What is with DCUM women and "mental loads?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand that this is a real thing based on a societal expectation carried over from a time when most women didn’t work outside the home. What I don’t understand is why women like those on DCUM allow this to persist. You recognize it’s happening and yet you keep doing it? Why?

Because I have to.

My husband agreed he would be responsible for all medical appointments. My 9 yr old has been 3 times in her whole life and now needs one baby tooth capped and another pulled.

It’s either take things back that are supposed to be on his plate, or divorce. And I actually do love him so that’s not a good solution.

+1

Why not ask why men allow this to persist? You're accepting the framing that it is a woman's job to manage the household work.

And you keep doing it because these are often things that you can't just let slide without negative consequences, including for children who didn't have any control over it. Not doing these things means your kids don't get vaccinated or have their teeth cleaned; don't have shoes or clothes that fit and are appropriate for the weather, don't have school supplies, don't have meals.

He’s also accepting the framing that it’s a woman’s job to keep the dynamic from existing. Maybe he should ask other men why they refuse to see it’s a problem and tell them to man up and do their fair share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand that this is a real thing based on a societal expectation carried over from a time when most women didn’t work outside the home. What I don’t understand is why women like those on DCUM allow this to persist. You recognize it’s happening and yet you keep doing it? Why?

Sometimes it’s because men and women have different standards. My husband would rather throw out clothing than work to remove stains. If he planned birthday parties, the kids would have the same party every year, there would be no decorations, and there wouldn’t be any food for the guest with celiac disease to eat. If he planned holiday celebrations, we’d always have pizza on paper plates and very few, if any, decorations. If he was responsible for scheduling summer camps, he’d book the very first camp he looked at and he’d figure that we would figure out transportation later on. When he took dd to urgent care for a sore throat, I got texts from dh because he couldn’t fill out the paperwork. He didn’t know what medications dd takes or what doses. When I had to leave home to care for a dying parent, dh just decided dd didn’t need her medication, so he stopped giving it to her, even though it’s one that you’re not supposed to quit cold turkey.

Dh is completely capable of doing better. He chooses not to because this stuff doesn’t matter to him. It matters to me, so I take care of all of it.

I'd note that one of the things that "doesn't matter to him" is his daughter's health. Father of the Year, right here.

[Anonymous]

Why don't I "let" my husband take care of half the mental load? Hahahaha. Because there are real consequences and my children will be the victims. If my husband were in charge of all the pediatrician appointments, they would not be allowed to attend school because they'd be behind on their vaccines. They would see the dentist maybe once every other year. He would feed my 2 year old a salad because that's what he eats, even though she'd be famished and cranky. My children wouldn't have weather appropriate shoes, much less shoes that fit their growing feet. They wouldn't have a warm coat when the weather started turning cold. They wouldn't have summer camp to attend because you have to sign up in November. And no playdates, because he's too busy to get to know the other parents to arrange them. Their nails would be long and dirty, and god forbid if one of them caught lice!
So you tell me, do you want to chance the consequences of this negligence? Do you think the kids should have to learn the hard way that their dad is either incompetent or unwilling to pay attention to the details that allow them to go to school, eat hot meals, and function in society?

[Anonymous]

The mental load is exactly why I SAH. Which also furthers the patriarchy. I’m damned either way.

[Anonymous]

You may be more familiar with “stress” or “mental stress” in moms which is not a new concept. Load conveys the burden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand that this is a real thing based on a societal expectation carried over from a time when most women didn’t work outside the home. What I don’t understand is why women like those on DCUM allow this to persist. You recognize it’s happening and yet you keep doing it? Why?

Because I have to.

My husband agreed he would be responsible for all medical appointments. My 9 yr old has been 3 times in her whole life and now needs one baby tooth capped and another pulled.

It’s either take things back that are supposed to be on his plate, or divorce. And I actually do love him so that’s not a good solution.

This basically happened to us, too. It was dental appointments and it was a health disaster. I had to take over. I waited too long to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand that this is a real thing based on a societal expectation carried over from a time when most women didn’t work outside the home. What I don’t understand is why women like those on DCUM allow this to persist. You recognize it’s happening and yet you keep doing it? Why?

Because I have to.

My husband agreed he would be responsible for all medical appointments. My 9 yr old has been 3 times in her whole life and now needs one baby tooth capped and another pulled.

