women on my block are SAHMs. My neighbor for instance has one kid at home, an executive husband and she does clean her own house and manage house and makes dinner for three every night. Except weekends.

Her husband works in an office and eats breakfast and lunch there.

So an extra chicken cutlet at dinner time and sex on his birthday is what he gets for sharing his 600k a year salary with her.

She can deal with mental load

Exhibit A for why women are underappreciated. This woman cleans, manages a house, parents, cooks and she should be grateful for it!

Sounds like all this man has to do is go to work. I'd rather be the man in this situation. And yes, I also make a good salary.

+1000. I was a SAHM until my youngest went to kindergarten. It was horrible. I love my kids but I also like time alone. Now that I make almost as much as my DH the mental load is equalizing. He really started doing more when I had a high demand/visibility position and just couldn’t anymore.

I think if it is just assumed to be mom’s responsibility, it’s infuriating.

This is why I pretty much refuse to go back to work full-time. My kids are in school, and when my husband makes noises about me going back, I ask him what additional tasks he will do if I do. He replies that he will order our groceries online.

He has no idea on any given week if he will have to leave for work early or stay at work late (attorney) or go meet a client or have some other fire to put out. He’s helpful enough when he’s here but doesn’t give it a second though when he calls to say he will be late. The only way I don’t lose my mind at the inequity is the fact that I don’t also work full time. (I am a sub.) If I did work full time I think I would just be angry at him all the time.

Basically the same here. I always assumed I would go back when the kids were in school full time, but then we have these conversations and he realizes, with his current job, my income just wouldn’t be worth the stress of him having to do even more than he already does. I‘k homeschooling now but when this kid goes back to school I might do something like freelance writing just so I can feel productive, but right now we both know that the easiest option for both of us is for me to not work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

I do all of this and have a paid job. It's not hard. Why do women seem to struggle with it?

-- Single Dad.

Yes, and all the women on DCUM are doing it too! Probably better than you! But imagine if you had a partner who didn't help with any of it, even though you both worked similar jobs and hours for similar salaries. Wouldn't that seem unfair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:90 percent of women on my block are SAHMs. My neighbor for instance has one kid at home, an executive husband and she does clean her own house and manage house and makes dinner for three every night. Except weekends.

Her husband works in an office and eats breakfast and lunch there.

So an extra chicken cutlet at dinner time and sex on his birthday is what he gets for sharing his 600k a year salary with her.

She can deal with mental load

I am a lawyer in biglaw and I am constantly told on this board I should quit my job to support my husband’s even more lucrative job instead of expecting him to do half the work. Seeing you frame it as if being a SAHM is a favor men do for their wives is really hilarious. First husbands burn out their working wives by not doing the work, and then when women lean out so it gets done, they’re painted as leeches. Lovely.

[Anonymous]

This thread is proof positive of why men die earlier.

They need to get away from all of the nasty, horrible women they're married to. Better to die than live with these nasty shrews.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is proof positive of why men die earlier.

They need to get away from all of the nasty, horrible women they're married to. Better to die than live with these nasty shrews.