What is with DCUM women and "mental loads?"

[Anonymous]

You are surprised that talk about the mental load springs up on a moms board in december?

LOL.

Listen some things aren't really NECESSARY. PP above me going on about who chooses the christmas card outfits. Like, that is a self imposed thing we do to ourselves (I do to myself!), and like the extra curriculars, I am pretty chill and will let my kid choose their own extra curriculars. But many are not. The stuff about coats and masks and homework and doctor's appointments and potty training and behavioral issues are real and most dads are not as clued in as they could be. Add this to the holidays where women frequently feel obligated to participate in a slew of 'extra' stuff like recognizing teachers and 150 different family members and the weight starts to accumulate too heavy.

Feels pretty mean to be hating on people who are struggling a bit under the weight of their responsibilities around the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

I do all of this and have a paid job. It's not hard. Why do women seem to struggle with it?

-- Single Dad.

I was raised by a single dad. And while he was a good dad, and I love him, a LOT of things were missed. I missed tons of doctor's appointments, my teeth were a mess, I rarely got new clothes/new things until I was old enough to work and buy them myself, I could never do any after school or weekend activities because that would have been too much for him to handle, etc.

Was it the worst childhood ever? No. Did I turn out okay? I guess. I did go through a major depression as a teen, I think partially because I felt like he didn't care enough to do the basics. Ended up turning to boys as a source of male attention. I had to work through a lot of that resentment as a young adult. And I had to pay a lot of money in my 20s for dental work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work in an elementary school and often kids are sent to school without coats in the winter. Every single time, it's when the dad drops them off. Every. Time. If you say something to the father, their reply is along the lines of "oh, she forgot to grab it this morning! Oops!" Which may be acceptable for a 5th grader, but for a kindergartener or first grader, who can't be responsible for remembering every single thing they bring to school, it's not okay. The parent needs to verify that the kid has everything. And the next day, guess what, dad forgets the coat again.

But, talking with the dads got nowhere, so now we have to say something to the moms as well if we want the kids to be warm. So now, while dad is technically doing the drop off, mom has to take on the mental load of letting dad know he forgot the coat and making sure he brings it at all future drop offs. Now mom has to pack all school things up the night before, double check that dad got everything, remind her child to grab their coat, etc. And when that's happening for multiple little things, it all starts to add up.

And, even worse, dads will have excuses like "I don't know where her coat is" or for the divorced ones, "she doesn't have a coat at my place". So it's clear they think knowing where basic necessities are isn't important since mom can do it, and that mom should be responsible for getting necessities for dad's house, too.

This was true following my divorce. I still carried the burden of making sure things were done at his house when the kids were with him. Otherwise, they would have been without funds added to their lunch accounts, proper seasonal clothing, notes for school etc.,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think one of the challenges with the mental load is that it can be really hard to share it because so much is entwined. I gave this a lot of thought when DH and I had kids. He has ADHD and so I know juggling the mental stuff is not his strength while I generally like doing things like shopping for their clothes, planning parties, researching camp and travel options. So, for the most part, I don't mind the mental load (and yes I work FT). But what has helped a lot is to make certain domains 100% his. And I think a lot of wives would be fine with that, but it falls apart when the DH won't do the basics in what they agreed to. DH, however, has been good at sticking with keeping up on his domains, to at least basic health and safety standards even if it's not what I'd do. I definitely had to restrain myself at points on giving advise but it gets easier over time. Starting with babies, I never gave a child a bath. Baths were his job 100%. He handles all grocery shopping, I just add things to the running list as I need them. We have a dog and dog care is all him -- figuring out training for the puppy, handling all vet visits, booking boarding. Teaching the kids to drive also all him. He was the only one who kept track of boy scout stuff. I still have the bigger mental load but I'm fine with the split and the fact that he does take responsibility for the things we've decided are his.

Yes, I think we wound up organizing things this way as well. For some reason he took ownership of our covid cards, LOL, and has them all scanned, emailed to all our accounts, placed in little holders and locked in the safe. LOL. It's like he waited 15 years to execute this task to perfection. Still love him, though.

It gets easier as kids get older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand this term "mental" load, maybe menial load, physical load, but mental - no, that's not right.

It’s referred to as ‘mental’ because it’s a ton of small, unrelated tasks that we have to keep track of!

I've also heard it described as women's invisible labor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:90 percent of women on my block are SAHMs. My neighbor for instance has one kid at home, an executive husband and she does clean her own house and manage house and makes dinner for three every night. Except weekends.

Her husband works in an office and eats breakfast and lunch there.

So an extra chicken cutlet at dinner time and sex on his birthday is what he gets for sharing his 600k a year salary with her.

She can deal with mental load

Exhibit A for why women are underappreciated. This woman cleans, manages a house, parents, cooks and she should be grateful for it!

Sounds like all this man has to do is go to work. I'd rather be the man in this situation. And yes, I also make a good salary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are surprised that talk about the mental load springs up on a moms board in december?

LOL.

Listen some things aren't really NECESSARY. PP above me going on about who chooses the christmas card outfits. Like, that is a self imposed thing we do to ourselves (I do to myself!), and like the extra curriculars, I am pretty chill and will let my kid choose their own extra curriculars. But many are not. The stuff about coats and masks and homework and doctor's appointments and potty training and behavioral issues are real and most dads are not as clued in as they could be. Add this to the holidays where women frequently feel obligated to participate in a slew of 'extra' stuff like recognizing teachers and 150 different family members and the weight starts to accumulate too heavy.

