What is with DCUM women and "mental loads?"

[Anonymous]

So much of it is 1) having more than one kid and 2) caring about things you shouldn't GAF about. Like matching festive PJs for Christmas cards. Men are smart enough to know they shouldn't care about these things!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have three young children and I SAH. I take care of everything kid-related. I pick the extra-curriculars, help them with their homework, drop-off/pick-up, schedule playdates, buy clothes, do laundry, grocery shop, clean, bathe the kids, get their vaccines, etc. My DH has never even met their pediatrician and definitely doesn’t know their clothing sizes. I pack his lunch and he comes home to a clean house, homework finished, fed - and bathed kids, and plays with them for an hour before dinner. I don’t mind it at all. I like a clean house and my children are happy. But if I had to work and do this? No way. Emotional labor literally didn’t exist before women worked full-time outside of the home. It was literally just “being a mom”.

This is the kicker - and it's made even more difficult because when you work FT outside of the home, you also have to find/hire/pay childcare as well as coordinate all the kids' schedules with parents or babysitters to make the appointments happen. I remember my boss being shocked that I wasn't coming into work because school was cancelled for a snow day. He literally had never dealt with a snow day in his life (other than shoveling and commuting) because his wife stayed at home with the kids. This was in the early 2000s.

[Anonymous]

There is a great book called "Fair Play" where she divides tasks into "conception, planning, and execution."

The "mental load" is the conception and planning part. I would say there are roughly 20-30 tasks that need to be done to keep the house and get children raised on any given day, so even if the specific tasks just take a few minutes, it can add up.

Here are her examples:
https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards/cpe

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a great book called "Fair Play" where she divides tasks into "conception, planning, and execution."

The "mental load" is the conception and planning part. I would say there are roughly 20-30 tasks that need to be done to keep the house and get children raised on any given day, so even if the specific tasks just take a few minutes, it can add up.

Here are her examples:
https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards/cpe

If a women outsourced everything what is her point? Meaning my few friends who were loaded seriously considered just paying someone to have their kids or just donating a sperm bank or knocking a women up.

All four eventually married SAH wives who are real mothers to their children like they had growing up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much of it is 1) having more than one kid and 2) caring about things you shouldn't GAF about. Like matching festive PJs for Christmas cards. Men are smart enough to know they shouldn't care about these things!

Plenty of women are smart enough, too. So many of the examples on this thread are not worth caring about.

-Working mom of three happy, healthy (knock wood) elementary school kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Completely optional. Yes if it's fun for you, no if it's not: Christmas cards, professional photo shoots, coordinating outfits, gifts or cards for extended family and friends, demanding extracurriculars/travel sports, decorating for holidays, travel for pleasure, home renovations, church, fundraisers, school dances/plays/activities/snack/potlucks, supervising homework (for typical children), home improvement, gardening, extra credit, school pictures, PTA.

Somewhat optional, you do you: Gifts or cards for close family/in-laws, volunteer work. Sports, scouting, tutoring (assuming you mean letting a kid take a harder class than they can handle on their own), art/music instruction, clubs. Cultural activities/dining out. Yearbooks.

Technically/possibly optional but skipping them every year would make you a pretty major jerk: Field trips, orthodontia, birthday parties, camps or activities with stringent deadlines, charitable giving,, playdates, entertaining. Birthday, holiday gifts/celebrations for immediate family. Travel to see family, assisting elderly relatives, weddings. Teacher conferences, holiday tips, teacher gifts

Not optional: tracking school calendar, securing child care/aftercare/summer programming, doctor/dental appointments, haircuts, clothes and shoes. Sick days. Forms/paperwork for school. Paying bills, meal planning (or how do you shop, ffs?), grocery shopping, food prep, home/yard maintenance. Cleaning. Covid impacts/quarantines. Therapies, specialized programming -- either not optional or not necessary. Pet care/vet/training if you have a pet, but you're not required to get a pet.

No

No what? You are required to get a pet?

[Anonymous]

My kids’ dentist said that their busiest day is Mother’s Day because the dads are taking care of the kids and I guess don’t watch them well and the kids get injuries that involve their teeth. I didn’t ask which parent brings them in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much of it is 1) having more than one kid and 2) caring about things you shouldn't GAF about. Like matching festive PJs for Christmas cards. Men are smart enough to know they shouldn't care about these things!

If that’s your take on the whole thing you are not smart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids’ dentist said that their busiest day is Mother’s Day because the dads are taking care of the kids and I guess don’t watch them well and the kids get injuries that involve their teeth. I didn’t ask which parent brings them in.