It’s either take things back that are supposed to be on his plate, or divorce. And I actually do love him so that’s not a good solution.

So…you are just going to allow your child to suffer? Pick something else.

[Anonymous]

DCUM women complain because we have more power. Most of us have the same salary or earning potential as our husbands and with that comes demands of 50% help at home. Which men weren't brought up to do.

Men think doing more than their dads and grandpas did is good enough. Nope. Women are doing WAY more than our mothers and grandmothers did. Men need to step it up. And women need to stop raising boys who don't do as much as their sisters were raised to do. Train boys to remember birthdays, clean, buy gifts, cook, on an don.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm hearing this term so much on this board recently. There's a thread about how women are unhappy in their marriages because of the unequal distribution of the "mental load" with their husbands. Another thread in the Family section describes how stressful the holidays are because of the "mental load." And on and on. I've never heard this term until a few months back on this site. Is this just a new buzzword?

It's OK that you don't have a master's degree or higher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand that this is a real thing based on a societal expectation carried over from a time when most women didn’t work outside the home. What I don’t understand is why women like those on DCUM allow this to persist. You recognize it’s happening and yet you keep doing it? Why?

Revolutions take generations. This isnt technology. Its people and expectations. Standards are still kept at SAH level for most working moms. Technology has made household tasks less time-consuming but these inventions existed when moms were generally not in the workforce. There isnt much of a difference from doing laundry in 1960s to now. The load may be washed and dried faster but the work to collect, start, switch over, fold, and put away is the same. When people come to my house they dont say oh the dog hair on the steps is okay because they both work out of the home. My husband doesnt even see it. He was raised by someone who let him practice manipulative ignorance. If I dont do a job well then I dont have to do it. His mother didnt say do the job until you can do it well. The job and its outcome are not negotiable. A toilet cannot be half clean. It is either clean or dirty. Most men get participation trophies for household-related tasks. Most. There are some All Stars that actually run the bases and do the work but its rare and they dont have to be as well-rounded as women tend to be expected to be. Women have to pitch, catch, bat, run the bases, play outfield, cheer from the dugout, etc.

My great grandmother cleaned out her washing machine after every load. That was passed down and surprisingly, my grandmother, a woman who stayed at home her whole life, still continued to think it was a primarily a woman's job. So you know who was taught to do that- all us girls. She expected the boys to do their own laundry but not do the extra steps of cleaning and maintenance. That analogy can be extrapolated to almost all versions of men doing housework/managing children.

We have to take sheets to daycare every Monday. EVERY MONDAY. We rotate drop off and pickup due to work (again 50/50). Wanna know how many times sheets were forgotten on his Monday drop off vs. mine? Details dont matter because they arent taught to see taking care of others and household tasks as important. It just a check box.

[Anonymous]

Petula Dvorak wrote a tribute to a woman who died recently, and one of the things she/the widower celebrate is how she took care of everything.

This guy was 40 when he got married, so he had handled all his stuff on his own for decades. But as soon as he gets married, he dumps it on his wife.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/dc-md-va/2021/12/13/blind-government-lawyer-disabilities-rights/?%20va._2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand this term "mental" load, maybe menial load, physical load, but mental - no, that's not right.

Interesting. It sounds like you have some mental challenges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm hearing this term so much on this board recently. There's a thread about how women are unhappy in their marriages because of the unequal distribution of the "mental load" with their husbands. Another thread in the Family section describes how stressful the holidays are because of the "mental load." And on and on. I've never heard this term until a few months back on this site. Is this just a new buzzword?

It's OK that you don't have a master's degree or higher.

Oh please. Most of the most educated men on earth don’t understand this. Doing so would require letting go of defensiveness, which they refuse to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

I do all of this and have a paid job. It's not hard. Why do women seem to struggle with it?

-- Single Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm hearing this term so much on this board recently. There's a thread about how women are unhappy in their marriages because of the unequal distribution of the "mental load" with their husbands. Another thread in the Family section describes how stressful the holidays are because of the "mental load." And on and on. I've never heard this term until a few months back on this site. Is this just a new buzzword?

It's OK that you don't have a master's degree or higher.

Oh please. Most of the most educated men on earth don’t understand this. Doing so would require letting go of defensiveness, which they refuse to do.

If someone thinks this phrase is a "DCUM term," it is because they are under-educated or they literally never read magazines, newspapers, journals, or watch the news.