Feels pretty mean to be hating on people who are struggling a bit under the weight of their responsibilities around the holidays.

I only asked those things because the guy said he did them himself! I was quite taken aback by the Christmas cards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is still a gigantic disparity in the gender death gap.

Women can cry about mental loads all they want. Men clearly deal more internally with stress and don't cry about it. That's why they die earlier and die more often from almost every disease out there.

I would be curious about your claim of causation here but maybe if men did cry for once they would live longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

I do all of this and have a paid job. It's not hard. Why do women seem to struggle with it?

-- Single Dad.

If you had a spouse who adds to the labor in your household (one more person to feed, one more person whose laundry needs to be done, one more person who has appointments and commitments around which family plans have to be made), but that spouse didn’t contribute equally to running the household, you might feel resentful. Also, was there anything that your wife did that you don’t do for the household? Do you entertain just as much, decorate just as much, write as many thank you cards, stay in equally in touch with extended relatives, buy as many gifts for your nieces/nephews, etc.? If you do, that’s wonderful, but you’re the exception, not the rule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

I do all of this and have a paid job. It's not hard. Why do women seem to struggle with it?

-- Single Dad.

If you had a spouse who adds to the labor in your household (one more person to feed, one more person whose laundry needs to be done, one more person who has appointments and commitments around which family plans have to be made), but that spouse didn’t contribute equally to running the household, you might feel resentful. Also, was there anything that your wife did that you don’t do for the household? Do you entertain just as much, decorate just as much, write as many thank you cards, stay in equally in touch with extended relatives, buy as many gifts for your nieces/nephews, etc.? If you do, that’s wonderful, but you’re the exception, not the rule.

He responded. He doesn’t, he offloads everything onto his kids, who are older teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some helpful articles if anyone on this thread is truly interested.

https://www.workingmother.com/this-comic-perfectly-explains-mental-load-working-mothers-bear

https://www.healthline.com/health/relationships/mental-load

https://www.forbes.com/sites/rachelcarrell/2019/08/15/lets-share-womens-mental-load/?sh=5453b1786bd6

They aren't interested in learning. They want to live in denial and rail against any change. They have to protect their fragile ego against self-reflection.

Ha, yes 1+. And to sidetrack a bit into "Least favorite DCUM moves" the "I'm just asking a question" feint is one of the most annoying. I'd say 90% of this variety of questioner does not want an answer!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

I do all of this and have a paid job. It's not hard. Why do women seem to struggle with it?

-- Single Dad.

If this isn’t hard for you, you are either superdad or crummy at your job and at parenting.

Do you always think in such binary terms?

I'm no "superdad" but I am a good, if imperfect one.

I'm a top performer at work in a senior executive role.

My kids are older teens now and I've taught them to take on more responsibility for themselves. They make their own doctors and dental appointments now, for example and even go alone unless I am required to be there because they are minors. They know the birthdays of their family members. They also know when bills are due (contribute to their phone and car insurance expenses) and each kid prepares one family meal per week (DD1 has Tuesdays and DD2 does Thursdays).

I guided DD1 on college applications, but served more as a consultant and adviser -- she did it all herself.

DD2 initiated her driving behind the wheel tests.

If they need permission slips or early dismissals, they talk to me and we get it done.

Again, some of this is tedious, but it's not really HARD, let alone mentally taxing.

What did you do before your teenagers could take care of all of these things? Who provided childcare?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is still a gigantic disparity in the gender death gap.

Women can cry about mental loads all they want. Men clearly deal more internally with stress and don't cry about it. That's why they die earlier and die more often from almost every disease out there.

I would be curious about your claim of causation here but maybe if men did cry for once they would live longer.

That is not why they die early. They are less needed biologically. Old women continue to be caretakers for the population. Old men are not caretakers and they don't produce new children, there is no evolutionary need for old men. So they are strong and virile until 60-70 when there sperm becomes useless and then they decline more quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand that this is a real thing based on a societal expectation carried over from a time when most women didn’t work outside the home. What I don’t understand is why women like those on DCUM allow this to persist. You recognize it’s happening and yet you keep doing it? Why?

Because I have to.

My husband agreed he would be responsible for all medical appointments. My 9 yr old has been 3 times in her whole life and now needs one baby tooth capped and another pulled.

It’s either take things back that are supposed to be on his plate, or divorce. And I actually do love him so that’s not a good solution.

Your 9 DD has been to the dentist 3 times in their life? WTAF? DH here who found and handle all dental appts, but DW is aware of them (on a shared calendar) and sees the postcard from Dentist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

I do all of this and have a paid job. It's not hard. Why do women seem to struggle with it?

-- Single Dad.

I was raised by a single dad. And while he was a good dad, and I love him, a LOT of things were missed. I missed tons of doctor's appointments, my teeth were a mess, I rarely got new clothes/new things until I was old enough to work and buy them myself, I could never do any after school or weekend activities because that would have been too much for him to handle, etc.

Was it the worst childhood ever? No. Did I turn out okay? I guess. I did go through a major depression as a teen, I think partially because I felt like he didn't care enough to do the basics. Ended up turning to boys as a source of male attention. I had to work through a lot of that resentment as a young adult. And I had to pay a lot of money in my 20s for dental work.

This, plus people cut single dads a ton of slack because the mere fact that they are men parenting alone is viewed as heroic. Or even if people are annoyed/frustrated, he never knows because he is not tuned into that frequency. There is so much dads miss but they pay themselves on the back and don’t realize it, even if their kids suffer as a result, because they were not raised to think about a lot of stuff.