That's pretty sad. Can't there be required parenting classes for men? Why is this even acceptable?

[Anonymous]

Women don't realize that they don't have to do a lot of the things they do. Cut back on stuff you really don't like to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women don't realize that they don't have to do a lot of the things they do. Cut back on stuff you really don't like to do.

Okay and how about men meet us halfway and do things that do need to be done?

Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women don't realize that they don't have to do a lot of the things they do. Cut back on stuff you really don't like to do.

Okay and how about men meet us halfway and do things that do need to be done?

Problem solved.

Have you considered that what YOU think is "things that do need to be done" really need to be done? What happens if they, in fact, don't get done?

Example: the baby's diaper needs to be changed. What happens if it doesn't get changed? The baby starts to cry. Of course, you have pre-empted your spouse by changing the diaper before that happens. What if you had waited? Would your spouse really have sat there on his duff letting the baby cry and cry?

And then this ... is your husband picking up duties that you have not considered? I get it, you're all about you and your load. But, honestly, doesn't he have a load, too?

I am a woman posting this, not some man. I admit that I think most of the woman posting here are snowflakes. None of what I've read seems unusual or out of line for a wife and mother to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women don't realize that they don't have to do a lot of the things they do. Cut back on stuff you really don't like to do.

Okay and how about men meet us halfway and do things that do need to be done?

Problem solved.

Have you considered that what YOU think is "things that do need to be done" really need to be done? What happens if they, in fact, don't get done?

Example: the baby's diaper needs to be changed. What happens if it doesn't get changed? The baby starts to cry. Of course, you have pre-empted your spouse by changing the diaper before that happens. What if you had waited? Would your spouse really have sat there on his duff letting the baby cry and cry?

And then this ... is your husband picking up duties that you have not considered? I get it, you're all about you and your load. But, honestly, doesn't he have a load, too?

I am a woman posting this, not some man. I admit that I think most of the woman posting here are snowflakes. None of what I've read seems unusual or out of line for a wife and mother to do.

You just showed everyone your hand with this last line. The fact that you specified ‘wife and mother’ says it all. You don’t think it’s unusual or out of line for a wife and mother to do…but no mention of ‘husband’ or ‘father’. Why do they get a pass? Is it because you think these tasks should automatically fall on the wife and mother? Why is that?

You’re part of the problem and it’s views like yours that perpetuates the problem further. If you were objective, you would’ve phrased it as ‘spouse and parent’ or even ‘adult and parent’.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women don't realize that they don't have to do a lot of the things they do. Cut back on stuff you really don't like to do.

Okay and how about men meet us halfway and do things that do need to be done?

Problem solved.

Have you considered that what YOU think is "things that do need to be done" really need to be done? What happens if they, in fact, don't get done?

Example: the baby's diaper needs to be changed. What happens if it doesn't get changed? The baby starts to cry. Of course, you have pre-empted your spouse by changing the diaper before that happens. What if you had waited? Would your spouse really have sat there on his duff letting the baby cry and cry?

And then this ... is your husband picking up duties that you have not considered? I get it, you're all about you and your load. But, honestly, doesn't he have a load, too?

I am a woman posting this, not some man. I admit that I think most of the woman posting here are snowflakes. None of what I've read seems unusual or out of line for a wife and mother to do.

You just showed everyone your hand with this last line. The fact that you specified ‘wife and mother’ says it all. You don’t think it’s unusual or out of line for a wife and mother to do…but no mention of ‘husband’ or ‘father’. Why do they get a pass? Is it because you think these tasks should automatically fall on the wife and mother? Why is that?

You’re part of the problem and it’s views like yours that perpetuates the problem further. If you were objective, you would’ve phrased it as ‘spouse and parent’ or even ‘adult and parent’.

??? Why would I pretend to be a man and a father? I'm not and I clearly state that in my post. I am a wife and mother, as are most of the people posting on this thread. It would be disingenuous to say otherwise. None of the posts from women and mothers here have anything listed that sounds abnormal or extreme for a wife and mother to consider part of her contribution to a family.

If you want to start a thread about DCUM men and "mental loads" then go for it. But this thread is about DCUM women and "mental loads."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids’ dentist said that their busiest day is Mother’s Day because the dads are taking care of the kids and I guess don’t watch them well and the kids get injuries that involve their teeth. I didn’t ask which parent brings them in.

That's pretty sad. Can't there be required parenting classes for men? Why is this even acceptable?

Is this even true? Or is just one big case of confirmation bias?